What I Believe About Marriage and Divorce

I often work with couples who are on the brink of divorce. In those cases, the counseling I offer is often referred to as discernment counseling--working with couples to help them decide if divorce is the only option, versus working on their relationship for 3-6 months to see if it can be healed and restored.  Based on my training with the Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota, these are the principles by which I work:

What I Believe About Divorce:

• Divorce is usually an attempt to solve a problem that people think can't be solved in any other way.
• Some divorces are necessary in order to prevent further harm in a destructive relationship (emotional and physical abuse, ongoing infidelity, addictions).
• Some divorces are ultimately unavoidable because one party decides on divorce despite the wishes of the other party.
• Some people  behave destructively enough over a long time that they lose their claim on their spouse's commitment.
• However, many of today's divorces could be prevented if both parties took steps to work on their marriage before it was too late.   

What I Believe About Marriage:

• Healthy, life-long marriage has unique value for individuals, families and communities.
• Life-long commitment is especially difficult in today's throwaway, consumer oriented culture.
• Children have an important stake in the health and endurance of their parents' marriage.
• Marital commitment brings obligations to work on a troubled marriage before giving up (like, You know, I'm feeling more and more emotional distance and anger in our marriage.  I really need to talk about this with you, maybe even see a counselor to help us. Otherwise, I am concerned about how unhappy I am feeling)

What I Believe About Healing:

• Human  beings have the capacity to move past anxiety, distrust, and hostility and relate to each other from our highest selves (our core values--like compassion, faithfulness, and commitment-- even (or especially) when times are hard).
• Restoring a marriage must not come at the expense of one of the partners.  Love and fairness must go hand in hand.
• The key is whether both spouses want to restore the marriage to health.
• When both spouses devote themselves fully and with proper help to restoring their marriage to health, they can usually make it.

I married you because you gave me a promise.  

That promise made up for your faults.

 And the promise I gave you made up for mine.

Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise 
that made the marriage.

And when the children were growing up, it wasn't a house 
that protected them;

 and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.

-Thorton Wilder

The Importance of Apology in Marriage

Based on my extensive work with couples and also recent research, I have come to believe more than ever, that here is no doubt that sincere apology is absolutely essential.  Sincere apology is so essential to relationship maintenance that it can hardly be stressed too much.

It goes without saying that the most important elements of apology are sincerity and follow-through, i..e.,feel what you say and "walk the walk," and not just "talk the talk."

Research indicates that satisfying apologies are quite different for different people.  An acceptable apology for you might not work for your partner and vice versa.  Tell your partner what you need to feel reassured that the hurtful behavior is unlikely to recur.  Of course, with repeated infractions, the requirements to feel safe will be greater.

Reconciliation:  You will find it impossible to apologize sincerely or effectively if you see it as submission.  Sincere apology is never submission.  In fact, it is one of the more beautiful of human interactions: reconciliation. The primary purpose of apology is to restore eventual (not necessarily immediate) connection.  It is never to defend your ego.    Apology must not: 

• Be contingent on your partner apologizing
• Be tempered by excuses
• Have any element of blame ("It takes one to know one.")
• Seek immediate forgiveness (Trust must be restored gradually through behavior that demonstrates trustworthiness over time.)

Apology must:
           1. Come from your core value(e.g.integrity, honesty), and sympathize with the effect of your behavior
on your partner.  (In fact, use this as an opportunity to decide what your core value(s) actually is.)
           2. State how important your partner's well being is to you.
           3. State how sorry you are that you've done something to hurt your partner and/or break your connection.
           4. Offer recompense: "How can I make it up to you?"
           5. If the offense is recurring, describe an action-plan to prevent future repetition of the offending behavior (which violated your core value to the extent that it hurt your partner or your relationship).

Action plan to prevent repeating the same behavior:
           -- Identify the antecedents of the hurtful behavior--what you were thinking, feeling, and doing, as well as the state of your physical resources (e.g., hungry, tired, thirsty, headache, having consumed more that two drinks or more than two cups of coffee, or eaten too much sugar) immediately before the infraction.

            -- Give the details of how you will act differently under similar conditions in the future: "This is what I will do to remind myself how much I value you when similar conditions occur in the future."

If you're receiving an apology, don't see it as an opportunity for retaliation or revenge. (The surest way to discourage apology is to criticize or punish someone for doing it.)  If your partner's apology seems insufficient, acknowledge the repair attempt, then state what more you need to feel safe.

Mastering the art and science of apology not only does wonders for your relationship, it puts you solidly in touch with your core value.  When solidly in touch with your core value, you feel more authentic and valuable, with no need for defenses of resentment or anger.

All the best to you and your families in this season of  gratitude and thankfulness.  Have a warm Thanksgiving around the table or wherever you are with those you love.    Jim

The "Correct" Way To Criticize Your Spouse--If You Must!

In my last blog entry I wrote about how harmful criticism can be in relationships.  However there are  "constructive" ways to criticize your spouse, if you must.

When we're angry about not being heard, we may automatically resort to any number of what Harriet Lerner calls "below-the-belt" tactics.  We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and I need you to do it") to a damning generalization ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through").  Perhaps we throw a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are.") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality.") and bring in another party or two to bolster your case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees").  While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy.  And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching and blaming tone.

Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.

Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change.  It focuses on actions, not character judgments.  The "lightly  served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice.  People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice.  Or silliness can help enormously as when Mary threatened to charge her husband rent, if he kept putting his clothes on her desk.

A constructive "above the belt" complaint looks like this:  You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you.  You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch") and appreciate that there are other women in the world who wouldn't be so bothered by a husband who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration and you apologize for them....

At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ("Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?" and figure out how to compromise on your different styles.  You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction.  After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight.  You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belongings on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them.

Basically constructive criticism is expressing your needs in a straight-forward non-judgmental tone and inviting a conversation without bringing blame into it.

After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive below the belt kind) is one of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it.  This is especially true when criticism becomes contempt, i.e., conveying a tone of "superiority."

For anyone who has this intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?" 

 

DIAL DOWN THE CRITICISM

Based on my 30+ years of working with couples, I have no doubt that negative criticism is possibly the most common reason that couples begin to resent, battle and withdraw from each other. In her recent book, Marriage Rules, Harriet Lerner--author and renowned relationship expert--writes about the destructive role of criticism in all relationships.  For example, in a chapter entitled "Dial Down the Criticism", this is what she writes:

 

"A greeting card asks, 'If a man is alone in the forest with no woman to criticize him, is he still a schmuck?'  Men typically find the card funnier than women do.  'That's my experience exactly!' is a common male response.  'I can't do anything right.  I'm tired of being the target of her nagging and complaining.'

 

It's no surprise that women have a different response. 'if those poor guys are so bothered by criticism, why don't they pay attention to it?'

 

It's common for couples to reach an impasse wherein each person sees the other as the problem and believe that the only solution is for their partner to change. He thinks that she has to stop criticising him and start appreciating all the things that he does for the family.  She thinks he has to pay more attention to the needs of the kids and house, (not to mention her needs for emotional connection), without her constant reminders.  Although the pattern usually breaks down along these gender lines (distant husband/nagging wife), it doesn't always. There are always exceptions.  And same-sex couples are not immune to this marital dance.

 

It's easy to appreciate both perspectives.  It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of criticism and just as terrible to be in the role of the nagging partner whose legitimate requests are being ignored.  When we're feeling angry it's hard to take positive steps to change our part in the pattern because it seems so clear that our partner is the one who should change.

 

You're lucky if you have a partner who feels so solid, calm, and good about self that he/she can let your criticism and negativity slide by much of the time and consider the good points you are making without distancing or shutting down.  But once couples move past the honeymoon or Velcro stage of the relationship, such Zen-like forbearance is a rare commodity.  Many fine people can't tolerate much criticism or instruction from their partner, even if they truly appreciated it at the early stages of the relationship, when they felt valued and chosen.

 

If your attempts to reach your partner aren't getting through, it won't help to do more of the same.  The habit of criticism is hazardous to any relationship. Remember this:  no one can survive a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired.

When Marital Problems Lead to Intimacy

Intimacy is what most of us seek in relationships. However, there is a great misunderstanding about intimacy.  Many people think that intimacy comes from spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and having the same interests.  But intimacy comes from something entirely different.  Intimacy comes from telling your partner the main things on your mind and hearing the main things on your partner's mind.

Intimacy is the contact partners make with one another about their wishes, concerns, and problems, and, in particular, about their wishes, concerns and problems about the relationship.

Everyone knows that problems can lead to a loss of intimacy. The honey moon ends when problems begin.  Intimacy can be regained, however, by the way people solve their problems.  Here's an example:

Howard and Alice are a married couple in their early thirties.  Howard is a health care administrator and Alice is an elementary school teacher.  Alice feels resentment that Howard doesn't help more around the house. She blurts out:

Alice:  We've got a great division of labor here!  You mess the house and I clean it! 
Howard (defending himself): What are you talking about?  I do a lot around here!  And speaking about messes, take a look at your desk some time.

And they get into a fight.  This is not unusual.  One partner is sarcastic or blaming; the other is defensive and they fight.

But then Alice and Howard to something that is new. After they have the fight, they use the fight.  They use it as an introduction to a conversation and as a pathway to intimacy.  The next day, when both have cooled off, Howard comes up to Alice and talks about the fight.  He says that he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed.  He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Alice didn't seem to notice.  And he was also disappointed in himself because, now that he thinks about it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.

Suddenly Howard and Alice are having a conversation rather than an argument.  Since Alice isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself. And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.

Alice:  Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I'm still upset about it.

And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they're able to discover things.

Alice: I guess I"m upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together.  You have your own way of doing things and I have mine.  We're really very different people.  And we lead such separate lives.  I've got my job and you've got yours.  I take care of the house, even if you are helping more and you take care of the car.  Sure, we do our jobs okay but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well.  And I'm upset about that.

Howard says that he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better.

So, now Alice and Howard aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework. They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to.

If Alice and  Howard have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and have the same interests--they're likely to have the nightmare view that.....they're just incompatible........or getting married might have been a mistake.

The conversation is likely to bog down at this point--they don't feel there is anything more to say.  If they were to have the view of intimacy that I'm talking about however, they'd know that:  Talking about not being intimate can, itself, be an intimate act.  That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting.

So the bottom line is this: depending on how partners talk or don't talk about them, problems can lead to an increase or to a decrease in intimacy.

Couples Who Have Irresolvable Differences

In the last few weeks I have worked with couples who are struggling with core differences that appear to be irresolvable.  In one case the difference was a financial outlook: saving money vs. spending to enjoy more things.  Another was a situation where one preferred privacy/independence vs. his partner's preference for having more conversational time together.  John Gottman has found that irresolvable "perpetual" problems exist in even the healthiest of relationships due either to "lasting personality differences between partners" or "fundamental differences in lifestyle need."

In fact the overwhelming majority (69%) of couples experience perpetual problems--issues with no specific resolution.  So what can a couple do?

What is important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems.  The goal is to understand the historical basis of each partner's deeply held values and actions.  If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes "gridlocked," and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement and divorce.

A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong.  They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships.  People who are less effective in their relationship don't realize this.  When their priorities or preferences are different than their partners, they often believe that theirs' are right and their partners' are wrong.  The reality is that most of the time neither partner's priorities or expectation are out of line.

According to research there are five basic differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other.*

Independence-First vs. Togetherness-First....One person feels calmed or stabilized more through operating by yourself.  You need space, and you might feel frustrated if you don't get enough alone time.  Or, your nervous system is stabilized more through togetherness; you prefer more interaction with your partner and other people.

Invest-In-the Future-First vs. Live-for-the-Moment-First....Some people just feel better when they work first and then play later.  Other people feel better when they combine work and play.

Predictability-First vs. Spontaneity-First...Another difference in nervous system wiring that often underlies relationship gridlocks involves the level of predictability, planning or structure you need in order to function best.  If you are calmed by predictability, you do best when you are able to organize your life so you know what to expect.,  If you are more naturally wired for spontaneity  you will become restless or anxious if things become too routine.

Slow-to-Upset vs. Readily Upset...Some people have internal mechanisms that generate upset feelings quickly and intensely while other people have mechanisms that dampen upset feelings as soon as they happen.

Problem-Solving-First vs. Understanding-First...If you're upset, what does it take for you to feel better?  Some people feel better by making a plan for how to change things..Other people feel better by talking about their feelings and getting their partner to understand how they feel.

Other basic differences might include: differences in neatness and organization; differences in emotionality; differences in optimal sexual frequency; differences in punctuality; and differences with respect to kin.

How can these core differences be resolved?  My job as a counselor in these situations is to help each partner drop his/her efforts to prove that the other's position on the issue is inferior, and acknowledge that their differences probably arise from their different legitimate coping styles.  Some couples become gridlocked and soon decide they are mismatched. In some cases this may be true, but I believe it is possible for "mismatched" couples to find a way to live with their differences, without feeling they are giving in.

I try to teach couples how to create a dialogue between them in which neither will feel criticized for his/her way of approaching things.  Instead they will create a dialogue that helps each understand the other's point of view from both a pragmatic and emotional position.  If this dialogue does not happen, the couple will continue to demonize each other and/or become emotionally distant.  But when each feels respected and understood it then becomes much easier to accept the differences and find ways to work with the differences and compromise without feeling he or she has to totally change himself/herself.  When this happens. sometimes the natural emotional wiring of each can also change.

* Atkinson, Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy

The Expression of Affection

I love this quote by the novelist and poet C.S. Lewis:  Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.  Are love and affection the same?  There are many expressions of love and I believe affection is one of its most enduring qualities.  Some of the synonyms for affection are attachment, care, closeness, desire, passion, regard, tenderness, warmth, and of course, love.

I believe the expression of affection in marriages is the path to bonding. Bonding leads to emotional connection, the cornerstone of durable happiness in any marriage. Unfortunately, as a result of the busyness of our lives, the demands of work and children, and the lack of patience to resolve the inevitable differences and disappointments that happen in all marriages, affection often recedes. Blaming, resentment and emotional distance rather than emotional affection become the dominant dynamic of the relationship. And then, we say (often, naively), "well we just don't love each other anymore." I say naively, because with a little help and insight, I have seen couples uncover the reasons for their emotional distancing and make a more conscious effort to express the affection that each needs to feel "felt", secure, loved.

What to do?  Share with each other the kind of affection you need most. John Gottman has discovered in his research that couples who habitually and genuinely express affection for each other, are usually able to resolve differences and conflict more easily and consequently create a more solid happiness.  Without affection, the inevitable differences and conflicts boil over.  So concretely, what are the ways one can express affection?  There are hundreds of ways and I am  probably not listing any you don't already know. But here are a few reminders:

• Reach out to one another. How?  Like this:

            Why don't you come over here and let me rub your shoulders for a few minutes?
             Here, you put your feet up while I get your something to drink.
             Let me hold you for a minute.
             I'm sorry you had a bad day.
             I don't like it when people treat you like that.
             I'm your side. I love you.

• Maintain greeting rituals: say hello with a smile, a hug, a kiss, a loving eye-connection.
• Establish a set time everyday to talk--just to check in, with no discussion of money, children or chores.
• Leave an affectionate note for your spouse that has no practical purpose.
• Spend more quiet time together without the television on or reading your email.
• Notice something you like about your spouse and share it.

Another favorite quote of mine is by Rainer Maria Rilke: Love....consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. Is Rilke not describing the actions of affection?  Two solitudes (individuals), protecting each other, not only from dangerous outside forces, but also from each other's vulnerabilities........touching--with hands, words, arms, eyes and making love....greeting--saying hello or welcoming each other's presence with kind words, loving eyes, and warm hugs. 

Remember: Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.  

           

STAYING MARRIED

Says a wife, married 40 years: "Eternal vigilance is the price of a good marriage.  Pay attention.  Never stop paying attention.  Take care of your marriage."

The work we do, the attention we pay to our marriage, the sacrifices we make are on behalf of something bigger than both of us.  In order to build it together, we have to give over some portion of our self, give it not to our husband or wife, but to our joint creation--our marriage.

Judith Viorst(Grown-Up Marriage) writes: When romantic passion succumbs, as it must, to the mundane, we might consciously choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years.

And what are the behaviors or actions we might follow to stay married?  Again I borrow from Viorst.  The behaviors or actions she lists happen to also be the one I try to teach couples in my office as I guide them and teach them how to keep their marriage healthy:

• Try to be nice to each other even if you don't particularly feel like it.
• Try to give to each other without being asked.  Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home.
• Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism than you think your spouse deserves.
• Honor each other's goodwill and good intentions, even when you don't get what you need.  Don't expect to get all that you need from each other.
• Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation.
• When possible, laugh.
• When possible, say yes to having sex--with husband or wife to whom you are married.  Keep in mind that fidelity is not in the lap of the gods but a choice that you consciously make, again and again.  Compromise. Compromise some more.
• It helps, in our efforts at compromise, if we can distinguish injuries to our soul from injuries merely to our sensibilities.  It helps if we can stand, for a minute or two, in our partner's shoes and look at the view from his or her perspective.  It's easier to compromise if we can dispense with Mars-Venus combative polarities and see our husband or wife as what one therapist likes to call "the other half of the suffering human race."  It's easier to compromise if we recognize that, when we do, the winner is the marriage.

THE DIVORCE OPTION

OK, let me put it this way: It's hard to be married!  There's so much--choose one or more or all of the following--pain, rage, disillusionment, betrayal, bitterness, loneliness, boredom, contempt, disconnection.  "This isn't the person I thought I was marrying!" "Should I just give up and leave?"

The divorce rate has actually decreased in the past decade, but still, almost 50% of married couples do decide to leave--and then remarry--and then, behold, discover anew that second marriages are also hard!  In fact the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher than 1st marriages!  There are exceptions, of course, but I have heard too many disillusioned individuals express regret about their belief that their ex-spouse was the problem only to discover similar problems in their second marriages, or even more surprisingly, in their single lives.  The psychiatrist, Peter Kramer writes: There are limits to how different things will be if  you exchange this partner for another.

And then there are the children who are also victims in a divorce.  Research shows that except in extreme cases of abuse, children want their parents together.  Children have no say in the decision that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. When parents decide to end their marriage, it means the death of the family.  As the family disintegrates, a child's sense of comfort and security become shaken. As someone put it: When children are involved there is no such thing as divorce.

Marriage is work. Successful couples know that.  They stay married by doing the work. And most marriages are worth the work.  I have not arrived at this conclusion based on religious or moralistic views. In extreme cases, (abuse, ongoing infidelities) some marriages are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved. But most people do not fall into the extreme category.

For example, research shows that the primary complaints leading to divorce are not physical abuse, or addiction, but rather, lack of communication, lack of affection and nagging.  I have grown increasingly convinced that most marriages are worth saving simply because most problems are solvable. Or to put it another way, most unhappy marriages can be changed and are worth changing.  In fact, I don't believe in "saving marriages."  I believe in divorcing the old marriage and beginning a new one--with the same partner.  In other words, I believe couples can learn how to improve their communication, learn how to be more affectionate, and learn to resolve differences without nagging.  Couples can learn how to be there for each other. I know this because I have helped hundreds of couples do the work and make the change.  They stay married.

Even so, from time to time we will wonder whether this is as good as it gets, and is that good enough?  But we stay married.  Judith Viorst in her insightful book, Grown-Up Marriage, writes: We stay married because we promised to stay married.  Because we want to raise our kids with the only person who loves them as much as we do.  Because we have fashioned, through daily routines and special celebrations, "rituals of emotional connection." And because, as the years go by, we have created and shared an irreplaceable history.     --Jim Covington

What Is A Healthy Marriage?

Greetings everyone..... What is a healthy marriage?  If that question interests you, I strongly recommend that you view a youtube video where Sue Johnson eloquently defines what a healthy marriage is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dab34E4ON0 .  

Sue Johnson is developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Her most recent book is one I highly recommend:  Hold Me Tight. Her approach is highly successful in helping couples create stronger, more secure relationships.

I have received advanced training(externship) with Sue Johnson and employ much of her theoretical insight in my work with couples.  I have also received advanced training with John Gottman, whose most recent book,  What Makes Love Last? , I also highly recommend.  

In addition to Johnson's approach, I employ the sound findings of Gottman's scientific research.   Both Johnson and Gottman emphasize the importance of attunement or emotional responsiveness in marital relationships. If you are interested to learn more about this, I urge you to view the youtube link:       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dab34E4ON0 

On the above link, you will find more youtube videos by Johnson and others which also address the challenges and goals of healthy marriages, all of which are quite insightful and instructive.    

Enjoy!   Jim Covington

Stepping Into The Puddle

    According to research, partners who are attuned to one another have stronger, healthier marriages.  Being attuned means feeling felt, feeling known by one's partner, feeling understood.  Another word for attunement is empathy. When someone is upset or anxious about something, the last thing he or she wants to hear is advice and the last thing he or she wants to feel is ignored or dismissed.  Empathy is a form of compassion that includes identifying with what another person is feeling.  Empathy soothes us and makes us feel safe.  Neuro scientists have discovered that the brain is actually wired with mirror neurons that can mirror the emotional state of another.  We feel with the other, for good and for bad.  When I work with couples I often refer to empathy as stepping into the puddle with you partner.

   "Stepping into the puddle" is not original with me.  I first read about it in How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Pat Love, Steven Stosny). The authors declare that if there is a cure-all for emotional disconnection in a marriage, it would be conscious emotional attunement: tuning into the emotional state of another.  So I talk about stepping into the puddle with most of the couples I counsel.

    It's understandable that you might be reluctant to step into the puddle with your partner; after all, no one wants to sit with negative emotions even for a short time.  I am not stating that it is always possible to be "attuned" to your partner.  But there are three compelling reasons why stepping into the puddle is important.  The first is that it forges a closer connection--you do far more to build intimacy and trust by helping each other with negative emotions than by sharing only positive ones.  Second, failing to connect with your sad or distressed partner actually makes it harder for him or her to transform negative emotions than if you weren't there at all.  The third reason that stepping into the puddle is necessary in intimate relationships is that you promised to do it!  When you got married your implicit promise was that you would always care when the other feels bad.

    So the bottom line is this:  be there with your partner's feelings.  Don't ignore them, or try to fix them. Or try to drag him or her out of it.  Many times stepping into the puddle with the man in your life involves simply noticing his discomfort, gently touching him and honoring his space with silence and support.  And many times, it is just sympathetic eye contact with the woman in your life to let her know that you "get" her. Stepping into the puddle means "being present"without judgment with your partner when he or she is distressed or sad. And remember, it is a puddle, not an ocean!  Whatever form it takes in your relationship, if you model stepping into the puddle for your partner, you will most likely get the same in return.

Lessons in Domestic Policy

THE THREE-MINUTE RULE :      My wife has a habit of suing for peace too quickly in disputes. This usually leaves me frustrated: “Wait, I have seven more points I want to make.” Not surprisingly, her instincts are right. John Gottman of the University of Washington has found that the most important points in any argument can be found in the opening minutes. After that, people repeat themselves at higher and higher decibels. Just as boxers fight for only three minutes per round, couples can do the same. Say your piece, then heed Mr. Ury’s advice: call for a five-minute break or take a short walk.

THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY:    While hurrying through a fight may be good, steer clear of certain words, or at least one word. Pronouns are the canary in the coal mine of conflict. James Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas, has found that within couples, using first-person pronouns (“I” or “we”) is a sign of a healthy relationship. By contrast, using lots of second-person pronouns — “You always say that” or “You never do this” — is a mark of poor problem-solving. To stop fighting, stop saying “you.”

THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SAY :  I’ve heard different opinions about forcing people to apologize, especially children. Some say it’s necessary; others think it’s just piling on. Sheila Heen, an author of “Difficult Conversations,” told me that in her household, she favors contrition. “Saying you’re sorry has two meanings,” she said. “One is to describe how you actually feel. The other is to take responsibility for the impact you’ve had on somebody else. I’m really more interested in the second meaning: accepting accountability for your choices even if you don’t genuinely feel apologetic.” Later, she said, when you’re less amped up, feeling sorry will come.

 

 

 

Move Toward Your Partner With Love

If you are trying to take a firm position, express your disappointment and anger, or voice the final stand in your relationship, you may not feel like moving toward your partner in a loving and respectful way.

But if you can't warm your partner's heart, you won't get anywhere crossing your arms over your chest and making all kinds of "I statements" about what you won't tolerate anymore.

If your motivation is to give your relationship the best chance of succeeding--or simply to be heard--the first order of business is this:

• Pay attention to your relationship and nurture it.
• Move toward your partner in a loving and generous way.
• Avoid distancing or disconnecting emotionally.

I know: what I am telling you sounds nuts.  Counter-intuitive. Maybe even offensive. But I'm telling you, if you want to have a successful, healthy marriage you can learn to do this and still express your wants, expectations, limits and bottom line.  

Whether the subject is divorce or the dirty dishes, you don't need to voice your bottom line in somber, heavy, or angry tones.  Clarity of voice comes from deeply held values and self-respect. To be heard, you may need to lower the volume and intensity, rather than raise it. You may need some help, but you can do it.

When the emotional climate of marriage is predominantly negative, you have some groundwork to do before clarifying a bottom line.  No one will listen or speak well if the overriding sentiment of the relationship is hostile, critical, or distant. Nor will you get anywhere taking a position about a hot issue if you're coming from a place of angry reactivity, self-righteousness, or criticism.  Instead, you need to be a model of the kind of behavior you want from your partner, not a critic.   You need to treat your partner the way you'd like to feel about him or her, in order to evoke the positive feelings you've lost touch with.

Taking such positive action is incredibly difficult when a relationship has become a source of chronic anger or dissatisfaction.  But before you rush in to declare your bottom line or to find a divorce attorney, it's a good idea to first test out what's possible by giving voice to the positive. What do you think?    Jim Covington

How Pornography Can Impact Marriages

There has been a lot of writing recently in the media about pornography and sexual addiction and their affect on marital relationships. I have been hesitant to write about it in my blog, but I have decided it is important. Unfortunately, porn use is also becoming a more frequent problem in marriages, primarily because the Internet has greatly stimulated the rise in porn use. Pornography is an industry that generates more than 97 billion dollars a year worldwide.  There are more than 500 million pages of porn on the Internet, most of it directed toward men.  Most of the fantasies depicted in pornography involve the degradation and humiliation of women.

Alarmingly, youth under the age of 18 have become one of the largest groups of porn users.  How will this affect the future of our youth's sexual intimacy in committed relationships? While some sexually explicit material may help with sexual desire, because of its addictive quality, I am now wondering if all porn should be banned on the Internet.

Pornography is all about impersonal, unromantic, unemotional, casual sex. It literally sexually objectifies people and often becomes an addiction.

Furthermore, even if the habitual and compulsive use of porn does not become an addiction, it can affect the inner life of the user and can have serious consequences for an ongoing relationship. Porn often serves as a ladder to actual infidelity.  It goes like this: viewing photos, then videos, chatting online with someone with a compatible obsession(or perhaps a prostitute), fantasizing about meeting in real life and the giving yourself permission to cross boundaries to infidelity.

In addition, porn use may lead to a gradual decline in real sex with one's partner.  It is reported that among 70% of couples in which there was cybersex addiction, one or both partners lost interest in relationship sex.

Two thirds of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that compulsive pornography use had played a significant role in well over 50% of the divorce cases.  Most porn users feel they must hide this deep fascination from their partners.  The secret itself creates distance and diminishes intimacy.  Ultimately, porn addiction is an act of betrayal.

Apparently the activity of porn on the Internet induces a drug-like euphoria that involves "feel good" chemicals and neurochemical cascades such as adrenaline, endorphin, dopamine, and serotonin.  The chemicals associated with arousal lead to cravings and preoccupation with pornographic images, and deprivation when they are missing.,

Patrick Carnes's book Out of the Shadows, is probably the most influential work on understanding and treating sexual addiction.  In Carnes' view, the sexual-addiction cycle involves: (1) Preoccupation--addicts become hostages to their own preoccupation (2) Ritualization--the creation of routines that foster the addiction (3) Compulsive sexual behavior--involvement with the final sexual act and an inability to stop or control this behavior (4) Despair--feeling powerless and hopeless to be able to change. Carnes believes that the sexual addiction has replaced all meaningful relationships in the addict's life.

If porn is undermining your relationship, or you fear it might, there are things you can do. There are 12 step programs now available for porn-sex addiction, which like AA, help the addict to recover from the addiction.  They can be very helpful and I highly recommend them. Also, individual psychotherapy can be quite helpful in helping the person explore the underlying issues of the problem.  And finally and importantly, working with your partner in couples therapy can help you open up about personal issues in your life that can help restore trust and intimacy.   Jim Covington

INTENTIONAL MARRIAGE

We fall in love through rituals of connection and intimacy: courtship rituals like romantic dinners, long talks, dancing together at a favorite place, romantic passion, talking every day on the phone.  We mostly do these rituals alone as a couple.  In addition our passion is fueled by anxiety about whether the relationship will last.  And then we get married.

It seems that when we get married, and particularly after we have children, things reverse.  Other things--the children, our work, our hobbies, become central and the marriage recedes to the background. Why do we give up what made us so happy at the beginning? Well, real life happens.  And often times, marriage then becomes a "consumer marriage." (See my blog entry on Feb. 5).

What do I mean by an intentional marriage:  It's one where the partners are conscious, deliberate, and planful about maintaining and building their commitment and connections over the years. They see themselves as active citizens of their marriage, not just passive consumers.  A lot goes into being intentional about marriage.  I place special emphasis on four aspects: 1) A rock solid commitment to the marriage vs a tentative commitment. A tentative commitment is one that lasts as long as a couple gets along, as long as they don't fight too much, as long as the sex is good, as long as the relationship meets their needs and helps them grow as people.  The bottom line is to stay together, not as long as we both shall live, but as long as things are working out for me. In these marriages. the word "divorce" is often tossed about when things go wrong.

The other kind of commitment is not tentative.  It is a "commitment-no-matter-what." This is a long view of marriage where you don't balance the ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment.  It must be said, however, that there are tragic, painful exceptions(abuse, ongoing infidelity, addictions) when commitment-no-matter-what must be withdrawn.  But that does not deter us from making the commitment anyway.  Commitment no-matter-what is a commitment that intentionally works to make the marriage work.

2) The 2nd aspect of intentional marriage:  A reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy.  This includes making time to enjoy the things you did together in the early days of your courtship.  It includes paying attention to each other, expressing appreciation, learning to respond to each other in ways that make each feel loved.  One of the ironies of contemporary family life is that many people who are good at intentional parenting are lousy at intentional marriage.  We evolve good parent-child rituals over the years, but we lose our marriage rituals.  If you need more rituals I suggest you construct a "talk ritual" 15 minutes a day, just for you and your mate.

3/ Developing good communication skills and constructive way to argue and deal with conflict, rather than making your partner feel that he or she is always wrong, which only make matters worse.  If necessary seek some professional help with this.

4) And finally, create a supportive community for yourselves by connecting with other couples with whom you can share your marital journey.  You can do this on your own, or through a church or through other organizations that offer the kind of marriage/relationship support that will feel right for you.

Simply stated, the intentional couple thinks about their relationship, plans for their relationship, and acts for their relationship, mostly in conscious, simple, cooperative everyday ways and occasionally in big, splashy ways.

Watching the Couples Go By

Amour, Amour! Watching the Couples Go By! If you haven't seen the movie Amour, I highly recommend it.  It's a great movie about the depths and challenges of love as experienced by an octogenarian couple...And whether you have seen the movie or not, I also recommend this article: Watching the Couples Go by...which beautifully defines the real meaning of love in committed relationships.  It's a great reading to follow after the movie.....But read it anyway.

Why is this basic woman so valuable to the man whose hand or arm she is holding...(or vice versa)? Read the article Watching the Couples Go By and find out:

http://www.slate.com/articles/business/it_seems_to_me/1997/06/watching_the_couples_go_by.html

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. 

Consumer Marriage

We live in a consumer culture.  Consumer culture has always been based on individuals pursuing their personal desires.  But in the late twentieth century, advertisers began to emphasize desire for desire's sake.  An example is a Toyota ad campaign which has a voice-over saying to a father, "your kids always get what they want; now it's your turn!"

I am not against markets and consumption.  Consumer spending is the primary fuel of a free-market democratic system.  Mass advertising is the only way that new businesses and new products an get the attentions of consumers.

My concern is less with consumer culture in the marketplace than with what it is teaching us about our family relationships.  Consumer culture tells us that we never have enough of anything we want.  It teaches us not to be loyal to anything or anyone that does not continue to meet our needs at the right price.  It is not surprising that in this new consumer world, we are less loyal to our mates, to our marriages. 

Reasons people give for getting a divorce reveal how they think about marital commitment.  Sometimes a spouse is forced into pulling the plug on the marriage because the other partner has reneged on his or her marital commitment through infidelity, chronic irresponsibility or physical abuse.  Other times the overt problems are not this serious, but the other spouse, sometimes coming from a sense of consumer entitlement, wages a steady emotional war until what had been an unnecessary and preventable divorce now becomes necessary and unavoidable.

Nowadays many people explain their reasons for divorce in the form of disappointment in what they are getting from their marriage, rather than in the form of an unconscionable breakdown of marital responsibilities.  Here are the phrases I hear from some couples:

The relationship wasn't working for me anymore.........Our needs were just too different...........
I wasn't happy............ We just grew apart.............I grew and he didn't............ I deserve more.........
The relationship became stale...........My spouse was nice, but boring.........We had no real intimacy.
What kind of role model is that for the kids?

Here's the point: There may be some legitimacy to some of the above complaints, which can be worked on in a positive way.  But you can work your way out of a reasonably good marriage by focusing on what you are not getting out of it and turning negative toward your mate, who will in turn give you even less and thereby help justify your leaving.

Has consumer thinking slipped into your marriage?  William Doherty, founder of Marriage Friendly Therapists, has come up with a Consumer Marriage Quiz:

   1. I (often, sometimes, rarely) compare my spouse unfavorably to others.
   2. In relation to our problems, I (often, sometimes, rarely) dwell on my spouse's deficiencies; not my own.
   3. I (often, sometimes, rarely) concentrate on how my spouse is not meeting my needs rather than how I am not meeting my spouse's needs.
   4. I (often, sometimes, rarely) keep score:  I add up when I do good things or when I think my spouse does something bad.
   5. I (often, sometimes, rarely) think that my spouse is getting a better deal in this marriage than I am.
   6. I (often, sometimes, rarely) focus on my spouse's defects rather than on his or her strengths.
   7. I (often, sometimes, rarely) wonder if I should have held out for someone better when I chose a mate.
   8.  When we have hard times, I (often, sometimes, rarely ) ask myself whether the effort I am putting in this marriage is worth it.

If most of your answers are "rarely," congratulations.  If most of your answers are "sometimes," ask yourself if things that you want are disguising themselves as things that you absolutely need.  If three or more of your answers are "often", consumerism has severely infected your view of marriage.  Do you want to be a "citizen" of your marriage, or take a "tourist visa" to travel the way of fantasy? **
                         ** From Take Back Your Marriage, William Doherty, PhD

Why Marriages Drift

(The following is mostly excerpted from Take Back Your Marriage, (Sticking Together in a World that Pulls Us Apart) by William Doherty, which I highly recommend for your reading):  The natural drift of contemporary married life, in our busy, distracted, individualistic, consumer-driven, media saturated and work-oriented world, is toward less spark, less connection, less intimacy and less focus on the couple relationship.  Add in the demands of child-sensitive parenting, and you have a pretty good picture of why our marriages can decline over time, if we are not more mindful.

Marriage is a well-researched topic in the social sciences.  We know that there is a steady decline in couple's reports of their marital satisfaction as the years go by, and that this decline is especially steep after the birth of their first child.

There are everyday factors and cultural factors that can drive even good marriages south.  Below, I will highlight a few everyday forces, followed by a larger cultural one in my next entry.  Here are the everyday forces:

• We are too busy for our marriages.  Between work, raising children, and managing daily life, many of us don't think we have enough time to make our marriage relationship a high priority in daily life.  Antidote: prioritize your marriage. Mindfully set boundaries for your marriage from the other responsibilities and distractions.
• We get too used to our mate.  In marriage, familiarity breeds, not contempt, but taking each other for granted. All relationships lose some degree of newness and freshness over time if we don't work to put these ingredients back.  Antidote:  Become more active and involved in social activities, celebrations and rituals.
• Television, laptops, i-phone and other media come between us.  We watch TV rather than speak to one another, or answer text-messages at any time of day and night which diminishes the privacy relationships need.  Antidote:  Turn everything off at dinner time, when you want a meaningful conversation, and when you go to bed.
• We stop dating, especially after we have children.  Special alone times brought us together, but many of us stop arranging them after we become parents.  Antidote: more dates.
• Differences between spouses in their "work orientation" toward marriage get resolved in the direction of less work.  Our gender training as men and women prepares us differently for maintaining our marriages.  At the risk of overgeneralizing, men tend to see close relationships as needing lower maintenance and work than women do. I think that most wives, after a period of trying unilaterally to make the marriage a "high work" relationship, settle for their husband's standard.  Antidote: maintain an "intentional" mindful discipline to maintain and nurture your commitment to one another.

The State of Our Unions

An alarming recent report from The Institute for American Values discloses that American marriage itself is fracturing, splitting us into two Americas, separate and unequal.  Reports entitled "State of Our Unions" and "When Marriage Disappears," reveals the retreat from marriage is mostly among middle class Americans. According to these findings, "shifts in marriage attitudes, increases in unemployment, and declines in religious attendance are among the trends driving the retreat from marriage in Middle America. Sixty percent of Americans who've graduated from high school but don't have a college degree is more and more resembling the state of marriage among our poorest and most vulnerable citizens.  And in a striking reversal of historic trends, highly educated upscale Americans are moving to embrace a pro-marriage mindset, even as Middle Americans are losing faith in marriage."

What does this new marriage divide promise? It says that marriage, far from bringing us together, will become another form of class privilege and another division among us.  Consequently, if this trend continues, we are likely to see greater inequality, diminished social mobility, and poorer life chances for many American children in the future. (from State of Our Unions).

In addition, according to numerous studies, children born or raised outside of marriage are more likely to suffer from a range of emotional and social problems--including drug use, depression, attempted suicide and dropping out of high school--compared to children in intact, married families.  For more information, I suggest you read a synopsis of Why Marriage Matters at
http://www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/dl.php?name=wmm3-30-conclusions .

One of the reasons I am a licensed marriage counselor is to help couples in the face of cultural change and attitudes to strengthen their relationship by teaching them how to resolve or accept their differences, improve communication and deepen their emotional connection.  But I also work as a marriage counselor because I believe in the institution of marriage. I believe it is a cornerstone of caring, connected communities and stability for children.

The divorce rate remains high in our country but I believe half of those divorces are unnecessary.  Research indicates that most children suffer greatly from divorce, even good divorces.  We also have learned that most people who were unhappy in their marriage and blamed their marraige for their unhappiness, remained unhappy after the divorce.  And interestingly, most couples who were unhappy but remained in their marriage  and sought help---sooner rather than later--were eventually able to restore their happiness,

So I believe we can do better.  We must do better.  And I applaud The Institute for American Values for sponsoring a program entitled The New Marriage Conversation--a conversation that aims to bring together all Americans--both those who seek the right to marry and those who seek to strengthen marriage as a social institution.  May the conversation continue.