How--not why--but how does love fail? Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense, maintains that theories that focus on bad behavior in conflicts alone and lack of communication skills may not always be enough. Sometimes communication issues are symptoms of something else more important: the overwhelming fear of being emotionally alone or abandoned.
I am inclined to agree. As I see it, it is not negativity per se that undermines partners' love for each other. Fights can be tolerated, provided there is support and affection in a relationship. Decreases in positive connection create "disillusionment" and precipitate distress which leads to criticism and/or withdrawal.
The absence of positive, intimate, supportive exchanges has been compared to a virus that takes down the body relational.
Conflict (persistent arguing) is the inflammation that results from this virus. In a prolonged troubled love relationship, problem solving and practical assistance alone may not be curative.
The potential for unresolved conflict increases as partners are filled with unruly emotions that they do not understand, and find themselves out of sync with each other. Angry protests at the loss of physical and emotional connection escalate. A slow unwinding of the tie begins. Lack of comfort and closeness feeds distrust and disagreement, and each failed attempt at a reconnection and repair breeds more distance. So what happens? Couples build walls when they need bridges. And that is how love fails.
To shape love and keep it alive, we have to be open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. When emotional starvation becomes the norm, and negative patterns of outraged criticism and obstinate defensiveness and withdrawal take over, our perspective changes.
Our lover slowly begins to feel like an enemy. Our most familiar friend turns into a stranger. Trust begins to wither and die. And that is how love fails.
When this happens, can the love connection be restored? Yes. I have seen it happen in my office many times, especially when couples seek help sooner rather than later. But it takes time, commitment, and a willingness of both partners to understand and attend to the emotional needs behind every distancing conflict in the relationship.
The bottom line is this: the way we perceive our partners and the meaning we attribute to his or her actions depends on our sense of emotional connection.
------ If you are interested in watching a 23 minute lecture about this subject by the master herself, Sue Johnson, go to: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14364/how-to-make-love-last-in-the-age-of-instant-gratification-dr-sue-johnson.html
