The "Correct" Way To Criticize Your Spouse--If You Must!

In my last blog entry I wrote about how harmful criticism can be in relationships.  However there are  "constructive" ways to criticize your spouse, if you must.

When we're angry about not being heard, we may automatically resort to any number of what Harriet Lerner calls "below-the-belt" tactics.  We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and I need you to do it") to a damning generalization ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through").  Perhaps we throw a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are.") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality.") and bring in another party or two to bolster your case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees").  While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy.  And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching and blaming tone.

Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.

Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change.  It focuses on actions, not character judgments.  The "lightly  served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice.  People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice.  Or silliness can help enormously as when Mary threatened to charge her husband rent, if he kept putting his clothes on her desk.

A constructive "above the belt" complaint looks like this:  You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you.  You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch") and appreciate that there are other women in the world who wouldn't be so bothered by a husband who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration and you apologize for them....

At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ("Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?" and figure out how to compromise on your different styles.  You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction.  After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight.  You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belongings on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them.

Basically constructive criticism is expressing your needs in a straight-forward non-judgmental tone and inviting a conversation without bringing blame into it.

After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive below the belt kind) is one of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it.  This is especially true when criticism becomes contempt, i.e., conveying a tone of "superiority."

For anyone who has this intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?" 

 

DIAL DOWN THE CRITICISM

Based on my 30+ years of working with couples, I have no doubt that negative criticism is possibly the most common reason that couples begin to resent, battle and withdraw from each other. In her recent book, Marriage Rules, Harriet Lerner--author and renowned relationship expert--writes about the destructive role of criticism in all relationships.  For example, in a chapter entitled "Dial Down the Criticism", this is what she writes:

 

"A greeting card asks, 'If a man is alone in the forest with no woman to criticize him, is he still a schmuck?'  Men typically find the card funnier than women do.  'That's my experience exactly!' is a common male response.  'I can't do anything right.  I'm tired of being the target of her nagging and complaining.'

 

It's no surprise that women have a different response. 'if those poor guys are so bothered by criticism, why don't they pay attention to it?'

 

It's common for couples to reach an impasse wherein each person sees the other as the problem and believe that the only solution is for their partner to change. He thinks that she has to stop criticising him and start appreciating all the things that he does for the family.  She thinks he has to pay more attention to the needs of the kids and house, (not to mention her needs for emotional connection), without her constant reminders.  Although the pattern usually breaks down along these gender lines (distant husband/nagging wife), it doesn't always. There are always exceptions.  And same-sex couples are not immune to this marital dance.

 

It's easy to appreciate both perspectives.  It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of criticism and just as terrible to be in the role of the nagging partner whose legitimate requests are being ignored.  When we're feeling angry it's hard to take positive steps to change our part in the pattern because it seems so clear that our partner is the one who should change.

 

You're lucky if you have a partner who feels so solid, calm, and good about self that he/she can let your criticism and negativity slide by much of the time and consider the good points you are making without distancing or shutting down.  But once couples move past the honeymoon or Velcro stage of the relationship, such Zen-like forbearance is a rare commodity.  Many fine people can't tolerate much criticism or instruction from their partner, even if they truly appreciated it at the early stages of the relationship, when they felt valued and chosen.

 

If your attempts to reach your partner aren't getting through, it won't help to do more of the same.  The habit of criticism is hazardous to any relationship. Remember this:  no one can survive a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired.