Following up on my last blog entry in July: Research confirms that the erosion of a couple's love bond begins with absence of emotional support. Unsupportive behavior such as minimizing the scope of the problem, discouraging the expression of feelings, offering offhand or unhelpful advice, insisting that their partner follow recommendations--was especially predictive of relationship distress.
The second stage is the escalation of conflict, especially negative patterns, such as harsh criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal. This becomes a cycle in the relationship which actively destroys any sense of emotional safety partners have with each other.
Sue Johnson (Love Sense) describes a couple's first session with a marriage counselor: George yells at Barbara. "I am a damned psychologist. I am supposed to understand this stuff, and I can't believe how angry I am. In my head, I rage at you as I am driving to work. I hear the sarcasm in my voice and sometimes I wonder who I am turning into. I watch every minute for you to blame me for everything and turn away from me. The more I push you to be with me, the more untouchable you become. I am married to the Ice Queen herself. You don't care about anyone but yourself. I want a wife, not a business partner."
Barbara crossed her long legs slowly, tilts her head, and calmly replied. "Then it would be good to try being polite and treat me like a wife. I do not see the point in all this shouting. And so you are right; I often prefer to leave and be elsewhere."
Lost in a dance they do not understand, their dance takes on a life of its own. George does not see how his anger makes Barbara fear that she is being rejected, and she does not hear the frantic call for connection underlying his irascibility. If they can't find a way to step out of their repetitive cycle and risk reaching for each other in another way, their bond cannot be repaired, and the end state--disillusionment, despair, and detachment--will set in.
How love lasts: Let me be clear, a love relationship is never static; it ebbs and flows. If we want love to last, we have to grasp this fact and get used to paying attention to and readjusting our level of emotional engagement. What matters is if we can repair tiny moments of misattunement and come back into harmony. Bonding--being there for each other and feeling supported by your partner-- is an eternal process of renewal. Relationship stability depends not on healing huge rifts but on mending the constant small tears. Without the mending of disconnections as we go along, then couples will most likely fall into the criticism-defend-withdrawal cycle that I have described above.
The mending of those disconnections is one of my primary goals when I work with couples in my office. The other goal, just as important, is to help a couple build a stronger, more durable emotional union. It can be done, if a couple hasn't waited too long and both partners take responsibility for what needs to change for the mending to happen.
I also suggest my blog entry on Poisonous Criticism. While you are on my blog, just scroll down to the month of March..... Click and you will see it.
