I recently read an article by John Gottman (relationship research psychologist) about contempt and I want to share it with you not only because of contempt's devastating effect in marriages, but also in the politics of our country.
According to Gottman, contempt is the most harmful communication style in relationships. Contempt is belittling and disrespectful. Contempt mocks others with sarcasm and ridicule and assumes a position of moral superiority.
How can you be so stupid? You're such a loser!
You're tired? ! Cry me a river. I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don't have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?
In recant years, contempt has become the predominant style of communication in our politics. I am now reading a recently published book entitled Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt(Arthur C. Brooks). Interestingly, John Gottman has also addressed this issue as manifested in our political landscape. From political debates on television to comment threads on social media, we see people treating each other with contempt all the time. The dialogue has become "us" vs "them." And that deludes us into thinking we're better than other people. It's dangerous.
We can start political reconciliation by talking about our shared why instead of our divided what. In John Gottman's words, strong relationships are the basis of a stable society. And based on that statement, Gottman offers his Four Rules for a Better America. From this perspective, these are the things you can do to stitch America back together while still maintaining your points of views.
Rule 1: Focus on other people's distress and focus on it empathically.
Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, an essential quality for successful relationships. You don't have to agree with someone to empathize with them.
Rule 2: Keep your positive vs negative comments and interactions at a ratio of 5:1
Hmmm....You have the power to do this. The positive things you say versus the criticisms that you level should be at a 5:1 ratio at least. That means five affirming, praising, and loving tweets and Facebook comments for every critical one.
Rule 3: Avoid contempt with everybody, all the time.
No exceptions. It's bad for you and it's bad for the country if you treat anybody with contempt.
Rule 4: Learn to cooperate and have dialogue with those of whom you disagree.
See out and be around people who are different that you are. Before you speak, see if you understand what the speaker before you has said. Listen to understand, and then frame your rebuttal.
If we all follow these rules, together, we can make ours a better country.
Jim Covington, www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com
jimcoving1@aol.com
Friday, March 22, 2019
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
THE AFFAIR-PRONE MARRIAGE
One of the more traumatic experiences in marriages is infidelity and I don't us the word "traumatic" lightly. Healing and forgiveness are possible, but it will take time and commitment.
Research points to certain characteristics that are most often linked to infidelity. Some of these factors have to do with the individual. Being raised in a family where having affairs is considered normal is one example.
Having the type of personality that values excitement and risk taking over marital stability is another.
Your social environment also has a big impact. If you're surrounded by coworkers and friends who believe that affairs are OK, you're less likely to stay true to your partner.
The nature of you marriage is an important factor as well. People who feel angry and emotionally distant from their spouses are more likely to look outside the marriage for a sense of closeness.
In her book "Not Just Friends," Shirley Glass presents a compelling description of the way many happily married people unwittingly make their marriages vulnerable to affairs. The problem often starts when coworkers form secret emotional attachment to each other by crossing small boundaries that are needed to protect their marriages. Glass asserts that in a committed relationship, ca couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them up.l
Couples in conflict-avoiding marriages may especially be prone to affairs, according to Glass's analysis. This is because when something occurs in a conflict avoiding couple's life that raises new issues (a baby is born, or one spouse is stressed at work) the partner avoids expressing difficult feelings or stating new needs in order to "keep the peace." But this lack of sharing can cause one or both partners to fee lonely.
Meanwhile, the lonely partner may happen to have an intense conversation with somebody outside the marriage. This partner may know on a gut level that they should let their spouse in on this development and the feelings it brings up. They could say something like "I have the most intense conversation with Chris at the office today. And it made me realize that you and I haven't talked like that in a long time and that worried me. But as we know, a revelation like this may lead to a heated argument--so the lonely partner puts off discussing the situation. And as a result he or she now has a secret.
Couples who want to heal the damage that affairs created usually benefit from working with a marriage counselor. Several studies have shown that marital therapy can be quite effective in helping couples to recover from an affair. My own work has shown that shared therapy can create a safe space for the betrayed partner to express pain and get the answers he or she needs. At the same time a trained therapist can steer that partner away from expression of rage that would he harmful to their relationship. Instead the couple focuses on communication that helps to rebuild feelings of fondness, admiration and therefore, renewed and deepened emotional connection.
Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.
Research points to certain characteristics that are most often linked to infidelity. Some of these factors have to do with the individual. Being raised in a family where having affairs is considered normal is one example.
Having the type of personality that values excitement and risk taking over marital stability is another.
Your social environment also has a big impact. If you're surrounded by coworkers and friends who believe that affairs are OK, you're less likely to stay true to your partner.
The nature of you marriage is an important factor as well. People who feel angry and emotionally distant from their spouses are more likely to look outside the marriage for a sense of closeness.
In her book "Not Just Friends," Shirley Glass presents a compelling description of the way many happily married people unwittingly make their marriages vulnerable to affairs. The problem often starts when coworkers form secret emotional attachment to each other by crossing small boundaries that are needed to protect their marriages. Glass asserts that in a committed relationship, ca couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them up.l
Couples in conflict-avoiding marriages may especially be prone to affairs, according to Glass's analysis. This is because when something occurs in a conflict avoiding couple's life that raises new issues (a baby is born, or one spouse is stressed at work) the partner avoids expressing difficult feelings or stating new needs in order to "keep the peace." But this lack of sharing can cause one or both partners to fee lonely.
Meanwhile, the lonely partner may happen to have an intense conversation with somebody outside the marriage. This partner may know on a gut level that they should let their spouse in on this development and the feelings it brings up. They could say something like "I have the most intense conversation with Chris at the office today. And it made me realize that you and I haven't talked like that in a long time and that worried me. But as we know, a revelation like this may lead to a heated argument--so the lonely partner puts off discussing the situation. And as a result he or she now has a secret.
Couples who want to heal the damage that affairs created usually benefit from working with a marriage counselor. Several studies have shown that marital therapy can be quite effective in helping couples to recover from an affair. My own work has shown that shared therapy can create a safe space for the betrayed partner to express pain and get the answers he or she needs. At the same time a trained therapist can steer that partner away from expression of rage that would he harmful to their relationship. Instead the couple focuses on communication that helps to rebuild feelings of fondness, admiration and therefore, renewed and deepened emotional connection.
Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.
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