Best Way To Approach Your Partner When ANGRY

.One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to be nice to your partner when you’re upset with them. It’s also one of the most important moments to be kind. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who start arguments gently are more likely to manage conflict effectively, without harming the relationship. In fact, it is in these moments that Dr. Gottman can predict the success or failure of the relationship with over 90% accuracy.

Dr. Julie Gottman explains that, “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

The Vow of Kindness

Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument, rather, it is about your mindful and considerate behavior throughout your relationship. When we enter into a committed relationship, most of us make some sort of declaration  – a promise or a vow  – that we will uphold our partner and care for them. We also make a secondary promise: that we will be our best selves ,  full of integrity and hope for a successful future.

The act of not choosing kindness is therefore doubly hurtful – to our partners and to ourselves – because it undercuts our efforts for growth and the potential for greater intimacy.

Despite the difficulties of daily life, partners are in charge of their own behavior. While a couple grows together, they are not precluded from growing as individuals as well  –  in fact they must evolve as individuals in order to continually bring their “best selves” to their partner.

Kindness Begets Kindness

How can you cultivate a habit of kindness in your relationship? Below are 3 powerful tips that you can put into action right now, regardless of where your partner is on their journey:

1. Think good thoughts
We are wired to feel how we repeatedly think. Thinking positive thoughts about your partner will make it easier for you to think more positive thoughts, and to speak and behave positively towards them. In order to get into the habit of being kind, you must practice the thoughts as well as the actions.

Remind yourself of the nice things your partner has done each day. Noticing the good things about your partner helps to keep you in what Dr. John Gottman calls the Positive Sentiment Override. It is a sense of hopeful well-being that arises from a positive thoughts and positive interactions.

2. Accept responsibility
Take responsibility for assessing your own feelings before presenting them to your partner. Whereas anger and frustration are legitimate emotions, further exploration might reveal that in fact you feel annoyed or sad about a situation. Perhaps upon reflection you find that in fact you felt abandoned or that your dreams are not being acknowledged. Being able to accurately pinpoint your feelings will help you to convey them in a kinder, gentler tone to your partner.

You might think it is more authentic to say exactly what’s on your mind without filtering anything for your partner, but consider that once they are hurt, it is harder for them to connect with you empathically

3. Let hope win
Have faith in the relationship and in your commitment. Even though you will have ongoing arguments with you partner, focus on your friendship. I see couples in my office who want to “solve” their issues first before going out for an ice cream or relaxing over dinner. It’s not possible to solve problems with someone you don’t want to collaborate with.

Kindness Allows You to be Heard

Ultimately, kindness serves your expression of difficult emotions by offering your partner the capacity to really hear you. Even if you are angry, in order to approach your partner effectively you must be kind. If you’ve paved the way for your partner to be open to you, they are more likely to hear your frustration and respond with compassion. Kindness gets your needs met.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

Proactive Ways to Create a Good Marriage: Talk and Touch

Talk and Touch!  Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's marriage.)  The song does make a good point about how to succeed in marriage.

The song's ultimate point is that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow.  Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that is most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.

You want to save your marriage?  At least you know WHAT you want.  The only question left is HOW.  HOW will you restore your marriage?

It happen through ACTIONS.  But what Actions?

I suggest trying a Talk Charge  and a Touch Charge.

A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON LOGISTICAL matter.  It's a fun or frivolous chat.  And you do NOT need your spouses' cooperation. If necessary, you talk, they listen. A voice mail can even work.

A Touch Charge is similar but it uses touch instead of talk.  A Touch Charge is a loving physical gesture with your spouse.  It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connection in that moment. If one of you is resistant, let me know and we can talk about that.

The point is this: if you can establish Right Habits and do them consistently--talk and touch everyday, for example, you will probably begin to feel more connected.

You can't turn your marriage around with one Herculean event.  There's no gift you can give, favor you can o, or letter you can write.  When your marriage is on the rocks, it's common to want to "microwave" it better.  But you can't . There's no quick fix.  There's no one thing you can do or say that will turn things around.  It took you years to get into this mess; it's going to take time for you to get out of it.  And what's the way out? Listen carefully.

Failed marriages eventually succeed because at least one spouse commits to doing SMALL THINGS in great ways over and extended period of time.

Do you want REAL change in your marriage.  Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY and genuinely. Talk and touch everyday. If you are interested in reading the 50 ways, go to my blog post following this one. My challenge to you is to pick 3 or 4 Talk Charge and Touch Charge out of the list you really want to focus on and do. REMINDER: Go to the next blog post to read the 50 ways......  Jim Covington

50 Examples of Talking and Touching

     Fifty Ways to Talk and Touch.......I know, 50 ways is a lot.  Some of them may feel too awkward.  Choose 3 or 4 that you feel drawn to and begin practice with your mate until you are not just doing homework but actually feeling a connection. It may happen right away, or it may take a few days. Then come back and perhaps choose a couple of more ways to talk, touch, and connect with your spouse.               Jim Covington

       1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's decisions.

       2. Share dessert with one fork.

       3. What was "Your song" when you were dating?  Call your spouse and sing it to them.

       4. Surprise visit your spouses at their office or home and give them a kiss...and then leave.

       5. Play footsie next time you sit together.

       6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your spouse.

       7. Ask how your spouse's day went....and really listen.

       8. Kiss your spouse upon waking.

       9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping.

     10. Caress your spouses' hand.

     11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while driving.

'    12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each other.

     13. Sit on  your spouse's lap or sit them on yours.

     14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing.

     15. Call your spouse out of the blue to them them know you are thinking of them.

     16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage.

     17. Share a story from the news or your day that you though was interesting.

     18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's looking.

     19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all over again you'd choose them.

     20. Share a problem--thank your spouse for their concern.

     21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in bed.

     22. Fall asleep holding hands.

     23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time they leave the house.

     24. Call you spouse at work with the latest news.

     25. Have a tickle "fight".

     26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake your recently mad.

     27. Think of 3 ways your spouse had made you a better person...tell them now.

     28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite physical trait.

     29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud.

     30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of your gaze...share your feelings.

     31. Share what you most admire about your spouse.

     32. Have a "remember when?" moment.

     33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a challenging time in your life.

     34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you are in the same room.

     35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce.

     36. Hold hands under the table.

     37. Brush you mate's hair out of his/her eyes.

     38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him with love.

     39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch her with love.

     40. Knead the same dough together.

     41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking.

     42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability to over come a problem.

     43. Listen to your spouse's worries--ask how you can help.

     44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ...deliver it with a kiss.

     45. Send your spouse a fax with your special "code words" for I Love You!

     46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock...wake them with a message.

     47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while he/she is reading.

     48. Before parting tell your spouse you can't wait to see him/her again.

     49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt anyone.

     50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping.

CONTEMPT.....and The Four Rules for a Better America

I recently read an article by John Gottman (relationship research psychologist) about contempt and I want to share it with you not only because of contempt's devastating effect in marriages, but also in the politics of our country.

According to Gottman, contempt is the most harmful communication style in relationships.  Contempt is belittling and disrespectful.  Contempt mocks others with sarcasm and ridicule and assumes a position of moral superiority.

How can you be so stupid?    You're such a loser!

You're tired? !  Cry me a river. I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games.  I don't have time to deal with another kid.  Could you be any more pathetic?

In recant years, contempt has become the predominant style of communication in our politics.  I am now reading a recently published book entitled Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt(Arthur C. Brooks). Interestingly, John Gottman has also addressed this issue as manifested in our political landscape.  From political debates on television to comment threads on social media, we see people treating each other with contempt all the time.  The dialogue has become "us" vs "them."  And that deludes us into thinking we're better than other people.  It's dangerous.

We can start political reconciliation by talking about our shared why instead of our divided what. In John Gottman's words, strong relationships are the basis of a stable society. And based on that statement, Gottman offers his Four Rules for a Better America.  From this perspective, these are the things you can do to stitch America back together while still maintaining your points of views.

Rule 1: Focus on  other people's distress and focus on it empathically.
Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, an essential quality for successful relationships.  You don't have to agree with someone to empathize with them.

Rule 2: Keep your positive vs negative comments and interactions at a ratio of 5:1
Hmmm....You have the power to do this.  The positive things you say versus the criticisms that you level should be at a 5:1 ratio at least.  That means five affirming, praising, and loving tweets and Facebook comments for every critical one.

Rule 3: Avoid contempt with everybody, all the time.
No exceptions.  It's bad for you and it's bad for the country if you treat anybody with contempt.

Rule 4: Learn to cooperate and have dialogue with those of whom you disagree. 
See out and be around people who are different that you are.  Before you speak, see if you understand what the speaker before you has said.  Listen to understand, and then frame your rebuttal.

If we all follow these rules, together, we can make ours a better country.

                       Jim Covington, www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com
                                              jimcoving1@aol.com

THE AFFAIR-PRONE MARRIAGE

One of the more traumatic experiences in marriages is infidelity and I don't us the word "traumatic" lightly.  Healing and forgiveness are possible, but it will take time and commitment.

Research points to certain characteristics that are most often linked to infidelity.  Some of these factors have to do with the individual. Being raised in a family where having affairs is considered normal is one example.

Having the type of personality that values excitement and risk taking over marital stability is another.

Your social environment also has a big impact.  If you're surrounded by coworkers and friends who believe that affairs are OK, you're less likely to stay true to your partner.

The nature of you marriage is an important factor as well.  People who feel angry and emotionally distant from their spouses are more likely to look outside the marriage for a sense of closeness.

In her book "Not Just Friends," Shirley Glass presents a compelling description of the way many happily married people unwittingly make their marriages vulnerable to affairs.  The problem often starts when coworkers form secret emotional attachment to each other by crossing small boundaries that are needed to protect their marriages.  Glass asserts that in a committed relationship, ca couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them up.l

Couples in conflict-avoiding marriages may especially be prone to affairs, according to Glass's analysis.  This is because when something occurs in a conflict avoiding couple's life that raises new issues (a baby is born, or one spouse is stressed at work) the partner avoids expressing difficult feelings or stating new needs in order to "keep the peace."  But this lack of sharing can cause one or both partners to fee lonely.

Meanwhile, the lonely partner may happen to have an intense conversation with somebody outside the marriage.  This partner may know on a gut level that they should let their spouse in on this development and the feelings it brings up.  They could say something like "I have the most intense conversation with Chris at the office today.  And it made me realize that you and I haven't talked like that in a long time and that worried me.  But as we know, a revelation like this may lead to a heated argument--so the lonely partner puts off discussing the situation.  And as a result he or she now has a secret.

Couples who want to heal the damage that affairs created usually benefit from working with a marriage counselor.  Several studies have shown that marital therapy can be quite effective in helping couples to recover from an affair.  My own work has shown that shared therapy can create a safe space for the betrayed partner to express pain and get the answers he or she needs.  At the same time a trained therapist can steer that partner away from expression of rage that would he harmful to their relationship.  Instead the couple focuses on communication that helps to rebuild feelings of fondness, admiration and therefore, renewed and deepened emotional connection.

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

How To Address the Inevitable Conflicts in Marriage

   Try to remember: Conflict happens in every relationship, and it's a myth to believe that in a happy relationship you'll get along all the time.  Relationship conflict serves a purpose.  It's an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your differences.

    A happy relationship isn't the result of having a lot of things in common--as we often think.  It comes from knowing how to address your core differences in a way that supports each other's need and dreams.  This is how trust is sustained.  Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on.  Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.

    According to the Gottman research, it is a myth that happily married people don't complain about each other's behavior.  We all have our own idiosyncratic needs, desires, rhythms, and habits.  And these needs are bound to collide, producing strong emotions.

    Constantly stifling your complaints is not a good idea.  Doing so can cause you to hold on to angry, resentful feelings toward your partner.  You may develop a state of mind we call "negative sentiment override," where your bad thoughts about your partner override any positive thoughts about them.  You may then begin to stockpile your grievances.  Your negative feelings fester and grow resulting in one of two outcomes:  You either distance yourself emotionally to avoid the pain or you lash out.,  Either alternative leads to further emotional distance.

    There is an alternative to either stifling or exploding, however.  Partners can learn to express their needs (i.e., complain) in ways that are respectful(in tone), clear, and specific.  When you do this, your partner is more likely to hear your complain and respond to it if you express it in this way and complaining in a healthy way actually helps to solve problems, build intimacy and strengthen the relationship.

    Examples: (from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, John and Julie Gottman)

    Healthy Complaining: We haven't been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget. What do you think?  Harmful Complaining: You know why we haven't had a vacation for two years??  Because you don't save....you waste our money on stupid things all the time, on things for yourself!

    Healthy Complaining:  You know, I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together, and you invited your mother.  I love your mother, but I have to admit I feel a little hurt and disappointed. Can we try another evening? Harmful Complaining:  I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together and you invited your mother!! How can you be such a clueless, insensitive dolt?!

    Healthy Complaining: Pick a time to complain about the problem when your partner can listen and respond.  Harmful Complaining: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children.

    In summary: Complain without criticizing and look for the longing in each other's complaints.  Then express and accept appreciation for the empathetic understanding.     Jim Covington

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.