DANGEROUS MYTHS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

According to John Gottman, renowned research psychologist and marriage counselor, there are many myths about relationships that are not only false but potentially destructive.  They are dangerous because they can lead couples down the wrong path, or worse, convince them that their marriage is a hopeless case.  The notion that you can save your relationship just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages, but it's hardly the only one. Gottman has identified other misconceptions:

1. Conflict is a sign that you're in a bad relationship.   Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. Furthermore, conflict is there for a reason--to improve our understanding of our partner.  Conflict usually arises from missed attempts to communicate, especially in one person attempting to get emotionally close to the other.  Conflict also emerges from discrepancies between partners in expectations.  These are worth talking about.

2. Love is enough.  Love is not enough, because in most marriages--especially after a baby arrives--people stop courting one another and they stop making romance, fun, meaningful conversations and adventure a priority. Relationships have a tendency to become endless to-do lists, and conversation becomes limited to errand talk.  You need to intentionally make (or keep) the emotional connecting parts of a relationship a priority.

3.  Talking about past emotional wounds will only make them worse.  Faulkner once said, "The past is never dead.  It's not even past."  It is possible to process past emotional injuries.  You can't change the past but you can change your recollection and retelling of it.

4. Better relationships are ones in which people are more independent of and less needy of one another.  Interdependence is what relationships are all about. In healthy relationships, people try to meet one another's needs.  They adopt the motto, "when you're hurting, baby, the world stops and I listen."

5.  If you have to work at communication, it's sure sign that you're not soulmates.  The sure thing is that if you don't work at communication, the relationships will deteriorate over time, just like a car that's not taken care of will fall apart.  All relationships require work.  The work in relationships is down-regulating your own defensiveness and listening to your partner.

6. If a relationship needs therapy, it's already too late.  That may be true for couples who have been fighting for so long that there is no emotional connection at all. However, there are 900,000 divorces a year in the USA, and fewer than 10%(!) of those couples that divorce ever talk to a professional.  Couples therapy is now very effective and many of these couples could have made it work had they sought help.

7. What couples fight about most is sex, money, and in-laws.  The one thing that couples fight about most is nothing.  These fights result from failed bids to connect emotionally.  In these small moments, it's important to turn towards instead of turning away.

8. All relationship conflicts can be resolved.     Quite the opposite.  In fact, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual(they keep recurring), so what is required is acceptance of one another's personality differences. Couples will need to dialogue about these perpetual issues to avoid gridlock and resentment.  The goal then is to manage conflict, not resolve it.

9. All relationship conflicts are the same.  Some conflicts are deal breakers and, for those issues, compromise can be very difficult.  It's important to understand your "non-negotiables" when it comes to conflict.  What are you willing to give up?

10.  It's compatibility that makes relationships work.  It's diversity that makes relationships interesting  We are not looking for our clones.  They famous T-shirt study by Claus Wedekind shows that the pheromones we find most sexy are from people most genetically different from us Agreeability and conscientiousness are the characteristics that people really mean when they talk about "compatibility."  These qualities are indexed by a person being able to say things like "Good point," or "That's interesting, tell me more" or, "You may be right, and I may be wrong" during a disagreement.

11. Living alone with occasional relationships is a lifestyle choice that is equivalent in terms of life outcomes to being married.   Social epidemiology has shown that--everywhere on the planet--people who live alone die sooner, are less healthy, are less wealthy, and recover from illness slower than people who are married.  This is especially true of men, who have much worse social support networks than women.  When men are in a committed relationship their social networks increase.

ON BEING PRESENT WITH YOUR MATE

I believe the bottom line of any loving relationship is "being present." What does that mean? It means being responsive when your partner is reaching out to you, or as John Gottman puts it, "making a bid for connection." and feeling that you are responding in an attentive, respectful, interested manner--i.e. "being present." The ground of any strong relationship is the emotional connection one feels with his/her partner.  When that connection is missing, couples will inevitably become distant or start arguing about issues that don't really matter.

In every relationship, couples periodically make what Dr. Gottman calls "bids" for each other's attention, affection, or support.  Bids can be as insignificant as "please turn down the heat" to as significant as helping a partner care for a sick child.

In these moments, we have a choice to turn toward our partner or away from them.  If we turn toward, we build trust and emotional connection

Dr. Gottman often jokes that "everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay."  Foreplay happens in the grocery store when you partner ask, "We have milk?" and you respond, "I'm not sure. I'll grab some," rather than shrugging your shoulder apathetically.

In a six-year study of newlyweds, Dr. Gottman found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner's bids 86% of the time in his lab, while those who divorced turned towards each other only 3% of the time.

The number one thing couples fight about is not money or in-laws, or sex. There are exceptions, of course, but most arguments in relationships are about a failure to connect emotionally.

Sometimes we do not recognize when our partner is making a bid for connection because it's wrapped in criticism, or so it seems.  We react to their negativity and miss the opportunity to connect.

For example, Chris wants Lisa to come to bed but she is returning work email. His bid is "Please come to bed with me" but comes out as, "You're on email now?  You had all evening!"

If Lisa focuses on his plea and not his tone, she has the opportunity to respond positively:  "Good point. I'll be right there."  So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for the bid beneath their harsh words. Then focus on the bid, not the delivery.  If you find it difficult not to react defensively, take five really deep breaths. Then ask your partner. "What do you need right now from me?"

If wrapping bids in criticism is a habit in your relationship, work on softening your start-up.