Trust--The Foundation of Happy Marriages

Yes, love, intimacy, respect, good communication are all important aspects of happy marriages. But ultimately it all comes down to trust. On their wedding day, couples proclaim a promise to be there for each other. That promise is the foundation of their trust in each other.

What is trust?  John Gottman has written a new book entitled The Science of Trust. From his research on the subject he found that happier couples, for whom trust was not missing, described the concept of “trust” as the mysterious quality that somehow created safety, security and openness for both of them.  Trust was the seemingly indefinable condition that made their relationship safe and made it possible for them to be vulnerable with each other. Their trust thereby deepened their love.

On the other hand, Gottman found that many distressed couples complained that their partners simply couldn’t be counted on to “be there” for them when they needed them most.  Over time, they said, the emotional injuries they sustained from a lack of trust built a huge gulf of emotional distance between them, leading to eventual betrayal.

Trust can be betrayed in several ways.  Infidelity- either sexual or emotional--is the obvious betrayal.  Secrets, lies, deceptions, coalition with others against the partner, betrayals by disinterest, abuse and disrespect are all symptomatic of a broken trust. In other words, as trust erodes, marital conflict will increase.

Gottman writes that turning away, not “being there’ for each other, is the atom of distrust. It is the unavailability or the unresponsiveness (or turning against) of a partner when the other is in need of understanding, support, comfort and love.

Susan Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, proclaims that to feel safe with our life partner and lover, both partners need to attach securely to each other.   I interpret that to mean: feeling safe in a relationship means “being there” for each other during important moments.  It means “turning toward each other,” making eye contact, listening, responding and being present. It means being “emotionally attuned.”

There are many reasons why couples stop “being there” for each other, more than I can address here.  But if you are persistently feeling that your spouse is unavailable or non-responsive to your emotional needs, if you are feeling isolated, you should address this right away with your spouse.  Don’t avoid the issue.  Avoidance will only lead to more distance and conflict.  And if a conversation doesn’t help, I advise that you seek professional help, sooner, rather than later. With the right conversation or the right help, I do believe that trust can be restored, regenerated.

Again, trust is the ground of a happy marriage.  Ask the questions: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Do you need me?  How you answer those questions may be a measure of the trust you presently feel in your relationship.

The Good Marriage

Based on the research, this is what we know about good marriages:

1.  Happily married couples behave like good friends.    In other words, their relationships are characterized by respect, affection, and empathy.  They pay close attention to what’s happening in each other’s life and they feel emotionally connected.  John Gottman (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work) made an interesting discovery: spouses in happy, stable marriages made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict.  In contrast couples headed for divorce offered less than one (0.8) positive remark for every single negative remark.

2.   Happily married couples handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. They recognize that conflict is inevitable in any marriage, and that some problems never get solved, never go away.  But these couples don’t get gridlocked in their separate positions.  Instead, they keep talking with each other about conflicts.  In other words, they listen respectfully to their spouses’s perspectives without being defensive, dismissive or blaming and they find compromises that work for both sides. 

3. Happily married couples turn toward each other. Close relationships consist of a series of “emotional bids” –that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile, or a hug. You can choose to

      1. turn away, ignoring the bid

      2.  turn against, reacting with anger or hostility

      3. turn toward, showing you’re open, listening, and engaged

Research shows that habitually turning away or turning against your partner’s bids harms your marriage.  But consistently turning toward your partner strengthens emotional bonds, friendship, and romance. It means “being there” for each other.  It is the fundamental unit of emotional connection.