In a long-term study of 120 newlywed couples, Dr. John Gottman* discovered that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce.
Meet Lauren and Steven.** While Steven believes an equal partnership is the key to a happy and lasting marriage, his actions speak differently.
Steven: "The guys and I are going fishing this weekend. We are leaving later tonight."
Lauren: "But my girlfriends are staying with us on Friday, and I need help cleaning the house tonight. We talked about this. How could you forget? Can you leave tomorrow morning?"
Steven: "How did you forget I have my guys trip? I can't change our departure schedule. We are leaving in a few hours."
Lauren's anger boils. She calls him a "selfish asshole" and storms out of the kitchen. Feeling overwhelmed, Steven pours himself a glass of whisky and turns on the football game.,
When Lauren walks back into the room to talk, he stonewalls her. She starts to cry. He announces he needs to work on his truck and leaves the room.
Arguments like these are full of accusations, making it difficult to determine the underlying cause. What is clear is Steven's unwillingness to accept Lauren's influence.
REJECTING INFLUENCE
It's not that marriage can't survive moments of anger, complaints, or criticism. They can. Couples get in trouble when they match negativity with negativity (see my last post The Way We Speak to Each Other), instead of making repairs to de-escalate conflict, Dr. Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that 65% of men increase negativity during an argument.
Steven's response doesn't show that he hears Lauren's complaint. Instead, he responds with defensiveness and sends a complaint right back: Why didn't she remember his plans?
(My point is not to insult men in this case, or women either in other scenarios. It takes two to make a marriage work and it is just as important for both wives and husbands to treat each other with honor and respect.)
This doesn't mean women don't get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. Data suggest that men do not return the favor. Statistically speaking,Dr. Gottman's research shows there is an 81 % chance that a marriage will self-implode when a man is unwilling to share power.
WHAT MEN CAN LEARN FROM WOMEN
There are books that say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. While this isn't literally true, men and women often do feel alien to each other.
This starts in childhood. When boys play games, their focus is on winning, not their emotions or the others playing. If one of the boys get hurt, he gets ignored. After all, "the game must go on."
With girls, feelings are often the first priority. When a tearful girls says, "we're not friends anymore," the game stops and only starts again if the girls make up. Gottman explains: "the truth is that 'girlish' games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships."
TWO ROADS DIVERGED
The husband who lacks emotional intelligence rejects his wife's influence because he fears a loss of power. And because he is unwilling to accept influence, he will not be influential.
The emotionally intelligent husband is interested in his wife's emotions because he honors and respects her. While this man may not express his emotions in the same way his wife does, he will learn how to better connect with her.
When she needs to talk, he'll turn off the football game and listen. He will pick "we" over "me." He will understand his wife's inner world, continue to admire her, and communicate this respect by turning towards her. His relationship, sex life, and overall joy will be far greater than the man who lacks emotional intelligence.
Because this man is deeply connected to his wife, she will go to him when she is stressed, upset, and overjoyed. She'll even go to him when she is aroused.
HOW TO ACCEPT INFLUENCE
Dr. Gottman suspects men who resist their wives influence do so without realizing it. Accepting influence is both a mindset and a skill cultivated by paying attention to your spouse every day. This means building your Love Maps, expressing your fondness and admiration, and accepting bids for connection. (Gottman's Sound Marital House)
And when conflict happens, the key is to understand your partner's point of view and be willing to compromise. Do this by identifying your inflexible areas and searching for something both of you can agree to.
For Example: Steven understands that Lauren is stressed about having company when the house is a mess. While he may not be able to delay his trip until the next morning, he can push it back to later that evening so he can help her around the house first. Maybe instead of Steven vacuuming and wiping down the counters (:typically his task), Lauren could wipe them down in the morning before her friends arrive so Steven could leave a little earlier with his buddies.
Accepting your partner's influence is a great strategy for gaining more respect, power and influence. Want to have a happy and stable marriage? Make your commitment to your partner stronger than you commitment to winning. If you do that, your marriage wins. ***
* Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Also, I have excerpted this blog post from one of John Gottmans' posts. I really liked it and think it's important for couples, men especially, to read.
** In the example provided, Lauren's negativity is realistic (and understandable) because her needs are not being met. There tends to be criticism and frustration from both partners in these relationships. With that said, if Lauren had softened her start-up, Steven may have received it better and accepted her influence.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Friday, December 2, 2016
THE WAY WE SPEAK TO EACH OTHER
From my years of counseling couples, it has become so obvious that the way a couple speaks to each other when there is a complaint or disagreement or disappointment, can make a huge difference in whether or not reconciliation or acknowledgement or understanding can ever be achieved. Consequently, resentment and emotional distancing will increase over time.
When we're angry about not being heard, or feeling used or unsupported, we may automatically resort to any number of below-the -belt tactics. We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and honey I need you to do it") to a damning generalization: ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through!!"). Perhaps we throw in a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality") and bring in another party or two to bolster our case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees.") While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy. And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching, and blaming tone.
Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.
Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change. It focuses on actions, not character judgments. The "lightly served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice. People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice. Silliness helps enormously as when one of my friends' wife threatened to charge him rent if he keeps putting his clothes on her desk.
A constructive complaint looks like this: You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you. You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch') and appreciate that there are other women in the world who would be happy living with someone who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration, and you apologize for them.
At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ( "Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?) and figure out how to compromise on you different styles. You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction. After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight. You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belonging on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them, if anything.
After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive "harsh" kind) is one of the "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it. For anyone who has that intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?"
When you have a specific complaint, aim for accuracy. Anyone who is criticized inaccurately may hear only the exaggerations and inaccuracies and become unable to consider the valid point being made.
Also don't overstate your point. Avoid globalizing words like "always" and "never." If your husband came home late from work six times last month, don't exaggerate the number. People on the receiving end of criticism shut down on the spot if they catch an error or believe that they are being held responsible for more than their fair share of the problem. I recall any number of stupid fights with my wife when I flatly refused to apologize because she was blaming me for 75 percent of the problem and I was convinced I was only, um, maybe 52 percent to blame.
Bottom line: we all have the right to express our hurt and disappointments to each other. Express your disappointment coming FROM SELF--your legitimate needs--rather that AT your partner.
When we're angry about not being heard, or feeling used or unsupported, we may automatically resort to any number of below-the -belt tactics. We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and honey I need you to do it") to a damning generalization: ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through!!"). Perhaps we throw in a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality") and bring in another party or two to bolster our case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees.") While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy. And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching, and blaming tone.
Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.
Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change. It focuses on actions, not character judgments. The "lightly served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice. People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice. Silliness helps enormously as when one of my friends' wife threatened to charge him rent if he keeps putting his clothes on her desk.
A constructive complaint looks like this: You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you. You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch') and appreciate that there are other women in the world who would be happy living with someone who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration, and you apologize for them.
At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ( "Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?) and figure out how to compromise on you different styles. You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction. After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight. You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belonging on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them, if anything.
After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive "harsh" kind) is one of the "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it. For anyone who has that intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?"
When you have a specific complaint, aim for accuracy. Anyone who is criticized inaccurately may hear only the exaggerations and inaccuracies and become unable to consider the valid point being made.
Also don't overstate your point. Avoid globalizing words like "always" and "never." If your husband came home late from work six times last month, don't exaggerate the number. People on the receiving end of criticism shut down on the spot if they catch an error or believe that they are being held responsible for more than their fair share of the problem. I recall any number of stupid fights with my wife when I flatly refused to apologize because she was blaming me for 75 percent of the problem and I was convinced I was only, um, maybe 52 percent to blame.
Bottom line: we all have the right to express our hurt and disappointments to each other. Express your disappointment coming FROM SELF--your legitimate needs--rather that AT your partner.
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