Turn off your stupid smart phones....or i-phones, laptops, computers, video games........whatever! The time couples are able to be "present" with one another, is crucial for feeling emotionally connected. I am not suggesting you have to be present with your partner 24/7. We all need some separate time as well. But being present at various times of the day with your mate is critical for fostering your connection with each other. Otherwise, emotional distance will definitely set in, which is often the source of nagging and criticism. Technological devices have made this doubly difficult for us these days. Harriet Lerner writes about this subject in her book Marriage Rules:
"Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it. Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full, undistracted attention.
People become convinced that they have to take that call while they're on the beach, and that they'll advance more quickly at their job if they are available on e-mail at all times. Rarely is this entirely, or even mostly, true. Nor do you always need to be checking the news, the score, your e-mail, or anything else.
Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time. The rules in my marriage are:
1. iPhones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals, and no answering landlines.
2. no taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be
returned later.
3. if it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others
It's especially important to unplug from technology if your partner complains about it. A client of mine made a significant improvement in his marriage when he informed his wife that his new rule was "no technology of any kind for two hours after leaving work and coming home to you and the kids." The change was especially meaningful because his wife, for good reason, was highly reactive to his BlackBerry. She one threw his BlackBerry in the toilet when she really needed his help getting dinner ready and he wouldn't stop texting his brother. This action comes with a "Don't try this at home" tag, although it did get his attention.
These days, it's good to have "time-out" rules from, say, anything you're prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane. Only after you've become disciplined enough to carve out technology-free time will you realize how the seductive lure of technology can separate you from your relationship--and from yourself.
