There has been a lot of writing recently in the media about pornography and sexual addiction and their affect on marital relationships. I have been hesitant to write about it in my blog, but I have decided it is important. Unfortunately, porn use is also becoming a more frequent problem in marriages, primarily because the Internet has greatly stimulated the rise in porn use. Pornography is an industry that generates more than 97 billion dollars a year worldwide. There are more than 500 million pages of porn on the Internet, most of it directed toward men. Most of the fantasies depicted in pornography involve the degradation and humiliation of women.
Alarmingly, youth under the age of 18 have become one of the largest groups of porn users. How will this affect the future of our youth's sexual intimacy in committed relationships? While some sexually explicit material may help with sexual desire, because of its addictive quality, I am now wondering if all porn should be banned on the Internet.
Pornography is all about impersonal, unromantic, unemotional, casual sex. It literally sexually objectifies people and often becomes an addiction.
Furthermore, even if the habitual and compulsive use of porn does not become an addiction, it can affect the inner life of the user and can have serious consequences for an ongoing relationship. Porn often serves as a ladder to actual infidelity. It goes like this: viewing photos, then videos, chatting online with someone with a compatible obsession(or perhaps a prostitute), fantasizing about meeting in real life and the giving yourself permission to cross boundaries to infidelity.
In addition, porn use may lead to a gradual decline in real sex with one's partner. It is reported that among 70% of couples in which there was cybersex addiction, one or both partners lost interest in relationship sex.
Two thirds of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that compulsive pornography use had played a significant role in well over 50% of the divorce cases. Most porn users feel they must hide this deep fascination from their partners. The secret itself creates distance and diminishes intimacy. Ultimately, porn addiction is an act of betrayal.
Apparently the activity of porn on the Internet induces a drug-like euphoria that involves "feel good" chemicals and neurochemical cascades such as adrenaline, endorphin, dopamine, and serotonin. The chemicals associated with arousal lead to cravings and preoccupation with pornographic images, and deprivation when they are missing.,
Patrick Carnes's book Out of the Shadows, is probably the most influential work on understanding and treating sexual addiction. In Carnes' view, the sexual-addiction cycle involves: (1) Preoccupation--addicts become hostages to their own preoccupation (2) Ritualization--the creation of routines that foster the addiction (3) Compulsive sexual behavior--involvement with the final sexual act and an inability to stop or control this behavior (4) Despair--feeling powerless and hopeless to be able to change. Carnes believes that the sexual addiction has replaced all meaningful relationships in the addict's life.
If porn is undermining your relationship, or you fear it might, there are things you can do. There are 12 step programs now available for porn-sex addiction, which like AA, help the addict to recover from the addiction. They can be very helpful and I highly recommend them. Also, individual psychotherapy can be quite helpful in helping the person explore the underlying issues of the problem. And finally and importantly, working with your partner in couples therapy can help you open up about personal issues in your life that can help restore trust and intimacy. Jim Covington
Monday, March 18, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
INTENTIONAL MARRIAGE
We fall in love through rituals of connection and intimacy: courtship rituals like romantic dinners, long talks, dancing together at a favorite place, romantic passion, talking every day on the phone. We mostly do these rituals alone as a couple. In addition our passion is fueled by anxiety about whether the relationship will last. And then we get married.
It seems that when we get married, and particularly after we have children, things reverse. Other things--the children, our work, our hobbies, become central and the marriage recedes to the background. Why do we give up what made us so happy at the beginning? Well, real life happens. And often times, marriage then becomes a "consumer marriage." (See my blog entry on Feb. 5).
What do I mean by an intentional marriage: It's one where the partners are conscious, deliberate, and planful about maintaining and building their commitment and connections over the years. They see themselves as active citizens of their marriage, not just passive consumers. A lot goes into being intentional about marriage. I place special emphasis on four aspects: 1) A rock solid commitment to the marriage vs a tentative commitment. A tentative commitment is one that lasts as long as a couple gets along, as long as they don't fight too much, as long as the sex is good, as long as the relationship meets their needs and helps them grow as people. The bottom line is to stay together, not as long as we both shall live, but as long as things are working out for me. In these marriages. the word "divorce" is often tossed about when things go wrong.
The other kind of commitment is not tentative. It is a "commitment-no-matter-what." This is a long view of marriage where you don't balance the ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment. It must be said, however, that there are tragic, painful exceptions(abuse, ongoing infidelity, addictions) when commitment-no-matter-what must be withdrawn. But that does not deter us from making the commitment anyway. Commitment no-matter-what is a commitment that intentionally works to make the marriage work.
2) The 2nd aspect of intentional marriage: A reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy. This includes making time to enjoy the things you did together in the early days of your courtship. It includes paying attention to each other, expressing appreciation, learning to respond to each other in ways that make each feel loved. One of the ironies of contemporary family life is that many people who are good at intentional parenting are lousy at intentional marriage. We evolve good parent-child rituals over the years, but we lose our marriage rituals. If you need more rituals I suggest you construct a "talk ritual" 15 minutes a day, just for you and your mate.
3/ Developing good communication skills and constructive way to argue and deal with conflict, rather than making your partner feel that he or she is always wrong, which only make matters worse. If necessary seek some professional help with this.
4) And finally, create a supportive community for yourselves by connecting with other couples with whom you can share your marital journey. You can do this on your own, or through a church or through other organizations that offer the kind of marriage/relationship support that will feel right for you.
Simply stated, the intentional couple thinks about their relationship, plans for their relationship, and acts for their relationship, mostly in conscious, simple, cooperative everyday ways and occasionally in big, splashy ways.
It seems that when we get married, and particularly after we have children, things reverse. Other things--the children, our work, our hobbies, become central and the marriage recedes to the background. Why do we give up what made us so happy at the beginning? Well, real life happens. And often times, marriage then becomes a "consumer marriage." (See my blog entry on Feb. 5).
What do I mean by an intentional marriage: It's one where the partners are conscious, deliberate, and planful about maintaining and building their commitment and connections over the years. They see themselves as active citizens of their marriage, not just passive consumers. A lot goes into being intentional about marriage. I place special emphasis on four aspects: 1) A rock solid commitment to the marriage vs a tentative commitment. A tentative commitment is one that lasts as long as a couple gets along, as long as they don't fight too much, as long as the sex is good, as long as the relationship meets their needs and helps them grow as people. The bottom line is to stay together, not as long as we both shall live, but as long as things are working out for me. In these marriages. the word "divorce" is often tossed about when things go wrong.
The other kind of commitment is not tentative. It is a "commitment-no-matter-what." This is a long view of marriage where you don't balance the ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment. It must be said, however, that there are tragic, painful exceptions(abuse, ongoing infidelity, addictions) when commitment-no-matter-what must be withdrawn. But that does not deter us from making the commitment anyway. Commitment no-matter-what is a commitment that intentionally works to make the marriage work.
2) The 2nd aspect of intentional marriage: A reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy. This includes making time to enjoy the things you did together in the early days of your courtship. It includes paying attention to each other, expressing appreciation, learning to respond to each other in ways that make each feel loved. One of the ironies of contemporary family life is that many people who are good at intentional parenting are lousy at intentional marriage. We evolve good parent-child rituals over the years, but we lose our marriage rituals. If you need more rituals I suggest you construct a "talk ritual" 15 minutes a day, just for you and your mate.
3/ Developing good communication skills and constructive way to argue and deal with conflict, rather than making your partner feel that he or she is always wrong, which only make matters worse. If necessary seek some professional help with this.
4) And finally, create a supportive community for yourselves by connecting with other couples with whom you can share your marital journey. You can do this on your own, or through a church or through other organizations that offer the kind of marriage/relationship support that will feel right for you.
Simply stated, the intentional couple thinks about their relationship, plans for their relationship, and acts for their relationship, mostly in conscious, simple, cooperative everyday ways and occasionally in big, splashy ways.
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