"Marriage Isn't Supposed to Make You HAPPY!"

Frank Pittman died last week.  You may not be familiar with his work in the marriage counseling field but those of us in the profession have lost a true champion of marriage and family--Dr Frank Pittman.  He left a great legacy through his books and essays including Grow UP!, Man Enough, Private Lies, and Turning Point. One of my favorite keynote addresses he gave at a marraige conference was entitled What Are Men For, Anyway? where he "brazenly" asserts:  ....in the end, there is nothing a man can do that a woman can't, except be a father.

Pittman had a way of inspiring us to take responsibility for our lives, actions, our marriages, families.  He was smart, funny, said it like it is.  He was a "man's man" that men could relate to.  He will be missed and his quotes will live on.  Here are some of my favorite quotes:

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside.

Here is a clip from a Psychology Today interview:   There is this great belief that if you are not getting everything your heart desires, you will be miserable.  This is a dangerous belief.  The failure to be blessed with a life that is a constant state of ecstatic wonder becomes a psychiatric emergency.  All the mental health people jump in and say, 'Oh, my God!  They are not happy.  Call the fire department! Maybe these people should not have gotten married.  Sorry about the kids and all.  Maybe they should not have gotten married.  Maybe we will have to get them divorced so maybe they can be happy with the 2nd, the 3rd, the 4th or the 5th husband or wife.'  I look at these people who are miserable in their marriages and their lives, and I think, 'I have the responsibility to them, to make them aware that they have the capacity to bring about their adult selves and that they have a responsibility to their children that is going to affect the second half of their life enormously if they do not fulfill it.  Maybe I have got a responsibility to the two other people that these folks would marry next if they do not learn how to be marriaed the first time around.'

Here's another quote:   Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages.  People who are permanently married are polite to one another.  They don't want to hurt one another's feelings, and they don't try to make the other one feel humiliated.  People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another.   I really love that one.........so why is it so difficult to be kind to one another?  Humans are emotionally wired for reaction...often in a very destructive way, especially when we feel the "other" is wrong.  Can we change the wiring so that we are less reactive and more engaging, especially when we are feeling hurt and alone?  Can I teach couples how to do that?  Well, I'm trying!

In the same vein, another quote: Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but cruelty is not.  Above all, happiliy married partners see each other as allies, not as adversaries.   --And what is cruelty?  The hard reasons for divorce: unrelenting judgmentalism, ongoing abuse, addictions and infidelities.  All the other reasons are soft: frequent arguing, feeling misunderstood, unsupported, not feeling in love, lack of sex....  Yes, I know, there are what if's, yes-buts, and exceptions to most of what I have written, but that does not discount the core truths of what "being married" means.

And this one.  Read this one slowly, at least twice:  You can't be right and married at the same time.  If you're trying to be right and prove your partner wrong, you've stepped outside the marriage.   So what can you do? According to Pittman:

You are not going to be in love all the time, but if you want to recapture that magic from when you were in love, be loving. Being loving to your partner makes you feel so good about yourself, it doesn't matter if you're in love or not.  The marriage is making you feel good if you are loving in it. 

And just how can you be more loving?  Hmmm.  Think about it.  Or give me a call.

I often use Pittman's "politically incorrect" quote with couples (and with myself!): 

Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy--it's supposed to make you married.

Then after clients look at me aghast I say: "Wouldn't it be nice to be both?  Want to work on it?"

Standing Up For Yourself Without Putting Your Partner Down

One of the most important things we know about people who are destined to succeed in their relationships is that they deliver complaints differently from those who are destined to fail.  I have referred to this ability as a "soft startup"(John Gottman, 1999) in previous blog entries.  A soft startup is generally devoid of a judgmental attitude which I wrote about in my September blog entry. A soft startup also includes being able to stand up for yourself without putting your partner down.

Dropping the judgemental idea that one's partner is wrong doesn't mean that one has to give in.  People who are destined to succeed believe that their own opinions and expectations are just as importnat as those of their partners.  Rather than criticizing or trying to prove their partners wrong, people who are destined to succeed in their relationships simply ask their partners to "move over and make room for me." They ask their partners to meet them half way.  Successful partners both require that their feelings be respected, and make it easy for their partners to be respectful at the same time. They make it easy for their partners to be respectful by refraining from assuming that their partners are wrong.

When couples are distressed, it is most always the case that neither partner has the ability to stand up for him- or herself without putting the other person down. Instead, partners criticize and never state exactly what they want, try to present their own point of view as the only reasonable option, or give in to their partners while secretly thinking bad things about them.

People who are destined for success refrain from making a big deal of it when their partners don't seem willing to meet them half way.  They simply hold their ground and continue to insist that their opinions or priorities be given equal consideration.

Of course this is not always easy to do.  Sometimes we have to almost literally rewire our emotional brains to act differently.  Couples often have to be educated in couples counseling about the soft startup approach before they can consider changing their usual automatic blaming responses to each other.  Anger is a natural occurance in relationships but it is often an internal state that we need to learn how to shift to a more productive way of expression.  What's important is learning how to use that anger to stand up for our feelings without putting our partner down or blaming our partner.  Otherwise, using one's anger will only backfire.