Resisting the Urge to Blame

Blaming may feel good in the moment, but the effects can be disastrous.  Even if you feel angry at your partner, it doesn't mean that your words should be harsh or critical.  In fact, in order to get your message across, it's vital to avoid blaming via criticism or contempt.  While expressing anger or blame can get your point across, it will also erode your intimate bond.

If you attack with criticism, your partner will likely become defensive and blame you right back.  They may also get flooded and be unable to focus on the discussion and cause it to escalate.

Conversations like this eventually create emotional distance because the more critical and contemptuous you are, the more you will chip away at your friendship.  Choosing your words and emotions with care is not easy.  It takes practice, but once you start using this approach, it can repair and actually strengthen your bond over time.

So the next time you get angry, stop and think about why you're angry.  Is it because you're embarrassed? Worried? Feeling alone and/or rejected?  Tell you partner what you feel and what you need.  Learning to recognize when anger isn't really what you're feeling is a skill used by emotionally intelligent couples(John Gottman).

For example, this is how Ruth feels after h husband bailed on their date night?

I'm so angry at you.  You always cancel on me to meet up with your friends. You make me feel so small and unimportant.

The key emotion here is feeling unimportant.  Once she identifies this, she can communicate in such a way that her partner can understand her.

Ruth: Is this a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind?  STEVE:  It is.

Ruth: I feel unimportant when we make plans and you cancel them. I am sure you don't mean to make me feel that way.  Can we make time this week to do something together?

By focusing on your feelings beneath the anger, you welcome your partner to offer empathy and make a repair instead of becoming defensive.  Instead of starting a fight, you're starting a respectful dialogue about your feelings.  You are also asking your partner to be on your team.

Couples who understand that respect, kindness and love are more effective than harshness and criticism are what Dr. John Gottman calls The Masters of Relationships. 

The Importance of Emotional Validation

Distressed relationships are full of invalidation and low in validation, while happy and successful relationships include heavy doses of validation and little invalidation.

What is emotional validation?  Have you ever wished when you are upset about something that your partner would just listen rather than jump in and try to solve the problem or argue with you or say nothing?  Validation between partners is the communication of understanding and acceptance.   When we respond in a validating way, we communicate that we understand a person's experience (emotions, desire, pin, thoughts) or actions and accept them  You may not agree with your partner's view, but what's important is that you understand your partner's emotions.  Validation has something in common with empathy (understanding the other person's experience), but it also requires clear communication of that understanding.

Why is validation important? Responding to your partner's disclosures with validation or empathy communicates that you are paying attention, interested in your partner's experience (wants, emotions, thoughts) and understanding his or her experience.  Validation communicates that you are not interested primarily in arguing or interested primarily in being right (and your partner being wrong). Validation helps the other person express himself or herself accurately, which in turn facilitates your further understanding.

Validation soothes emotions. There is something very basic about being understood and accepted.  When someone we love communicates that she or he understands and accepts what we are thinking, how we are feeling, what we are wanting, we feel relieved, comforted and soothed.

Validation builds trust and closeness.  Couples who have had a lot of disagreement and regularly have invalidated each other typically develop a virtually instant, hair-trigger alert to the possibility of the other partner invalidating them.  This clearly communicates mistrust that your disclosures and expressions will b valued and understood and accepted.  The good news is that with validation, mistrust evaporates and trust builds.  In addition, when partners feel understood,valued, and accepted, they naturally feel close to each other. 

Two Ways of Being Together

Passively Together:  Even partners who are unhappy in their relationship and engage in a lot of conflict typically spend a lot of time in each other's presence, physically being in the same house or the same room, or at the same table, or sleeping in the same bed.  Yet, during these times, they may not interact with each other and more importantly, may not focus any positive attention on each other.  This an be considered being passively together.

Each of these situation  is a lost opportunity to practice being together in ways that soothe loneliness, reduce negative reactivity, and foster closeness and togetherness.  In time, the passively together may become a mostly hostile together because of the growing emotional distance and loneliness.

Actively Together: Alternately, you can be aware of each other's presence, notice what each other is doing, and feel a lot more collaborative and a lot closer emotionally whenever you are in close physical proximity.  Being actively together means occupying the same emotional space, letting your judgments and criticisms go(at least temporarily), and allowing yourself to appreciate or enjoy each other's company.

For example: 1.  The next time you are eating a meal with your partner, take a few seconds every few minutes to notice and take in that your partner is there, eating, sitting, being together with.

2. I you fall asleep after your partner or wake up before he or she does, take a few seconds to notice that you are in bed together, sharing the same bed, same blankets and each other's body warmth.  Just notice how it feels to be lying and sleeping together(even if you are not touching each other in any way), rather than sleeping alone in the same bed.

3. When you both are doing things around the house, (doing chores, getting ready for your day, getting ready for bed, reading the newspaper), take a few seconds to be aware of your partner, notice what she or he is doing and that you are together in your life.,  Making soft eye contact will deepen the connection even more.,

In other words, being mindfully aware of and present with each other, paying attention, even silently, can help nurture and strengthen your emotional bond--without which no marriage can be very fulfilling.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry......     Jim Covington

The Problem of Anger in Relationships

Many people argue that anger is a normative and often healthy emotion, that motivates us to stick up for our rights, values, boundaries, and helps protect us in dangerous situations.  This all may be true in addressing societal issues.  But there is a very corrosive aspect to anger in close relationships that often overshadow any possible benefits.

In relationships, feeling angry means having increased negative emotional arousal; this in turn churns out judgments. Judgments then increase arousal which produces more judgments, which leads to inaccurate and ineffective expression of emotions and desires, which then results in misunderstanding and conflict, which rarely leads to effective changes.  Thus, angry feelings and angry expressions in close relationships almost always create distance, and distance is the enemy of closeness and intimacy.  So, what is the alternative when you don't like something?

In a word: Description.  Description has the power to defuse this destructive cycle of judgments, negative arousal, misunderstanding, and conflict. If we can describe the situation, describe our inner reactions (emotions, wants, disappointments) most often our emotions will be soothed and we will return to a more balanced perspective and then act effectively(Nhat Hanh).  The benefit of anger is that it is easy to notice, and noticing anger can become a signal or alarm that we are going down a destructive path.  We can learn to notice this alarm and can respond by first, reorienting our attention to look for judgments; second, letting judgments go; and third, turning our attention to description instead.

For example, my wife is very busy with travels and meetings and sometimes I get angry because she is so busy with other matters.  Sometimes, I feel she is emotionally unavailable and begin to feel lonely.  So if I say to her: "Suzanne, you are so emotionally absent with me.  You don't ever think of me.  You're in your own world.  What is wrong with you?  Everybody comes first. I always come last.  You should see a therapist!"  But when I said that to her, she did not want to spend more time with me!  She just got defensive and argued with me!

So one day, following John Gottman's description of "softened start up" I said (describing to her): "You know, I have been feeling lonely lately.  I know you have a lot on your plate (kind acknowledgement), but I guess to be honest, I just need more of you.  A couple of weeks ago when we sat down after dinner and talked about our day, that really felt nice.  I just need more of you.  I really miss you."  And guess what?  She turned to me and said "I'm sorry, sweetie.  I didn't mean to be so absent, but I understand.  I guess I kind of feel that way too. So, you know what, let's do it now!"       

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.......  Jim Covington

The "Good Enough" Relationship

     Do you have a good enough relationship? What’s that? It sounds like settling for less than best.  However, through my counseling approach, I see myself actually encouraging couples to strive for the “good enough” relationship.

    In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they’re treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal.

This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict can actually be healthy, if you know how to deal with conflict, because it leads to greater understanding.

    People should not expect to solve all of the problems in their relationship, either. John Gottman has discovered in his research almost ⅔ of relationship conflict is perpetual. As Dr. Dan Wile (After The Fight) says, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”

   That doesn’t mean that you settle for being treated poorly. In his empirically-based theory, John Gottman describes what couples in the good enough relationship do and have. They are good friends. They trust one another, and are fully committed to one another. They have a satisfying sex life. They can manage conflict constructively. That means they can arrive at mutual understanding and get to compromises that work. And they can repair effectively when they hurt one another.

They honor one another’s dreams, even if they’re different. They create a shared meaning system with shared values and ethics, beliefs, rituals, and goals. They agree about fundamental symbols like what a home is, what love is, and how to raise their children.

Expect that. You deserve it. It’s not unreasonable, and it’s achievable. 

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. 

WHAT IS LOVE, REALLY?

Love is not always easy. I witness how difficult it is everyday in my work with couples. And being married, I also know love is not always easy. I am not exempt from the challenges of love either..and I'm a marriage counselor! I know that it's more than saying "I love you." It's important to say that to your partner, along with meaningful compliments and expressions of empathy and gratitude. These are good deposits in what John Gottman refers to as your emotional bank account.

But what about putting love into practice?

Bestselling author and researcher Brene Brown argues that "love is beautiful when it's professed, but it's only meaningful when it's practiced."

How do you and your partner "practice" love in your marriage in a way that creates meaning for both of you? Do you offer gifts, express appreciation, do chores around the house, intentionally spend time together, or give nonsexual physical affection?

Try this: Have a conversation with your mate about how love is expressed and practiced, both verbally and in meaningful ways and actions in your relationship. Express what you need from your partner, in a gentle manner, and seek to understand what your partner needs from you--to feel loved. Keep it simple: "Hon, I love you, but what do you need from me to feel that love?"

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry...."

The Way We Speak to Each Other When We Are Angry

The interactions that are most destructive in relationships are those that express angry criticism or impart a blaming, judgmental attitude toward one's partner.

Anger can overwhelm even the most self-reflective and self-aware person. When you are feeling blamed or criticized, even if the reasons may be valid, your pulse races and your limbic system takes over, making rational thought almost impossible.  

Anger is always expressed negatively as criticism and/or blame and it sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected(not important enough) and/or abandoned.  It makes sense that such scorn makes it infinitely harder to hold on to our mental equilibrium and emotional balance.  So we either angrily strike back defensively or withdraw and become emotionally distant.

I have often noticed that partners usually have no clue as to the real impact of their negative judgments.  Someone once said to me: "But mature adults should be able to deal with criticism.  It's really just feedback."  To which I answer: "But this is YOU giving feedback that he is disappointing you, and you are your partner's main source of safe connection.  He no longer feels safe in his most important relationship."

MESSAGE:  Blaming may feel good in the moment, but the effects can be disastrous.  While expressing anger or blame can get your point across, it will also erode your intimate bond.

The point is this: anger is often an indication of deeper feelings--feeling rejected, inadequate, dismissed, not feeling a priority, taken for granted.

So the next time you get angry, stop and think about why you're angry.

Then tell your partner what you feel and what you need in a softer tone, rather than a harsh one(John Gottman, How Marriages Succeed or Fail). For example, this is how Marge feels after her husband bailed on their date night:

After withdrawing and saying nothing for a while, in a raised voice she says: I don't believe this!  You always cancel on me to meet up with your stupid friends! Hello! Remember me!  You just think about yourself all the time! You never, ever think of me!  

The key emotion here is feeling unimportant. Once she identifies this, she can communicate in such a way that her partner can understand her.  She can then construct a more coherent and loving start-up to their conversation: 

Marge: "Is this a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind?"   
Tony: "It is."  
Marge: "I feel unimportant when we make plans and you cancel them.  I'm sure you don't mean to make me feel that way but I hope you understand.  So can we make time this week to do something together?"

In other words, speak from your own needs in a non-blaming and unapologetic tone.  Choosing your words and emotions with care is not easy.  It takes practice, but once you start using this approach, it can repair and actually strengthen you bond over time.

Born to Bond: Do You See Me?

We are born to bond.  Hence the reason humans need friendships and communities….and for most of us, a committed love relationship—a safe haven to go to and a secure base to go out from.

Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight(which I highly recommend to all couples), tells us that this secure base is sought in all love relationships.  She informs us that a silent unspoken need is the root of all solid connections: emotional presence.

Unconsciously or quietly we are always asking:  Do you see me? Are you there for me?  Do I matter? Can I tell that I’m special to you by the way that you look at me? These questions can only be answered by emotional presence.

I often hear in my work:

       She’s looking at me, but it’s like she’s looking past me.................. I know he cares, or I ‘think’  he cares and objectively I think he loves me, but he’s so checked out! So I don’t know!......................Sometimes I just want to shake him—tell him to wake up! He’s hardly ever present, it seems!

So here’s your homework:  When you see your mate today, make eye contact and let him/her know you see them.  It just takes a second. Taking that second can be one of the ways you can be present and connect.

Connection is always based on quality of presence or as John Gottman puts it: turning toward each other on a daily basis and making bids for connection by a loving gesture, loving eyes, a smile, a hug),  or  attuning to each other(You ok? How are you feeling?), or validating each other(I really understand how that made you feel…)  

And that’s how we feel seen. That’s how the bond between you is kept secure. That’s how trust remains steadfast.   Jim Covington