THE ART OF INTIMATE CONVERSATION

Intimacy implies closeness or feeling attuned, known by your partner, connected. Emotional connection is the main reason we seek committed relationships.  We are all wired for intimacy. Intimacy is usually thought of as physical and sexual in nature. True, but another avenue to intimacy is through conversation, i.e., the manner in which couples converse on a daily basis.  Many people think that effective conversation entails making yourself sound interesting to others,  when actually it is all about being interested in others and listening or feeling heard by others when expressing needs and vulnerabilities.  Attuned communication in everyday life is necessary to maintain any relationship.  So what does attuned communication involve?

1. First, put your feelings into words.  It is difficult for some people to verbalize their emotions.  Because they aren't sure what's going on inside, they are unable to share their feelings with their partner.  This can be a huge obstacle when trying to connect.  Please don't be dismissive of your emotions or ashamed if you have difficulty articulating them.  Instead, let your partner know that identifying your feelings is a challenge. We often express our feelings through anger, but beneath most anger is a deeper more vulnerable emotion.  Consider enlisting him or her to assist you in figuring them out, like help me out here... or give me a minute....I'm having a hard time saying what I am really feeling.

2.  Ask open-ended questions. Avoid queries that you partner can punt with single words such as "yes," or "no:" which kill conversations before they start. Instead pose questions in ways that require a deeper response. Replace "Did you have a good day at work?" with "So, what was it like at work today?"  Instead of "Did you like the movie?" try "What did you think of the movie?" This technique doesn't apply just to everyday exchanges but also to conversations about significant issues.  "Are you upset?"can close off further discussion but "you seem upset--what's going on?" will encourage it.

3. Follow up with statements that deepen connection.  After you partner answers a question, respond by saying back what you just heard, in your own words.  It's okay if your description isn't 100 percent accurate, but don't make assumptions or put words into the other's mouth.  When you reflect back your partner's thoughts and feelings in an understanding manner, you encourage him or her to open up more.

4. Express compassion and empathy. This is central in intimate conversation.  When your partner is upset, be on his or her team whether the issue is trivial or significant.  If you think your mate is overreacting or should have a "different" emotional response, stifle the urge to offer your opinion and suggestions.  Based on John Gottman's research, we know that being the voice of reason is not always the best approach.  Let other people play that role.  Yours is to let the person you love know that you're standing with him or her.  You get and accept his or her emotions as valid--because "all" feelings are.

Although you have probably been tempted, don't offer opinions or problem-solve until you've gone through all four of these steps.  Ready advice sounds glib and insulting to many people. ("Are you saying I can't think of a solution?. I am not stupid!")  I would go even further and warn you not to give advice at all unless asked.  Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution.

And that's what I suggest to couples who are lacking intimate conversations.  Follow this method in your daily interactions and you'll be amazed by how much you discover about each other.  I often recommend that couples schedule a "ritual of connection" or a "how was your day?" chats, using this method to check in and reconnect.

HOW PROBLEMS LEAD TO INTIMACY

There are unsolvable problems in every relationship. Choosing a partner in a committed relationship is choosing a set of problems--in many cases, irreconcilable.  You can decide to throw in the towel, divorce and choose a different partner down the road, but you will be choosing another set of problems. Not romantic, I know. But here is the bottom line: depending on how partners talk or don't talk about them, problems can lead to an increase in intimacy, or it can lead to a decrease in intimacy.

So now I want to talk about intimacy.  What everyone wants is a partner who admits, acknowledges, listens, confides, understands, accepts, sympathizes, and forgives.  Am I right?  In a word, we're all looking for intimacy, to feel known.  Intimacy results from telling your partner your main concern and feeling that he or she understands, and your partner's telling you the same and feeling that you understand.

A fight is never more than a sentence away.  However, intimacy is also never more than a sentence away, although neither of you is likely to be in a state of mind in which it is possible to come up with that sentence, particularly when the two of you are in the middle of a fight.  You have to wait until after the fight.  When you're in a fight, you're unable to confide your main concern or even to know what it is!

George and Eileen are a married couple in their early thirties. George works in finance and Eileen is a nurse. Eileen feels resentful that George doesn't help more around the house.  She blurts out.

Eileen raising her voice: We've got a great division of labor here! YOU mess the house and I always clean it!
George: (defending himself) What are you talking about??! I do a lot around here, damn it! And you just don't see it! You just love to criticize me, as usual!  And speaking of messes, take a look at the mess on your damn desk sometime!

And they get into a fight.  So far, that is not new.  In fact, that is what everybody does.  One partner is sarcastic or critical, the other is defensive, and they get into a fight.

But then Eileen and George do something that is new.  After they have the fight, they use the fight. They use it as an introduction to a conversation and a pathway to intimacy.  The next day, when both have cooled off, George comes up to Eileen and talks about the fight.  He says he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed.  He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Eileen didn't seem to notice.  And he was also disappointed in himself because now that he thinks aobut it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.

Suddenly Eileen and George are having a conversation rather than an argument.  Since Eileen isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself.  And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.

Eileen: Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I;'m still upset about it....... (And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they are able to discover things).....Eileen: I guess I'm upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together.  You have your own way of doing things and I have mine.  We;re really very different people.  And we lead such separate lives.  I've got my friends and you've got yours.  I've got my job and you've got yours.  I take care of the house, even if you are helping more, and you take care of the yard and the car, and I hardly help you at all in those jobs.  Sure , we do our jobs okay, but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well.  And I'm upset about that..

George says he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better.   ......and so now, Eileen and George aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework.  They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to....

If George and Eileen have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together enjoying the same things, and have the same interest,--they're like to have a nightmare view that they are just incompatible and getting married might have been a mistake.

If they were to have view of intimacy that I['m talking about, however, they'd know that talking about not being intimate can itself, be an intimate act. That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting, if it's not done in a tone of criticism or blame. For a moment at least,
George and Eileen would be in it together, which is the point of this blog essay: confiding without blaming about concerns such as feeling too separate is perhaps the fullest way in which people can intimately connect.

Disrespectful Judgments in Your Marriage?

The communications that are most destructive in relationships are those that express criticism or impart a judgmental attitude. When couples meet with me and claim their major problem is "communication", most of the time the problem is actually feeling criticized or judged when communicating which leads to a very negative cycle of demand/withdraw that never seems to end.  I have written about Poisonous Criticism in a previous blog entry (March 2014).

Expressing disrespectful judgments to your partner or about your partner can also be poisonous. Of course, most of the time (not always) criticisms and judgments are made because one spouse feels mistreated or ignored and expresses his/her feelings about being mistreated or feeling alone with anger which is often felt as criticism or judgment. Successful relationships manage feelings of disappointment in a less angry or harsh manner.  Couples in strong marriages express their disappointments or needs in a softer manner vs. harsh manner ( such as criticism or judgment), which makes it easier for the other to respond non defensively or withdraw.

To help you think about how disrespectful judgments may be effecting your relationship, John Gottman (How Marriages Succeed or Fail), suggests the following experiments:

Ask your spouse or partner the following questions.  If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments. 

                     
                        1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"

                        2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?

                        3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to ;yours?

                        4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to
                             explain your position?

                         5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?

                         6.  Do I ever ridicule your point of view?

All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse.  :You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.

What's the answer then?  The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect.  Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else.  It also means that you honor the viewpoint of your spouse even though you may not agree with it.  If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though you spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE

A recent Psychology Today edition (10/15) included an article about the work of John Gottman which has long been in the public eye. I have extracted some the article's highlights. For example, it highlighted one of his most vocalized findings based on his research: to maintain a satisfying relationship, couples must generate five seconds of positive emotions for every one second of negative emotions during conflict discussions. That's because negative emotions, like criticism and defensiveness have more power to hurt a relationship than positive emotions have to help one. Why is that?

Negativity just makes a bigger impact on the brain, and unless we take steps to counteract it, slights will accumulate, continually accelerating the likelihood that partners will grow apart emotionally. Gottman emphasizes --and I totally agree--that love is an energy system and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what a partner does next:  connect or disconnect, support or demonize.

Based on research, Gottman has found that everyone on the planet automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative.  In committed relationships, to repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own.  That, says Gottman, is the measure of trust--the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment.  It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven year breakup point.

When one person can't offer the olive branch or the other can't accept it, when neither takes the initiative to change direction and de-escalate a fight, when criticism, contempt, and stonewalling take over, when negative comments and interactions outnumber positive ones--well, of course the relationship is in big trouble. Resentment will deepen and push you further away from each other.

In healthy relationships, we pay attention to what our partner needs and we aim to meet those needs as they arise, without worrying about getting the same thing or something equivalent in return. In healthy relationships, there is a general inclination to fulfill a partner's needs even when they conflict with one's own, without keeping an internal tit-for-tat tally. Consequently you always feel like there is someone permanently in your corner.   It's demonstrated by couples all the time in ways both big and small, like moving across the country to accommodate a partner's great new joy or going out for a mate's favorite Chinese food instead of your preferred Italian.  Sometimes a couple's respective needs can feel irresolvable and that may be the case.  But most of the time I believe it's possible for couples to empathize and compromise.

BOTTOM LINE:  THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON. IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience as I believe many people are inclined to believe.  Lasting love will NEVER just happen to you.  You can't "find" LASTING love.  You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."  Because it takes time, effort and energy.  And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to generate the positive energy that will tame the negative and make your marriage work.

AND YET......

My thoughts about the NY Sunday Times essay, "The Wedding Toast I Will Never Give":

The phrase that caught my attention the most was "and yet."  The writer, Ada Calhoun, writes: "I love this person, and yet she's such a mess.  And yet when I'm sick, he's not very nurturing.  And yet we don't want the same number of children."  But "and yet" works the other way, too: Even during the darkest moments of my own marriage, I have had these nagging exceptions.  And yet, we still make each other laugh.  And yet, he is still my person.  And yet, I still love him. And so you don't break up and you outlast some of your friends'marriages.

Interesting.  My conjecture is that the reason the "and yets" balance each other out for the author, is because she and her spouse are still able to turn to each other enough of the time and feel a connection, probably because they handle most of their differences pretty well and are able to accept them and stay married.  But perhaps not. Maybe, like some couples, Ms. Calhoun and her husband remain married but also remain emotionally absent for each other and have decided to live with it rather than divorce.

There are other married couples at the other end of the spectrum of course, who more or less remain influenced by out consumer culture from which we derive the message: If you don't like it, and if you can't return it, go find something(someone) else you think will better suit you. Get a divorce.

I believe there are hard reasons and soft reason for divorce.  The hard reasons include abuse, ongoing infidelities, untreated addictions and ongoing deceit.  The soft reasons include ongoing misattunements which lead to emotional distancing and consequently repetitive attacks and defensiveness.  The soft reasons can be repaired if both spouses take responsibility for their part of the repetitive cycle.  With the unexpected changes and challenges of life (children, economy, illnesses, etc), and the irreconcilable differences in all marriages, misattunements are inevitable in marriages.  What matters is that couples acknowledge those misattunements in a nonjudgmental manner and then learn to accept their role and repair those misattunements and not allow them to fester.

Underneath most of the distress in marriages, partners are really asking each other: Are you there for me?  Do I matter to you? Anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection. That's what marriage is for!  No marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. To quote Ms Calhoun again: Epic failure is part of being human, and it's definitely part of being married.  But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges.  Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone.  And the shock of disconnection will continue and the negative "and yets" will begin to dominate until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.

THE DANCE OF LOVE

A love relationship is never static; it ebbs and flows. It's like a dance.  If we want love to last, we have to grasp this fact and get used to paying attention to and readjusting our level of emotional engagement.  Loving is a process that constantly moves from harmony to disharmony, from mutual attunement and responsiveness to misattunement and disconnection--and back again.

Misattunement is not necessarily a sign of lack of love or commitment.  It is inevitable and normal.  In fact, it is startlingly common.  Research informs us that happily bonded mother and infants miss each other's signals 70 percent of the time.  Adults miss their partner's cues most of the time, too!  We all send unclear signals and misread cues.  We become distracted, we suddenly shift our level of emotional intensity and leave our partner behind. Only in the movies does a poignant gaze predictably follow another and one small touch always elicit an exquisitely timed gesture in return. We are sorely mistaken if we believe that love is about always being in tune.  What matters is if we can repair tiny moment of misattunent and come back into harmony.  Bonding is an eternal process of renewal.

Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness.  The core attachment question "Are you there for me?"--requires a "yes" in response.  According to Sue Johnson (founder of Emotional Focused Therapy for Couples) a secure bond has three basic elements:

• Accessibility--you give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying
• Responsiveness--you accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring;
• Engagement--you are emotionally present, absorbed and involved with me.

When these elements are missing and repair has failed, alienation and disconnection take over and couples enter into dances of negativity like attack/withdraw or blame/defend. When love begins to erode, what is missing is attunement and emotional responsiveness.  Angry protests at the loss of connection escalate.  The repair of specific hurts becomes more and more challenging.  A slow unwinding of the tie begins.  As a sense of safe haven is lost, the old cliche that we build walls when we need to build bridges comes true.  Sue Johnson describes how the dance of love can play out in one of her blogs. I suggest you check it out. Go to:  http://drsuejohnson.com/love/love-is-a-dance/ 

And interestingly, I recently viewed a YouTube video featuring Thich Nhat Hanh being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey where he describes the 4 mantras of connection in marital relationship.  Some of you will love it, I'm sure.  Others may feel he is being too romantic or idealistic. Nevertheless, the core goals of the mantras are quite accurate, in my opinion.  If interested go to:                   https://www.youtube.com/watch?sns=em&v=UEUxFNkISnU&app=desktop     

HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE (Part II)

In my last blog post, I focused on what you as an individual can do to help avoid divorce: Do Your Part.
This post is To Both of You--my advice to couples:

1. TALK.  Sit down and talk together about strengthening your marriage.  Rather than trying to dig into deeper issues or past hurts, focus on positive steps you can take as a couple to stay on the best path. I am certainly not against deeper talks about issues and history, but sometimes the better strategy for couples is to focus on what you want to try, now, together, to boost and protect your marriage. Talk about how you can be there for each other--what each of you needs to feel loved. If talking about how to nudge your relationship forward works well for the two of you, I suggest you sit down and talk once a month about how to stay on course.

2. BOOST FUN AND FRIENDSHIP.  People get busy, life gets strained, and spouses get distant. But it is very important to keep fun and friendship alive in your relationship. You can make that happen by following this simple advice: a) Make time for doing enjoyable things together. b) Protect those times from conflict.  Have an understanding between you that issues and problems are off-limits during those times. Don't let hassles intrude on your opportunity to relax and be together.

3.IF CONFLICT RUNS HIGH.......learn to get it under control or get help in how to manage issues more constructively.  If you have children, this advice goes double.  Children are negatively affected by exposure to conflict between their parents. Don't fool yourself by saying you are "keeping it real" in front of the kids.  Bunk.  Sure, if you handle issues extremely well as a couple (e.g., with great listening, respect and resolution). that may be good for children to see.  But, in general, conflict between partners--especially with escalation and invalidation--is bad for children to be around.  And it's not great for you, either.

4. TAKE TIME OUTS. One strategy to keep a lid on things is to learn to take time-outs as a couple.  Agree on a signal that you will both honor when things are getting heated.  Agree that when either of you signal for a time-out, you'll both do your best to honor it.  Taking a time-out doesn't mean avoiding dealing with something important.  It just means deciding not to slide further into nastiness in the moment.  You'll return to the issue when you have both cooled down  It's like a sports team thar's losing control of the game and needs to take a break and get its act together.

5. DON'T THREATEN DIVORCE in the heat of frustrating arguments, which is like shouting FIRE in a crowded theater. Couples say things in the heat of the battle sometimes that should not be said: "Why did we ever marry?"  "Should we just split up?"  "Why don't you just move out if you feel that way?"  Sensitive questions to bring you closer together, right?  If you do that and you want your marriage to work, stop it.  You cannot nurture the desire to invest in your future if you keep reminding each other that there might not be one.  Don't talk about divorce unless you really mean to talk about divorce.  Otherwise, take a time-out.

6. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Obviously, some people become deeply unhappy in their marriages.  There is plenty of research indicating that those who become deeply maritally distressed are unlikely to get better on their own. If you have sunk into chronic unhappiness in your marriage, think about getting help.
Most couples in serious trouble wait far too long to get professional help. Because there is so much bitterness, resentment and emotional detachment, healing their marriage can be doubly difficult. If both of you know something is seriously amiss, seek help now. Good things can result from seeing a skilled counselor with whom both of you feel comfortable.

HOPE.........A few married couples almost never have any downs--only ups.  But most couples with very good marriages have ups and downs.  That's normal.  One of the most important things you can do to avoid divorce is to hold reasonable expectations.  You didn't marry someone who is perfect (only your mate did--ha ha!). Expect joy and strains, maddening moments and laughter.  Expect a real life.

HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE (Part I)

What can couples do to avoid divorce?  Hundreds of books, articles, workshops and lectures have tackled that question.  If there were a surefire way to "divorce-proof" a marriage, we would have found it by now.  It doesn't exist. But there are some things married couples can do to minimize their risk of divorce, which I plan to write about in my next few blog entrees.

There are two categories of advice that I will offer: to individuals and to couples.  This blog entry is for the individual spouse.  Spouses often have different opinions of the strengths and happiness of their marriages. Even if you have concerns, your partner may not or may dismiss them.  Hence, you might need to focus on what you can do and not what the two of you can do--at least for now.

What you can do is  do your part.  There is a lot an individual alone can do to strengthen a marriage. If you are concerned about your marriage, the sooner you start to turn things around within yourself, the better.  If you know how you contribute to the tensions in your marriage, work on changing that within yourself.  For example, if you know that you are inclined to be overly critical when you are upset, find a way to express your need or feelings in a way that comes more from yourself, rather than blaming or attacking your partner.  If you know what your partner needs to feel loved, which may be different from your own need, find a way to express the kind of love you know your partner will appreciate even if you don't receive the same attention, at least for now.....

To help you with this latter suggestion, I recommend you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  This book teaches us that there are five ways in which partners like to receive love: time spent together, receiving material gifts, receiving compliments and verbal acknowledgement, physical affection, and acts of service (taking care of business, e.i., walking the dog, food shopping, servicing the car, etc.).

The way you like to receive love might be very different from the way your partner likes to receive love.  If you don't know how your partner feels loved, read the book, have a conversation about it (if your partner is open to it), and then do your part!  If you don't read the book, try to have a conversation anyway and reference  the types of love I have mentioned in this blog entry. But if you at least, already know how your partner will feel loved by you, then do your part.  

MOMENTS

When couples contact me they most often say they need to work on their communication. To some extent this may be true, but it usually becomes apparent that the real issue of lack of connection.  I often hand out a paper I have entitled: Rituals of Connection.  When rituals of emotional connection are created in a marriage, they usually help couples celebrate their bond and stay together through all kinds of trials and triumph.  I call one of the rituals After-dinner Coffee that is especially good for couples with children.

Once the entire family finishes their meal and their dinner-time conversation, the kids are excused to play, do homework, or watch a video.  This give Mom and Dad time for a one-on-one conversation over coffee or tea.  For some couples, this ritual continues long after the children have left home.  I suggest that couples do this ritual over a hot beverage.  This ensures that you'll sit still long enough for it to cool and for you to drink it. But it also provides a definite end to the ritual (when the drink is gone) in case one or both of you have other things to do.  Most couples find this exercise of communication and connection quite meaningful and helpful. It's an important moment of connection.

However, there are other "moments" of connection as well that are not always planned. They can be more spontaneous.  These moments are just as important as a planned ritual, if not more so.,  What kind of moments are these:  It's the moment when you say I know we had a tough morning.  I don't know how to fix it right now, but I know that your tears mattered to me.  It's the moment when  you call to say I'm missing you.  It's the moment when you make eye contact and say Are you okay?  It's the moment when you go behind closed doors with your partner for 60 seconds of reconnection before starting your evening as a family.  It's the moment when you recognize your partner's stress and place a comforting arm while saying We'll figure this out together.  I've got your back. Finding moments creates vulnerability and connection.

How many moments did you consciously create today?

If you are interested in learning more about moment of connection, I highly recommend a YouTube site where Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense addresses this issue.  It's about two minutes long and is entitled The # 1 Way To Ruin A Perfectly Good Relationship. Go to:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5qHcPwOoTc   

I also recommend a longer Sue Johnson YouTube video (23 minutes), and very informative entitled How To Love Intelligently In the Age of Instant Gratification. Go to:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ejp4OAk7Oo     You may find other YouTube videos of interest on the YouTube page as well........

TURN OFF YOUR STUPID "SMART PHONES!"

Turn off your stupid smart phones....or i-phones, laptops, computers, video games........whatever!  The time couples are able to be "present" with one another, is crucial for feeling emotionally connected.  I am not suggesting you have to be present with your partner 24/7. We all need some separate time as well.  But being present at various times of the day with your mate is critical for fostering your connection with each other. Otherwise, emotional distance will definitely set in, which is often the source of nagging and criticism.   Technological devices have made this doubly difficult for us these days.   Harriet Lerner writes about this subject in her book Marriage Rules:

"Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it.  Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full, undistracted attention.

People become convinced that they have to take that call while they're on the beach, and that they'll advance more quickly at their job if they are available on e-mail at all times.  Rarely is this entirely, or even mostly, true.  Nor do you always need to be checking the news, the score, your e-mail, or anything else.

Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time.  The rules in my marriage are:

            1. iPhones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals, and no answering landlines.

            2.  no taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be
                 returned later.

             3.  if it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others

It's especially important to unplug from technology if your partner complains about it.  A client of mine made a significant improvement in his marriage when he informed his wife that his new rule was "no technology of any kind for two hours after leaving work and coming home to you and the kids."  The change was especially meaningful because his wife, for good reason, was highly reactive to his BlackBerry. She one threw his BlackBerry in the toilet when she really needed his help getting dinner ready and he wouldn't stop texting his brother.  This action comes with a "Don't try this at home" tag, although it did get his attention.

These days, it's good to have "time-out" rules from, say, anything you're prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane.  Only after you've become disciplined enough to carve out technology-free time will you realize how the seductive lure of technology can separate you from your relationship--and from yourself.  

HOW COUPLES LOSE THEIR CONNECTION

When couples are in distress, it is usually because they don't feel emotionally safe with each other.  Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you?  Are you there for me?  Do I matter to you? Do you love me? Want me?"  The anger, the criticism and the demands that couples often employ are really cries to their lovers, to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a safe connection.

When that emotional bond or connection is lacking, we are swamped by what neuroscientists call "primal panic."  That may sound dramatic, but it happens. We get anxious.  Freud himself wrote: We  are never so vulnerable as when we love. When we become anxious in our relationship, we generally do one of two things:  we either become critical, judgmental and demanding or clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves.

Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually a protest over feeling disconnected or unsafe, impinged upon, or not loved or even wanted.

Our society emphasizes individuality and independence--important states of being, no doubt.  Born to Be Free, as the song goes.  The reality is that we also need to feel connected. Our brains are wired for connection and we are dependent on one another for that connection and staying engaged.  The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, involved. Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one.  We gaze at them longer, touch them more. We are emotionally present.

So, if we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other's call for attention and connection and respond with caring?  Because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners.  We are distracted or caught up in our own agendas.  We do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care.  We speak tentatively.  Or we send out calls for connection tinged with anger and frustration because we do not feel confident and safe in our relationship.  We wind up demanding and criticizing rather than requesting, which only leads to power struggles, defensiveness and distancing.

The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions become.  When marriage fails, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause.  It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness. Based on John Gottman's research, we now know that successful couples share five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.  Think about that!   Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it.  The demise of marriage begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions.  The conflicts come later.

Become the Love Partner YOU Most Want To See!

First, I acknowledge that the theme of this post does not apply to every relationship especially when abuse, infidelity and addictions are involved and perhaps it is too late in some instances. But in most situations, I believe what I am writing about in this post is quite applicable, and perhaps primary for strong marriages.

 Steven Stosny in his book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle: To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to see.

Hmmmm....interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work?  When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.

Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner and both are bad:

1.  You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and living person I truly am until you do what I want."  (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassion, or loving or supportive, etc.)

2.  Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be.

In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve!

So, according to Stosny, our best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you.  Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate and supportive or resentful, demanding and critical.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relationship that are distressful to you.  Not at all!  It's the tone of how you bring them up that matters: compassionately (softly, giving benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.

But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to see.  To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change your want to see.

So resist the urge to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program,"  The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your relationship, knowing how YOU can be there for your mate than what your spouse does for it.  (Hmmmmm....I can hear you thinking "Are you sure about that Jim?"  I hear a lot of "yes, buts!" and maybe some of them are understandable).  But.......

........Consider the love you feel for your children.  Is it because of everything they do for you?  Is it because they're such angels?  Of course not.  The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO for THEM.  The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.

So, bottom line, as Mahatma Gandhi said: You must be the change you wish to see. It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change. Think about it.

HOW DOES LOVE WORK?

When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause, as we are prone to believe.  According to recent research, it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.  Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it.  The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions.  The conflicts come later.  According to the research of John Gottman, couples who have an intimate responsive connection, are able to repair inevitable conflict.  Without that love connection, conflicts will intensify, remain unresolved and emotional distancing will begin to undermine the relationship bond. How does that love connection work?

To shape this love connection, we have to be present, open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. A secure bond is achieved through mutual accessibility and responsiveness.  Most of the couples who sit in my office feel they are losing that connection. In my work with couples, I do help them understand how their actions or ways of addressing each other contribute to their troubled relationship, but my main goal is to ultimately help couples strengthen their bond.

Making love work is also accepting that, even when it's good, it is always a work in progress.  Just when you get it right, one of you changes!  Ursula Le Guin, the novelist, reminds us that love "does not sit there like a stone.  It has to be made like bread, remade all the time, made new."

So how does love work?  Dr. Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight about what she has learned from her work with couples about how love works:

• Our need for others to come close when we call--to offer us safe haven--is absolute. When that kind of bond is created, love works.
• Emotion tells us exactly what we need, if we can listen to it and use it as a guide to express what we need from each other, not as an excuse for blaming or criticizing.
• There is no perfect performance in love or sex.  Obsession with performance is a dead end.  It is emotional presence that matters.
• In relationships, there is no simple cause and effect, no straight lines, only circles that partners create together.  We pull each other into loops and spirals of connection and disconnection.
• We all hit the panic button at times.  We lose our balance and slip into anxious controlling or blaming and avoiding modes. The secret is to not stay in these positions.  It's too hard for your lover to meet you there.
• Neglect will kill love.  Love needs attention.  Knowing your attachment needs and responding to those of your lover can make a bond last until "death us do part." The secret is knowing how to express attachment needs and responding to each other without attacking or withdrawing.
• Emotional balance, calm, and vibrant joy are the rewards of love.  Sentimental infatuation is the booby prize.

Knowing all this, I still have to relearn these lessons every time I lose connection with my loved one.  I still have to face that nanosecond of choice: to blame.....to try and grab control.....to dismiss....to get revenge....to shut down....or to breath deep and tune in to my own and my loved one's emotions....to risk..... to reach..... to confide.... to hold.  And that is how love works.

DID YOU MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

How do you know if you married the right person? Ever ask that question?

Here's my answer.

I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction.  But even then, relationship can be challenging.  I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle.  In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with our spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience.  You didn't have to DO anything.  That's why it's call "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy.  It's a passive, spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades--the euphoria.  It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.,  Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?"  And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.  This is when marriages break down.  People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.  Infidelity is the most obvious.  But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage.  It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else.  You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.  Because......THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.... Yes, that's a radical statement, not always the case, but I believe it is the case most of the time.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will NEVER just happen to you.  You can't "find" LASTING love.  You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out.  That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."  Because it takes time, effort, and energy.  And most importantly, it takes WISDOM.  You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it.  Love is NOT a mystery.  There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage.  What do those things do?  They nurture emotional connection, even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.  Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you  physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger.  It's a direct cause and effect.  If you know and apply the  the habits, the results are predictable:  You can "make" love.  I will write about what those habits are in my next blog entry.