Marriage and The Love We Long For

In my last blog entry, When Marriage Rewires the Brain, there was one quote I inserted from the NY Times Sunday Review (March 25) article that really struck me: 

 When two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths.  We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.

It reminded me of the old Biblical adage in the Genesis creation myth when a woman and  a man first joined together to “become one flesh.”  I use to dismiss that idea of “one flesh,” as defining marriage as “losing one’s identity”, especially the woman, and giving up one’s own self, to be with another.  I believed that good marriages support the separate identities of each spouse.  I still believe that, but I have come to interpret the “one flesh” phrase differently. 

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, writes: Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another.  Isolation is devastating to the human psyche.  That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.  At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another.  Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

I agree, and that need is what I now believe was actually being addressed in the biblical verse—“becoming one flesh.”  That did not mean that individuals would lose their identity; it meant that they would enter into each other’s lives in a deep and intimate way. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.

But I also know that this kind of love is not the romantic kind, or the passionate kind that we first experience in the courtship stage.  No, this love is an intentional love, one where you conscientiously and tenderly choose to express your needs, to connect, touch, nurture, understand, appreciate, support, apologize and forgive (except when there is abuse and repeated betrayal).  This is the love you choose to express when differences will inevitably bring you pain and fear and tempt you to build walls. The pain and fear are usually expressed through anger and criticism and distancing…..  But real love, the deepest, mature love, -the love we long for-calls the married couple to “turn toward” each other and be “present” with each other, and “become one flesh.”  Unfortunately it is not always easy to love this way and too often, couples choose-and it is a choice- to demonize each other, “turn away” and inevitably become strangers in the night.      

I welcome your comments. Jim Covington   

When Marriage Rewires the Brain

A recent  NY Times Sunday Review (March 25) featured an essay entitled, The Brain On Love. The author, Diane Ackerman, writes about recent discoveries in the field of interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB).  IPNB, developed by Dan Siegel and Allan Schore, is a relatively new approach to exploring the brain and how it is directly impacted by life experiences throughout our lives.  Ackerman focuses mainly on the impact of relationships on our brains, and in particular, marriage.  To share with you, I have excerpted a few segments which I found most impactful from Ackerman’s commentaryl:

….All relationships change the brain — but most important are the intimate bonds that foster or fail us…..
….As the most social apes, we inhabit a mirror-world in which every important relationship, whether with spouse, friend or child, shapes the brain, which in turn shapes our relationships……… It’s not that care-giving changes genes; it influences how the genes express themselves as the child grows.
….Does it also promote physical well-being? 'Scientific studies of longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and even wisdom,' Dr. Siegel says, 'point to supportive relationships as the most robust predictor of these positive attributes in our lives across the life span.'
….When two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths……………. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.
….But a loving touch is enough to change everything. James Coan, a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, conducted experiments in 2006 in which he gave an electric shock to the ankles of women in happy, committed relationships. Tests registered their anxiety before, and pain level during, the shocks.

Then they were shocked again, this time holding their loving partner’s hand. The same level of electricity produced a significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. In troubled relationships, this protective effect didn’t occur. If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.

However, it’s not all sub rosa. One can decide to be a more attentive and compassionate partner, mindful of the other’s motives, hurts and longings. Breaking old habits isn’t easy, since habits are deeply ingrained neural shortcuts, a way of slurring over details without having to dwell on them.  Couples often choose to rewire their brains on purpose, sometimes with a therapist’s help, to ease conflicts and strengthen their at-one-ness. (My underline, of course.)

……Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain. 

 Read the entire essay at http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/the-brain-on-love/?scp=1&sq=On%20love&st=cse

Intimate Conversations

In his latest book, The Science of Trust, John Gottman informs us that couples who have a high degree of trust, share their worlds with each other. They give each other their undivided attention—not sitting together and watching TV or texting someone, but looking at each other and talking with the TV off.  They have intimate conversations. They are being “present” with each other.  They don’t have to be long conversations, but long enough….The conversations don’t have to be only about relationship issues but also about whatever is going on in one’s life outside the marriage. Intimate conversations create a strong emotional connection, which is the basis for intimate trust and personal sex.  Gottman writes: “There are four things I observe as characteristic of intimate conversations:

            1. Being able to identify in words what one is feeling

            2. Asking one’s partner open-ended questions

            3. Using statements that follow up on the answers to these questions by probing for a deeper understanding of one’s partner’s thought and feelings, and

            4. Using statements of compassion and empathy to express understanding of one’s partner’s thoughts and feelings."    In other words:

      ---Don't wait too long without saying what’s bothering you or what you need from your spouse, but don’t speak with a blaming tone. If we wait too long, when we do bring something up, we are usually feeling angry and critical, which of course makes it difficult for your spouse to respond with any kind of openness or understanding. Tune into your body and describe how you are feeling with a desire to feel heard, known and understood by your partner.

       ---We can’t just talk; we also have to listen with undivided attention. We may not agree at the moment with a single word that our spouse says, but we need to keep our mouth shut  and not interrupt and let him/her say it and then take a genuine interest in understanding his/her point of view.

         ---We must listen for and respect the feelings as well as the facts.  Ask yourself: “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”  Then check it out, like: “It sounds to me like you’re disappointed that I didn’t ________” or “It sounds like you’re pretty upset that your boss _______>”   That kind of question gives your spouse a chance to clarify and it also indicates that you are listening intently.  It never helps when your husband tells you he’s feeling ignored, if you say in return:  “you can’t possibly feel that way” or “can’t you see I’m busy!.”  Or it never helps when your wife complains that she’s feeling put down, if you respond: “That’s absurd.”  And it doesn’t help if you are sharing something about your day while your spouse is reading email on his IPad. In other words, it is important that we truly be present and listen and acknowledge how our spouse feels and really try to understand what is causing that feeling...and having an intimate conversation.

 

Divorce?

In John Updike’s book of short stories, Too Far to Go, an exasperated husband exclaims to his wife: You’re such a nice woman…I can’t understand why I’m so miserable with you.”

Yes, sometimes it’s hard to be married. It does take work, for most of us.  Sometimes, there can be so much pain, rage, disillusionment, bitterness, loneliness, boredom, disconnection.  “Is this the person I really want to be married to now?” And so at different stages of life, for different reasons, we find ourselves considering divorce. And sometimes, we should divorce, before children, or to avoid living out our years in a rotten relationship that is so "mismatched."  Divorce seems right, painful, but the right thing to do.  Yes?

Yes...well, maybe not, sometimes.  Whatever happened to perseverance, sticking it out, for better or for worse? Mrs.Antrobus in Thorton Wilder’s The Skin of Our Teeth, says I married you because you gave me a promise.  That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine.  Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage…And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them--it was that promise. (Also see my Jan. 23, 2012 Blog entry.)


We know that the national divorce rate hovers around fifty percent. In recent years it has actually stabilized or declined a bit, although the divorce rate in several parts of the Bible Belt is now above the national average.

But inside and outside the Bible Belt, it is believed by professionals that many spouses who choose to end their marriages undoubtedly could, with some effort and sacrifice—maybe a great deal of effort and sacrifice—preserve them. (Unless of course, there is wife beating involved, repeated adulteries, and drug addiction.)  I read recently that 70 percent of couples who divorced didn’t need to divorce, that they could have made it, if instead of leaving the marriage, they’d understood that conflict is normal, that conflict is growth trying to happen. 

The work of making a marriage acceptable, better, or good enough requires that the wife and the husband didn’t do so much “scarring” or "emotional avoidance" of each other that there's no going back. But if we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other’s calls for attention and connection and respond with caring?  Sue Johnson, developer of emotionally focused couple therapy, says it’s because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners. We do not know how to speak the language of attachment; we do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care.

If we don’t learn anything about how to emotionally connect, chances are that  2^nd marriages won’t work so well either, which seems to be the case for most. As psychiatrist Peter Kramer puts it: There are limits to how different things will be if you exchange this partner for another. As a couples therapist I lean in the direction of emotional attunement and healing.  I lean that way in part because of my experience that with good direction, couples can indeed learn to be more attuned to each other and consequently more caring rather than more alienated and eventually divorced. And so they keep their promise.

Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., LMFT   www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com  See the page: Couples on the Brink: Second Thoughts about Divorce

Staying Married...."for better, for worse."

In her book, Grown-up Marriage, which I highly recommend to both married and premarital couples, Judith Viorst writes insightfully about the ups and downs of married life and offers her advice about how to stay married through all of “soars and slumps” of married life.

She suggests that the lengths we go to, to stay married might include attempting to live by the following precepts, which tend to be more heroic than they may sound:  “Try to be nice to each other even if you don’t particularly feel like it.  Try to give to each other without being asked.  Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home.  Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism than you think your spouse deserves. Honor each other’s goodwill and good intentions, even when you don’t get what you need.  Don’t expect to get all that you need from each other.  Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation.  When possible, laugh.  When possible, say yes to having sex—with the husband or wife to whom you are married….When romantic passion dwindles, choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years.  Compromise. Compromise some more.

It helps, in our efforts at compromise, if we can distinguish injuries to our soul from injuries merely to our sensibilities. It helps if we can stand, for a minute or two, in our partner’s shoes and look at the view from his or her perspective…and see our husband or wife as the other half of the suffering human race. It’s easier to compromise if we recognize that, when we do, the winner’s the marriage.”

The Secure Attachment Style

IN my last blog entry I wrote about the importance of attachment and the three basic types of attachment style:  avoidant, anxious and secure.   In the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, these three styles are defined and elaborated on.   The healthiest relationships are those between two people who are “secure.”  While I doubt that many of us ever fit this type of personality perfectly, I think it can be useful to contemplate the authors’ description of the secure type of individual in relationships(pp 136-137):

• Great conflict buster—During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.
• Mentally flexible—They are not threatened by criticism.  They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies..
• Effective communicators—They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them.
• Not game players—They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games.?
• Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.”  Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
• Quick to forgive—They assume their partner’s intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
• Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one—They don’t need to create distance by separating the two.
• Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
• Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others.
• Responsible for their partner’s well being—They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.

Born To Be Attached

In recent years research has confirmed that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes. In fact the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic/married partners).  This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child, parted form his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her.  Or the opposite, when a child is abused, he becomes an angry loner or emotionally distant. These reactions are called protest behaviors and we all, more or less, still exhibit them as grown-ups. ( Sue Johnson, in her book, Hold Me Tight, refers to this behavior between couples as the protest polka.)  Of course, the attachment need can be met in other ways such as in communities, groups, churches, etc, but I am focusing on the couple relationship.

Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually (seldom acknowledged) a protest over feeling disconnected, or unsafe, impinged upon, criticized, or just not loved enough.  Our society emphasizes individuality, differentiation, independence—all of which are important states of being, to a point—Born to Be Free, as the song goes. The reality is that we also need to feel connected and are dependent on one another for that connection. We are also born to be attached.

Our need for attachment and how we express that need or deny it,  depends on a number of factors, including, early childhood upbringing, natural temperament, brain wiring, and life experiences.  According to scientific research, humans develop three different ways or styles of approaching intimacy:  avoidant, anxious and secure.  All people in our society fall into one of these categories or perhaps a combination.  The reason relationships become difficult at times is that each person has different attachment styles and needs.  Depending on the attachment style and needs of each person,  if a couple is not attuned to each other, they can begin to feel misunderstood, abandoned, alone, smothered,  or dominated. That’s when the protest behaviors begin: distancing, criticism, blaming.

Here is a brief description of each style of attachment (see Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment, Levine and Heller): Avoidant:  It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationship.  Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arms’ length. You don’t like to touch very much. You tend not to open up to your love partner and she/he often complains that you are emotionally distant, which of course, makes you angry and more distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement in your space by your partner.  Or you many choose to be alone which many young people today seem to be choosing. Not sure what that means, but I am intrigued and concerned.

Anxious: You love to be very close to your partner and have the capacity for great intimacy.  You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. Or sometimes you just get quiet and distant and withdraw, but inside you are anxious and hurting. Or you talk to your friends and/or parents about your anxiety, but not your partner

Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you.  You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationship.  You don’t get easily upset over relationship matters.  You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need.

It might be helpful for you to share this with your loved one.  Please don’t point fingers and accuse each other of being this style or that!  Share your different attachment styles as you each perceive them and your emotional needs. Become more mindful of them in yourself and each other, realizing that we are all different and that our deepest love calls on us to respect those needs, articulate them, and not become a slave to them, but learn to share and respond to them affectionately in our individual selves and to each other. Or if necessary, find a counselor to help you talk about it.   I will write more about this in my next blog.
Jim Covington    http://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/