In his latest book, The Science of Trust, John Gottman informs us that couples who have a high degree of trust, share their worlds with each other. They give each other their undivided attention—not sitting together and watching TV or texting someone, but looking at each other and talking with the TV off. They have intimate conversations. They are being “present” with each other. They don’t have to be long conversations, but long enough….The conversations don’t have to be only about relationship issues but also about whatever is going on in one’s life outside the marriage. Intimate conversations create a strong emotional connection, which is the basis for intimate trust and personal sex. Gottman writes: “There are four things I observe as characteristic of intimate conversations:
1. Being able to identify in words what one is feeling
2. Asking one’s partner open-ended questions
3. Using statements that follow up on the answers to these questions by probing for a deeper understanding of one’s partner’s thought and feelings, and
4. Using statements of compassion and empathy to express understanding of one’s partner’s thoughts and feelings." In other words:
---Don't wait too long without saying what’s bothering you or what you need from your spouse, but don’t speak with a blaming tone. If we wait too long, when we do bring something up, we are usually feeling angry and critical, which of course makes it difficult for your spouse to respond with any kind of openness or understanding. Tune into your body and describe how you are feeling with a desire to feel heard, known and understood by your partner.
---We can’t just talk; we also have to listen with undivided attention. We may not agree at the moment with a single word that our spouse says, but we need to keep our mouth shut and not interrupt and let him/her say it and then take a genuine interest in understanding his/her point of view.
---We must listen for and respect the feelings as well as the facts. Ask yourself: “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” Then check it out, like: “It sounds to me like you’re disappointed that I didn’t ________” or “It sounds like you’re pretty upset that your boss _______>” That kind of question gives your spouse a chance to clarify and it also indicates that you are listening intently. It never helps when your husband tells you he’s feeling ignored, if you say in return: “you can’t possibly feel that way” or “can’t you see I’m busy!.” Or it never helps when your wife complains that she’s feeling put down, if you respond: “That’s absurd.” And it doesn’t help if you are sharing something about your day while your spouse is reading email on his IPad. In other words, it is important that we truly be present and listen and acknowledge how our spouse feels and really try to understand what is causing that feeling...and having an intimate conversation.
---Don't wait too long without saying what’s bothering you or what you need from your spouse, but don’t speak with a blaming tone. If we wait too long, when we do bring something up, we are usually feeling angry and critical, which of course makes it difficult for your spouse to respond with any kind of openness or understanding. Tune into your body and describe how you are feeling with a desire to feel heard, known and understood by your partner.
---We can’t just talk; we also have to listen with undivided attention. We may not agree at the moment with a single word that our spouse says, but we need to keep our mouth shut and not interrupt and let him/her say it and then take a genuine interest in understanding his/her point of view.
---We must listen for and respect the feelings as well as the facts. Ask yourself: “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” Then check it out, like: “It sounds to me like you’re disappointed that I didn’t ________” or “It sounds like you’re pretty upset that your boss _______>” That kind of question gives your spouse a chance to clarify and it also indicates that you are listening intently. It never helps when your husband tells you he’s feeling ignored, if you say in return: “you can’t possibly feel that way” or “can’t you see I’m busy!.” Or it never helps when your wife complains that she’s feeling put down, if you respond: “That’s absurd.” And it doesn’t help if you are sharing something about your day while your spouse is reading email on his IPad. In other words, it is important that we truly be present and listen and acknowledge how our spouse feels and really try to understand what is causing that feeling...and having an intimate conversation.
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