During the initial stages of infatuation and love, chemical changes in the brain (PEA) create an intense level of sexual desire and passion. Everything is on fire. Chemistry provides sexual arousal without any need to communicate sexual preferences or create sexual desire. Sexual problems related to early childhood abuse, negative attitudes, conflict and resentment, sexual inhibitions, or a low libido which may be overpowered by early passion often re-surface when the fire simmers down, which can sometimes become problematic in your relationship. --Shirley Glass
Much has been written by sex and marriage therapy professionals about how to recover desire. Shirley Glass, who has written about infidelity in her book, Not Just Friends, also writes about the loss of sexual desire and the causes. See: http://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_sex.htm (or copy and past)
Based on the causes of low desire, she lists the following things to consider to recover desire:
1. Rule out medical conditions and possible side effects of medications.
2. Explore childhood messages about sex.
3. Work on healing from emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
4. Improve marital communication.........
Develop conflict resolution skills. Discuss marital issues assertively with respect and consideration for each other. Talk to each other openly about your wishes, hopes, and dreams. Communicate your sexual feelings and desires. Share your turn-ons and turn-offs.
5. Focus on sensuality and romance..........
Have a moratorium on sexual intercourse. Decrease the pressure for orgasms. Create warmth and comfort in touching each other--especially outside the bedroom. Go dancing. Give each other back rubs, facial and foot massages before attempting whole body massages. Take showers and hot tubs together.
6. Don't make desire a prerequisite for sexual intimacy.........
Desire does not necessarily have to precede arousal. If you allow yourself to be open to being sexually stimulated by your partner, desire can follow your arousal.
7. Understand and work on individual, medical and relationship issues that contributed to the problem. Consider individual and couples therapy. Remember that problems with sexual desire usually don't occur overnight, so healing and recovery will take time.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
The Complexities of Sexual Desire
Over the years of working with couples, I have come to appreciate the complexities of sexual desire. Sexual desire is affected by many factors: hormones, physical health, psychological issues, child-birth, menopause(female & male), past experiences, emotional wiring and emotional distancing due to unresolved conflict, to name a few.
So it is not surprising that couples often have differences in sexual desire, which sooner or later leads to problems for most couples. Desire problems are the most common sexual complaint for couples. Based on recent research by David Schnarch ( Intimacy and Desire), couples rated their overall sexual relationship as follows:
When there is a low sexual desire problem, a number of issues, which I listed above, should be checked out and when unresolved conflict about other issues in the marriage is the problem, marriage counseling should probably be sought. It is said that while the sexual relationship accounts for only about 10-20 percent of marital happiness, that percent remains very important for most couples, because a good sexual relationship makes you feel close emotionally. Actually, sex produces "feel good" chemicals such as endorphins and oxitocyn (the bonding hormone). The sexual connection is not the only route to intimacy, but remains important nevertheless.
Most people believe that love automatically creates sexual desire in healthy people. At first glance, this makes a lot of sense. But once you buy into the belief that sexual desire comes "naturally," you're in for a load of eventual problems. You'll feel pressured to create something that just isn't there. You'll get defensive and despondent when problems surface in your sex life. You (especially if you are male), begin to feel defective and ashamed and withdraw from your partner even more. While women are more likely to have low desire, we now know there are more men with low sexual desire than has been assumed. And then when your spouse starts criticizing that you are too sex driven or sex depriving, it only makes matters worse.
David Schnarch writes that "there's always a low desire spouse and there's always a high desire spouse--and there's one of each in most marriages." The most freeing point of this view is that neither the high desire position or the low desire position is right or wrong. There are simply differences.
So what to do? I will try to answer that question in my next blog entry, but basically it comes down to this: spouses having gentle conversations about their own sexual needs and anxieties without criticizing one another and finding a way to bridge the differences of their sexual desires so that sexual intimacy is not lost altogether.
So it is not surprising that couples often have differences in sexual desire, which sooner or later leads to problems for most couples. Desire problems are the most common sexual complaint for couples. Based on recent research by David Schnarch ( Intimacy and Desire), couples rated their overall sexual relationship as follows:
- 12% had no sex in the last year.
- 21% have sex several times a year.
- 34% have sex once or twice a month.
- 26% have sex once or twice a week.
- 7% have sex 4 or 5 times a week.
When there is a low sexual desire problem, a number of issues, which I listed above, should be checked out and when unresolved conflict about other issues in the marriage is the problem, marriage counseling should probably be sought. It is said that while the sexual relationship accounts for only about 10-20 percent of marital happiness, that percent remains very important for most couples, because a good sexual relationship makes you feel close emotionally. Actually, sex produces "feel good" chemicals such as endorphins and oxitocyn (the bonding hormone). The sexual connection is not the only route to intimacy, but remains important nevertheless.
Most people believe that love automatically creates sexual desire in healthy people. At first glance, this makes a lot of sense. But once you buy into the belief that sexual desire comes "naturally," you're in for a load of eventual problems. You'll feel pressured to create something that just isn't there. You'll get defensive and despondent when problems surface in your sex life. You (especially if you are male), begin to feel defective and ashamed and withdraw from your partner even more. While women are more likely to have low desire, we now know there are more men with low sexual desire than has been assumed. And then when your spouse starts criticizing that you are too sex driven or sex depriving, it only makes matters worse.
David Schnarch writes that "there's always a low desire spouse and there's always a high desire spouse--and there's one of each in most marriages." The most freeing point of this view is that neither the high desire position or the low desire position is right or wrong. There are simply differences.
So what to do? I will try to answer that question in my next blog entry, but basically it comes down to this: spouses having gentle conversations about their own sexual needs and anxieties without criticizing one another and finding a way to bridge the differences of their sexual desires so that sexual intimacy is not lost altogether.
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