BUILDING TRUST

So, following up on my last blog entry, how do couples build or restore trust? When it comes to infidelity, this is not always easy to do. For more information of how to restore trust after infidelity, go to my web site page at:  http://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/infidelity.html

However, betrayal can be more than sexual infidelity or also abuse. It can be more subtle.  It can happen in just one interaction.

In the other behaviors of betrayal (for example: your partner is never there for you), trust is built in very small moments.  In any interaction there are chances of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.  Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship.

One evening I was in bed getting ready to relax and catch up on the day with my wife who was washing her face in the bathroom.  She stayed longer than usual.  I kept waiting. I called out, "Hon, are you coming to bed?" I got a closed mouth response....Yeah. Then when she finally got into bed, she remained very quiet and seemed distant.

I had a choice.  I could simply turn out the light and say goodnight and literally turn away from her, feeling angry that she was so distant.  Instead I turned to her, reached out and touched her arm and asked: "Are you OK? You seem so quiet."  And she told me that yes, she was upset by a comment I had made to her at dinner. So I tuned in and asked her what I said and then we had a conversation so I could understand why she was so upset. After the conversation, I told her I understood her feelings and that I understood why she felt hurt. With a loving smile, she thanked me for asking about her and said she felt better.

Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I turned toward her and was there for her.  In other words I was not choosing to turn away from her and thinking to myself how distant and angry she is and thinking, "I don't need this!"  These are the moments, we've discovered, that either build trust or undermine it.

Of course, one moment of turning away is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship--very gradually, very slowly.

Another word for the basis of building trust is ATTUNEMENT. Attunement is being aware of your partner's emotion, turning toward the emotion, trying to understand your partner and responding non defensively or empathically.

I believe to achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune into our deepest needs and longing and share them with our partner and have your partner respond--a partner you know and feel is there for you. That is how trust is built.

Trust and Betrayal

In all my years of counseling couples, the issue that seems to be most important is trust.  Interestingly, this was recently confirmed in a report by John Gottman that for couples who struggled the most (30% of those surveyed), the number one issue that came up for them was trust and betrayal.  He also discovered that there are different areas of trust, aside from the one that is most assumed : sexual and emotional betrayal.
The trust factor can best be defined with questions:

• Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I'm upset?
• Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends?
• Can I trust you to work for our family?
• To not take drugs?
• Can I trust you to not cheat on me and be sexually faithful? 
• Can I trust you to respect me? Can I feel safe with you? 
• To help with things in the house?  To be involved with the children?

Trust is one of the most commonly used words in the English language--it's number 949.  When Gottman went to Amazon.com and typed in "trust," he was surprised that 36,000 books came up. A lot of them were business books, on how to set up a financial trust.  But most of them were really about trust in relationships and trust in general. (Gottman, The Science of Trust)

And it turns out that when social psychologists ask people in relationships, "What is the most desirable quality you're looking for in a  partner when you're dating?", trustworthiness is number one. It's not being sexy or attractive.  It's really being able to trust somebody.Trust is a fundamental principle for making relationships work.

Also, through Gottman's research, he found that trust is essential not only to healthy relationships but also healthy communities.  Trust isn't just important for couples. It's also vital to neighborhoods and states and countries. Trust is central to what makes human communities work as well as marriages.,

In relationships there are a number of ways trust can be undermined and betrayed, such as:

• Conditional commitment-- "I'm here for you until somebody better comes along.,"
• A non-sexual affair, otherwise known as an emotional affair with someone. This most commonly occurs with colleague friendships at work and online relationships.
• Lying, e.g. keeping secrets from your partner.
• Absenteeism or coldness, e.g. emotional distance, anger, lack of empathy, not being responsive to your partner's needs or bids for connection, all of which can lead to lack of sexual and emotional intimacy.
• Disrespect--ongoing contempt and criticism conveying a superior attitude: "Any reasonable and intelligent person would see that your way makes no sense." A loving relationship is not about one person having the upper hand--it's about holding hands.
• Abuse--emotional and physical--the most destructive way. Unless addressed and stopped,  it will completely destroy all trust. .

So how is trust built? How is it restored?  I will write about that in my next blog entry.

The Masters and Disasters of Marriage

A recent article appeared in The Atlantic magazine entitled The Masters of Marriage.  I strongly urge you to read the entire commentary (link listed below).  I have edited the article for my blog entry to give you an idea of the substance of it but I urge everyone to read it in its entirety.    The edited version:

John Gottman and his wife Julie and other social scientists have studied thousands of couples over the last four decades in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters.  The masters were still happily together after six years.  The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in his "love lab", the quicker their relationship deteriorated over time.

But what does physiology have to do with anything?  The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal--of being in fight-or-flight mode--in their relationships.  Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal.  They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, or what Gottman calls "bids." For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard.  He might say to his wife, "Look at that beautiful bird outside!"  He's not just commenting on the bird here: he is requesting a response from his wife--a sign of interest or support--hoping they'll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid.  Those who didn't --those who turned away--would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing.

By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with 94 percent certainty whether couples will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later.  Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship.  Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?

Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart.  Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated--feel loved.

There are two ways to think about kindness.  You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don't.  Or you can think of kindness as a muscle.  In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others. but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.

Kindness doesn't mean that we don't express our anger," Julie Gottman explained, "but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger.  You can throw spears at your partner.  Or you can explain why you're hurt and angry, and that's the kinder path.."

We've all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough.  But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality.  How someone responds to a partner's good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship. In one study from 2006 a group of psychologists brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They wanted to know how partners would respond to each other's good news.  They found that, in general, couples responded to each other's good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.

Lets say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school.  She would say something like "I got into my top choice med school!"

If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event and say something like: "you wouldn't believe the great new I got yestereday! I won a free t-shirt!" If her partner responded in a passive constructive way he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way.  A typical active destructive response is saying "That's great , babe," as he texes his buddy on his phone.

In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news this partner just got:  "Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!

Finally, there's active constructive responding.  If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: "That's great! Congratulations! When did you find out?  Did they call you?  What classes will you take first semester?"

Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. Research has discovered that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. (Being there for each other)

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it's often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up--with children, career, friends, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for intimacy--couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart.  But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

( If you are interested in reading the entire article, which I recommend, go to: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/?single_page=true )

How To Recover Sexual Desire

     During the initial stages of infatuation and love, chemical changes in the brain (PEA) create an intense level of sexual desire and passion.  Everything is on fire.  Chemistry provides sexual arousal without any need to communicate sexual preferences or create sexual desire.  Sexual problems related to early childhood abuse, negative attitudes, conflict and resentment, sexual inhibitions, or a low libido which may be overpowered by early passion often re-surface when the fire simmers down, which can sometimes become problematic in your relationship.  --Shirley Glass  

Much has been written by sex and marriage therapy professionals about how to recover desire.  Shirley Glass, who has written about infidelity in her book, Not Just Friends, also writes about the loss of sexual desire and the causes.  See:   http://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_sex.htm (or copy and past)

Based on the causes of low desire, she lists the following things to consider to recover desire:

1. Rule out medical conditions and possible side effects of medications.

2. Explore childhood messages about sex.

3. Work on healing from emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

4. Improve marital communication.........
              Develop conflict resolution skills.  Discuss marital issues assertively with respect and consideration for each other.  Talk to each other openly about your wishes, hopes, and dreams.  Communicate your sexual feelings and desires.  Share your turn-ons and turn-offs.

5.  Focus on sensuality and romance..........
                Have a moratorium on sexual intercourse.  Decrease the pressure for orgasms.  Create warmth and comfort in touching each other--especially outside the bedroom.  Go dancing.  Give each other back rubs, facial and foot massages before attempting whole body massages.  Take showers and hot tubs together.

6.  Don't make desire a prerequisite for sexual intimacy.........
                  Desire does not necessarily have to precede arousal.  If you allow yourself to be open to being sexually stimulated by your partner, desire can follow your arousal.

7.  Understand and work on individual, medical and relationship issues that contributed to the problem.  Consider individual and couples therapy.  Remember that problems with sexual desire usually don't occur overnight, so healing and recovery will take time.

The Complexities of Sexual Desire

Over the years of working with couples, I have come to appreciate the complexities of sexual desire.  Sexual desire is affected by many factors: hormones, physical health, psychological issues, child-birth, menopause(female & male), past experiences, emotional wiring and emotional distancing due to unresolved conflict, to name a few.

So it is not surprising that couples often have differences in sexual desire, which sooner or later leads to problems for most couples.  Desire problems are the most common sexual complaint for couples.  Based on recent research by David Schnarch ( Intimacy and Desire), couples rated their overall sexual relationship as  follows:

• 12% had no sex in the last year.
• 21% have sex several times a year.
• 34%  have sex once or twice a month.
• 26% have sex once or twice a week.
• 7% have sex 4 or 5 times a week.

Whereas many people think sex once or twice a week is average for most couples, that's really a minority, one out of four couples (26%).  Only 7% are really burning up the sheets. The vast majority of people (67%) are having sex once or twice a month or less. Given these statistics, by any scientific standard it is prudent to say normal people have sexual desire problems. Arguably, you are abnormal if you don't!

When there is a low sexual desire problem, a number of issues, which I listed above, should be checked out and when unresolved conflict about other issues in the marriage is the problem, marriage counseling should probably be sought.  It is said that while the sexual relationship accounts for only about 10-20 percent of marital happiness, that percent remains very important for most couples, because a good sexual relationship makes you feel close emotionally.  Actually, sex produces "feel good" chemicals such as endorphins and oxitocyn (the bonding hormone).  The sexual connection is not the only route to intimacy, but remains important nevertheless.

Most people believe that love automatically creates sexual desire in healthy people.  At first glance, this makes a lot of sense.  But once you buy into the belief that sexual desire comes "naturally," you're in for a load of eventual problems.  You'll feel pressured to create something that just isn't there.  You'll get defensive and despondent when problems surface in your sex life. You (especially if you are male), begin to feel defective and ashamed and withdraw from your partner even more. While women are more likely to have low desire, we now know there are more men with low sexual desire than has been assumed. And then when your spouse starts criticizing that you are too sex driven or sex depriving, it only makes matters worse.

David Schnarch writes that "there's always a low desire spouse and there's always a high desire spouse--and there's one of each in most marriages."  The most freeing point of this view is that neither the high desire position or the low desire position is right or wrong.  There are simply differences.

So what to do? I will try to answer that question in my next blog entry, but basically it comes down to this: spouses having gentle conversations about their own sexual needs and anxieties without criticizing one another and finding a way to bridge the differences of their sexual desires so that sexual intimacy is not lost altogether.

Unnecessary Divorce

It is a pretty good sign-of-the-times when the NY Times Modern Love series features Children-of-Divorce two weeks in a row. It seems there is a growing number of children of divorce who are tying hard to avoid making the same mistakes of their parents.  Many of today's Modern Lovers have walked out of the ashes of their parents' marriages and don't want to repeat it with their own children.  The title of the essay in NY Times, August 24, is We Pledge Allegiance.  (see http://tinyurl.com/mbmig88  )

The author of the essay, Debbie Greene, writes: "As a child of divorce, I have tried over the years to figure out the secret to a lasting marriage.  In college, I started dating a boy named Josh.  We were both children of divorce, and although marriage and a family seemed 1,000 years away, we did agree on one thing:  We would never mess up our children with divorce.  It wasn't easy, but now their children are grown and they feel grateful about the promise they made to one another, not only because of the children but also how they have grown over the years through the good times and the "precipice" bad.

As we know, we do live in a divorce culture.  The divorce rate has fallen a bit, but it is still up near 50%--and even higher for 2nd marriages.  When divorce leaves the realm of "it couldn't possibly happen to us" and creeps into the domain of "maybe that's what I will have to do," the idea often gains a tragic momentum of its own.  Unfortunately, if you have reached this point the pain and fear you feel may be enough to blur your perception of reality and your judgment about the best course of action for you and your marriage.  Some couples don't take the warning signs seriously until it feels too late and in some cases IS too late.

Surveys in the United Sates and Australia have shown that 40 percent or more of divorced people regret their divorce and that the great majority of divorced people believe that one or the other of them could have worked much harder to save the marriage.

William Doherty (Take Back your Marriage), believes there are hard reasons and soft reason for divorce. The hard reasons include emotional and physical abuse, ongoing infidelities, and untreated addictions.  The soft reasons include ongoing misattunements which lead to blaming attacks, defensiveness and emotional distancing.  The soft reasons can be repaired if both spouses take responsibility for their part of their repetitive cycle.  With the unexpected changes, challenges and stresses of life (children, economy, illnesses, etc), unmet emotional needs and misattunements are inevitable in marriages, as in any relationship. What matters is that couples acknowledge those misattunements in a nonjudgmental manner and then learn to repair those misattunements and not allow them to fester.

In unnecessary divorces, I believe that both spouses should carry the responsibility for leadership.  Leadership is not just fighting for your own needs, but also fighting for the marriage--for the "us".  In the best marriages, both people are leaders.  In other words, each spouse takes personal responsibility for accepting his/her role and finding a way back from the precipice before it is too late and the emotional bond becomes irreparable.

Debbie Greene writes at the end of her Times essay:  ....my more mature self realizes that after 23 years of marriage, the key for our relationship to grow and thrive is taking responsibility and finding a soft place to land between the rules we make and the reality we live.

How Love Fails (Part II)... and how love lasts.....

Following up on my last blog entry in July:  Research confirms that the erosion of a couple's love bond begins with absence of emotional support.  Unsupportive behavior such as minimizing the scope of the problem, discouraging the expression of feelings, offering offhand or unhelpful advice, insisting that their partner follow recommendations--was especially predictive of relationship distress.

The second stage is the escalation of conflict, especially negative patterns, such as harsh criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal.  This becomes a cycle in the relationship which actively destroys any sense of emotional safety partners have with each other.

Sue Johnson (Love Sense) describes a couple's first session with a marriage counselor:  George yells at Barbara. "I am a damned psychologist.  I am supposed to understand this stuff, and I can't believe how angry I am.  In my head, I rage at you as I am driving to work.  I hear the sarcasm in my voice and sometimes I wonder who I am turning into.  I watch every minute for you to blame me for everything and turn away from me.  The more I push you to be with me, the more untouchable you become.  I am married to the Ice Queen herself.  You don't care about anyone but yourself.  I want a wife, not a business partner."

Barbara crossed her long legs slowly, tilts her head, and calmly replied. "Then it would be good to try being polite and treat me like a wife.  I do not see the point in all this shouting. And so you are right; I often prefer to leave and be elsewhere."

Lost in a dance they do not understand, their dance takes on a life of its own.  George does not see how his anger makes Barbara fear that she is being rejected, and she does not hear the frantic call for connection underlying his irascibility.  If they can't find a way to step out of their repetitive cycle and risk reaching for each other in another way, their bond cannot be repaired, and the end state--disillusionment, despair, and detachment--will set in.

How love lasts:  Let me be clear, a love relationship is never static; it ebbs and flows.  If we want love to last, we have to grasp this fact and get used to paying attention to and readjusting our level of emotional engagement.  What matters is if we can repair tiny moments of misattunement and come back into harmony.  Bonding--being there for each other and feeling supported by your partner-- is an eternal process of renewal.  Relationship stability depends not on healing huge rifts but on mending the constant small tears.  Without the mending of disconnections as we go along, then couples will most likely fall into the criticism-defend-withdrawal cycle that I have described above.

The mending of those disconnections is one of my primary goals when I work with couples in my office. The other goal, just as important, is to help a couple build a stronger, more durable emotional union.  It can be done, if a couple hasn't waited too long and both partners take responsibility for what needs to change for the mending to happen.

I also suggest my blog entry on Poisonous Criticism.  While you are on my blog, just scroll down to the month of March..... Click and you will see it.

How Love Fails

How--not why--but how does love fail?  Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense, maintains that theories that focus on bad behavior in conflicts alone and lack of communication skills may not always be enough.  Sometimes communication issues are symptoms of something else more important:  the overwhelming fear of being emotionally alone or abandoned.

I am inclined to agree. As I see it, it is not negativity per se that undermines partners' love for each other. Fights can be tolerated, provided there is support and affection in a relationship.  Decreases in positive connection create "disillusionment" and precipitate distress which leads to criticism and/or withdrawal.

The absence of positive, intimate, supportive exchanges has been compared to a virus that takes down the body relational.

Conflict (persistent arguing) is the inflammation that results from this virus.  In a prolonged troubled love relationship, problem solving and practical assistance alone may not be curative.

The potential for unresolved conflict increases as partners are filled with unruly emotions that they do not understand, and find themselves out of sync with each other.  Angry protests at the loss of physical and emotional connection escalate. A slow unwinding of the tie begins.  Lack of comfort and closeness feeds distrust and disagreement, and each failed attempt at a reconnection and repair breeds more distance. So what happens?  Couples build walls when they need bridges.  And that is how love fails.

To shape love and keep it alive, we have to be open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. When emotional starvation becomes the norm, and negative patterns of outraged criticism and obstinate defensiveness and withdrawal take over, our perspective changes. 

Our lover slowly begins to feel like an enemy.  Our most familiar friend turns into a stranger.  Trust begins to wither and die.  And that is how love fails.

When this happens, can the love connection be restored? Yes.  I have seen it happen in my office many times, especially when couples seek help sooner rather than later.  But it takes time, commitment, and a willingness of both partners to understand and attend to the emotional needs behind every distancing conflict in the relationship.

The bottom line is this:  the way we perceive our partners and the meaning we attribute to his or her actions depends on our sense of emotional connection. 

------ If you are interested in watching a 23 minute lecture about this subject by the master herself, Sue Johnson, go to:   http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14364/how-to-make-love-last-in-the-age-of-instant-gratification-dr-sue-johnson.html  

The Key to Love: An Experiment

All the research in recent years confirms that the key to love in successful marriages is the depth of attachment--feeling safe with your partner and feeling known. All human beings are wired for attachment from birth through adulthood  Another word for attachment is bonding. Sue Johnson writes: The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression. It is to seek contact and comforting connection. This is true from birth through adulthood.

So, when we fall in love and marry, what we are actually seeking is a bonding with someone we believe we can trust to be there for us, emotionally and physically.  When that attachment need fails, couples often react in negative hurtful ways, which of course, only intensifies the growing disconnection.  Couples may react angrily when they feel the disconnection is deepening, but underneath that anger is fear of not being loved or appreciated and longing for reassurance, which is very difficult for most couples to talk about.  If they could talk about it in an open non-accusatory manner, they might be able to understand each other's needs and respond empathically. (empathic: responding with understanding, compassion, comprehension, respect).

So in spite of the personality differences all couples have, how can couples sustain that initial connection they felt so strongly when they fell in love and decided to marry?  Well, a book could be written addressing that question and of course many books have indeed been written.  Sue Johnson's Love Sense, is one that I especially like.

So, drawing from Johnson's theory, let me suggest an experiment for you which highlights one of the many ways couples can sustain and strengthen the bonding they long for.

All bonding begins in infancy when a child feels loved and safe with his/her parents.  The difference with adult bonds is that they are more reciprocal than parent-child bonds. So try this:  think of one thing your partner does that makes you feel precious and loved.

How do you reciprocate--that is, what do you do to make him or her feel that same way?

Think about this:  Do you know specifically what makes your partner feel precious and loved?

If not, can you ask?  And then, can you have a respecful conversation about your respective needs?  

Happily Married Couples

The work I do with couples is mostly drawn from the scientific research of John Gottman(Gottman Method) and Sue Johnson (Emotional Focused Therapy) which highlight the importance of healthy communication and emotional connection(bonding) for strong, successful relationships. Based on this research, this is what we know about  happily married couples:

1. Happily married couples behave like good friends.  In other words, their relationships are characterized by respect, affection and empathy.  They pay close attention to what's happening in each other's life and they feel emotionally connected.  John Gottman (What Makes Love Last), made an interesting discovery: spouses in happy, stable marriages made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict.  In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one (0.8) positive remark for every single negative remark.  I believe both spouses in most marriages are good persons who have positive core values.  Don't lose sight of that.  Just because your spouse may not see a situation the same way as you, doesn't make her/him wrong or bad.

2.  Happily married couples handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways.  They recognize that conflict is inevitable in any marriage, and that some problems never get solved, never go away.  But these couples don't get gridlocked in their separate positions.  Instead, they keep talking with each other about their conflicts.  In other words, they listen respectfully to their spouse's perspectives without being dismissive, judgmental, blaming or critical and they find compromises that work for both sides.

3. Happily married couples turn toward each other.  Close relationships consist of a series of "emotional bids"--that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile or a hug.  You can choose to:
          a. turn away, ignoring the bid
          b. turn against, reacting with anger or hostility ( "Can't you see I'm busy!)
          c. turn toward, showing you're open, listening and engaged

Research shows that habitually turning away from or turning against your partner's bids, harms your marriage.  But consistently turning toward your partner strengthens emotional bonds, friendship and romance.  It means "being there" for each other.  It is the fundamental unit of emotional connection, which we now know is the first and foremost instinct of all humans.  When that connection is missing, any marriage will begin to fail and unless help is sought to help heal and strengthen the emotional bond, most marriages will end in divorce or remain painfully empty of love.

What Is Marriage For?

What is marriage for? The traditional answer is for procreation and the continuation of the species.  Marriage can also offer a stable supportive environment for children and helps provide a stabilizing foundation for society.  All true.   However, recent research supports another compelling reason for marriage: emotional connection (duh!).

Emotional connection is a basic human need.  The opposite of connection--emotional isolation--is in fact the most traumatic force for all human beings.  There are many levels/kinds of connection: friends, relatives, children, associates, religious faith...all of which are important in helping to meet the human need for attachment.  But based on recent neuroscience research, the most powerful level of connection--the need to be close and connected, to be known, to feel loved--can be through committed marital relationships.  Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight writes that "in fact the issues that most couples struggle with are not the real issues. They are in fact only symptoms of a weakening emotional connection."

Interestingly, recent research in the field of social neuroscience has highlighted how the lack of emotional connection affects our nervous system.  In one study, measured by an MRI,  it was observed that when threatened with a mildly painful electric shock to the ankles, married women in healthy marriages had decreased brain response to the threat when holding their husband's hand versus a stranger's or no hand at all.  In other words, when they held no one's hand or the hand of a stranger, the electric shock was registered as painful, but not so, when her beloved husband held her hand.  But when the same electrical experiment was later applied to women in distressed marriages, these women reacted just as the women in the original study did when they were holding the hand of a stranger or no hand! (I assume the same would be true of men.)

In another study, women in cohabiting relationships also experienced a more painful response to the electrical shock than married women. I find that quite surprising, actually.

So compared to all others, with the presence of a mate with whom they felt more securely bonded, the women were not just able to cope differently with the pain, they registered even the threat of being shocked differently.

What couples (and therapists) often do not see is that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection.

As Sue Johnson writes: Underneath all of the distress, partners are really asking each other: "Can I count of you?  Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you?"  The anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection, which is what marriage is for! Marriage will not keep us safe from the sorrows and pain of life and no marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges.  Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone. And the shock of disconnection will continue, until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.

Conscious Uncoupling

You may have read or heard about the actress Gwyneth Paltrow's recent announcement about her "conscious uncoupling" with her husband. It's usually called divorce of course, but Paltrow decided to give it a more positive spin based on a program called "conscious uncoupling."  This program is designed to "release the trauma of a breakup, reclaim your power and reinvent your life." Now doesn't that sound better?  But is it?  What do you think? Here is a response from Michelle Weiner-Davis, the well known marriage counselor and author of Divorce Busting:

Give me a break.  I know some marriages will end in divorce and that said, they should be as collaborative as possible, especially when children are involved. But how many couples do you know who have "good divorces?"  Even those with the best of intentions often find themselves struggling as time passes.

Divorce is not an easy process, no matter how you slice it.

Plus, here's the biggest fallacy of all.  Most of the divorces that happen in our country are based on unilateral decisions--one person wants it and the other desperately does not.  It's hard to imagine a heartbroken person being a willing participant in a consciousness building program that both honors the marriage and destroys it at the same time.

Impossible.

Furthermore, even if people participate in a program that offers them insight about their marriage and years past, how exactly does that benefit children who will end up being shuffled around from one enlightened home to another?   Not at all....

Research indicates that even when parents do better as a result of divorce, there doesn't seem to be a trickle down effect for children as one would hope.  Except in extremely dysfunctional marriages (where there is violence, chronic infidelity and substance abuse), research also tells us that kids do better when their parents work out their differences and stay together.

The developer of the program "Conscious Uncoupling" suggests that marriage should be about personal growth, and when that no longer happens, the couples' work together is done.

Hello? What planet am I from?   Marriage isn't about personal growth, although you will hopefully learn and grow while you're in it.  It's about a lot of things.  One of the primary things marriage is about is learning RELATIONSHIP SKILLS, how to have a loving, harmonious, lasting marriage.

You can evolve personally on a mountainside, alone.  But to be in a marriage, you have to learn how to share, give, love and collaborate.

Oh yes, and one final thing......Here's a quote from Gwyneth Paltrow as she announced her decision to divorce:

"We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been."

No, Gwyneth, you will not always be a family.  Divorce ends marriages and dissolves families.  And if you're closer than you've ever been, for God's sake, why not get some good help and make your marriage work and keep your sweet family together?

Just a thought.   

( So what do you think now about "conscious uncoupling?" I think I am more in favor of " real conscious coupling" first...then maybe, if that doesn't work, conscious "uncoupling." But it's still divorce.)
Jim Covington

Poisonous Criticism

"There is no such thing as constructive criticism," says John Gottman.  "All criticism is painful." I agree. We never like to hear that there is something "wrong" with us, or that something needs changing, especially if this message is coming from the loved one we most depend on.

The latest research which measures the impact of critical, hostile comments made by loved ones shows just how venomous disparagement by those we rely on can be.  This censure may even trigger relapse of mental illness and most often depression.  One brain research scientist calls criticism from a loved one "low-grade punches to the brain."

Criticism sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected for not being good enough and/or abandoned. It makes sense that such scorn makes it infinitely harder to hold on to our mental equilibrium and emotional balance.  I have often noticed that partners usually have no clue as to the real impact of their negative judgments.

A client once said: "But mature adults should be able to deal with criticism.  It's really just feedback or the need to stand up for myself." to which I answer: "But this is YOU giving feedback that he is disappointing you and you are your partner's main source of safe connection. He no longer feels safe in his most important relationship. That' s why he attacks back or sometimes withdraws."

Sue Johnson in her recent book, Love Sense, writes about what she terms "poisonous criticism": Criticism virtually guarantees that our partner will be caught up in fear and unable to hear our message and will become defensive and try to withdraw.  

So how should a couple address their issues?  John Gottman writes about softened start-up vs. harsh start up.  For a conflict discussion to succeed you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and then convert any complaint about your partner into a positive need.  Instead of saying for example: Stop sulking! say, I wish you would tell me why you seem so distant. You seem sad.  Are you ok? Or instead of blaming and withdrawing and saying: You're so unloving, you're into your own world all the time! say: Honey, I'm missing you, I think I just need to be with you and maybe cuddle a little bit.  In other words, speak from you own needs and emotions in a non blaming and unapologetic tone that will invite a better chance for dialogue, sharing and a more positive response.

The All or Nothing Marriage

Interestingly this past Sunday, the New York Times Sunday Review had another lead article on marriage: The All or Nothing Marriage. I am personally uncomfortable with the title because, well, if you can't have it all, forget about it!  It's an attitude which epitomizes our "consumer culture" which has infiltrated the institution of marriage itself: Hey, if things are not exactly what you expected in marriage, move on, move out, have an affair, get divorced, find someone else. Nevertheless there were some poignant, unsettling and challenging comments made about the present state of modern marriage that I am passing on to you, such as:

......The average marriage today is weaker than the average marriage of yore, in terms of both satisfaction and divorce rate, but the best marriages today are much stronger, in terms of both satisfaction and personal well-being, than the best marriages of yore.

......Our (the author's) central claim is that Americans today have elevated their expectations of marriage and can in fact achieve an unprecedentedly high level of marital quality--but only if they are able to invest a great deal of time and energy in their partnership.  If they are not able to do so, their marriage will likely fall short of these new expectations.  Indeed, it will fall further short of people's expectations than at any time in the past.

.....Since around 1965, we have been living in the era of self-expressive marriage.  Americans now look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth..

.....Though satisfying higher-level needs yields greater happiness, serenity and depth of inner life, people must invest substantially more time and energy in the quality of their relationship when seeking to meet those higher-level needs...

.....But on average Americans are investing less in their marriages--to the detriment of those relationships.

.....One of the most disturbing facts about American marriage today is that while divorce increased at similar rates for the wealthy and the poor in the 1960s and 70s, those rates diverged sharply starting around 1980. (The divorce rates have climbed much higher among the poor and less educated, due to unemployment and juggling jobs because of low salaries.)

What can be done?  First and foremost, couples can choose to invest more time and energy in their marriage, perhaps by altering how they use whatever shared leisure time is available. But if couples lack the time and energy, they might consider adjusting their expectations, perhaps by focusing on cultivating an affectionate bond without trying to facilitate each other's self-actualization.

I very much agree with that last statement (which I underlined). It is the lack of affectionate bond that I find increasingly common among couples who come into my office.  My goal, of course, is to help couples find ways to be there for each other in a more meaningful and consistent way.  And if you want to read more about that "affectionate bond" and how it is lost or well as how it can be sustained, I strongly urge you to read Sue Johnson's (with whom I have trained) latest book:  Love Sense.  Order it now!

If you are interested in reading the entire NY Times article go to :
   
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=1

LOVE ILLUMINATED

As Valentine's Day approaches, the New York Times, Sunday February 9th Book Review magazine focused on books about love and marriage.  My favortie is a review of Love Illuminated by Daniel Jones, who has edited the Modern Love feature since 2004. Another favorite book is Love Sense, which I will write about in a separate blog entry.

Love Illuminated presents itself as a report on the most happening, most now kind of "love," yet at heart supports a life philosophy as conventional as Cosmoploitan Magazine. Because what the book is really about is what everything from "Sex and the City" to "Fifty Shades of Grey" is really about:  marriage.  For all of its celebration of the "modern," the off-kilter and the nontraditional, the pounding pulse of Love Illuminated is the poignant quest for a legal and permanent union.

Daniel Jones also writes about his own marriage to Cathi Hanauer. Interestingly, we were promised an exploration of life's most mystifying subject, but instead what we keep coming back to is a study of life's least mystifying subject: how it might come to pass that two like-minded graduate students in the same creative writing program might fall in love, get married, learn that marriage is not composed of an unfolding series of every-heightened erotic pleasures, and yet still manage, year after year, to keep their leaky but serviceable vessel out of dry dock.

Cathi and Daniel's library includes stacks of books on marriage with titles like "Should I Stay or Go?" But in the end, their dedication to their partnership has kept it going, produced children, created a shared history and an extended family, shelter from the storm--the whole shebang.  And this, we gather is what eager readers of Love Illuminated are really after, too: not so much the bright spark of passion, but rather the banked fires of mutual commitment and shared checking accounts.

Love Illuminated suggests that marriage is possible for everyone.  You just have to keep trying and -let's face it--think about lowering your standards: "Be realistic about who might love you" is the sobering, if time honored recommendation of one section of the book. Of course, lowering your standards does not mean one should just live with infidelities, abuse or addictions. In my book, unless there is acknowledgement, admission, apology and quest for help, those are deal breakers.

"Otherwise," writes Caitlin Flanagan, the author of the review,  "have your fun along the way, but remember it comes at a cost....and yet, even in this rotten modern world--famously short on certitude, peace or even a non-maddening chore rotation--it is still possible for two people to be true to each other."  And love each other.  

How to Overcome Disrespectful Judgments

To follow up on my last blog entry, The Problem of Anger in Relationships, I want to write about ways to overcome disrespectful judgments.  As I stated in the last entry, anger is often expressed in judgmental tones, which will only lead to more intense negativity and defensiveness in your relationship.

Ask your spouse or partner the following questions.  If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments.

            1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
            2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?
            3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
            4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
            5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
            6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?

All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse.  You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.

What's the answer, then?  The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect.  Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of you spouse even though you may not agree with it.  If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.

The Problem of Anger in Relationships

Many people argue that anger is a normative and often healthy emotion, that it motivates us to stick up for our rights, values, boundaries, and helps protect us in dangerous situations. This may be true but there is a very corrosive aspect to anger in close relationships that often overshadows any possible benefits.

In relationships, feeling angry often means having increased negative emotional arousal. This in turn churns out judgments.  Judgments then increase arousal, which produces more judgments, which leads to inaccurate and ineffective expression of emotions and desires, which then result in misunderstanding and conflict.  Judgments identify things or people or their actions as right or wrong.  One problem with making judgments is that logic tells us that things that are wrong must be stopped.  But typically the things we judge are simply things we don't like.  We want them to stop or be different but they are not necessarily wrong.

So what's the alternative?  Description has the power to defuse this destructive cycle of judgments, negative arousal, misunderstanding and conflict.  When you notice a judgment rising up in your brain or notice anger, try to describe the situation and your reaction without judging. If we can describe the situation and describe our primary emotional reactions, emotions can be soothed and it will be easier for your partner to hear you and understand why are are feeling disappointed. Your emotional reality is probably different from your partner's and so your partner may not always understand why you are hurt.  If you only express your emtional needs with an angry tone, your partner will only see(feel) your anger, feel that you are judging him/her and will either attack back defensively or withdraw.

For example, when Oscar comes home late, sometimes Joan starts feeling lonely or taken for granted. As the feeling becomes stronger, she begins to feel angry.  She starts thinking "Oscar is so inconsiderate.  He never considers or asks what I want or how I'm feeling. He is so inconsiderate!"   If she expresses that message to Oscar in that tone, when he returns home, he will probably either start a defensive argument with her or turn on the TV to escape.

However, if she described her experience, she would notice the anger getting stronger and judgmental and know that expressing it as such will just make things worse. So she might say, "You know hon, sometimes when you come home late, I really start missing you and I actually start feeling angry.  I don't know.  I guess I just need more time with you. I miss you. We are both so busy with our work and the kids.  You know what I mean?"  Chances are, Oscar will be more receptive and empathic toward Joan's feelings which might lead to a more open, intimate conversation.

One benefit of the strength of anger is that it is easy to notice and noticing anger can become a signal or alarm that we are going down a destructive path.  We can learn to notice this alarm and can respond by first, reorienting our attention to look for judgments, second, letting judgments go and not giving them power, and third, turning our attention to description instead--describing your emotions, thoughts and wants.. 

Describing is one of the most effective ways to get a more balanced place, to interrupt rising reactivity and to keep yourself from acting in ways that make things worse.  Remember this: no one can survive a marriage (at least not happily), if they feel more judged than admired.