Contempt Stands Alone for Marital Unhappiness

There are two things that people do that sink relationships. One kind is obvious.  It involves being selfish, ignoring the needs of others, bold-face lying, cheating and manipulating.  The other thing has to do with a certain way that people react when they feel their partners are being selfish, or inconsiderate, or having a different opinion, or having to have their own way.  They react by criticizing, judging, and thinking of themselves as somehow better than their partners. They express contempt toward their partners.  For example, they think they‘re right and their partners are wrong expressed as:  I should have known  that you’d screw up again.  Why do I even bother with you? You’re such a jerk! They think they are more emotionally mature.  They think they are better at being in relationships.  Research studies indicate that, of these two things that sink relationships, the second is clearly more toxic than the first and is most likely to lead to divorce.

By the time some couples enter my office for counseling, the major issue I have to address with them first is their contemptuous attitude:  how they demonize one another and how each feels judged by the other.  Contempt is often a natural response to feeling threatened which will need to be explored and brought to awareness. But the demonization must stop; otherwise the combativeness will only get worse.  As I mentioned above, dishonesty, cheating and self-centeredness can be destructive in relationships. However, marital studies suggest that contempt, expressed as self-righteousness, judgmentalism and superiority can be even more destructive. In fact, negative attitudes in marriages are often more destructive than actions.  Marital studies suggest that the tendency to see oneself as better than one’s partner is the greatest destructive force in relationships, even more so than lying, cheating and selfishness. 

Unfortunately, contempt is not only excused in our society, it is encouraged.  We witness it being expressed everyday in the news media, particularly by our elected politicians. The speeches of our country’s leaders are frequently loaded with sneering, disgust and a sense of superiority and they talk about how much better they are than their rivals.  Research on the cultural toxic effects of contempt raises questions about this socially acceptable rhetoric, which only leads to demonization of political rivals both in our own country and internationally. I believe contemptuous rhetoric often leads to war actions.  But that is another story or another blog!  My concern here is how the socially accepted expression of contempt influences how we relate to one another in our personal relationships and how it leads to more emotional strife, disconnection, loneliness and ultimately divorce.

My job as a marriage counselor is to make couples aware of the toxic aspects of contempt and teach them how to express their needs and disappointments to one another without a tone of condemnation and how to stand up for oneself without putting your partner down.   Done right, relationships can be transformed.  I address this in my June, 2012 blog entries (Happy Couples and Good Habits for Good Marriages; check the column to the right).

CAN LOVE LAST?

Can love last? Married love, that is, including romantic love?  Research has suggested that love inevitably fades after about 15 months, maybe less.  After all, if love is a fever, then it has to die down eventually--right?

A book has been written by the same title, Can Love Last? by Steven Mitchell.  I don't agree with all of his views, but I do agree with his take on the role of will in love.  He agrees with the poets and songwriters that chemistry is real; you can't make yourself love anyone.  On the other hand, you can't sustain love without making a conscious commitment to do it.

In recent years, we have learned so much more about the bonds of love through the microscope of science and systematic reasoned exploration.  Hundreds of studies tell us, for example, that love is an exquisitely logical survival code and that the ability to reach out, clearly state your emotional needs and respond to your lover's emotional need for comfort, reassurance, intimacy and connection, are the key ingredients in love.  In fact, we are all wired for love, from infancy on. 

But we make mistakes because we don't undersgtand our needs; we don't have a map of the territory.  We so often send distorted messages, offer advice or problem solving when our partner only needs our emotional presence.  Or we try to hide our emotions when science tells us that our loved one has picked them up from our facial expression almost before our own brain has decided to try and hide them.

But once we know the territory, once we understand the bonds of love, then we can actively, consciously shape these bonds in a way that is new and lasting for human lovers.  What are the bonds of love?  Trust, faithfulness, emotional support, learning to live with differences,  empathy, presence and commitment to meeting each other's needs:  Are you there for me?  Do you see me? (I loved this phrase in the move Avatar: I see you.) Learning to see each other is a "work" that never ends.

In its infatuation stage, romantic love hardly requires any work or effort.  The wish to turn this stage into a lasting romantic relationship is a challenge entailing the investment of blood, sweat, and tears, which doesn't sound romantic at all, of course.  But, hey, all or mostt things worthwhile require work and attention.  Bottom line: love is more than a feeling; it is also an act. In fact, the work of love can in many circumstances enhance the feeling of love.

What is the work? Learning to be present, remain connected and listen without the loss of one's own self. It's learning the alternatives to blaming, criticizing, distancing and dismissing.  It takes effort, but the reality remains: We invest more effort in something which is significant for us; at the same time it is also true that something we invest more effort in becomes more significant.

So finding the right person is not the end of the story.  It is the beginning of a long (preferable enjoyable, meaningful, at times romantic) journey, that is not always easy, sometimes impossible, but doable most of the time.  Sometimes it will require personal sacrifice and effort.  In other words, marriage is a very human experience.

I close with a quote from C.S. Lewis which best expresses what I am trying to share:

If the old fairy-tale ending 'they lived happily ever after' is taken to mean 'they felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married', then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true and would be highly undesirable if it were.  Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?  What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love.  Love in this second sense--love as distinct from "being in love"--is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit.  They can have this love for eah other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself, even when you do not like yourself.  They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else.

'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.  It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.             Jim Covington