Contempt Stands Alone for Marital Unhappiness

There are two things that people do that sink relationships. One kind is obvious.  It involves being selfish, ignoring the needs of others, bold-face lying, cheating and manipulating.  The other thing has to do with a certain way that people react when they feel their partners are being selfish, or inconsiderate, or having a different opinion, or having to have their own way.  They react by criticizing, judging, and thinking of themselves as somehow better than their partners. They express contempt toward their partners.  For example, they think they‘re right and their partners are wrong expressed as:  I should have known  that you’d screw up again.  Why do I even bother with you? You’re such a jerk! They think they are more emotionally mature.  They think they are better at being in relationships.  Research studies indicate that, of these two things that sink relationships, the second is clearly more toxic than the first and is most likely to lead to divorce.

By the time some couples enter my office for counseling, the major issue I have to address with them first is their contemptuous attitude:  how they demonize one another and how each feels judged by the other.  Contempt is often a natural response to feeling threatened which will need to be explored and brought to awareness. But the demonization must stop; otherwise the combativeness will only get worse.  As I mentioned above, dishonesty, cheating and self-centeredness can be destructive in relationships. However, marital studies suggest that contempt, expressed as self-righteousness, judgmentalism and superiority can be even more destructive. In fact, negative attitudes in marriages are often more destructive than actions.  Marital studies suggest that the tendency to see oneself as better than one’s partner is the greatest destructive force in relationships, even more so than lying, cheating and selfishness. 

Unfortunately, contempt is not only excused in our society, it is encouraged.  We witness it being expressed everyday in the news media, particularly by our elected politicians. The speeches of our country’s leaders are frequently loaded with sneering, disgust and a sense of superiority and they talk about how much better they are than their rivals.  Research on the cultural toxic effects of contempt raises questions about this socially acceptable rhetoric, which only leads to demonization of political rivals both in our own country and internationally. I believe contemptuous rhetoric often leads to war actions.  But that is another story or another blog!  My concern here is how the socially accepted expression of contempt influences how we relate to one another in our personal relationships and how it leads to more emotional strife, disconnection, loneliness and ultimately divorce.

My job as a marriage counselor is to make couples aware of the toxic aspects of contempt and teach them how to express their needs and disappointments to one another without a tone of condemnation and how to stand up for oneself without putting your partner down.   Done right, relationships can be transformed.  I address this in my June, 2012 blog entries (Happy Couples and Good Habits for Good Marriages; check the column to the right).