Become the Love Partner YOU Most Want To See!

First, I acknowledge that the theme of this post does not apply to every relationship especially when abuse, infidelity and addictions are involved and perhaps it is too late in some instances. But in most situations, I believe what I am writing about in this post is quite applicable, and perhaps primary for strong marriages.

 Steven Stosny in his book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle: To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to see.

Hmmmm....interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work?  When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.

Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner and both are bad:

1.  You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and living person I truly am until you do what I want."  (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassion, or loving or supportive, etc.)

2.  Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be.

In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve!

So, according to Stosny, our best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you.  Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate and supportive or resentful, demanding and critical.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relationship that are distressful to you.  Not at all!  It's the tone of how you bring them up that matters: compassionately (softly, giving benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.

But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to see.  To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change your want to see.

So resist the urge to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program,"  The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your relationship, knowing how YOU can be there for your mate than what your spouse does for it.  (Hmmmmm....I can hear you thinking "Are you sure about that Jim?"  I hear a lot of "yes, buts!" and maybe some of them are understandable).  But.......

........Consider the love you feel for your children.  Is it because of everything they do for you?  Is it because they're such angels?  Of course not.  The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO for THEM.  The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.

So, bottom line, as Mahatma Gandhi said: You must be the change you wish to see. It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change. Think about it.

HOW DOES LOVE WORK?

When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause, as we are prone to believe.  According to recent research, it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.  Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it.  The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions.  The conflicts come later.  According to the research of John Gottman, couples who have an intimate responsive connection, are able to repair inevitable conflict.  Without that love connection, conflicts will intensify, remain unresolved and emotional distancing will begin to undermine the relationship bond. How does that love connection work?

To shape this love connection, we have to be present, open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. A secure bond is achieved through mutual accessibility and responsiveness.  Most of the couples who sit in my office feel they are losing that connection. In my work with couples, I do help them understand how their actions or ways of addressing each other contribute to their troubled relationship, but my main goal is to ultimately help couples strengthen their bond.

Making love work is also accepting that, even when it's good, it is always a work in progress.  Just when you get it right, one of you changes!  Ursula Le Guin, the novelist, reminds us that love "does not sit there like a stone.  It has to be made like bread, remade all the time, made new."

So how does love work?  Dr. Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight about what she has learned from her work with couples about how love works:

• Our need for others to come close when we call--to offer us safe haven--is absolute. When that kind of bond is created, love works.
• Emotion tells us exactly what we need, if we can listen to it and use it as a guide to express what we need from each other, not as an excuse for blaming or criticizing.
• There is no perfect performance in love or sex.  Obsession with performance is a dead end.  It is emotional presence that matters.
• In relationships, there is no simple cause and effect, no straight lines, only circles that partners create together.  We pull each other into loops and spirals of connection and disconnection.
• We all hit the panic button at times.  We lose our balance and slip into anxious controlling or blaming and avoiding modes. The secret is to not stay in these positions.  It's too hard for your lover to meet you there.
• Neglect will kill love.  Love needs attention.  Knowing your attachment needs and responding to those of your lover can make a bond last until "death us do part." The secret is knowing how to express attachment needs and responding to each other without attacking or withdrawing.
• Emotional balance, calm, and vibrant joy are the rewards of love.  Sentimental infatuation is the booby prize.

Knowing all this, I still have to relearn these lessons every time I lose connection with my loved one.  I still have to face that nanosecond of choice: to blame.....to try and grab control.....to dismiss....to get revenge....to shut down....or to breath deep and tune in to my own and my loved one's emotions....to risk..... to reach..... to confide.... to hold.  And that is how love works.