John Gottman writes about four types of communication that are most detrimental to
marital or committed relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and
stonewalling.. Of the four, he names
contempt as the most toxic and predictor of divorce. Based on my own
observations, I agree with him.
Contempt expresses the feeling of
dislike toward somebody, and implies that the other person is considered
worthless and undeserving of respect. Contempt projects superiority, conveyed
through insults, name-calling, tone of voice, as well as facial expressions.
Contempt eats away at a relationship rapidly and painfully. Conflict escalates
and prevents meaningful communication. What separates contempt from
criticism? The intention to insult and
psychologically abuse your partner.
Ways
to show one’s contempt
1. Insults and name-calling are the most conspicuous and crude—you’re
ugly, a jerk, a wimp, loser, etc.
2. Mockery is a subtle put-down, where the spouse’s words or actions are
ridiculed to show he or she is not worthy of respect or trust. A man may tell
his wife, for example, “I really do care about you,” and she replies
sarcastically, “Oh sure, you really do care about
me.”
3. Body language, such as rolling one’s eyes or sneering, gives the
clearest clue that a couple is in trouble.
4. Tone of voice is probably the most powerful weapon of
contempt.
Responses
to contempt
What do you do if you have a partner who is harshly critical or
contemptuous toward you?
Don’t be drawn into contempt, criticism or
defensiveness. You can stand up for yourself, but without joining in the
sneering, ridiculing, and hostile negative judgments.
The best way to neutralize
your contempt is to stop seeing arguments with your spouse as a way to retaliate
or exhibit your superior moral stance.
Rather, your relationship will improve if you approach your spouse with
precise non-blaming complaints by
expressing feelings from your own inner experience (rather than attacking your
partner’s character). In other words, it’s not what you say, but how you say it
that makes all the difference.
