There has been a lot of writing recently in the media about pornography and sexual addiction and their affect on marital relationships. I have been hesitant to write about it in my blog, but I have decided it is important. Unfortunately, porn use is also becoming a more frequent problem in marriages, primarily because the Internet has greatly stimulated the rise in porn use. Pornography is an industry that generates more than 97 billion dollars a year worldwide. There are more than 500 million pages of porn on the Internet, most of it directed toward men. Most of the fantasies depicted in pornography involve the degradation and humiliation of women.
Alarmingly, youth under the age of 18 have become one of the largest groups of porn users. How will this affect the future of our youth's sexual intimacy in committed relationships? While some sexually explicit material may help with sexual desire, because of its addictive quality, I am now wondering if all porn should be banned on the Internet.
Pornography is all about impersonal, unromantic, unemotional, casual sex. It literally sexually objectifies people and often becomes an addiction.
Furthermore, even if the habitual and compulsive use of porn does not become an addiction, it can affect the inner life of the user and can have serious consequences for an ongoing relationship. Porn often serves as a ladder to actual infidelity. It goes like this: viewing photos, then videos, chatting online with someone with a compatible obsession(or perhaps a prostitute), fantasizing about meeting in real life and the giving yourself permission to cross boundaries to infidelity.
In addition, porn use may lead to a gradual decline in real sex with one's partner. It is reported that among 70% of couples in which there was cybersex addiction, one or both partners lost interest in relationship sex.
Two thirds of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that compulsive pornography use had played a significant role in well over 50% of the divorce cases. Most porn users feel they must hide this deep fascination from their partners. The secret itself creates distance and diminishes intimacy. Ultimately, porn addiction is an act of betrayal.
Apparently the activity of porn on the Internet induces a drug-like euphoria that involves "feel good" chemicals and neurochemical cascades such as adrenaline, endorphin, dopamine, and serotonin. The chemicals associated with arousal lead to cravings and preoccupation with pornographic images, and deprivation when they are missing.,
Patrick Carnes's book Out of the Shadows, is probably the most influential work on understanding and treating sexual addiction. In Carnes' view, the sexual-addiction cycle involves: (1) Preoccupation--addicts become hostages to their own preoccupation (2) Ritualization--the creation of routines that foster the addiction (3) Compulsive sexual behavior--involvement with the final sexual act and an inability to stop or control this behavior (4) Despair--feeling powerless and hopeless to be able to change. Carnes believes that the sexual addiction has replaced all meaningful relationships in the addict's life.
If porn is undermining your relationship, or you fear it might, there are things you can do. There are 12 step programs now available for porn-sex addiction, which like AA, help the addict to recover from the addiction. They can be very helpful and I highly recommend them. Also, individual psychotherapy can be quite helpful in helping the person explore the underlying issues of the problem. And finally and importantly, working with your partner in couples therapy can help you open up about personal issues in your life that can help restore trust and intimacy. Jim Covington
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