THE THREE-MINUTE RULE : My wife has a habit of suing for peace too quickly in disputes. This usually leaves me frustrated: “Wait, I have seven more points I want to make.” Not surprisingly, her instincts are right. John Gottman of the University of Washington has found that the most important points in any argument can be found in the opening minutes. After that, people repeat themselves at higher and higher decibels. Just as boxers fight for only three minutes per round, couples can do the same. Say your piece, then heed Mr. Ury’s advice: call for a five-minute break or take a short walk.
THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY: While hurrying through a fight may be good, steer clear of certain words, or at least one word. Pronouns are the canary in the coal mine of conflict. James Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas, has found that within couples, using first-person pronouns (“I” or “we”) is a sign of a healthy relationship. By contrast, using lots of second-person pronouns — “You always say that” or “You never do this” — is a mark of poor problem-solving. To stop fighting, stop saying “you.”
THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SAY : I’ve heard different opinions about forcing people to apologize, especially children. Some say it’s necessary; others think it’s just piling on. Sheila Heen, an author of “Difficult Conversations,” told me that in her household, she favors contrition. “Saying you’re sorry has two meanings,” she said. “One is to describe how you actually feel. The other is to take responsibility for the impact you’ve had on somebody else. I’m really more interested in the second meaning: accepting accountability for your choices even if you don’t genuinely feel apologetic.” Later, she said, when you’re less amped up, feeling sorry will come.
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