In the last few weeks I have worked with couples who are struggling with core differences that appear to be irresolvable. In one case the difference was a financial outlook: saving money vs. spending to enjoy more things. Another was a situation where one preferred privacy/independence vs. his partner's preference for having more conversational time together. John Gottman has found that irresolvable "perpetual" problems exist in even the healthiest of relationships due either to "lasting personality differences between partners" or "fundamental differences in lifestyle need."
In fact the overwhelming majority (69%) of couples experience perpetual problems--issues with no specific resolution. So what can a couple do?
What is important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems. The goal is to understand the historical basis of each partner's deeply held values and actions. If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes "gridlocked," and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement and divorce.
A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong. They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships. People who are less effective in their relationship don't realize this. When their priorities or preferences are different than their partners, they often believe that theirs' are right and their partners' are wrong. The reality is that most of the time neither partner's priorities or expectation are out of line.
According to research there are five basic differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other.*
Independence-First vs. Togetherness-First....One person feels calmed or stabilized more through operating by yourself. You need space, and you might feel frustrated if you don't get enough alone time. Or, your nervous system is stabilized more through togetherness; you prefer more interaction with your partner and other people.
Invest-In-the Future-First vs. Live-for-the-Moment-First....Some people just feel better when they work first and then play later. Other people feel better when they combine work and play.
Predictability-First vs. Spontaneity-First...Another difference in nervous system wiring that often underlies relationship gridlocks involves the level of predictability, planning or structure you need in order to function best. If you are calmed by predictability, you do best when you are able to organize your life so you know what to expect., If you are more naturally wired for spontaneity you will become restless or anxious if things become too routine.
Slow-to-Upset vs. Readily Upset...Some people have internal mechanisms that generate upset feelings quickly and intensely while other people have mechanisms that dampen upset feelings as soon as they happen.
Problem-Solving-First vs. Understanding-First...If you're upset, what does it take for you to feel better? Some people feel better by making a plan for how to change things..Other people feel better by talking about their feelings and getting their partner to understand how they feel.
Other basic differences might include: differences in neatness and organization; differences in emotionality; differences in optimal sexual frequency; differences in punctuality; and differences with respect to kin.
How can these core differences be resolved? My job as a counselor in these situations is to help each partner drop his/her efforts to prove that the other's position on the issue is inferior, and acknowledge that their differences probably arise from their different legitimate coping styles. Some couples become gridlocked and soon decide they are mismatched. In some cases this may be true, but I believe it is possible for "mismatched" couples to find a way to live with their differences, without feeling they are giving in.
I try to teach couples how to create a dialogue between them in which neither will feel criticized for his/her way of approaching things. Instead they will create a dialogue that helps each understand the other's point of view from both a pragmatic and emotional position. If this dialogue does not happen, the couple will continue to demonize each other and/or become emotionally distant. But when each feels respected and understood it then becomes much easier to accept the differences and find ways to work with the differences and compromise without feeling he or she has to totally change himself/herself. When this happens. sometimes the natural emotional wiring of each can also change.
* Atkinson, Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy
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