The Expression of Affection

I love this quote by the novelist and poet C.S. Lewis:  Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.  Are love and affection the same?  There are many expressions of love and I believe affection is one of its most enduring qualities.  Some of the synonyms for affection are attachment, care, closeness, desire, passion, regard, tenderness, warmth, and of course, love.

I believe the expression of affection in marriages is the path to bonding. Bonding leads to emotional connection, the cornerstone of durable happiness in any marriage. Unfortunately, as a result of the busyness of our lives, the demands of work and children, and the lack of patience to resolve the inevitable differences and disappointments that happen in all marriages, affection often recedes. Blaming, resentment and emotional distance rather than emotional affection become the dominant dynamic of the relationship. And then, we say (often, naively), "well we just don't love each other anymore." I say naively, because with a little help and insight, I have seen couples uncover the reasons for their emotional distancing and make a more conscious effort to express the affection that each needs to feel "felt", secure, loved.

What to do?  Share with each other the kind of affection you need most. John Gottman has discovered in his research that couples who habitually and genuinely express affection for each other, are usually able to resolve differences and conflict more easily and consequently create a more solid happiness.  Without affection, the inevitable differences and conflicts boil over.  So concretely, what are the ways one can express affection?  There are hundreds of ways and I am  probably not listing any you don't already know. But here are a few reminders:

• Reach out to one another. How?  Like this:

            Why don't you come over here and let me rub your shoulders for a few minutes?
             Here, you put your feet up while I get your something to drink.
             Let me hold you for a minute.
             I'm sorry you had a bad day.
             I don't like it when people treat you like that.
             I'm your side. I love you.

• Maintain greeting rituals: say hello with a smile, a hug, a kiss, a loving eye-connection.
• Establish a set time everyday to talk--just to check in, with no discussion of money, children or chores.
• Leave an affectionate note for your spouse that has no practical purpose.
• Spend more quiet time together without the television on or reading your email.
• Notice something you like about your spouse and share it.

Another favorite quote of mine is by Rainer Maria Rilke: Love....consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. Is Rilke not describing the actions of affection?  Two solitudes (individuals), protecting each other, not only from dangerous outside forces, but also from each other's vulnerabilities........touching--with hands, words, arms, eyes and making love....greeting--saying hello or welcoming each other's presence with kind words, loving eyes, and warm hugs. 

Remember: Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.