Turn Off Your Stupid Smart Phones

Greetings everyone......I have some important advice:  Turn off your stupid smart phones, iPhones, cell phones, laptops, video games--whatever!  I exaggerate of course, but recent research is indicating that as electronic communication has grown, our attention span is decreasing, our intellects are weakening, and  human connections have declined. We are close electronically.  Yet we are drifting farther away from one another personally.  I read a report recently that referred to this phenomenon as phubbing.  Phubbing is the practice of snubbing others in favor of our mobile phones.  We've all been there, as either victim or perpetrator. 

The time couples are able to be "present" with one another, is crucial for feeling emotionally connected. I am not suggesting you have to be present with your partner 24/7. But being present at various times of the day with your mate is critical for fostering your connection with each other.  Otherwise, emotional distance will definitely set in, which is often the source of nagging and criticism.

Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, actually creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it. Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full non-distracted attention.

Homework:  Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time.  Suggestions:

    1. Phones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals.

     2. No taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be returned later.

     3. Set aside time to set down with each other and check in, make plans, have a conversation--without answering any calls.....  I call this a "ritual of connection."

     4.  If it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others.

THE POSITIVE NEED

After 30 years of doing couples therapy, I know that both Alexia and James are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Submerged below is the massive real issue: both partners feel emotionally disconnected.

"If Alexia would just not get so emotional and listen to my argument about our finances and the kids, we would get somewhere," James tells me.  

"Well, if James would talk more and not just shout at me and blame me, we wouldn't fight. I think we are just growing apart here."

James and Alexia are watching their back, feeling criticized, shut-out and alone. Underneath all the loud arguments and long silences, partners are asking each other key questions in the drama of love: Are you there for me? Do I and my feelings matter to you?"

We know from all the hundreds of studies on love that have emerged during the past decade that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks love relationships. Happy couples quarrel, but they also know how to tune into each other and restore emotional connection.

Our loved one is our shelter in life. When this person is unavailable and unresponsive or attacking us, we are assailed in a tsunami of emotions--anger, sadness, hurt, and above all fear. This fear is wired in. Being able to rely on a loved one, is our innate survival code.

That being said, what's a simple way to foster that wired in need for connection? I am going to suggest a way. It's fostered by a question. In a way, it seems so obvious. How could we not ask this question throughout our marriages? The question is this:

From time to time ask your partner, "What do you need from me to feel loved?"

This takes the guesswork out of marriage. It conveys to your partner that you are thinking of her/him and that you want to truly be loving and supportive. It's also an opportunity to ask for what you need, too.

John Gottman calls this the positive need.

Having needs doesn't make you needy, and you're not burdening your partner when you express your needs. You are giving them a chance to know you, tune into you, and be there for you.

Homework(obvious): Ask your partner what she/he needs from you to feel loved..

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. Jim Covington

The Best Predictor of Your Happiness Is.........

Greetings everyone......I received a report recently which I have decided to share with everyone.  For over 75 years, a team at Harvard has tracked the physical and emotional well-being of two populations:  over 700 men from both poor families and graduates from Harvard. The study included brain scans, blood samples, self-reported surveys and actual interactions. (I’m not sure why it was limited to men…but I believe the results would not be that different if women were also included.)

The conclusion:  One thing surpasses all the rest in terms of importance:  the clearest message from the 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

The biggest predictor of your happiness and fulfillment overall in life, is basically, love.

The data is also very clear that those who feel lonely are more likely to see their physical health decline earlier and die younger.

According to one of the researchers, “It’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship.  It’s the quality of your close relationships that matters.”

What that means is this: it doesn’t matter whether you have a huge group of friends or if you are in a “perfect” romantic relationship.  It’s the quality of the relationships—how much vulnerability and depth exists within them; how safe you feel sharing with one another; the extent to which you can relax and be seen for who you truly are and truly see another.

There are two foundational elements to this: “One is love.  The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.”  So it’s important to prioritize not only connection but your own capacity to process emotions and stress. 

The data is clear, that in the end, you could have all the money you’ve ever wanted, a successful career, and be in good physical health, but without loving relationships, you won’t be happy. 

So the next time you’re scrolling through Facebook  or remain glued to your phone, instead of being present at the table with your significant other, or you are staying late at the office instead of getting together with your family or close friends, consider making a different choice. 

Relationships are messy and they’re complicated.  Well, that’s life.  And according to the director of the Harvard Study, Robert Waldinger, here is the bottom line:  The good life is built with good relationships. And obviously, that includes loving marriages.

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry......    Jim Covington       

The Grass is Greener

 I recently received a post from the Gottman Institute. I liked it and have decided to share it with you. 

It's called The Grass is Greener. 

In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away. One single moment is not that important, but if you’re consistently choosing to turn away, then trust erodes. When this happens, you begin to focus on your partner’s flaws. You forget about their traits you admire and value. Eventually you start making what researcher Caryl Rusbult calls “negative comparisons.” You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, “I can do better.” Invest in your marriage instead. Express appreciation for each other. Brag about each other’s achievements. Say “I love you” every day. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. (And even if the grass looks dead, it may still be possible to restore it to green, if you water it.....) If you are interested in reading further about how to "water the grass," go to https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-grass-is-greener-where-you-water-it/?utm_source=Marriage+Minute&utm_campaign=c72a1c493b-MM_08312017&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_56abe07ac5-c72a1c493b-135378145

Compassion: The Essence of a Loving Relationship

When couples have compassion for each other, here is what they hear from each other in words and actions: I'm interested in you....... I hear you........I understand how you feel.....I'm with you......I'd like to help you (whether I can or not).....I'd like to be with you (whether I can or not)....I accept you (even if I don't accept all your behavior).

 

When marriages end, the final rupture is usually not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity.  Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.

 

Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another.  Compassion is empathy.  Compassion is experienced as attunement, i.e., the feeling that your partner is there for you. At heart compassion is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.  Compassion is love.  Love is an act, not just a feeling.  Compassion is the antidote for criticism and contempt.

 

Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds which are the ground of strong, healthy marriages.  Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person?  Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.

 

Most of what you really fight about in your relationship is not money or sex or in-laws, or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt.  What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel.  When someone you love is not compassionate, if feels like abuse.

 

As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble.  That's why most of the time, the problems couples fight about are not the issue.  The issue is the lack of felt compassion in their relationship.  If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment builds and will inevitably turn into contempt.

 

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.       Jim Covington              

The Worst Kind of Communication

John Gottman writes about four types of communication that are most detrimental to marital or committed relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling..  Of the four, he names contempt as the most toxic and predictor of divorce. Based on my own observations, I agree with him.  

Contempt expresses the feeling of dislike toward somebody, and implies that the other person is considered worthless and undeserving of respect. Contempt projects superiority, conveyed through insults, name-calling, tone of voice, as well as facial expressions. Contempt eats away at a relationship rapidly and painfully. Conflict escalates and prevents meaningful communication. What separates contempt from criticism?  The intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.

Ways to show one’s contempt

1. Insults and name-calling are the most conspicuous and crude—you’re ugly, a jerk, a wimp, loser,  etc.

2. Mockery is a subtle put-down, where the spouse’s words or actions are ridiculed to show he or she is not worthy of respect or trust. A man may tell his wife, for example, “I really do care about you,” and she replies sarcastically, “Oh sure, you really do care about me.”

3. Body language, such as rolling one’s eyes or sneering, gives the clearest clue that a couple is in trouble.

4. Tone of voice is probably the most powerful weapon of contempt.

Responses to contempt

What do you do if you have a partner who is harshly critical or contemptuous toward you?

     Don’t be drawn into contempt, criticism or defensiveness. You can stand up for yourself, but without joining in the sneering, ridiculing, and hostile negative judgments. 

     The best way to neutralize your contempt is to stop seeing arguments with your spouse as a way to retaliate or exhibit your superior moral stance.  Rather, your relationship will improve if you approach your spouse with precise non-blaming complaints by expressing feelings from your own inner experience (rather than attacking your partner’s character). In other words, it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference.

LOVE CONSISTS IN THIS....

One of my favorite poets, Rainer Maria Rilke, defines love as follows:   Love consists in this…..that two solitudes protect, and touch and greet each other.

For some reason, that one phrase has stayed in my heart for years….. He wrote the poem in the 19th century, but he defined love as we have come to scientifically and emotionally understand it. My interpretation:

Two Solitudes: The word solitude means being alone, but In this context, I interpret the phrase to mean:  two separate beings, independent of each other and responsible for self, yet longing for connection—as we are all wired to want….

To Protect Each Other:  I take this to mean: being there for each other in times of need, when feeling vulnerable and alone, to empathize with your love mate when she/he is feeling hurt or anxious or unsure even if the feelings are sometimes for the moment, not based in reality.

To Touch.  Any intimate relationship is strengthened and nurtured by touch—holding hands, arms around each other, embracing, massaging, cuddling, kissing and yes, when making love.  And emotionally touching each other's heart by the love we give.

To Greet.......is to welcome your love-mate’s presence upon meeting, to connect with loving eyes and words, to hug....to express interest in the other’s day or his/her inner reality and feeling known.  

And that is what love consists of, each and every day.  So be it.  Jim Covington www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com