When couples have compassion for each other, here is what they hear from
each other in words and actions: I'm interested in you....... I
hear you........I understand how you feel.....I'm with
you......I'd like to help you (whether I can or not).....I'd
like to be with you (whether I can or not)....I accept you (even
if I don't accept all your behavior).
When marriages end, the final rupture is usually not caused by too
much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing
death from too little compassion.
Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. Compassion is
empathy. Compassion is experienced as attunement, i.e., the feeling that your
partner is there for you. At heart compassion is a simple appreciation
of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of
compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated. Compassion is love.
Love is an act, not just a feeling. Compassion is the antidote for criticism
and contempt.
Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds which are the
ground of strong, healthy marriages. Think of when you were dating someone you
eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that
your parents had died. If your date responded with, "well, that's tough, call me
when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person? Chances
are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when
you felt bad.
Most of what you really fight about in your relationship is not
money or sex or in-laws, or raising the kids. Those are common problems that
seem insurmountable only when you're hurt. What causes the hurt, i.e., what you
really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you
feel. When someone you love is not compassionate, if feels like abuse.
As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common
problems insoluble. That's why most of the time, the problems couples
fight about are not the issue. The issue is the lack of felt compassion in
their relationship. If unfettered by the better angels of our nature,
resentment builds and will inevitably turn into contempt.
Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and
they blossom when we love the ones we marry. Jim
Covington
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