The Importance of Apology in Marriage

Based on my extensive work with couples and also recent research, I have come to believe more than ever, that here is no doubt that sincere apology is absolutely essential.  Sincere apology is so essential to relationship maintenance that it can hardly be stressed too much.

It goes without saying that the most important elements of apology are sincerity and follow-through, i..e.,feel what you say and "walk the walk," and not just "talk the talk."

Research indicates that satisfying apologies are quite different for different people.  An acceptable apology for you might not work for your partner and vice versa.  Tell your partner what you need to feel reassured that the hurtful behavior is unlikely to recur.  Of course, with repeated infractions, the requirements to feel safe will be greater.

Reconciliation:  You will find it impossible to apologize sincerely or effectively if you see it as submission.  Sincere apology is never submission.  In fact, it is one of the more beautiful of human interactions: reconciliation. The primary purpose of apology is to restore eventual (not necessarily immediate) connection.  It is never to defend your ego.    Apology must not: 

• Be contingent on your partner apologizing
• Be tempered by excuses
• Have any element of blame ("It takes one to know one.")
• Seek immediate forgiveness (Trust must be restored gradually through behavior that demonstrates trustworthiness over time.)

Apology must:
           1. Come from your core value(e.g.integrity, honesty), and sympathize with the effect of your behavior
on your partner.  (In fact, use this as an opportunity to decide what your core value(s) actually is.)
           2. State how important your partner's well being is to you.
           3. State how sorry you are that you've done something to hurt your partner and/or break your connection.
           4. Offer recompense: "How can I make it up to you?"
           5. If the offense is recurring, describe an action-plan to prevent future repetition of the offending behavior (which violated your core value to the extent that it hurt your partner or your relationship).

Action plan to prevent repeating the same behavior:
           -- Identify the antecedents of the hurtful behavior--what you were thinking, feeling, and doing, as well as the state of your physical resources (e.g., hungry, tired, thirsty, headache, having consumed more that two drinks or more than two cups of coffee, or eaten too much sugar) immediately before the infraction.

            -- Give the details of how you will act differently under similar conditions in the future: "This is what I will do to remind myself how much I value you when similar conditions occur in the future."

If you're receiving an apology, don't see it as an opportunity for retaliation or revenge. (The surest way to discourage apology is to criticize or punish someone for doing it.)  If your partner's apology seems insufficient, acknowledge the repair attempt, then state what more you need to feel safe.

Mastering the art and science of apology not only does wonders for your relationship, it puts you solidly in touch with your core value.  When solidly in touch with your core value, you feel more authentic and valuable, with no need for defenses of resentment or anger.

All the best to you and your families in this season of  gratitude and thankfulness.  Have a warm Thanksgiving around the table or wherever you are with those you love.    Jim

The "Correct" Way To Criticize Your Spouse--If You Must!

In my last blog entry I wrote about how harmful criticism can be in relationships.  However there are  "constructive" ways to criticize your spouse, if you must.

When we're angry about not being heard, we may automatically resort to any number of what Harriet Lerner calls "below-the-belt" tactics.  We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and I need you to do it") to a damning generalization ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through").  Perhaps we throw a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are.") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality.") and bring in another party or two to bolster your case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees").  While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy.  And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching and blaming tone.

Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.

Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change.  It focuses on actions, not character judgments.  The "lightly  served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice.  People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice.  Or silliness can help enormously as when Mary threatened to charge her husband rent, if he kept putting his clothes on her desk.

A constructive "above the belt" complaint looks like this:  You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you.  You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch") and appreciate that there are other women in the world who wouldn't be so bothered by a husband who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration and you apologize for them....

At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ("Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?" and figure out how to compromise on your different styles.  You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction.  After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight.  You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belongings on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them.

Basically constructive criticism is expressing your needs in a straight-forward non-judgmental tone and inviting a conversation without bringing blame into it.

After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive below the belt kind) is one of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it.  This is especially true when criticism becomes contempt, i.e., conveying a tone of "superiority."

For anyone who has this intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?" 

 

DIAL DOWN THE CRITICISM

Based on my 30+ years of working with couples, I have no doubt that negative criticism is possibly the most common reason that couples begin to resent, battle and withdraw from each other. In her recent book, Marriage Rules, Harriet Lerner--author and renowned relationship expert--writes about the destructive role of criticism in all relationships.  For example, in a chapter entitled "Dial Down the Criticism", this is what she writes:

 

"A greeting card asks, 'If a man is alone in the forest with no woman to criticize him, is he still a schmuck?'  Men typically find the card funnier than women do.  'That's my experience exactly!' is a common male response.  'I can't do anything right.  I'm tired of being the target of her nagging and complaining.'

 

It's no surprise that women have a different response. 'if those poor guys are so bothered by criticism, why don't they pay attention to it?'

 

It's common for couples to reach an impasse wherein each person sees the other as the problem and believe that the only solution is for their partner to change. He thinks that she has to stop criticising him and start appreciating all the things that he does for the family.  She thinks he has to pay more attention to the needs of the kids and house, (not to mention her needs for emotional connection), without her constant reminders.  Although the pattern usually breaks down along these gender lines (distant husband/nagging wife), it doesn't always. There are always exceptions.  And same-sex couples are not immune to this marital dance.

 

It's easy to appreciate both perspectives.  It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of criticism and just as terrible to be in the role of the nagging partner whose legitimate requests are being ignored.  When we're feeling angry it's hard to take positive steps to change our part in the pattern because it seems so clear that our partner is the one who should change.

 

You're lucky if you have a partner who feels so solid, calm, and good about self that he/she can let your criticism and negativity slide by much of the time and consider the good points you are making without distancing or shutting down.  But once couples move past the honeymoon or Velcro stage of the relationship, such Zen-like forbearance is a rare commodity.  Many fine people can't tolerate much criticism or instruction from their partner, even if they truly appreciated it at the early stages of the relationship, when they felt valued and chosen.

 

If your attempts to reach your partner aren't getting through, it won't help to do more of the same.  The habit of criticism is hazardous to any relationship. Remember this:  no one can survive a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired.

When Marital Problems Lead to Intimacy

Intimacy is what most of us seek in relationships. However, there is a great misunderstanding about intimacy.  Many people think that intimacy comes from spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and having the same interests.  But intimacy comes from something entirely different.  Intimacy comes from telling your partner the main things on your mind and hearing the main things on your partner's mind.

Intimacy is the contact partners make with one another about their wishes, concerns, and problems, and, in particular, about their wishes, concerns and problems about the relationship.

Everyone knows that problems can lead to a loss of intimacy. The honey moon ends when problems begin.  Intimacy can be regained, however, by the way people solve their problems.  Here's an example:

Howard and Alice are a married couple in their early thirties.  Howard is a health care administrator and Alice is an elementary school teacher.  Alice feels resentment that Howard doesn't help more around the house. She blurts out:

Alice:  We've got a great division of labor here!  You mess the house and I clean it! 
Howard (defending himself): What are you talking about?  I do a lot around here!  And speaking about messes, take a look at your desk some time.

And they get into a fight.  This is not unusual.  One partner is sarcastic or blaming; the other is defensive and they fight.

But then Alice and Howard to something that is new. After they have the fight, they use the fight.  They use it as an introduction to a conversation and as a pathway to intimacy.  The next day, when both have cooled off, Howard comes up to Alice and talks about the fight.  He says that he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed.  He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Alice didn't seem to notice.  And he was also disappointed in himself because, now that he thinks about it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.

Suddenly Howard and Alice are having a conversation rather than an argument.  Since Alice isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself. And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.

Alice:  Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I'm still upset about it.

And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they're able to discover things.

Alice: I guess I"m upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together.  You have your own way of doing things and I have mine.  We're really very different people.  And we lead such separate lives.  I've got my job and you've got yours.  I take care of the house, even if you are helping more and you take care of the car.  Sure, we do our jobs okay but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well.  And I'm upset about that.

Howard says that he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better.

So, now Alice and Howard aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework. They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to.

If Alice and  Howard have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and have the same interests--they're likely to have the nightmare view that.....they're just incompatible........or getting married might have been a mistake.

The conversation is likely to bog down at this point--they don't feel there is anything more to say.  If they were to have the view of intimacy that I'm talking about however, they'd know that:  Talking about not being intimate can, itself, be an intimate act.  That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting.

So the bottom line is this: depending on how partners talk or don't talk about them, problems can lead to an increase or to a decrease in intimacy.

Couples Who Have Irresolvable Differences

In the last few weeks I have worked with couples who are struggling with core differences that appear to be irresolvable.  In one case the difference was a financial outlook: saving money vs. spending to enjoy more things.  Another was a situation where one preferred privacy/independence vs. his partner's preference for having more conversational time together.  John Gottman has found that irresolvable "perpetual" problems exist in even the healthiest of relationships due either to "lasting personality differences between partners" or "fundamental differences in lifestyle need."

In fact the overwhelming majority (69%) of couples experience perpetual problems--issues with no specific resolution.  So what can a couple do?

What is important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems.  The goal is to understand the historical basis of each partner's deeply held values and actions.  If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes "gridlocked," and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement and divorce.

A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong.  They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships.  People who are less effective in their relationship don't realize this.  When their priorities or preferences are different than their partners, they often believe that theirs' are right and their partners' are wrong.  The reality is that most of the time neither partner's priorities or expectation are out of line.

According to research there are five basic differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other.*

Independence-First vs. Togetherness-First....One person feels calmed or stabilized more through operating by yourself.  You need space, and you might feel frustrated if you don't get enough alone time.  Or, your nervous system is stabilized more through togetherness; you prefer more interaction with your partner and other people.

Invest-In-the Future-First vs. Live-for-the-Moment-First....Some people just feel better when they work first and then play later.  Other people feel better when they combine work and play.

Predictability-First vs. Spontaneity-First...Another difference in nervous system wiring that often underlies relationship gridlocks involves the level of predictability, planning or structure you need in order to function best.  If you are calmed by predictability, you do best when you are able to organize your life so you know what to expect.,  If you are more naturally wired for spontaneity  you will become restless or anxious if things become too routine.

Slow-to-Upset vs. Readily Upset...Some people have internal mechanisms that generate upset feelings quickly and intensely while other people have mechanisms that dampen upset feelings as soon as they happen.

Problem-Solving-First vs. Understanding-First...If you're upset, what does it take for you to feel better?  Some people feel better by making a plan for how to change things..Other people feel better by talking about their feelings and getting their partner to understand how they feel.

Other basic differences might include: differences in neatness and organization; differences in emotionality; differences in optimal sexual frequency; differences in punctuality; and differences with respect to kin.

How can these core differences be resolved?  My job as a counselor in these situations is to help each partner drop his/her efforts to prove that the other's position on the issue is inferior, and acknowledge that their differences probably arise from their different legitimate coping styles.  Some couples become gridlocked and soon decide they are mismatched. In some cases this may be true, but I believe it is possible for "mismatched" couples to find a way to live with their differences, without feeling they are giving in.

I try to teach couples how to create a dialogue between them in which neither will feel criticized for his/her way of approaching things.  Instead they will create a dialogue that helps each understand the other's point of view from both a pragmatic and emotional position.  If this dialogue does not happen, the couple will continue to demonize each other and/or become emotionally distant.  But when each feels respected and understood it then becomes much easier to accept the differences and find ways to work with the differences and compromise without feeling he or she has to totally change himself/herself.  When this happens. sometimes the natural emotional wiring of each can also change.

* Atkinson, Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy

The Expression of Affection

I love this quote by the novelist and poet C.S. Lewis:  Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.  Are love and affection the same?  There are many expressions of love and I believe affection is one of its most enduring qualities.  Some of the synonyms for affection are attachment, care, closeness, desire, passion, regard, tenderness, warmth, and of course, love.

I believe the expression of affection in marriages is the path to bonding. Bonding leads to emotional connection, the cornerstone of durable happiness in any marriage. Unfortunately, as a result of the busyness of our lives, the demands of work and children, and the lack of patience to resolve the inevitable differences and disappointments that happen in all marriages, affection often recedes. Blaming, resentment and emotional distance rather than emotional affection become the dominant dynamic of the relationship. And then, we say (often, naively), "well we just don't love each other anymore." I say naively, because with a little help and insight, I have seen couples uncover the reasons for their emotional distancing and make a more conscious effort to express the affection that each needs to feel "felt", secure, loved.

What to do?  Share with each other the kind of affection you need most. John Gottman has discovered in his research that couples who habitually and genuinely express affection for each other, are usually able to resolve differences and conflict more easily and consequently create a more solid happiness.  Without affection, the inevitable differences and conflicts boil over.  So concretely, what are the ways one can express affection?  There are hundreds of ways and I am  probably not listing any you don't already know. But here are a few reminders:

• Reach out to one another. How?  Like this:

            Why don't you come over here and let me rub your shoulders for a few minutes?
             Here, you put your feet up while I get your something to drink.
             Let me hold you for a minute.
             I'm sorry you had a bad day.
             I don't like it when people treat you like that.
             I'm your side. I love you.

• Maintain greeting rituals: say hello with a smile, a hug, a kiss, a loving eye-connection.
• Establish a set time everyday to talk--just to check in, with no discussion of money, children or chores.
• Leave an affectionate note for your spouse that has no practical purpose.
• Spend more quiet time together without the television on or reading your email.
• Notice something you like about your spouse and share it.

Another favorite quote of mine is by Rainer Maria Rilke: Love....consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. Is Rilke not describing the actions of affection?  Two solitudes (individuals), protecting each other, not only from dangerous outside forces, but also from each other's vulnerabilities........touching--with hands, words, arms, eyes and making love....greeting--saying hello or welcoming each other's presence with kind words, loving eyes, and warm hugs. 

Remember: Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.  

           

STAYING MARRIED

Says a wife, married 40 years: "Eternal vigilance is the price of a good marriage.  Pay attention.  Never stop paying attention.  Take care of your marriage."

The work we do, the attention we pay to our marriage, the sacrifices we make are on behalf of something bigger than both of us.  In order to build it together, we have to give over some portion of our self, give it not to our husband or wife, but to our joint creation--our marriage.

Judith Viorst(Grown-Up Marriage) writes: When romantic passion succumbs, as it must, to the mundane, we might consciously choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years.

And what are the behaviors or actions we might follow to stay married?  Again I borrow from Viorst.  The behaviors or actions she lists happen to also be the one I try to teach couples in my office as I guide them and teach them how to keep their marriage healthy:

• Try to be nice to each other even if you don't particularly feel like it.
• Try to give to each other without being asked.  Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home.
• Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism than you think your spouse deserves.
• Honor each other's goodwill and good intentions, even when you don't get what you need.  Don't expect to get all that you need from each other.
• Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation.
• When possible, laugh.
• When possible, say yes to having sex--with husband or wife to whom you are married.  Keep in mind that fidelity is not in the lap of the gods but a choice that you consciously make, again and again.  Compromise. Compromise some more.
• It helps, in our efforts at compromise, if we can distinguish injuries to our soul from injuries merely to our sensibilities.  It helps if we can stand, for a minute or two, in our partner's shoes and look at the view from his or her perspective.  It's easier to compromise if we can dispense with Mars-Venus combative polarities and see our husband or wife as what one therapist likes to call "the other half of the suffering human race."  It's easier to compromise if we recognize that, when we do, the winner is the marriage.