Intimacy is what most of us seek in relationships. However, there is a great misunderstanding about intimacy. Many people think that intimacy comes from spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and having the same interests. But intimacy comes from something entirely different. Intimacy comes from telling your partner the main things on your mind and hearing the main things on your partner's mind.
Intimacy is the contact partners make with one another about their wishes, concerns, and problems, and, in particular, about their wishes, concerns and problems about the relationship.
Everyone knows that problems can lead to a loss of intimacy. The honey moon ends when problems begin. Intimacy can be regained, however, by the way people solve their problems. Here's an example:
Howard and Alice are a married couple in their early thirties. Howard is a health care administrator and Alice is an elementary school teacher. Alice feels resentment that Howard doesn't help more around the house. She blurts out:
Alice: We've got a great division of labor here! You mess the house and I clean it!
Howard (defending himself): What are you talking about? I do a lot around here! And speaking about messes, take a look at your desk some time.
And they get into a fight. This is not unusual. One partner is sarcastic or blaming; the other is defensive and they fight.
But then Alice and Howard to something that is new. After they have the fight, they use the fight. They use it as an introduction to a conversation and as a pathway to intimacy. The next day, when both have cooled off, Howard comes up to Alice and talks about the fight. He says that he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed. He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Alice didn't seem to notice. And he was also disappointed in himself because, now that he thinks about it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.
Suddenly Howard and Alice are having a conversation rather than an argument. Since Alice isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself. And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.
Alice: Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I'm still upset about it.
And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they're able to discover things.
Alice: I guess I"m upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together. You have your own way of doing things and I have mine. We're really very different people. And we lead such separate lives. I've got my job and you've got yours. I take care of the house, even if you are helping more and you take care of the car. Sure, we do our jobs okay but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well. And I'm upset about that.
Howard says that he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better.
So, now Alice and Howard aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework. They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to.
If Alice and Howard have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and have the same interests--they're likely to have the nightmare view that.....they're just incompatible........or getting married might have been a mistake.
The conversation is likely to bog down at this point--they don't feel there is anything more to say. If they were to have the view of intimacy that I'm talking about however, they'd know that: Talking about not being intimate can, itself, be an intimate act. That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting.
So the bottom line is this: depending on how partners talk or don't talk about them, problems can lead to an increase or to a decrease in intimacy.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Couples Who Have Irresolvable Differences
In the last few weeks I have worked with couples who are struggling with core differences that appear to be irresolvable. In one case the difference was a financial outlook: saving money vs. spending to enjoy more things. Another was a situation where one preferred privacy/independence vs. his partner's preference for having more conversational time together. John Gottman has found that irresolvable "perpetual" problems exist in even the healthiest of relationships due either to "lasting personality differences between partners" or "fundamental differences in lifestyle need."
In fact the overwhelming majority (69%) of couples experience perpetual problems--issues with no specific resolution. So what can a couple do?
What is important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems. The goal is to understand the historical basis of each partner's deeply held values and actions. If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes "gridlocked," and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement and divorce.
A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong. They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships. People who are less effective in their relationship don't realize this. When their priorities or preferences are different than their partners, they often believe that theirs' are right and their partners' are wrong. The reality is that most of the time neither partner's priorities or expectation are out of line.
According to research there are five basic differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other.*
Independence-First vs. Togetherness-First....One person feels calmed or stabilized more through operating by yourself. You need space, and you might feel frustrated if you don't get enough alone time. Or, your nervous system is stabilized more through togetherness; you prefer more interaction with your partner and other people.
Invest-In-the Future-First vs. Live-for-the-Moment-First....Some people just feel better when they work first and then play later. Other people feel better when they combine work and play.
Predictability-First vs. Spontaneity-First...Another difference in nervous system wiring that often underlies relationship gridlocks involves the level of predictability, planning or structure you need in order to function best. If you are calmed by predictability, you do best when you are able to organize your life so you know what to expect., If you are more naturally wired for spontaneity you will become restless or anxious if things become too routine.
Slow-to-Upset vs. Readily Upset...Some people have internal mechanisms that generate upset feelings quickly and intensely while other people have mechanisms that dampen upset feelings as soon as they happen.
Problem-Solving-First vs. Understanding-First...If you're upset, what does it take for you to feel better? Some people feel better by making a plan for how to change things..Other people feel better by talking about their feelings and getting their partner to understand how they feel.
Other basic differences might include: differences in neatness and organization; differences in emotionality; differences in optimal sexual frequency; differences in punctuality; and differences with respect to kin.
How can these core differences be resolved? My job as a counselor in these situations is to help each partner drop his/her efforts to prove that the other's position on the issue is inferior, and acknowledge that their differences probably arise from their different legitimate coping styles. Some couples become gridlocked and soon decide they are mismatched. In some cases this may be true, but I believe it is possible for "mismatched" couples to find a way to live with their differences, without feeling they are giving in.
I try to teach couples how to create a dialogue between them in which neither will feel criticized for his/her way of approaching things. Instead they will create a dialogue that helps each understand the other's point of view from both a pragmatic and emotional position. If this dialogue does not happen, the couple will continue to demonize each other and/or become emotionally distant. But when each feels respected and understood it then becomes much easier to accept the differences and find ways to work with the differences and compromise without feeling he or she has to totally change himself/herself. When this happens. sometimes the natural emotional wiring of each can also change.
* Atkinson, Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy
In fact the overwhelming majority (69%) of couples experience perpetual problems--issues with no specific resolution. So what can a couple do?
What is important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems. The goal is to understand the historical basis of each partner's deeply held values and actions. If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes "gridlocked," and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement and divorce.
A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong. They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships. People who are less effective in their relationship don't realize this. When their priorities or preferences are different than their partners, they often believe that theirs' are right and their partners' are wrong. The reality is that most of the time neither partner's priorities or expectation are out of line.
According to research there are five basic differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other.*
Independence-First vs. Togetherness-First....One person feels calmed or stabilized more through operating by yourself. You need space, and you might feel frustrated if you don't get enough alone time. Or, your nervous system is stabilized more through togetherness; you prefer more interaction with your partner and other people.
Invest-In-the Future-First vs. Live-for-the-Moment-First....Some people just feel better when they work first and then play later. Other people feel better when they combine work and play.
Predictability-First vs. Spontaneity-First...Another difference in nervous system wiring that often underlies relationship gridlocks involves the level of predictability, planning or structure you need in order to function best. If you are calmed by predictability, you do best when you are able to organize your life so you know what to expect., If you are more naturally wired for spontaneity you will become restless or anxious if things become too routine.
Slow-to-Upset vs. Readily Upset...Some people have internal mechanisms that generate upset feelings quickly and intensely while other people have mechanisms that dampen upset feelings as soon as they happen.
Problem-Solving-First vs. Understanding-First...If you're upset, what does it take for you to feel better? Some people feel better by making a plan for how to change things..Other people feel better by talking about their feelings and getting their partner to understand how they feel.
Other basic differences might include: differences in neatness and organization; differences in emotionality; differences in optimal sexual frequency; differences in punctuality; and differences with respect to kin.
How can these core differences be resolved? My job as a counselor in these situations is to help each partner drop his/her efforts to prove that the other's position on the issue is inferior, and acknowledge that their differences probably arise from their different legitimate coping styles. Some couples become gridlocked and soon decide they are mismatched. In some cases this may be true, but I believe it is possible for "mismatched" couples to find a way to live with their differences, without feeling they are giving in.
I try to teach couples how to create a dialogue between them in which neither will feel criticized for his/her way of approaching things. Instead they will create a dialogue that helps each understand the other's point of view from both a pragmatic and emotional position. If this dialogue does not happen, the couple will continue to demonize each other and/or become emotionally distant. But when each feels respected and understood it then becomes much easier to accept the differences and find ways to work with the differences and compromise without feeling he or she has to totally change himself/herself. When this happens. sometimes the natural emotional wiring of each can also change.
* Atkinson, Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
The Expression of Affection
I love this quote by the novelist and poet C.S. Lewis: Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. Are love and affection the same? There are many expressions of love and I believe affection is one of its most enduring qualities. Some of the synonyms for affection are attachment, care, closeness, desire, passion, regard, tenderness, warmth, and of course, love.
I believe the expression of affection in marriages is the path to bonding. Bonding leads to emotional connection, the cornerstone of durable happiness in any marriage. Unfortunately, as a result of the busyness of our lives, the demands of work and children, and the lack of patience to resolve the inevitable differences and disappointments that happen in all marriages, affection often recedes. Blaming, resentment and emotional distance rather than emotional affection become the dominant dynamic of the relationship. And then, we say (often, naively), "well we just don't love each other anymore." I say naively, because with a little help and insight, I have seen couples uncover the reasons for their emotional distancing and make a more conscious effort to express the affection that each needs to feel "felt", secure, loved.
What to do? Share with each other the kind of affection you need most. John Gottman has discovered in his research that couples who habitually and genuinely express affection for each other, are usually able to resolve differences and conflict more easily and consequently create a more solid happiness. Without affection, the inevitable differences and conflicts boil over. So concretely, what are the ways one can express affection? There are hundreds of ways and I am probably not listing any you don't already know. But here are a few reminders:
Here, you put your feet up while I get your something to drink.
Let me hold you for a minute.
I'm sorry you had a bad day.
I don't like it when people treat you like that.
I'm your side. I love you.
Remember: Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.
I believe the expression of affection in marriages is the path to bonding. Bonding leads to emotional connection, the cornerstone of durable happiness in any marriage. Unfortunately, as a result of the busyness of our lives, the demands of work and children, and the lack of patience to resolve the inevitable differences and disappointments that happen in all marriages, affection often recedes. Blaming, resentment and emotional distance rather than emotional affection become the dominant dynamic of the relationship. And then, we say (often, naively), "well we just don't love each other anymore." I say naively, because with a little help and insight, I have seen couples uncover the reasons for their emotional distancing and make a more conscious effort to express the affection that each needs to feel "felt", secure, loved.
What to do? Share with each other the kind of affection you need most. John Gottman has discovered in his research that couples who habitually and genuinely express affection for each other, are usually able to resolve differences and conflict more easily and consequently create a more solid happiness. Without affection, the inevitable differences and conflicts boil over. So concretely, what are the ways one can express affection? There are hundreds of ways and I am probably not listing any you don't already know. But here are a few reminders:
- Reach out to one another. How? Like this:
Here, you put your feet up while I get your something to drink.
Let me hold you for a minute.
I'm sorry you had a bad day.
I don't like it when people treat you like that.
I'm your side. I love you.
- Maintain greeting rituals: say hello with a smile, a hug, a kiss, a loving eye-connection.
- Establish a set time everyday to talk--just to check in, with no discussion of money, children or chores.
- Leave an affectionate note for your spouse that has no practical purpose.
- Spend more quiet time together without the television on or reading your email.
- Notice something you like about your spouse and share it.
Remember: Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
STAYING MARRIED
Says a wife, married 40 years: "Eternal vigilance is the price of a good marriage. Pay attention. Never stop paying attention. Take care of your marriage."
The work we do, the attention we pay to our marriage, the sacrifices we make are on behalf of something bigger than both of us. In order to build it together, we have to give over some portion of our self, give it not to our husband or wife, but to our joint creation--our marriage.
Judith Viorst(Grown-Up Marriage) writes: When romantic passion succumbs, as it must, to the mundane, we might consciously choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years.
And what are the behaviors or actions we might follow to stay married? Again I borrow from Viorst. The behaviors or actions she lists happen to also be the one I try to teach couples in my office as I guide them and teach them how to keep their marriage healthy:
The work we do, the attention we pay to our marriage, the sacrifices we make are on behalf of something bigger than both of us. In order to build it together, we have to give over some portion of our self, give it not to our husband or wife, but to our joint creation--our marriage.
Judith Viorst(Grown-Up Marriage) writes: When romantic passion succumbs, as it must, to the mundane, we might consciously choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years.
And what are the behaviors or actions we might follow to stay married? Again I borrow from Viorst. The behaviors or actions she lists happen to also be the one I try to teach couples in my office as I guide them and teach them how to keep their marriage healthy:
- Try to be nice to each other even if you don't particularly feel like it.
- Try to give to each other without being asked. Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home.
- Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism than you think your spouse deserves.
- Honor each other's goodwill and good intentions, even when you don't get what you need. Don't expect to get all that you need from each other.
- Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation.
- When possible, laugh.
- When possible, say yes to having sex--with husband or wife to whom you are married. Keep in mind that fidelity is not in the lap of the gods but a choice that you consciously make, again and again. Compromise. Compromise some more.
- It helps, in our efforts at compromise, if we can distinguish injuries to our soul from injuries merely to our sensibilities. It helps if we can stand, for a minute or two, in our partner's shoes and look at the view from his or her perspective. It's easier to compromise if we can dispense with Mars-Venus combative polarities and see our husband or wife as what one therapist likes to call "the other half of the suffering human race." It's easier to compromise if we recognize that, when we do, the winner is the marriage.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
THE DIVORCE OPTION
OK, let me put it this way: It's hard to be married! There's so much--choose one or more or all of the following--pain, rage, disillusionment, betrayal, bitterness, loneliness, boredom, contempt, disconnection. "This isn't the person I thought I was marrying!" "Should I just give up and leave?"
The divorce rate has actually decreased in the past decade, but still, almost 50% of married couples do decide to leave--and then remarry--and then, behold, discover anew that second marriages are also hard! In fact the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher than 1st marriages! There are exceptions, of course, but I have heard too many disillusioned individuals express regret about their belief that their ex-spouse was the problem only to discover similar problems in their second marriages, or even more surprisingly, in their single lives. The psychiatrist, Peter Kramer writes: There are limits to how different things will be if you exchange this partner for another.
And then there are the children who are also victims in a divorce. Research shows that except in extreme cases of abuse, children want their parents together. Children have no say in the decision that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. When parents decide to end their marriage, it means the death of the family. As the family disintegrates, a child's sense of comfort and security become shaken. As someone put it: When children are involved there is no such thing as divorce.
Marriage is work. Successful couples know that. They stay married by doing the work. And most marriages are worth the work. I have not arrived at this conclusion based on religious or moralistic views. In extreme cases, (abuse, ongoing infidelities) some marriages are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved. But most people do not fall into the extreme category.
For example, research shows that the primary complaints leading to divorce are not physical abuse, or addiction, but rather, lack of communication, lack of affection and nagging. I have grown increasingly convinced that most marriages are worth saving simply because most problems are solvable. Or to put it another way, most unhappy marriages can be changed and are worth changing. In fact, I don't believe in "saving marriages." I believe in divorcing the old marriage and beginning a new one--with the same partner. In other words, I believe couples can learn how to improve their communication, learn how to be more affectionate, and learn to resolve differences without nagging. Couples can learn how to be there for each other. I know this because I have helped hundreds of couples do the work and make the change. They stay married.
Even so, from time to time we will wonder whether this is as good as it gets, and is that good enough? But we stay married. Judith Viorst in her insightful book, Grown-Up Marriage, writes: We stay married because we promised to stay married. Because we want to raise our kids with the only person who loves them as much as we do. Because we have fashioned, through daily routines and special celebrations, "rituals of emotional connection." And because, as the years go by, we have created and shared an irreplaceable history. --Jim Covington
The divorce rate has actually decreased in the past decade, but still, almost 50% of married couples do decide to leave--and then remarry--and then, behold, discover anew that second marriages are also hard! In fact the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher than 1st marriages! There are exceptions, of course, but I have heard too many disillusioned individuals express regret about their belief that their ex-spouse was the problem only to discover similar problems in their second marriages, or even more surprisingly, in their single lives. The psychiatrist, Peter Kramer writes: There are limits to how different things will be if you exchange this partner for another.
And then there are the children who are also victims in a divorce. Research shows that except in extreme cases of abuse, children want their parents together. Children have no say in the decision that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. When parents decide to end their marriage, it means the death of the family. As the family disintegrates, a child's sense of comfort and security become shaken. As someone put it: When children are involved there is no such thing as divorce.
Marriage is work. Successful couples know that. They stay married by doing the work. And most marriages are worth the work. I have not arrived at this conclusion based on religious or moralistic views. In extreme cases, (abuse, ongoing infidelities) some marriages are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved. But most people do not fall into the extreme category.
For example, research shows that the primary complaints leading to divorce are not physical abuse, or addiction, but rather, lack of communication, lack of affection and nagging. I have grown increasingly convinced that most marriages are worth saving simply because most problems are solvable. Or to put it another way, most unhappy marriages can be changed and are worth changing. In fact, I don't believe in "saving marriages." I believe in divorcing the old marriage and beginning a new one--with the same partner. In other words, I believe couples can learn how to improve their communication, learn how to be more affectionate, and learn to resolve differences without nagging. Couples can learn how to be there for each other. I know this because I have helped hundreds of couples do the work and make the change. They stay married.
Even so, from time to time we will wonder whether this is as good as it gets, and is that good enough? But we stay married. Judith Viorst in her insightful book, Grown-Up Marriage, writes: We stay married because we promised to stay married. Because we want to raise our kids with the only person who loves them as much as we do. Because we have fashioned, through daily routines and special celebrations, "rituals of emotional connection." And because, as the years go by, we have created and shared an irreplaceable history. --Jim Covington
Friday, May 17, 2013
What Is A Healthy Marriage?
Greetings everyone.....
What is a healthy marriage? If that question interests you, I strongly
recommend that you view a youtube video where Sue Johnson eloquently defines
what a healthy marriage is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dab34E4ON0 .
Sue Johnson is
developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Her most recent book is one I
highly recommend: Hold Me Tight. Her approach is
highly successful in helping couples create stronger, more secure
relationships.
I have received advanced
training(externship) with Sue Johnson and employ much of her theoretical
insight in my work with couples. I have also received advanced training with
John Gottman, whose most recent book, What Makes Love
Last? , I also highly recommend.
In addition to Johnson's approach,
I employ the sound findings of Gottman's scientific research. Both Johnson and
Gottman emphasize the importance of attunement or emotional
responsiveness in marital relationships. If you are interested to learn
more about this, I urge you to view the youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dab34E4ON0
On the above link, you will find
more youtube videos by Johnson and others which also address the challenges and
goals of healthy marriages, all of which are quite insightful and instructive.
Enjoy! Jim
Covington
Friday, April 26, 2013
Stepping Into The Puddle
According to research, partners who are attuned to one another have stronger, healthier marriages. Being attuned means feeling felt, feeling known by one's partner, feeling understood. Another word for attunement is empathy. When someone is upset or anxious about something, the last thing he or she wants to hear is advice and the last thing he or she wants to feel is ignored or dismissed. Empathy is a form of compassion that includes identifying with what another person is feeling. Empathy soothes us and makes us feel safe. Neuro scientists have discovered that the brain is actually wired with mirror neurons that can mirror the emotional state of another. We feel with the other, for good and for bad. When I work with couples I often refer to empathy as stepping into the puddle with you partner.
"Stepping into the puddle" is not original with me. I first read about it in How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Pat Love, Steven Stosny). The authors declare that if there is a cure-all for emotional disconnection in a marriage, it would be conscious emotional attunement: tuning into the emotional state of another. So I talk about stepping into the puddle with most of the couples I counsel.
It's understandable that you might be reluctant to step into the puddle with your partner; after all, no one wants to sit with negative emotions even for a short time. I am not stating that it is always possible to be "attuned" to your partner. But there are three compelling reasons why stepping into the puddle is important. The first is that it forges a closer connection--you do far more to build intimacy and trust by helping each other with negative emotions than by sharing only positive ones. Second, failing to connect with your sad or distressed partner actually makes it harder for him or her to transform negative emotions than if you weren't there at all. The third reason that stepping into the puddle is necessary in intimate relationships is that you promised to do it! When you got married your implicit promise was that you would always care when the other feels bad.
So the bottom line is this: be there with your partner's feelings. Don't ignore them, or try to fix them. Or try to drag him or her out of it. Many times stepping into the puddle with the man in your life involves simply noticing his discomfort, gently touching him and honoring his space with silence and support. And many times, it is just sympathetic eye contact with the woman in your life to let her know that you "get" her. Stepping into the puddle means "being present"without judgment with your partner when he or she is distressed or sad. And remember, it is a puddle, not an ocean! Whatever form it takes in your relationship, if you model stepping into the puddle for your partner, you will most likely get the same in return.
"Stepping into the puddle" is not original with me. I first read about it in How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Pat Love, Steven Stosny). The authors declare that if there is a cure-all for emotional disconnection in a marriage, it would be conscious emotional attunement: tuning into the emotional state of another. So I talk about stepping into the puddle with most of the couples I counsel.
It's understandable that you might be reluctant to step into the puddle with your partner; after all, no one wants to sit with negative emotions even for a short time. I am not stating that it is always possible to be "attuned" to your partner. But there are three compelling reasons why stepping into the puddle is important. The first is that it forges a closer connection--you do far more to build intimacy and trust by helping each other with negative emotions than by sharing only positive ones. Second, failing to connect with your sad or distressed partner actually makes it harder for him or her to transform negative emotions than if you weren't there at all. The third reason that stepping into the puddle is necessary in intimate relationships is that you promised to do it! When you got married your implicit promise was that you would always care when the other feels bad.
So the bottom line is this: be there with your partner's feelings. Don't ignore them, or try to fix them. Or try to drag him or her out of it. Many times stepping into the puddle with the man in your life involves simply noticing his discomfort, gently touching him and honoring his space with silence and support. And many times, it is just sympathetic eye contact with the woman in your life to let her know that you "get" her. Stepping into the puddle means "being present"without judgment with your partner when he or she is distressed or sad. And remember, it is a puddle, not an ocean! Whatever form it takes in your relationship, if you model stepping into the puddle for your partner, you will most likely get the same in return.
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