The Expression of Affection

I love this quote by the novelist and poet C.S. Lewis:  Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.  Are love and affection the same?  There are many expressions of love and I believe affection is one of its most enduring qualities.  Some of the synonyms for affection are attachment, care, closeness, desire, passion, regard, tenderness, warmth, and of course, love.

I believe the expression of affection in marriages is the path to bonding. Bonding leads to emotional connection, the cornerstone of durable happiness in any marriage. Unfortunately, as a result of the busyness of our lives, the demands of work and children, and the lack of patience to resolve the inevitable differences and disappointments that happen in all marriages, affection often recedes. Blaming, resentment and emotional distance rather than emotional affection become the dominant dynamic of the relationship. And then, we say (often, naively), "well we just don't love each other anymore." I say naively, because with a little help and insight, I have seen couples uncover the reasons for their emotional distancing and make a more conscious effort to express the affection that each needs to feel "felt", secure, loved.

What to do?  Share with each other the kind of affection you need most. John Gottman has discovered in his research that couples who habitually and genuinely express affection for each other, are usually able to resolve differences and conflict more easily and consequently create a more solid happiness.  Without affection, the inevitable differences and conflicts boil over.  So concretely, what are the ways one can express affection?  There are hundreds of ways and I am  probably not listing any you don't already know. But here are a few reminders:

• Reach out to one another. How?  Like this:

            Why don't you come over here and let me rub your shoulders for a few minutes?
             Here, you put your feet up while I get your something to drink.
             Let me hold you for a minute.
             I'm sorry you had a bad day.
             I don't like it when people treat you like that.
             I'm your side. I love you.

• Maintain greeting rituals: say hello with a smile, a hug, a kiss, a loving eye-connection.
• Establish a set time everyday to talk--just to check in, with no discussion of money, children or chores.
• Leave an affectionate note for your spouse that has no practical purpose.
• Spend more quiet time together without the television on or reading your email.
• Notice something you like about your spouse and share it.

Another favorite quote of mine is by Rainer Maria Rilke: Love....consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. Is Rilke not describing the actions of affection?  Two solitudes (individuals), protecting each other, not only from dangerous outside forces, but also from each other's vulnerabilities........touching--with hands, words, arms, eyes and making love....greeting--saying hello or welcoming each other's presence with kind words, loving eyes, and warm hugs. 

Remember: Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.  

           

STAYING MARRIED

Says a wife, married 40 years: "Eternal vigilance is the price of a good marriage.  Pay attention.  Never stop paying attention.  Take care of your marriage."

The work we do, the attention we pay to our marriage, the sacrifices we make are on behalf of something bigger than both of us.  In order to build it together, we have to give over some portion of our self, give it not to our husband or wife, but to our joint creation--our marriage.

Judith Viorst(Grown-Up Marriage) writes: When romantic passion succumbs, as it must, to the mundane, we might consciously choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years.

And what are the behaviors or actions we might follow to stay married?  Again I borrow from Viorst.  The behaviors or actions she lists happen to also be the one I try to teach couples in my office as I guide them and teach them how to keep their marriage healthy:

• Try to be nice to each other even if you don't particularly feel like it.
• Try to give to each other without being asked.  Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home.
• Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism than you think your spouse deserves.
• Honor each other's goodwill and good intentions, even when you don't get what you need.  Don't expect to get all that you need from each other.
• Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation.
• When possible, laugh.
• When possible, say yes to having sex--with husband or wife to whom you are married.  Keep in mind that fidelity is not in the lap of the gods but a choice that you consciously make, again and again.  Compromise. Compromise some more.
• It helps, in our efforts at compromise, if we can distinguish injuries to our soul from injuries merely to our sensibilities.  It helps if we can stand, for a minute or two, in our partner's shoes and look at the view from his or her perspective.  It's easier to compromise if we can dispense with Mars-Venus combative polarities and see our husband or wife as what one therapist likes to call "the other half of the suffering human race."  It's easier to compromise if we recognize that, when we do, the winner is the marriage.

THE DIVORCE OPTION

OK, let me put it this way: It's hard to be married!  There's so much--choose one or more or all of the following--pain, rage, disillusionment, betrayal, bitterness, loneliness, boredom, contempt, disconnection.  "This isn't the person I thought I was marrying!" "Should I just give up and leave?"

The divorce rate has actually decreased in the past decade, but still, almost 50% of married couples do decide to leave--and then remarry--and then, behold, discover anew that second marriages are also hard!  In fact the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher than 1st marriages!  There are exceptions, of course, but I have heard too many disillusioned individuals express regret about their belief that their ex-spouse was the problem only to discover similar problems in their second marriages, or even more surprisingly, in their single lives.  The psychiatrist, Peter Kramer writes: There are limits to how different things will be if  you exchange this partner for another.

And then there are the children who are also victims in a divorce.  Research shows that except in extreme cases of abuse, children want their parents together.  Children have no say in the decision that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. When parents decide to end their marriage, it means the death of the family.  As the family disintegrates, a child's sense of comfort and security become shaken. As someone put it: When children are involved there is no such thing as divorce.

Marriage is work. Successful couples know that.  They stay married by doing the work. And most marriages are worth the work.  I have not arrived at this conclusion based on religious or moralistic views. In extreme cases, (abuse, ongoing infidelities) some marriages are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved. But most people do not fall into the extreme category.

For example, research shows that the primary complaints leading to divorce are not physical abuse, or addiction, but rather, lack of communication, lack of affection and nagging.  I have grown increasingly convinced that most marriages are worth saving simply because most problems are solvable. Or to put it another way, most unhappy marriages can be changed and are worth changing.  In fact, I don't believe in "saving marriages."  I believe in divorcing the old marriage and beginning a new one--with the same partner.  In other words, I believe couples can learn how to improve their communication, learn how to be more affectionate, and learn to resolve differences without nagging.  Couples can learn how to be there for each other. I know this because I have helped hundreds of couples do the work and make the change.  They stay married.

Even so, from time to time we will wonder whether this is as good as it gets, and is that good enough?  But we stay married.  Judith Viorst in her insightful book, Grown-Up Marriage, writes: We stay married because we promised to stay married.  Because we want to raise our kids with the only person who loves them as much as we do.  Because we have fashioned, through daily routines and special celebrations, "rituals of emotional connection." And because, as the years go by, we have created and shared an irreplaceable history.     --Jim Covington

What Is A Healthy Marriage?

Greetings everyone..... What is a healthy marriage?  If that question interests you, I strongly recommend that you view a youtube video where Sue Johnson eloquently defines what a healthy marriage is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dab34E4ON0 .  

Sue Johnson is developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Her most recent book is one I highly recommend:  Hold Me Tight. Her approach is highly successful in helping couples create stronger, more secure relationships.

I have received advanced training(externship) with Sue Johnson and employ much of her theoretical insight in my work with couples.  I have also received advanced training with John Gottman, whose most recent book,  What Makes Love Last? , I also highly recommend.  

In addition to Johnson's approach, I employ the sound findings of Gottman's scientific research.   Both Johnson and Gottman emphasize the importance of attunement or emotional responsiveness in marital relationships. If you are interested to learn more about this, I urge you to view the youtube link:       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dab34E4ON0 

On the above link, you will find more youtube videos by Johnson and others which also address the challenges and goals of healthy marriages, all of which are quite insightful and instructive.    

Enjoy!   Jim Covington

Stepping Into The Puddle

    According to research, partners who are attuned to one another have stronger, healthier marriages.  Being attuned means feeling felt, feeling known by one's partner, feeling understood.  Another word for attunement is empathy. When someone is upset or anxious about something, the last thing he or she wants to hear is advice and the last thing he or she wants to feel is ignored or dismissed.  Empathy is a form of compassion that includes identifying with what another person is feeling.  Empathy soothes us and makes us feel safe.  Neuro scientists have discovered that the brain is actually wired with mirror neurons that can mirror the emotional state of another.  We feel with the other, for good and for bad.  When I work with couples I often refer to empathy as stepping into the puddle with you partner.

   "Stepping into the puddle" is not original with me.  I first read about it in How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Pat Love, Steven Stosny). The authors declare that if there is a cure-all for emotional disconnection in a marriage, it would be conscious emotional attunement: tuning into the emotional state of another.  So I talk about stepping into the puddle with most of the couples I counsel.

    It's understandable that you might be reluctant to step into the puddle with your partner; after all, no one wants to sit with negative emotions even for a short time.  I am not stating that it is always possible to be "attuned" to your partner.  But there are three compelling reasons why stepping into the puddle is important.  The first is that it forges a closer connection--you do far more to build intimacy and trust by helping each other with negative emotions than by sharing only positive ones.  Second, failing to connect with your sad or distressed partner actually makes it harder for him or her to transform negative emotions than if you weren't there at all.  The third reason that stepping into the puddle is necessary in intimate relationships is that you promised to do it!  When you got married your implicit promise was that you would always care when the other feels bad.

    So the bottom line is this:  be there with your partner's feelings.  Don't ignore them, or try to fix them. Or try to drag him or her out of it.  Many times stepping into the puddle with the man in your life involves simply noticing his discomfort, gently touching him and honoring his space with silence and support.  And many times, it is just sympathetic eye contact with the woman in your life to let her know that you "get" her. Stepping into the puddle means "being present"without judgment with your partner when he or she is distressed or sad. And remember, it is a puddle, not an ocean!  Whatever form it takes in your relationship, if you model stepping into the puddle for your partner, you will most likely get the same in return.

Lessons in Domestic Policy

THE THREE-MINUTE RULE :      My wife has a habit of suing for peace too quickly in disputes. This usually leaves me frustrated: “Wait, I have seven more points I want to make.” Not surprisingly, her instincts are right. John Gottman of the University of Washington has found that the most important points in any argument can be found in the opening minutes. After that, people repeat themselves at higher and higher decibels. Just as boxers fight for only three minutes per round, couples can do the same. Say your piece, then heed Mr. Ury’s advice: call for a five-minute break or take a short walk.

THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY:    While hurrying through a fight may be good, steer clear of certain words, or at least one word. Pronouns are the canary in the coal mine of conflict. James Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas, has found that within couples, using first-person pronouns (“I” or “we”) is a sign of a healthy relationship. By contrast, using lots of second-person pronouns — “You always say that” or “You never do this” — is a mark of poor problem-solving. To stop fighting, stop saying “you.”

THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SAY :  I’ve heard different opinions about forcing people to apologize, especially children. Some say it’s necessary; others think it’s just piling on. Sheila Heen, an author of “Difficult Conversations,” told me that in her household, she favors contrition. “Saying you’re sorry has two meanings,” she said. “One is to describe how you actually feel. The other is to take responsibility for the impact you’ve had on somebody else. I’m really more interested in the second meaning: accepting accountability for your choices even if you don’t genuinely feel apologetic.” Later, she said, when you’re less amped up, feeling sorry will come.

 

 

 

Move Toward Your Partner With Love

If you are trying to take a firm position, express your disappointment and anger, or voice the final stand in your relationship, you may not feel like moving toward your partner in a loving and respectful way.

But if you can't warm your partner's heart, you won't get anywhere crossing your arms over your chest and making all kinds of "I statements" about what you won't tolerate anymore.

If your motivation is to give your relationship the best chance of succeeding--or simply to be heard--the first order of business is this:

• Pay attention to your relationship and nurture it.
• Move toward your partner in a loving and generous way.
• Avoid distancing or disconnecting emotionally.

I know: what I am telling you sounds nuts.  Counter-intuitive. Maybe even offensive. But I'm telling you, if you want to have a successful, healthy marriage you can learn to do this and still express your wants, expectations, limits and bottom line.  

Whether the subject is divorce or the dirty dishes, you don't need to voice your bottom line in somber, heavy, or angry tones.  Clarity of voice comes from deeply held values and self-respect. To be heard, you may need to lower the volume and intensity, rather than raise it. You may need some help, but you can do it.

When the emotional climate of marriage is predominantly negative, you have some groundwork to do before clarifying a bottom line.  No one will listen or speak well if the overriding sentiment of the relationship is hostile, critical, or distant. Nor will you get anywhere taking a position about a hot issue if you're coming from a place of angry reactivity, self-righteousness, or criticism.  Instead, you need to be a model of the kind of behavior you want from your partner, not a critic.   You need to treat your partner the way you'd like to feel about him or her, in order to evoke the positive feelings you've lost touch with.

Taking such positive action is incredibly difficult when a relationship has become a source of chronic anger or dissatisfaction.  But before you rush in to declare your bottom line or to find a divorce attorney, it's a good idea to first test out what's possible by giving voice to the positive. What do you think?    Jim Covington