The Gift of Presence

The best love stories awaken the deepest and most natural pulses of the human heart.  That's part of the meaning of reminding ourselves during this Hanukkah/Christmas season that "it is more blessed to give than to receive." Because when we give, we are becoming the incarnation of those forces in the universe, that are only happy when they are giving unto others: giving life, love, hope, a healing touch, a caring presence.  Presence. Spelled with a "c" rather than a "t"--a healing presence, a loving presence.  Those are the greatest presents we can give one another, especially our spouse and our children and those around us who suffer tragic loss from both natural disaster and human madness.

The pure gift of just being here--what's that worth? Giving birth--what's that worth? And being with people we love and who love us--what's that selling for on the Dow or the Nasdaq?   And our health--whatever degree of health we have, it's better than having a lot less health.  It makes a big difference.  What's that worth?

 

So many gifts and so many of us who have not learned how to see them.  Let us become aware of those simple gifts of being here, loving and being loved, touching and being touched, protecting and being protected.  Those gifts are the real treasures of this holiday season, and we don't have to wait until a particular day to open them.  In fact, it's best that we don't wait.  Let us open our gifts of life, love and spirit, and spread them all around our lives, sitting there right in the middle of them. 

So, during this season, let us remember that love is not so much an idea whose time has come, as it is a commitment of presence to one another: our spouse, our children and our neighbors and those in need--near and far.  In many ways it is an irrational commitment because love can get us into trouble. Those who love will ultimately lose the beloved or they will lose us.  Love can prompt us to give of ourselves in ways that may seem foolish - perhaps are foolish. But ultimately love is the path to the soul--the soul of the other and the soul within--not a romantic love --but a mature love that can accept differences and reach for understanding, for depth and forgiveness. Good marriages and good parents nurture the soul.

And so, faith, hope, love, these three

I offer you this season.

Faith that living affirms,

Hope that caring illumines,
Love that matters more than anything.
Faith, hope, love-- these three,
Not as gifts I offer them,

For they are not mine to give.

They are yours and mine to share,

Humbly, with one another.
Fumbling, we hold their promise in our hands,
Faintly, we speak the trembling words:
Faith in our promises to one another;

Hope for the better nature of our humanity,
Love.....

These three we offer to one another this season--

Our Hanukkah, our Christmas, our Kwanzaa,

Our Human Presence. 

 

"Marriage Isn't Supposed to Make You HAPPY!"

Frank Pittman died last week.  You may not be familiar with his work in the marriage counseling field but those of us in the profession have lost a true champion of marriage and family--Dr Frank Pittman.  He left a great legacy through his books and essays including Grow UP!, Man Enough, Private Lies, and Turning Point. One of my favorite keynote addresses he gave at a marraige conference was entitled What Are Men For, Anyway? where he "brazenly" asserts:  ....in the end, there is nothing a man can do that a woman can't, except be a father.

Pittman had a way of inspiring us to take responsibility for our lives, actions, our marriages, families.  He was smart, funny, said it like it is.  He was a "man's man" that men could relate to.  He will be missed and his quotes will live on.  Here are some of my favorite quotes:

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside.

Here is a clip from a Psychology Today interview:   There is this great belief that if you are not getting everything your heart desires, you will be miserable.  This is a dangerous belief.  The failure to be blessed with a life that is a constant state of ecstatic wonder becomes a psychiatric emergency.  All the mental health people jump in and say, 'Oh, my God!  They are not happy.  Call the fire department! Maybe these people should not have gotten married.  Sorry about the kids and all.  Maybe they should not have gotten married.  Maybe we will have to get them divorced so maybe they can be happy with the 2nd, the 3rd, the 4th or the 5th husband or wife.'  I look at these people who are miserable in their marriages and their lives, and I think, 'I have the responsibility to them, to make them aware that they have the capacity to bring about their adult selves and that they have a responsibility to their children that is going to affect the second half of their life enormously if they do not fulfill it.  Maybe I have got a responsibility to the two other people that these folks would marry next if they do not learn how to be marriaed the first time around.'

Here's another quote:   Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages.  People who are permanently married are polite to one another.  They don't want to hurt one another's feelings, and they don't try to make the other one feel humiliated.  People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another.   I really love that one.........so why is it so difficult to be kind to one another?  Humans are emotionally wired for reaction...often in a very destructive way, especially when we feel the "other" is wrong.  Can we change the wiring so that we are less reactive and more engaging, especially when we are feeling hurt and alone?  Can I teach couples how to do that?  Well, I'm trying!

In the same vein, another quote: Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but cruelty is not.  Above all, happiliy married partners see each other as allies, not as adversaries.   --And what is cruelty?  The hard reasons for divorce: unrelenting judgmentalism, ongoing abuse, addictions and infidelities.  All the other reasons are soft: frequent arguing, feeling misunderstood, unsupported, not feeling in love, lack of sex....  Yes, I know, there are what if's, yes-buts, and exceptions to most of what I have written, but that does not discount the core truths of what "being married" means.

And this one.  Read this one slowly, at least twice:  You can't be right and married at the same time.  If you're trying to be right and prove your partner wrong, you've stepped outside the marriage.   So what can you do? According to Pittman:

You are not going to be in love all the time, but if you want to recapture that magic from when you were in love, be loving. Being loving to your partner makes you feel so good about yourself, it doesn't matter if you're in love or not.  The marriage is making you feel good if you are loving in it. 

And just how can you be more loving?  Hmmm.  Think about it.  Or give me a call.

I often use Pittman's "politically incorrect" quote with couples (and with myself!): 

Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy--it's supposed to make you married.

Then after clients look at me aghast I say: "Wouldn't it be nice to be both?  Want to work on it?"

Standing Up For Yourself Without Putting Your Partner Down

One of the most important things we know about people who are destined to succeed in their relationships is that they deliver complaints differently from those who are destined to fail.  I have referred to this ability as a "soft startup"(John Gottman, 1999) in previous blog entries.  A soft startup is generally devoid of a judgmental attitude which I wrote about in my September blog entry. A soft startup also includes being able to stand up for yourself without putting your partner down.

Dropping the judgemental idea that one's partner is wrong doesn't mean that one has to give in.  People who are destined to succeed believe that their own opinions and expectations are just as importnat as those of their partners.  Rather than criticizing or trying to prove their partners wrong, people who are destined to succeed in their relationships simply ask their partners to "move over and make room for me." They ask their partners to meet them half way.  Successful partners both require that their feelings be respected, and make it easy for their partners to be respectful at the same time. They make it easy for their partners to be respectful by refraining from assuming that their partners are wrong.

When couples are distressed, it is most always the case that neither partner has the ability to stand up for him- or herself without putting the other person down. Instead, partners criticize and never state exactly what they want, try to present their own point of view as the only reasonable option, or give in to their partners while secretly thinking bad things about them.

People who are destined for success refrain from making a big deal of it when their partners don't seem willing to meet them half way.  They simply hold their ground and continue to insist that their opinions or priorities be given equal consideration.

Of course this is not always easy to do.  Sometimes we have to almost literally rewire our emotional brains to act differently.  Couples often have to be educated in couples counseling about the soft startup approach before they can consider changing their usual automatic blaming responses to each other.  Anger is a natural occurance in relationships but it is often an internal state that we need to learn how to shift to a more productive way of expression.  What's important is learning how to use that anger to stand up for our feelings without putting our partner down or blaming our partner.  Otherwise, using one's anger will only backfire.

Talking About Personal Sex

There is considerable evidence that talking about sex is related to overall happiness in couples' relationships.  Both the frequency and the quality of talking about sex are strongly correlated with a couple's happiness, particularly for women. In one study, 50% of the women who said that they discussed their sexual feelings with their husbands were also very satisfied with the relationship, compared to 9% who did not discuss their sexual feelings with their husbands.  Research indicates that it is indeed important for couples to have intimate conversations about sex. In other words, make a love map of your partner's sexual preferences. 

Yes, there can be several factors causing the lack of sexual desire, including medications, hormone fluctuation, physical and psychological issues, and unresolved conflicts and resentment. But often, what is really missing are intimate conversations.  In fact, trust, which is so important in healthy relationships, can be strengthened if we are able to talk to each other about sex.  But---it is important to talk openly without a blaming tone.

So how might a couple have personal conversation about sex?  What are examples of the kinds of conversation you might wish to have with your partner?  Try these questions to start your conversation:

About Feelings and Intimacy-- There is an old saying that some people need sex to feel close but others only want sex when they already feel close.  Do you think that difference exists between us?  Is it a problem?  If so, how can we make it better?    What makes sex more romantic and passionate for you?

About Libido--  What would be a good way for us to handle one of us wanting sex and the other not being interested at the moment?  What would be a good way for us to initiate sex?  Can we come up with a signal to let each other know that we're interested (or not)?

Touching and Being Touched-- There's an old song about liking a lover with "slow hands."  Is that so for you?  Would you like me to touch you more slowly or faster?

For Women Only-- Many women say that they cannot ask for what they want concerning nonsexual physical affection from their spouse, such as being cuddled, held, or touched affectionately without feeling pressured to have sex.  How do you feel about that?

For Men Only-- Many men say that they wish that their partner would pay more attention to their penis.  Is that true for you?

Now that you have read these questions for conversations, what do you think? Do they shock you, surprise you, intimidate or interest you? Or do you already have such conversations?  If so, good for you!  Any honest personal conversaion you can have about sex will likely improve your relationship in bed and out--again, IF you talk openly and gently with each other.  If you want more such examples of questions, email me:  jimcoving1@aol.com

Sliding Doors to Good Marriages

When a couple sits in my office and tells me why they are seeking counseling, I usually hear a litany of complaints and accusations--all describing incidents when each felt dismissed, ignored, attacked and criticized.  But the issues that a couple hope to address and resolve are often not really the problem.  The complaints are often symptomatic of something else: the lack of emotional connection, or as John Gottman refers to it: a deficit in attunement. (from Gottman's latest book, What Makes Love Last?)

What is attunement?  It is the desire and ability to understand and respect each other's inner world.  It's the feeling of being there for each other, feeling cherished. To love and to cherish actually means "to hold close to one's heart."  When that dynamic is missing, trust begins to erode and couples become more distant and angry.

In the words of John Gottman: In a committed relationship, partners constantly ask each other in words and deeds for support and understanding.  In research parlance I refer to such requests as "bids." They can be as simple as "Could you get me a beer?" or as profound as "I need you," after a scary medical diagnosis.  Not all bids are obvious.  Many of them get missed, ignored, or misinterpreted.  One partner may say "I love you," expecting the other to turn around and initiate a hug.  But the partner, distracted and just half-listening, says, "I know you do."

Every bid made in a relationship initiates what I call a sliding door moment.  When one partner expresses a need for connection, the other's response is either to slide open a door and walk through or keep it shut and turn away.  Imagine that Henry settles into his favorite chair to watch a movie.  His wife, Cindy, wanders over, gazes at the screen, and sighs, "Wow--Paris always looks so gorgeous in movies!"  There is a huge catalog of reactions Henry might have to his wife's wistful comment.  He could slide the door open by saying something like, "I hope someday we get to go there."  Or he could turn away by offering a grouchy grunt or saying "Shhh, I'm trying to watch!" A response that doesn't demonstrate interest and connection, slides the door shut.

All long-term relationships are riddled with sliding door moments that end poorly.  The partner may be tired, or annoyed or just focused elsewhere.  Often, we don't think our response, or lack of one, to such a trivial event will matter much.

It's true that turning away from a minor bid is not going to send a relationship hurtling into the abyss.  But an abundance of unhappy endings to these interactions does precipiate danger.  Over time, one partner or both begin to wonder: "Do I come first, or does someone or something else matter more?  Is my partner selfish?  Can I risk continuing to trust?" (Gottman, What Makes Love Last?  p. 32)

Unfortunately when a partner is beginning to ask herself/himself these questions, he or she may begin to withdraw or angrily criticize the other, which will only make things worse, of course. So when I work with couples this is what I teach and emphasize: When one is feeling lonely or not attuned to, the best thing to do is to express your need in an open, non-apologetic, non-judgmental way.  And the best response is to slide the door open, by listening and seeking to understand your partner's complaint--your partner's need. Only in this manner will attunement be felt, your partner feel cherished and your trust sustained. 

No Judgements! Nobody Has To Be Wrong

There is a tendency in marital relationships to assume that if you are upset, somebody must have done something wrong.  Sometimes that is true, of course.  Often it is not true.  Marriage researchers have discovered that most of the time this assumption is unwarranted, and that when partners are upset with each other, neither partner has done anything that is intrinsically wrong. Sixty-nine percent of marital upsets arise from conflicting values, priorities, beliefs, or personal tendencies for which there is no generally accepted standard.  Marriages start to slide when partners assume there is a "correct standard to which they are entitled to hold their partners accountable."  For example, consider the following questions:

• How much arguing is acceptable in marriage?
• How much money should be spent on what type of things?
• How neat and organized should a couple's life be?
• Who should do what chores around the house, how often?
• How much time should be put into career versus family?
• How important is it for the couple to talk about feelings?
• How much and what type of discipline should be used with the kids?
• What kind of sexual activities are acceptable?
• How much financial risk should be taken?

Studies suggest that there are a wide variety of legitimate opinions that partners can take on such questions.  For example, some couples who place high value on personal freedom are happily married and some are not. Happily married partners differ on scores of important values and priorities, but they have one thing in common: They avoid assuming that their partner's values, priorities or opinions are wrong, and instead assume that there are many potentially legitimate ways to live life. 

People destined to succeed understand that if you assume the worst of your partner, you'll get the worst from your partner.  Instead they give their partners the benefit of the doubt; they assume that there is a legitimate reason for their partner's words or actions, even if they don't know what it is yet.

In contrast, when people are destined to fail in their relationships are faced with words or actions from their partners that are upsetting to them, they assume that their partners are acting this way becaue they have misguided reasoning, priorities, motivations or intentions, or that their partners have faulty personality characteristics (e.g., "My partner is just lazy, controlling, insensitive," etc.).

Many of us grow up feeling that we don't have the right to be upset with someone unless that person did something wrong.  So, when we find ourselves upset we tend to automatically assume that the other person did something wrong--otherwise, we wouldn't feel entitled to be upset.

Successful couples find a way out of this dilemma, realizing that it is normal for people to get upset with each other when their expectations are at cross-purposes.  Instead of judging and attacking each other, they articulate their respective needs or viewpoints without judgment, remain open to their partner's emotional reality, respectfully accept differences and work out an appropriate plan or response for meeting each others needs.  Nobody has to be wrong.    Jim Covington

Becoming the LoveMate YOU Want to Be

Steven Stosny (How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It), writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle:  To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to be.

Hmmmmm.......interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work? When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.

Stosny points out: Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner, and  both are bad:

       1. You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and loving person I truly am until you do what I want." (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassionate..or loving, supportive, etc.).

       2. Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be in reaction to him or her.

In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve.

So.....according to Stosny, your best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you. Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate, and supportive or resentful, demanding, and critical.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relatioship that are distressful to you.  Not at all!  It's the tone of how you bring them up that often matters: compassionately(softly, giving the benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.

Even so your partner may still not respond in a caring way.  And I also want to emphasize that when infidelity, abuse and/or addictions are involved, it is more important that the victimized partner be able to stand firm.  In these cases, the core value is self-respect. You are acting for yourself, rather than against your partner. But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to be. To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change you want to see.

So what are some of the core values you believe you have internalized and are committed to, including your own self-respect?  I will assume they stem from at least one of these:  loving, compassionate, supportive, flexible, appreciatve, respectful...    So what do you think?  Does this make sense?  Yes, like most relationship ideas or approaches, I'm sure there are exceptions and "yes-buts". Nevertheless I like the idea of thinking about what my real core values are anyway and if I am actually living them. I like the idea of being the strong, self-respecting, compassionate person I most want to be, especially when I'm disappointed or hurt or fearful. I think it works most of the time, at least it has for me in my own marriage.