Becoming the LoveMate YOU Want to Be

Steven Stosny (How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It), writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle:  To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to be.

Hmmmmm.......interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work? When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.

Stosny points out: Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner, and  both are bad:

       1. You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and loving person I truly am until you do what I want." (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassionate..or loving, supportive, etc.).

       2. Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be in reaction to him or her.

In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve.

So.....according to Stosny, your best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you. Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate, and supportive or resentful, demanding, and critical.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relatioship that are distressful to you.  Not at all!  It's the tone of how you bring them up that often matters: compassionately(softly, giving the benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.

Even so your partner may still not respond in a caring way.  And I also want to emphasize that when infidelity, abuse and/or addictions are involved, it is more important that the victimized partner be able to stand firm.  In these cases, the core value is self-respect. You are acting for yourself, rather than against your partner. But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to be. To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change you want to see.

So what are some of the core values you believe you have internalized and are committed to, including your own self-respect?  I will assume they stem from at least one of these:  loving, compassionate, supportive, flexible, appreciatve, respectful...    So what do you think?  Does this make sense?  Yes, like most relationship ideas or approaches, I'm sure there are exceptions and "yes-buts". Nevertheless I like the idea of thinking about what my real core values are anyway and if I am actually living them. I like the idea of being the strong, self-respecting, compassionate person I most want to be, especially when I'm disappointed or hurt or fearful. I think it works most of the time, at least it has for me in my own marriage.