No Judgements! Nobody Has To Be Wrong

There is a tendency in marital relationships to assume that if you are upset, somebody must have done something wrong.  Sometimes that is true, of course.  Often it is not true.  Marriage researchers have discovered that most of the time this assumption is unwarranted, and that when partners are upset with each other, neither partner has done anything that is intrinsically wrong. Sixty-nine percent of marital upsets arise from conflicting values, priorities, beliefs, or personal tendencies for which there is no generally accepted standard.  Marriages start to slide when partners assume there is a "correct standard to which they are entitled to hold their partners accountable."  For example, consider the following questions:

• How much arguing is acceptable in marriage?
• How much money should be spent on what type of things?
• How neat and organized should a couple's life be?
• Who should do what chores around the house, how often?
• How much time should be put into career versus family?
• How important is it for the couple to talk about feelings?
• How much and what type of discipline should be used with the kids?
• What kind of sexual activities are acceptable?
• How much financial risk should be taken?

Studies suggest that there are a wide variety of legitimate opinions that partners can take on such questions.  For example, some couples who place high value on personal freedom are happily married and some are not. Happily married partners differ on scores of important values and priorities, but they have one thing in common: They avoid assuming that their partner's values, priorities or opinions are wrong, and instead assume that there are many potentially legitimate ways to live life. 

People destined to succeed understand that if you assume the worst of your partner, you'll get the worst from your partner.  Instead they give their partners the benefit of the doubt; they assume that there is a legitimate reason for their partner's words or actions, even if they don't know what it is yet.

In contrast, when people are destined to fail in their relationships are faced with words or actions from their partners that are upsetting to them, they assume that their partners are acting this way becaue they have misguided reasoning, priorities, motivations or intentions, or that their partners have faulty personality characteristics (e.g., "My partner is just lazy, controlling, insensitive," etc.).

Many of us grow up feeling that we don't have the right to be upset with someone unless that person did something wrong.  So, when we find ourselves upset we tend to automatically assume that the other person did something wrong--otherwise, we wouldn't feel entitled to be upset.

Successful couples find a way out of this dilemma, realizing that it is normal for people to get upset with each other when their expectations are at cross-purposes.  Instead of judging and attacking each other, they articulate their respective needs or viewpoints without judgment, remain open to their partner's emotional reality, respectfully accept differences and work out an appropriate plan or response for meeting each others needs.  Nobody has to be wrong.    Jim Covington