RECOVERING FROM INFIDELITY

As a marriage counselor for three decades, some of the deepest despair I have witnessed in marriages has been the result of infidelity. Affairs shatter trust and consequently many lose hope that the marriage can be saved or even want to save it.

However, it's important to know that, no matter how bleak things might seem, it's possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. Not always, but I have seen marriages healed and unfaithful spouses forgiven.  It's not easy- there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but  years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster. Good, professional counseling is often needed along the way. Below are some basic pointers about affairs and steps to be taken in the healing process:

*Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track.

*The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair (sexual or emotional or online) and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse.

*Honesty is the most important factor in rebuilding the marriage. The future possibilities for the marriage are not determined by what happened in the affair; they are determined by what happens after the affair is known. Specifically, it's determined by the degree to which the one who had an affair is willing to be honest and answer all their spouse's questions about the affair.

*The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again.

*Affairs are less about love and more about boundaries.  Affairs can happen in good marriages.

*The major attraction in an affair is NOT the love partner but the positive mirroring of the self --"the way I look when I see myself in the other person's eyes."

*The conventional wisdom is that the person having an affair isn't "getting enough" at home. That may be true, but often the truth is, the person isn't giving enough.

*Most people think that talking about the affair with the spouse will only create more upset, but that is actually the way to rebuild intimacy.

 *The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much
empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain they have caused.

If you would like to read more about the whys of affairs and the challenge of healing your marriage after infidelity, I suggest you read the page on infidelity on my website homepage:

                             www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/infidelity.html 

Stepping Into the Puddle

I help couples step into the puddle with each other. That phrase is not original with me.  I picked it up in a book I read a few years ago entitled How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Steven Stosny and Patricia Love.  I don’t know the origin of that phrase but it often feels like the helpful thing to say to couples, or teach them, and yes, do from time to time in my own marriage.

Last week in my office during a counseling session, Kim said tearfully to her husband, “Sam you just don’t get me! You don’t listen. You just tell me what I should do to feel better…to get over it! And that just makes me feel worse!”

So I said to Sam, “I think Kim just wants you to step into the puddle with her….you know what I mean?”  I had already talked with them about the puddle business, but I was shocked by his genuine response: “Oh, just step into the puddle?  Oh yeah. I can do that…..I’m sorry, honey. I’m so sorry….I understand how you feel.”  Amazing! Especially for a guy!  He got it!  And she said, “Yeah, that’s all I need to hear from you—I mean “feel from you.”

Another phrase for this is “emotional attunement,” which is literally tuning in to the emotional state of another. That’s what it means to step in the puddle with your mate. It can be the cure-all for disconnection.

So here’s what the puddle means: Be there with your partner’s feelings. For the moment, your spouse is in a puddle (of feelings).  Don’t ignore the feelings or try to “fix it,” or try to drag him or her out of it.

Believe me, this is important, especially for women.  Over 70 % of divorce is initiated by women who think their husbands don’t care about how they feel!

Some might think “stepping into the puddle” and absorbing all those negative feelings from one’s spouse could be overwhelming!  Besides, you don’t want to treat each other like babies. Well if you think that, you don’t get it. Emotional attunement is being present with each other as human beings.

There are good reasons for stepping into the puddle:  The first is that it forges a closer connection –you do far more to build intimacy and trust by helping each other with negative emotions than by sharing only positive ones.   Second , failing to connect with your distressed partner can make it harder for her/him to transform negative feelings than if you weren’t there at all.  The third reason stepping into the puddle is important for intimacy, is that you promised to do it!  Right?  Yes, you made an implicit promise to each other that you would always “care” when the other feels bad.

I’ll write it again: Be there with her/him/each other.  Don’t ignore it. Don’t fix it.  Don’t tell her/him what to do or try to drag her/him out of it. If you’re just there with each other a short time, the two of you can usually step out of the puddle together.  Feeling connected. Heard. Seen. Only then can you move on and maybe solve things and feel loved the way you want to feel loved.

Trust--The Foundation of Happy Marriages

Yes, love, intimacy, respect, good communication are all important aspects of happy marriages. But ultimately it all comes down to trust. On their wedding day, couples proclaim a promise to be there for each other. That promise is the foundation of their trust in each other.

What is trust?  John Gottman has written a new book entitled The Science of Trust. From his research on the subject he found that happier couples, for whom trust was not missing, described the concept of “trust” as the mysterious quality that somehow created safety, security and openness for both of them.  Trust was the seemingly indefinable condition that made their relationship safe and made it possible for them to be vulnerable with each other. Their trust thereby deepened their love.

On the other hand, Gottman found that many distressed couples complained that their partners simply couldn’t be counted on to “be there” for them when they needed them most.  Over time, they said, the emotional injuries they sustained from a lack of trust built a huge gulf of emotional distance between them, leading to eventual betrayal.

Trust can be betrayed in several ways.  Infidelity- either sexual or emotional--is the obvious betrayal.  Secrets, lies, deceptions, coalition with others against the partner, betrayals by disinterest, abuse and disrespect are all symptomatic of a broken trust. In other words, as trust erodes, marital conflict will increase.

Gottman writes that turning away, not “being there’ for each other, is the atom of distrust. It is the unavailability or the unresponsiveness (or turning against) of a partner when the other is in need of understanding, support, comfort and love.

Susan Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, proclaims that to feel safe with our life partner and lover, both partners need to attach securely to each other.   I interpret that to mean: feeling safe in a relationship means “being there” for each other during important moments.  It means “turning toward each other,” making eye contact, listening, responding and being present. It means being “emotionally attuned.”

There are many reasons why couples stop “being there” for each other, more than I can address here.  But if you are persistently feeling that your spouse is unavailable or non-responsive to your emotional needs, if you are feeling isolated, you should address this right away with your spouse.  Don’t avoid the issue.  Avoidance will only lead to more distance and conflict.  And if a conversation doesn’t help, I advise that you seek professional help, sooner, rather than later. With the right conversation or the right help, I do believe that trust can be restored, regenerated.

Again, trust is the ground of a happy marriage.  Ask the questions: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Do you need me?  How you answer those questions may be a measure of the trust you presently feel in your relationship.

The Good Marriage

Based on the research, this is what we know about good marriages:

1.  Happily married couples behave like good friends.    In other words, their relationships are characterized by respect, affection, and empathy.  They pay close attention to what’s happening in each other’s life and they feel emotionally connected.  John Gottman (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work) made an interesting discovery: spouses in happy, stable marriages made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict.  In contrast couples headed for divorce offered less than one (0.8) positive remark for every single negative remark.

2.   Happily married couples handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. They recognize that conflict is inevitable in any marriage, and that some problems never get solved, never go away.  But these couples don’t get gridlocked in their separate positions.  Instead, they keep talking with each other about conflicts.  In other words, they listen respectfully to their spouses’s perspectives without being defensive, dismissive or blaming and they find compromises that work for both sides. 

3. Happily married couples turn toward each other. Close relationships consist of a series of “emotional bids” –that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile, or a hug. You can choose to

      1. turn away, ignoring the bid

      2.  turn against, reacting with anger or hostility

      3. turn toward, showing you’re open, listening, and engaged

Research shows that habitually turning away or turning against your partner’s bids harms your marriage.  But consistently turning toward your partner strengthens emotional bonds, friendship, and romance. It means “being there” for each other.  It is the fundamental unit of emotional connection.

Marriage and The Love We Long For

In my last blog entry, When Marriage Rewires the Brain, there was one quote I inserted from the NY Times Sunday Review (March 25) article that really struck me: 

 When two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths.  We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.

It reminded me of the old Biblical adage in the Genesis creation myth when a woman and  a man first joined together to “become one flesh.”  I use to dismiss that idea of “one flesh,” as defining marriage as “losing one’s identity”, especially the woman, and giving up one’s own self, to be with another.  I believed that good marriages support the separate identities of each spouse.  I still believe that, but I have come to interpret the “one flesh” phrase differently. 

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, writes: Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another.  Isolation is devastating to the human psyche.  That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.  At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another.  Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

I agree, and that need is what I now believe was actually being addressed in the biblical verse—“becoming one flesh.”  That did not mean that individuals would lose their identity; it meant that they would enter into each other’s lives in a deep and intimate way. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.

But I also know that this kind of love is not the romantic kind, or the passionate kind that we first experience in the courtship stage.  No, this love is an intentional love, one where you conscientiously and tenderly choose to express your needs, to connect, touch, nurture, understand, appreciate, support, apologize and forgive (except when there is abuse and repeated betrayal).  This is the love you choose to express when differences will inevitably bring you pain and fear and tempt you to build walls. The pain and fear are usually expressed through anger and criticism and distancing…..  But real love, the deepest, mature love, -the love we long for-calls the married couple to “turn toward” each other and be “present” with each other, and “become one flesh.”  Unfortunately it is not always easy to love this way and too often, couples choose-and it is a choice- to demonize each other, “turn away” and inevitably become strangers in the night.      

I welcome your comments. Jim Covington   

When Marriage Rewires the Brain

A recent  NY Times Sunday Review (March 25) featured an essay entitled, The Brain On Love. The author, Diane Ackerman, writes about recent discoveries in the field of interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB).  IPNB, developed by Dan Siegel and Allan Schore, is a relatively new approach to exploring the brain and how it is directly impacted by life experiences throughout our lives.  Ackerman focuses mainly on the impact of relationships on our brains, and in particular, marriage.  To share with you, I have excerpted a few segments which I found most impactful from Ackerman’s commentaryl:

….All relationships change the brain — but most important are the intimate bonds that foster or fail us…..
….As the most social apes, we inhabit a mirror-world in which every important relationship, whether with spouse, friend or child, shapes the brain, which in turn shapes our relationships……… It’s not that care-giving changes genes; it influences how the genes express themselves as the child grows.
….Does it also promote physical well-being? 'Scientific studies of longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and even wisdom,' Dr. Siegel says, 'point to supportive relationships as the most robust predictor of these positive attributes in our lives across the life span.'
….When two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths……………. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.
….But a loving touch is enough to change everything. James Coan, a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, conducted experiments in 2006 in which he gave an electric shock to the ankles of women in happy, committed relationships. Tests registered their anxiety before, and pain level during, the shocks.

Then they were shocked again, this time holding their loving partner’s hand. The same level of electricity produced a significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. In troubled relationships, this protective effect didn’t occur. If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.

However, it’s not all sub rosa. One can decide to be a more attentive and compassionate partner, mindful of the other’s motives, hurts and longings. Breaking old habits isn’t easy, since habits are deeply ingrained neural shortcuts, a way of slurring over details without having to dwell on them.  Couples often choose to rewire their brains on purpose, sometimes with a therapist’s help, to ease conflicts and strengthen their at-one-ness. (My underline, of course.)

……Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain. 

 Read the entire essay at http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/the-brain-on-love/?scp=1&sq=On%20love&st=cse

Intimate Conversations

In his latest book, The Science of Trust, John Gottman informs us that couples who have a high degree of trust, share their worlds with each other. They give each other their undivided attention—not sitting together and watching TV or texting someone, but looking at each other and talking with the TV off.  They have intimate conversations. They are being “present” with each other.  They don’t have to be long conversations, but long enough….The conversations don’t have to be only about relationship issues but also about whatever is going on in one’s life outside the marriage. Intimate conversations create a strong emotional connection, which is the basis for intimate trust and personal sex.  Gottman writes: “There are four things I observe as characteristic of intimate conversations:

            1. Being able to identify in words what one is feeling

            2. Asking one’s partner open-ended questions

            3. Using statements that follow up on the answers to these questions by probing for a deeper understanding of one’s partner’s thought and feelings, and

            4. Using statements of compassion and empathy to express understanding of one’s partner’s thoughts and feelings."    In other words:

      ---Don't wait too long without saying what’s bothering you or what you need from your spouse, but don’t speak with a blaming tone. If we wait too long, when we do bring something up, we are usually feeling angry and critical, which of course makes it difficult for your spouse to respond with any kind of openness or understanding. Tune into your body and describe how you are feeling with a desire to feel heard, known and understood by your partner.

       ---We can’t just talk; we also have to listen with undivided attention. We may not agree at the moment with a single word that our spouse says, but we need to keep our mouth shut  and not interrupt and let him/her say it and then take a genuine interest in understanding his/her point of view.

         ---We must listen for and respect the feelings as well as the facts.  Ask yourself: “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”  Then check it out, like: “It sounds to me like you’re disappointed that I didn’t ________” or “It sounds like you’re pretty upset that your boss _______>”   That kind of question gives your spouse a chance to clarify and it also indicates that you are listening intently.  It never helps when your husband tells you he’s feeling ignored, if you say in return:  “you can’t possibly feel that way” or “can’t you see I’m busy!.”  Or it never helps when your wife complains that she’s feeling put down, if you respond: “That’s absurd.”  And it doesn’t help if you are sharing something about your day while your spouse is reading email on his IPad. In other words, it is important that we truly be present and listen and acknowledge how our spouse feels and really try to understand what is causing that feeling...and having an intimate conversation.