As a marriage counselor for three decades, some of the
deepest despair I have witnessed in marriages has been the result of
infidelity. Affairs shatter trust and consequently many lose hope that the
marriage can be saved or even want to save it.
However, it's important to know that, no matter how bleak things might seem, it's possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. Not always, but I have seen marriages healed and unfaithful spouses forgiven. It's not easy- there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster. Good, professional counseling is often needed along the way. Below are some basic pointers about affairs and steps to be taken in the healing process:
*Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track.
*The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair
(sexual or emotional or online) and do whatever it takes to win back the trust
of his or her spouse.
*Honesty is the most important factor in rebuilding the marriage. The future possibilities for the marriage are not determined by what happened in the affair; they are determined by what happens after the affair is known. Specifically, it's determined by the degree to which the one who had an affair is willing to be honest and answer all their spouse's questions about the affair.
*The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to
manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort
out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs
to change so that it never happens again.
*Affairs are less about love and more about boundaries. Affairs can happen in good marriages.
*The major attraction in an affair is NOT the love partner but the positive mirroring of the self --"the way I look when I see myself in the other person's eyes."
*The conventional wisdom is that the person having an affair isn't "getting enough" at home. That may be true, but often the truth is, the person isn't giving enough.
*Most people think that talking about the affair with the spouse will only create more upset, but that is actually the way to rebuild intimacy.
*The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much
empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain they have caused.
If you would like to read more about the whys of affairs and the challenge of healing your marriage after infidelity, I suggest you read the page on infidelity on my website homepage:
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