Best Way To Approach Your Partner When ANGRY

.One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to be nice to your partner when you’re upset with them. It’s also one of the most important moments to be kind. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who start arguments gently are more likely to manage conflict effectively, without harming the relationship. In fact, it is in these moments that Dr. Gottman can predict the success or failure of the relationship with over 90% accuracy.

Dr. Julie Gottman explains that, “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

The Vow of Kindness

Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument, rather, it is about your mindful and considerate behavior throughout your relationship. When we enter into a committed relationship, most of us make some sort of declaration  – a promise or a vow  – that we will uphold our partner and care for them. We also make a secondary promise: that we will be our best selves ,  full of integrity and hope for a successful future.

The act of not choosing kindness is therefore doubly hurtful – to our partners and to ourselves – because it undercuts our efforts for growth and the potential for greater intimacy.

Despite the difficulties of daily life, partners are in charge of their own behavior. While a couple grows together, they are not precluded from growing as individuals as well  –  in fact they must evolve as individuals in order to continually bring their “best selves” to their partner.

Kindness Begets Kindness

How can you cultivate a habit of kindness in your relationship? Below are 3 powerful tips that you can put into action right now, regardless of where your partner is on their journey:

1. Think good thoughts
We are wired to feel how we repeatedly think. Thinking positive thoughts about your partner will make it easier for you to think more positive thoughts, and to speak and behave positively towards them. In order to get into the habit of being kind, you must practice the thoughts as well as the actions.

Remind yourself of the nice things your partner has done each day. Noticing the good things about your partner helps to keep you in what Dr. John Gottman calls the Positive Sentiment Override. It is a sense of hopeful well-being that arises from a positive thoughts and positive interactions.

2. Accept responsibility
Take responsibility for assessing your own feelings before presenting them to your partner. Whereas anger and frustration are legitimate emotions, further exploration might reveal that in fact you feel annoyed or sad about a situation. Perhaps upon reflection you find that in fact you felt abandoned or that your dreams are not being acknowledged. Being able to accurately pinpoint your feelings will help you to convey them in a kinder, gentler tone to your partner.

You might think it is more authentic to say exactly what’s on your mind without filtering anything for your partner, but consider that once they are hurt, it is harder for them to connect with you empathically

3. Let hope win
Have faith in the relationship and in your commitment. Even though you will have ongoing arguments with you partner, focus on your friendship. I see couples in my office who want to “solve” their issues first before going out for an ice cream or relaxing over dinner. It’s not possible to solve problems with someone you don’t want to collaborate with.

Kindness Allows You to be Heard

Ultimately, kindness serves your expression of difficult emotions by offering your partner the capacity to really hear you. Even if you are angry, in order to approach your partner effectively you must be kind. If you’ve paved the way for your partner to be open to you, they are more likely to hear your frustration and respond with compassion. Kindness gets your needs met.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

Proactive Ways to Create a Good Marriage: Talk and Touch

Talk and Touch!  Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's marriage.)  The song does make a good point about how to succeed in marriage.

The song's ultimate point is that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow.  Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that is most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.

You want to save your marriage?  At least you know WHAT you want.  The only question left is HOW.  HOW will you restore your marriage?

It happen through ACTIONS.  But what Actions?

I suggest trying a Talk Charge  and a Touch Charge.

A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON LOGISTICAL matter.  It's a fun or frivolous chat.  And you do NOT need your spouses' cooperation. If necessary, you talk, they listen. A voice mail can even work.

A Touch Charge is similar but it uses touch instead of talk.  A Touch Charge is a loving physical gesture with your spouse.  It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connection in that moment. If one of you is resistant, let me know and we can talk about that.

The point is this: if you can establish Right Habits and do them consistently--talk and touch everyday, for example, you will probably begin to feel more connected.

You can't turn your marriage around with one Herculean event.  There's no gift you can give, favor you can o, or letter you can write.  When your marriage is on the rocks, it's common to want to "microwave" it better.  But you can't . There's no quick fix.  There's no one thing you can do or say that will turn things around.  It took you years to get into this mess; it's going to take time for you to get out of it.  And what's the way out? Listen carefully.

Failed marriages eventually succeed because at least one spouse commits to doing SMALL THINGS in great ways over and extended period of time.

Do you want REAL change in your marriage.  Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY and genuinely. Talk and touch everyday. If you are interested in reading the 50 ways, go to my blog post following this one. My challenge to you is to pick 3 or 4 Talk Charge and Touch Charge out of the list you really want to focus on and do. REMINDER: Go to the next blog post to read the 50 ways......  Jim Covington

50 Examples of Talking and Touching

     Fifty Ways to Talk and Touch.......I know, 50 ways is a lot.  Some of them may feel too awkward.  Choose 3 or 4 that you feel drawn to and begin practice with your mate until you are not just doing homework but actually feeling a connection. It may happen right away, or it may take a few days. Then come back and perhaps choose a couple of more ways to talk, touch, and connect with your spouse.               Jim Covington

       1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's decisions.

       2. Share dessert with one fork.

       3. What was "Your song" when you were dating?  Call your spouse and sing it to them.

       4. Surprise visit your spouses at their office or home and give them a kiss...and then leave.

       5. Play footsie next time you sit together.

       6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your spouse.

       7. Ask how your spouse's day went....and really listen.

       8. Kiss your spouse upon waking.

       9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping.

     10. Caress your spouses' hand.

     11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while driving.

'    12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each other.

     13. Sit on  your spouse's lap or sit them on yours.

     14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing.

     15. Call your spouse out of the blue to them them know you are thinking of them.

     16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage.

     17. Share a story from the news or your day that you though was interesting.

     18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's looking.

     19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all over again you'd choose them.

     20. Share a problem--thank your spouse for their concern.

     21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in bed.

     22. Fall asleep holding hands.

     23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time they leave the house.

     24. Call you spouse at work with the latest news.

     25. Have a tickle "fight".

     26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake your recently mad.

     27. Think of 3 ways your spouse had made you a better person...tell them now.

     28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite physical trait.

     29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud.

     30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of your gaze...share your feelings.

     31. Share what you most admire about your spouse.

     32. Have a "remember when?" moment.

     33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a challenging time in your life.

     34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you are in the same room.

     35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce.

     36. Hold hands under the table.

     37. Brush you mate's hair out of his/her eyes.

     38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him with love.

     39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch her with love.

     40. Knead the same dough together.

     41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking.

     42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability to over come a problem.

     43. Listen to your spouse's worries--ask how you can help.

     44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ...deliver it with a kiss.

     45. Send your spouse a fax with your special "code words" for I Love You!

     46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock...wake them with a message.

     47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while he/she is reading.

     48. Before parting tell your spouse you can't wait to see him/her again.

     49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt anyone.

     50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping.

CONTEMPT.....and The Four Rules for a Better America

I recently read an article by John Gottman (relationship research psychologist) about contempt and I want to share it with you not only because of contempt's devastating effect in marriages, but also in the politics of our country.

According to Gottman, contempt is the most harmful communication style in relationships.  Contempt is belittling and disrespectful.  Contempt mocks others with sarcasm and ridicule and assumes a position of moral superiority.

How can you be so stupid?    You're such a loser!

You're tired? !  Cry me a river. I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games.  I don't have time to deal with another kid.  Could you be any more pathetic?

In recant years, contempt has become the predominant style of communication in our politics.  I am now reading a recently published book entitled Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt(Arthur C. Brooks). Interestingly, John Gottman has also addressed this issue as manifested in our political landscape.  From political debates on television to comment threads on social media, we see people treating each other with contempt all the time.  The dialogue has become "us" vs "them."  And that deludes us into thinking we're better than other people.  It's dangerous.

We can start political reconciliation by talking about our shared why instead of our divided what. In John Gottman's words, strong relationships are the basis of a stable society. And based on that statement, Gottman offers his Four Rules for a Better America.  From this perspective, these are the things you can do to stitch America back together while still maintaining your points of views.

Rule 1: Focus on  other people's distress and focus on it empathically.
Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, an essential quality for successful relationships.  You don't have to agree with someone to empathize with them.

Rule 2: Keep your positive vs negative comments and interactions at a ratio of 5:1
Hmmm....You have the power to do this.  The positive things you say versus the criticisms that you level should be at a 5:1 ratio at least.  That means five affirming, praising, and loving tweets and Facebook comments for every critical one.

Rule 3: Avoid contempt with everybody, all the time.
No exceptions.  It's bad for you and it's bad for the country if you treat anybody with contempt.

Rule 4: Learn to cooperate and have dialogue with those of whom you disagree. 
See out and be around people who are different that you are.  Before you speak, see if you understand what the speaker before you has said.  Listen to understand, and then frame your rebuttal.

If we all follow these rules, together, we can make ours a better country.

                       Jim Covington, www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com
                                              jimcoving1@aol.com

THE AFFAIR-PRONE MARRIAGE

One of the more traumatic experiences in marriages is infidelity and I don't us the word "traumatic" lightly.  Healing and forgiveness are possible, but it will take time and commitment.

Research points to certain characteristics that are most often linked to infidelity.  Some of these factors have to do with the individual. Being raised in a family where having affairs is considered normal is one example.

Having the type of personality that values excitement and risk taking over marital stability is another.

Your social environment also has a big impact.  If you're surrounded by coworkers and friends who believe that affairs are OK, you're less likely to stay true to your partner.

The nature of you marriage is an important factor as well.  People who feel angry and emotionally distant from their spouses are more likely to look outside the marriage for a sense of closeness.

In her book "Not Just Friends," Shirley Glass presents a compelling description of the way many happily married people unwittingly make their marriages vulnerable to affairs.  The problem often starts when coworkers form secret emotional attachment to each other by crossing small boundaries that are needed to protect their marriages.  Glass asserts that in a committed relationship, ca couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them up.l

Couples in conflict-avoiding marriages may especially be prone to affairs, according to Glass's analysis.  This is because when something occurs in a conflict avoiding couple's life that raises new issues (a baby is born, or one spouse is stressed at work) the partner avoids expressing difficult feelings or stating new needs in order to "keep the peace."  But this lack of sharing can cause one or both partners to fee lonely.

Meanwhile, the lonely partner may happen to have an intense conversation with somebody outside the marriage.  This partner may know on a gut level that they should let their spouse in on this development and the feelings it brings up.  They could say something like "I have the most intense conversation with Chris at the office today.  And it made me realize that you and I haven't talked like that in a long time and that worried me.  But as we know, a revelation like this may lead to a heated argument--so the lonely partner puts off discussing the situation.  And as a result he or she now has a secret.

Couples who want to heal the damage that affairs created usually benefit from working with a marriage counselor.  Several studies have shown that marital therapy can be quite effective in helping couples to recover from an affair.  My own work has shown that shared therapy can create a safe space for the betrayed partner to express pain and get the answers he or she needs.  At the same time a trained therapist can steer that partner away from expression of rage that would he harmful to their relationship.  Instead the couple focuses on communication that helps to rebuild feelings of fondness, admiration and therefore, renewed and deepened emotional connection.

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

How To Address the Inevitable Conflicts in Marriage

   Try to remember: Conflict happens in every relationship, and it's a myth to believe that in a happy relationship you'll get along all the time.  Relationship conflict serves a purpose.  It's an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your differences.

    A happy relationship isn't the result of having a lot of things in common--as we often think.  It comes from knowing how to address your core differences in a way that supports each other's need and dreams.  This is how trust is sustained.  Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on.  Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.

    According to the Gottman research, it is a myth that happily married people don't complain about each other's behavior.  We all have our own idiosyncratic needs, desires, rhythms, and habits.  And these needs are bound to collide, producing strong emotions.

    Constantly stifling your complaints is not a good idea.  Doing so can cause you to hold on to angry, resentful feelings toward your partner.  You may develop a state of mind we call "negative sentiment override," where your bad thoughts about your partner override any positive thoughts about them.  You may then begin to stockpile your grievances.  Your negative feelings fester and grow resulting in one of two outcomes:  You either distance yourself emotionally to avoid the pain or you lash out.,  Either alternative leads to further emotional distance.

    There is an alternative to either stifling or exploding, however.  Partners can learn to express their needs (i.e., complain) in ways that are respectful(in tone), clear, and specific.  When you do this, your partner is more likely to hear your complain and respond to it if you express it in this way and complaining in a healthy way actually helps to solve problems, build intimacy and strengthen the relationship.

    Examples: (from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, John and Julie Gottman)

    Healthy Complaining: We haven't been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget. What do you think?  Harmful Complaining: You know why we haven't had a vacation for two years??  Because you don't save....you waste our money on stupid things all the time, on things for yourself!

    Healthy Complaining:  You know, I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together, and you invited your mother.  I love your mother, but I have to admit I feel a little hurt and disappointed. Can we try another evening? Harmful Complaining:  I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together and you invited your mother!! How can you be such a clueless, insensitive dolt?!

    Healthy Complaining: Pick a time to complain about the problem when your partner can listen and respond.  Harmful Complaining: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children.

    In summary: Complain without criticizing and look for the longing in each other's complaints.  Then express and accept appreciation for the empathetic understanding.     Jim Covington

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

Resisting the Urge to Blame

Blaming may feel good in the moment, but the effects can be disastrous.  Even if you feel angry at your partner, it doesn't mean that your words should be harsh or critical.  In fact, in order to get your message across, it's vital to avoid blaming via criticism or contempt.  While expressing anger or blame can get your point across, it will also erode your intimate bond.

If you attack with criticism, your partner will likely become defensive and blame you right back.  They may also get flooded and be unable to focus on the discussion and cause it to escalate.

Conversations like this eventually create emotional distance because the more critical and contemptuous you are, the more you will chip away at your friendship.  Choosing your words and emotions with care is not easy.  It takes practice, but once you start using this approach, it can repair and actually strengthen your bond over time.

So the next time you get angry, stop and think about why you're angry.  Is it because you're embarrassed? Worried? Feeling alone and/or rejected?  Tell you partner what you feel and what you need.  Learning to recognize when anger isn't really what you're feeling is a skill used by emotionally intelligent couples(John Gottman).

For example, this is how Ruth feels after h husband bailed on their date night?

I'm so angry at you.  You always cancel on me to meet up with your friends. You make me feel so small and unimportant.

The key emotion here is feeling unimportant.  Once she identifies this, she can communicate in such a way that her partner can understand her.

Ruth: Is this a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind?  STEVE:  It is.

Ruth: I feel unimportant when we make plans and you cancel them. I am sure you don't mean to make me feel that way.  Can we make time this week to do something together?

By focusing on your feelings beneath the anger, you welcome your partner to offer empathy and make a repair instead of becoming defensive.  Instead of starting a fight, you're starting a respectful dialogue about your feelings.  You are also asking your partner to be on your team.

Couples who understand that respect, kindness and love are more effective than harshness and criticism are what Dr. John Gottman calls The Masters of Relationships. 

The Importance of Emotional Validation

Distressed relationships are full of invalidation and low in validation, while happy and successful relationships include heavy doses of validation and little invalidation.

What is emotional validation?  Have you ever wished when you are upset about something that your partner would just listen rather than jump in and try to solve the problem or argue with you or say nothing?  Validation between partners is the communication of understanding and acceptance.   When we respond in a validating way, we communicate that we understand a person's experience (emotions, desire, pin, thoughts) or actions and accept them  You may not agree with your partner's view, but what's important is that you understand your partner's emotions.  Validation has something in common with empathy (understanding the other person's experience), but it also requires clear communication of that understanding.

Why is validation important? Responding to your partner's disclosures with validation or empathy communicates that you are paying attention, interested in your partner's experience (wants, emotions, thoughts) and understanding his or her experience.  Validation communicates that you are not interested primarily in arguing or interested primarily in being right (and your partner being wrong). Validation helps the other person express himself or herself accurately, which in turn facilitates your further understanding.

Validation soothes emotions. There is something very basic about being understood and accepted.  When someone we love communicates that she or he understands and accepts what we are thinking, how we are feeling, what we are wanting, we feel relieved, comforted and soothed.

Validation builds trust and closeness.  Couples who have had a lot of disagreement and regularly have invalidated each other typically develop a virtually instant, hair-trigger alert to the possibility of the other partner invalidating them.  This clearly communicates mistrust that your disclosures and expressions will b valued and understood and accepted.  The good news is that with validation, mistrust evaporates and trust builds.  In addition, when partners feel understood,valued, and accepted, they naturally feel close to each other. 

Two Ways of Being Together

Passively Together:  Even partners who are unhappy in their relationship and engage in a lot of conflict typically spend a lot of time in each other's presence, physically being in the same house or the same room, or at the same table, or sleeping in the same bed.  Yet, during these times, they may not interact with each other and more importantly, may not focus any positive attention on each other.  This an be considered being passively together.

Each of these situation  is a lost opportunity to practice being together in ways that soothe loneliness, reduce negative reactivity, and foster closeness and togetherness.  In time, the passively together may become a mostly hostile together because of the growing emotional distance and loneliness.

Actively Together: Alternately, you can be aware of each other's presence, notice what each other is doing, and feel a lot more collaborative and a lot closer emotionally whenever you are in close physical proximity.  Being actively together means occupying the same emotional space, letting your judgments and criticisms go(at least temporarily), and allowing yourself to appreciate or enjoy each other's company.

For example: 1.  The next time you are eating a meal with your partner, take a few seconds every few minutes to notice and take in that your partner is there, eating, sitting, being together with.

2. I you fall asleep after your partner or wake up before he or she does, take a few seconds to notice that you are in bed together, sharing the same bed, same blankets and each other's body warmth.  Just notice how it feels to be lying and sleeping together(even if you are not touching each other in any way), rather than sleeping alone in the same bed.

3. When you both are doing things around the house, (doing chores, getting ready for your day, getting ready for bed, reading the newspaper), take a few seconds to be aware of your partner, notice what she or he is doing and that you are together in your life.,  Making soft eye contact will deepen the connection even more.,

In other words, being mindfully aware of and present with each other, paying attention, even silently, can help nurture and strengthen your emotional bond--without which no marriage can be very fulfilling.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry......     Jim Covington

The Problem of Anger in Relationships

Many people argue that anger is a normative and often healthy emotion, that motivates us to stick up for our rights, values, boundaries, and helps protect us in dangerous situations.  This all may be true in addressing societal issues.  But there is a very corrosive aspect to anger in close relationships that often overshadow any possible benefits.

In relationships, feeling angry means having increased negative emotional arousal; this in turn churns out judgments. Judgments then increase arousal which produces more judgments, which leads to inaccurate and ineffective expression of emotions and desires, which then results in misunderstanding and conflict, which rarely leads to effective changes.  Thus, angry feelings and angry expressions in close relationships almost always create distance, and distance is the enemy of closeness and intimacy.  So, what is the alternative when you don't like something?

In a word: Description.  Description has the power to defuse this destructive cycle of judgments, negative arousal, misunderstanding, and conflict. If we can describe the situation, describe our inner reactions (emotions, wants, disappointments) most often our emotions will be soothed and we will return to a more balanced perspective and then act effectively(Nhat Hanh).  The benefit of anger is that it is easy to notice, and noticing anger can become a signal or alarm that we are going down a destructive path.  We can learn to notice this alarm and can respond by first, reorienting our attention to look for judgments; second, letting judgments go; and third, turning our attention to description instead.

For example, my wife is very busy with travels and meetings and sometimes I get angry because she is so busy with other matters.  Sometimes, I feel she is emotionally unavailable and begin to feel lonely.  So if I say to her: "Suzanne, you are so emotionally absent with me.  You don't ever think of me.  You're in your own world.  What is wrong with you?  Everybody comes first. I always come last.  You should see a therapist!"  But when I said that to her, she did not want to spend more time with me!  She just got defensive and argued with me!

So one day, following John Gottman's description of "softened start up" I said (describing to her): "You know, I have been feeling lonely lately.  I know you have a lot on your plate (kind acknowledgement), but I guess to be honest, I just need more of you.  A couple of weeks ago when we sat down after dinner and talked about our day, that really felt nice.  I just need more of you.  I really miss you."  And guess what?  She turned to me and said "I'm sorry, sweetie.  I didn't mean to be so absent, but I understand.  I guess I kind of feel that way too. So, you know what, let's do it now!"       

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.......  Jim Covington

The "Good Enough" Relationship

     Do you have a good enough relationship? What’s that? It sounds like settling for less than best.  However, through my counseling approach, I see myself actually encouraging couples to strive for the “good enough” relationship.

    In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they’re treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal.

This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict can actually be healthy, if you know how to deal with conflict, because it leads to greater understanding.

    People should not expect to solve all of the problems in their relationship, either. John Gottman has discovered in his research almost ⅔ of relationship conflict is perpetual. As Dr. Dan Wile (After The Fight) says, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”

   That doesn’t mean that you settle for being treated poorly. In his empirically-based theory, John Gottman describes what couples in the good enough relationship do and have. They are good friends. They trust one another, and are fully committed to one another. They have a satisfying sex life. They can manage conflict constructively. That means they can arrive at mutual understanding and get to compromises that work. And they can repair effectively when they hurt one another.

They honor one another’s dreams, even if they’re different. They create a shared meaning system with shared values and ethics, beliefs, rituals, and goals. They agree about fundamental symbols like what a home is, what love is, and how to raise their children.

Expect that. You deserve it. It’s not unreasonable, and it’s achievable. 

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. 

WHAT IS LOVE, REALLY?

Love is not always easy. I witness how difficult it is everyday in my work with couples. And being married, I also know love is not always easy. I am not exempt from the challenges of love either..and I'm a marriage counselor! I know that it's more than saying "I love you." It's important to say that to your partner, along with meaningful compliments and expressions of empathy and gratitude. These are good deposits in what John Gottman refers to as your emotional bank account.

But what about putting love into practice?

Bestselling author and researcher Brene Brown argues that "love is beautiful when it's professed, but it's only meaningful when it's practiced."

How do you and your partner "practice" love in your marriage in a way that creates meaning for both of you? Do you offer gifts, express appreciation, do chores around the house, intentionally spend time together, or give nonsexual physical affection?

Try this: Have a conversation with your mate about how love is expressed and practiced, both verbally and in meaningful ways and actions in your relationship. Express what you need from your partner, in a gentle manner, and seek to understand what your partner needs from you--to feel loved. Keep it simple: "Hon, I love you, but what do you need from me to feel that love?"

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry...."

The Way We Speak to Each Other When We Are Angry

The interactions that are most destructive in relationships are those that express angry criticism or impart a blaming, judgmental attitude toward one's partner.

Anger can overwhelm even the most self-reflective and self-aware person. When you are feeling blamed or criticized, even if the reasons may be valid, your pulse races and your limbic system takes over, making rational thought almost impossible.  

Anger is always expressed negatively as criticism and/or blame and it sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected(not important enough) and/or abandoned.  It makes sense that such scorn makes it infinitely harder to hold on to our mental equilibrium and emotional balance.  So we either angrily strike back defensively or withdraw and become emotionally distant.

I have often noticed that partners usually have no clue as to the real impact of their negative judgments.  Someone once said to me: "But mature adults should be able to deal with criticism.  It's really just feedback."  To which I answer: "But this is YOU giving feedback that he is disappointing you, and you are your partner's main source of safe connection.  He no longer feels safe in his most important relationship."

MESSAGE:  Blaming may feel good in the moment, but the effects can be disastrous.  While expressing anger or blame can get your point across, it will also erode your intimate bond.

The point is this: anger is often an indication of deeper feelings--feeling rejected, inadequate, dismissed, not feeling a priority, taken for granted.

So the next time you get angry, stop and think about why you're angry.

Then tell your partner what you feel and what you need in a softer tone, rather than a harsh one(John Gottman, How Marriages Succeed or Fail). For example, this is how Marge feels after her husband bailed on their date night:

After withdrawing and saying nothing for a while, in a raised voice she says: I don't believe this!  You always cancel on me to meet up with your stupid friends! Hello! Remember me!  You just think about yourself all the time! You never, ever think of me!  

The key emotion here is feeling unimportant. Once she identifies this, she can communicate in such a way that her partner can understand her.  She can then construct a more coherent and loving start-up to their conversation: 

Marge: "Is this a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind?"   
Tony: "It is."  
Marge: "I feel unimportant when we make plans and you cancel them.  I'm sure you don't mean to make me feel that way but I hope you understand.  So can we make time this week to do something together?"

In other words, speak from your own needs in a non-blaming and unapologetic tone.  Choosing your words and emotions with care is not easy.  It takes practice, but once you start using this approach, it can repair and actually strengthen you bond over time.

Born to Bond: Do You See Me?

We are born to bond.  Hence the reason humans need friendships and communities….and for most of us, a committed love relationship—a safe haven to go to and a secure base to go out from.

Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight(which I highly recommend to all couples), tells us that this secure base is sought in all love relationships.  She informs us that a silent unspoken need is the root of all solid connections: emotional presence.

Unconsciously or quietly we are always asking:  Do you see me? Are you there for me?  Do I matter? Can I tell that I’m special to you by the way that you look at me? These questions can only be answered by emotional presence.

I often hear in my work:

       She’s looking at me, but it’s like she’s looking past me.................. I know he cares, or I ‘think’  he cares and objectively I think he loves me, but he’s so checked out! So I don’t know!......................Sometimes I just want to shake him—tell him to wake up! He’s hardly ever present, it seems!

So here’s your homework:  When you see your mate today, make eye contact and let him/her know you see them.  It just takes a second. Taking that second can be one of the ways you can be present and connect.

Connection is always based on quality of presence or as John Gottman puts it: turning toward each other on a daily basis and making bids for connection by a loving gesture, loving eyes, a smile, a hug),  or  attuning to each other(You ok? How are you feeling?), or validating each other(I really understand how that made you feel…)  

And that’s how we feel seen. That’s how the bond between you is kept secure. That’s how trust remains steadfast.   Jim Covington       

Turn Off Your Stupid Smart Phones

Greetings everyone......I have some important advice:  Turn off your stupid smart phones, iPhones, cell phones, laptops, video games--whatever!  I exaggerate of course, but recent research is indicating that as electronic communication has grown, our attention span is decreasing, our intellects are weakening, and  human connections have declined. We are close electronically.  Yet we are drifting farther away from one another personally.  I read a report recently that referred to this phenomenon as phubbing.  Phubbing is the practice of snubbing others in favor of our mobile phones.  We've all been there, as either victim or perpetrator. 

The time couples are able to be "present" with one another, is crucial for feeling emotionally connected. I am not suggesting you have to be present with your partner 24/7. But being present at various times of the day with your mate is critical for fostering your connection with each other.  Otherwise, emotional distance will definitely set in, which is often the source of nagging and criticism.

Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, actually creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it. Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full non-distracted attention.

Homework:  Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time.  Suggestions:

    1. Phones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals.

     2. No taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be returned later.

     3. Set aside time to set down with each other and check in, make plans, have a conversation--without answering any calls.....  I call this a "ritual of connection."

     4.  If it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others.

THE POSITIVE NEED

After 30 years of doing couples therapy, I know that both Alexia and James are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Submerged below is the massive real issue: both partners feel emotionally disconnected.

"If Alexia would just not get so emotional and listen to my argument about our finances and the kids, we would get somewhere," James tells me.  

"Well, if James would talk more and not just shout at me and blame me, we wouldn't fight. I think we are just growing apart here."

James and Alexia are watching their back, feeling criticized, shut-out and alone. Underneath all the loud arguments and long silences, partners are asking each other key questions in the drama of love: Are you there for me? Do I and my feelings matter to you?"

We know from all the hundreds of studies on love that have emerged during the past decade that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks love relationships. Happy couples quarrel, but they also know how to tune into each other and restore emotional connection.

Our loved one is our shelter in life. When this person is unavailable and unresponsive or attacking us, we are assailed in a tsunami of emotions--anger, sadness, hurt, and above all fear. This fear is wired in. Being able to rely on a loved one, is our innate survival code.

That being said, what's a simple way to foster that wired in need for connection? I am going to suggest a way. It's fostered by a question. In a way, it seems so obvious. How could we not ask this question throughout our marriages? The question is this:

From time to time ask your partner, "What do you need from me to feel loved?"

This takes the guesswork out of marriage. It conveys to your partner that you are thinking of her/him and that you want to truly be loving and supportive. It's also an opportunity to ask for what you need, too.

John Gottman calls this the positive need.

Having needs doesn't make you needy, and you're not burdening your partner when you express your needs. You are giving them a chance to know you, tune into you, and be there for you.

Homework(obvious): Ask your partner what she/he needs from you to feel loved..

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. Jim Covington

The Best Predictor of Your Happiness Is.........

Greetings everyone......I received a report recently which I have decided to share with everyone.  For over 75 years, a team at Harvard has tracked the physical and emotional well-being of two populations:  over 700 men from both poor families and graduates from Harvard. The study included brain scans, blood samples, self-reported surveys and actual interactions. (I’m not sure why it was limited to men…but I believe the results would not be that different if women were also included.)

The conclusion:  One thing surpasses all the rest in terms of importance:  the clearest message from the 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

The biggest predictor of your happiness and fulfillment overall in life, is basically, love.

The data is also very clear that those who feel lonely are more likely to see their physical health decline earlier and die younger.

According to one of the researchers, “It’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship.  It’s the quality of your close relationships that matters.”

What that means is this: it doesn’t matter whether you have a huge group of friends or if you are in a “perfect” romantic relationship.  It’s the quality of the relationships—how much vulnerability and depth exists within them; how safe you feel sharing with one another; the extent to which you can relax and be seen for who you truly are and truly see another.

There are two foundational elements to this: “One is love.  The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.”  So it’s important to prioritize not only connection but your own capacity to process emotions and stress. 

The data is clear, that in the end, you could have all the money you’ve ever wanted, a successful career, and be in good physical health, but without loving relationships, you won’t be happy. 

So the next time you’re scrolling through Facebook  or remain glued to your phone, instead of being present at the table with your significant other, or you are staying late at the office instead of getting together with your family or close friends, consider making a different choice. 

Relationships are messy and they’re complicated.  Well, that’s life.  And according to the director of the Harvard Study, Robert Waldinger, here is the bottom line:  The good life is built with good relationships. And obviously, that includes loving marriages.

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry......    Jim Covington       

The Grass is Greener

 I recently received a post from the Gottman Institute. I liked it and have decided to share it with you. 

It's called The Grass is Greener. 

In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away. One single moment is not that important, but if you’re consistently choosing to turn away, then trust erodes. When this happens, you begin to focus on your partner’s flaws. You forget about their traits you admire and value. Eventually you start making what researcher Caryl Rusbult calls “negative comparisons.” You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, “I can do better.” Invest in your marriage instead. Express appreciation for each other. Brag about each other’s achievements. Say “I love you” every day. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. (And even if the grass looks dead, it may still be possible to restore it to green, if you water it.....) If you are interested in reading further about how to "water the grass," go to https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-grass-is-greener-where-you-water-it/?utm_source=Marriage+Minute&utm_campaign=c72a1c493b-MM_08312017&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_56abe07ac5-c72a1c493b-135378145

Compassion: The Essence of a Loving Relationship

When couples have compassion for each other, here is what they hear from each other in words and actions: I'm interested in you....... I hear you........I understand how you feel.....I'm with you......I'd like to help you (whether I can or not).....I'd like to be with you (whether I can or not)....I accept you (even if I don't accept all your behavior).

 

When marriages end, the final rupture is usually not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity.  Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.

 

Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another.  Compassion is empathy.  Compassion is experienced as attunement, i.e., the feeling that your partner is there for you. At heart compassion is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.  Compassion is love.  Love is an act, not just a feeling.  Compassion is the antidote for criticism and contempt.

 

Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds which are the ground of strong, healthy marriages.  Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person?  Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.

 

Most of what you really fight about in your relationship is not money or sex or in-laws, or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt.  What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel.  When someone you love is not compassionate, if feels like abuse.

 

As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble.  That's why most of the time, the problems couples fight about are not the issue.  The issue is the lack of felt compassion in their relationship.  If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment builds and will inevitably turn into contempt.

 

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.       Jim Covington              

The Worst Kind of Communication

John Gottman writes about four types of communication that are most detrimental to marital or committed relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling..  Of the four, he names contempt as the most toxic and predictor of divorce. Based on my own observations, I agree with him.  

Contempt expresses the feeling of dislike toward somebody, and implies that the other person is considered worthless and undeserving of respect. Contempt projects superiority, conveyed through insults, name-calling, tone of voice, as well as facial expressions. Contempt eats away at a relationship rapidly and painfully. Conflict escalates and prevents meaningful communication. What separates contempt from criticism?  The intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.

Ways to show one’s contempt

1. Insults and name-calling are the most conspicuous and crude—you’re ugly, a jerk, a wimp, loser,  etc.

2. Mockery is a subtle put-down, where the spouse’s words or actions are ridiculed to show he or she is not worthy of respect or trust. A man may tell his wife, for example, “I really do care about you,” and she replies sarcastically, “Oh sure, you really do care about me.”

3. Body language, such as rolling one’s eyes or sneering, gives the clearest clue that a couple is in trouble.

4. Tone of voice is probably the most powerful weapon of contempt.

Responses to contempt

What do you do if you have a partner who is harshly critical or contemptuous toward you?

     Don’t be drawn into contempt, criticism or defensiveness. You can stand up for yourself, but without joining in the sneering, ridiculing, and hostile negative judgments. 

     The best way to neutralize your contempt is to stop seeing arguments with your spouse as a way to retaliate or exhibit your superior moral stance.  Rather, your relationship will improve if you approach your spouse with precise non-blaming complaints by expressing feelings from your own inner experience (rather than attacking your partner’s character). In other words, it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference.