The Problem of Anger in Relationships

Many people argue that anger is a normative and often healthy emotion, that it motivates us to stick up for our rights, values, boundaries, and helps protect us in dangerous situations. This may be true but there is a very corrosive aspect to anger in close relationships that often overshadows any possible benefits.

In relationships, feeling angry often means having increased negative emotional arousal. This in turn churns out judgments.  Judgments then increase arousal, which produces more judgments, which leads to inaccurate and ineffective expression of emotions and desires, which then result in misunderstanding and conflict.  Judgments identify things or people or their actions as right or wrong.  One problem with making judgments is that logic tells us that things that are wrong must be stopped.  But typically the things we judge are simply things we don't like.  We want them to stop or be different but they are not necessarily wrong.

So what's the alternative?  Description has the power to defuse this destructive cycle of judgments, negative arousal, misunderstanding and conflict.  When you notice a judgment rising up in your brain or notice anger, try to describe the situation and your reaction without judging. If we can describe the situation and describe our primary emotional reactions, emotions can be soothed and it will be easier for your partner to hear you and understand why are are feeling disappointed. Your emotional reality is probably different from your partner's and so your partner may not always understand why you are hurt.  If you only express your emtional needs with an angry tone, your partner will only see(feel) your anger, feel that you are judging him/her and will either attack back defensively or withdraw.

For example, when Oscar comes home late, sometimes Joan starts feeling lonely or taken for granted. As the feeling becomes stronger, she begins to feel angry.  She starts thinking "Oscar is so inconsiderate.  He never considers or asks what I want or how I'm feeling. He is so inconsiderate!"   If she expresses that message to Oscar in that tone, when he returns home, he will probably either start a defensive argument with her or turn on the TV to escape.

However, if she described her experience, she would notice the anger getting stronger and judgmental and know that expressing it as such will just make things worse. So she might say, "You know hon, sometimes when you come home late, I really start missing you and I actually start feeling angry.  I don't know.  I guess I just need more time with you. I miss you. We are both so busy with our work and the kids.  You know what I mean?"  Chances are, Oscar will be more receptive and empathic toward Joan's feelings which might lead to a more open, intimate conversation.

One benefit of the strength of anger is that it is easy to notice and noticing anger can become a signal or alarm that we are going down a destructive path.  We can learn to notice this alarm and can respond by first, reorienting our attention to look for judgments, second, letting judgments go and not giving them power, and third, turning our attention to description instead--describing your emotions, thoughts and wants.. 

Describing is one of the most effective ways to get a more balanced place, to interrupt rising reactivity and to keep yourself from acting in ways that make things worse.  Remember this: no one can survive a marriage (at least not happily), if they feel more judged than admired.

What I Believe About Marriage and Divorce

I often work with couples who are on the brink of divorce. In those cases, the counseling I offer is often referred to as discernment counseling--working with couples to help them decide if divorce is the only option, versus working on their relationship for 3-6 months to see if it can be healed and restored.  Based on my training with the Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota, these are the principles by which I work:

What I Believe About Divorce:

• Divorce is usually an attempt to solve a problem that people think can't be solved in any other way.
• Some divorces are necessary in order to prevent further harm in a destructive relationship (emotional and physical abuse, ongoing infidelity, addictions).
• Some divorces are ultimately unavoidable because one party decides on divorce despite the wishes of the other party.
• Some people  behave destructively enough over a long time that they lose their claim on their spouse's commitment.
• However, many of today's divorces could be prevented if both parties took steps to work on their marriage before it was too late.   

What I Believe About Marriage:

• Healthy, life-long marriage has unique value for individuals, families and communities.
• Life-long commitment is especially difficult in today's throwaway, consumer oriented culture.
• Children have an important stake in the health and endurance of their parents' marriage.
• Marital commitment brings obligations to work on a troubled marriage before giving up (like, You know, I'm feeling more and more emotional distance and anger in our marriage.  I really need to talk about this with you, maybe even see a counselor to help us. Otherwise, I am concerned about how unhappy I am feeling)

What I Believe About Healing:

• Human  beings have the capacity to move past anxiety, distrust, and hostility and relate to each other from our highest selves (our core values--like compassion, faithfulness, and commitment-- even (or especially) when times are hard).
• Restoring a marriage must not come at the expense of one of the partners.  Love and fairness must go hand in hand.
• The key is whether both spouses want to restore the marriage to health.
• When both spouses devote themselves fully and with proper help to restoring their marriage to health, they can usually make it.

I married you because you gave me a promise.  

That promise made up for your faults.

 And the promise I gave you made up for mine.

Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise 
that made the marriage.

And when the children were growing up, it wasn't a house 
that protected them;

 and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.

-Thorton Wilder

The Importance of Apology in Marriage

Based on my extensive work with couples and also recent research, I have come to believe more than ever, that here is no doubt that sincere apology is absolutely essential.  Sincere apology is so essential to relationship maintenance that it can hardly be stressed too much.

It goes without saying that the most important elements of apology are sincerity and follow-through, i..e.,feel what you say and "walk the walk," and not just "talk the talk."

Research indicates that satisfying apologies are quite different for different people.  An acceptable apology for you might not work for your partner and vice versa.  Tell your partner what you need to feel reassured that the hurtful behavior is unlikely to recur.  Of course, with repeated infractions, the requirements to feel safe will be greater.

Reconciliation:  You will find it impossible to apologize sincerely or effectively if you see it as submission.  Sincere apology is never submission.  In fact, it is one of the more beautiful of human interactions: reconciliation. The primary purpose of apology is to restore eventual (not necessarily immediate) connection.  It is never to defend your ego.    Apology must not: 

• Be contingent on your partner apologizing
• Be tempered by excuses
• Have any element of blame ("It takes one to know one.")
• Seek immediate forgiveness (Trust must be restored gradually through behavior that demonstrates trustworthiness over time.)

Apology must:
           1. Come from your core value(e.g.integrity, honesty), and sympathize with the effect of your behavior
on your partner.  (In fact, use this as an opportunity to decide what your core value(s) actually is.)
           2. State how important your partner's well being is to you.
           3. State how sorry you are that you've done something to hurt your partner and/or break your connection.
           4. Offer recompense: "How can I make it up to you?"
           5. If the offense is recurring, describe an action-plan to prevent future repetition of the offending behavior (which violated your core value to the extent that it hurt your partner or your relationship).

Action plan to prevent repeating the same behavior:
           -- Identify the antecedents of the hurtful behavior--what you were thinking, feeling, and doing, as well as the state of your physical resources (e.g., hungry, tired, thirsty, headache, having consumed more that two drinks or more than two cups of coffee, or eaten too much sugar) immediately before the infraction.

            -- Give the details of how you will act differently under similar conditions in the future: "This is what I will do to remind myself how much I value you when similar conditions occur in the future."

If you're receiving an apology, don't see it as an opportunity for retaliation or revenge. (The surest way to discourage apology is to criticize or punish someone for doing it.)  If your partner's apology seems insufficient, acknowledge the repair attempt, then state what more you need to feel safe.

Mastering the art and science of apology not only does wonders for your relationship, it puts you solidly in touch with your core value.  When solidly in touch with your core value, you feel more authentic and valuable, with no need for defenses of resentment or anger.

All the best to you and your families in this season of  gratitude and thankfulness.  Have a warm Thanksgiving around the table or wherever you are with those you love.    Jim

The "Correct" Way To Criticize Your Spouse--If You Must!

In my last blog entry I wrote about how harmful criticism can be in relationships.  However there are  "constructive" ways to criticize your spouse, if you must.

When we're angry about not being heard, we may automatically resort to any number of what Harriet Lerner calls "below-the-belt" tactics.  We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and I need you to do it") to a damning generalization ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through").  Perhaps we throw a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are.") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality.") and bring in another party or two to bolster your case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees").  While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy.  And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching and blaming tone.

Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.

Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change.  It focuses on actions, not character judgments.  The "lightly  served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice.  People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice.  Or silliness can help enormously as when Mary threatened to charge her husband rent, if he kept putting his clothes on her desk.

A constructive "above the belt" complaint looks like this:  You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you.  You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch") and appreciate that there are other women in the world who wouldn't be so bothered by a husband who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration and you apologize for them....

At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ("Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?" and figure out how to compromise on your different styles.  You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction.  After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight.  You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belongings on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them.

Basically constructive criticism is expressing your needs in a straight-forward non-judgmental tone and inviting a conversation without bringing blame into it.

After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive below the belt kind) is one of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it.  This is especially true when criticism becomes contempt, i.e., conveying a tone of "superiority."

For anyone who has this intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?" 

 

DIAL DOWN THE CRITICISM

Based on my 30+ years of working with couples, I have no doubt that negative criticism is possibly the most common reason that couples begin to resent, battle and withdraw from each other. In her recent book, Marriage Rules, Harriet Lerner--author and renowned relationship expert--writes about the destructive role of criticism in all relationships.  For example, in a chapter entitled "Dial Down the Criticism", this is what she writes:

 

"A greeting card asks, 'If a man is alone in the forest with no woman to criticize him, is he still a schmuck?'  Men typically find the card funnier than women do.  'That's my experience exactly!' is a common male response.  'I can't do anything right.  I'm tired of being the target of her nagging and complaining.'

 

It's no surprise that women have a different response. 'if those poor guys are so bothered by criticism, why don't they pay attention to it?'

 

It's common for couples to reach an impasse wherein each person sees the other as the problem and believe that the only solution is for their partner to change. He thinks that she has to stop criticising him and start appreciating all the things that he does for the family.  She thinks he has to pay more attention to the needs of the kids and house, (not to mention her needs for emotional connection), without her constant reminders.  Although the pattern usually breaks down along these gender lines (distant husband/nagging wife), it doesn't always. There are always exceptions.  And same-sex couples are not immune to this marital dance.

 

It's easy to appreciate both perspectives.  It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of criticism and just as terrible to be in the role of the nagging partner whose legitimate requests are being ignored.  When we're feeling angry it's hard to take positive steps to change our part in the pattern because it seems so clear that our partner is the one who should change.

 

You're lucky if you have a partner who feels so solid, calm, and good about self that he/she can let your criticism and negativity slide by much of the time and consider the good points you are making without distancing or shutting down.  But once couples move past the honeymoon or Velcro stage of the relationship, such Zen-like forbearance is a rare commodity.  Many fine people can't tolerate much criticism or instruction from their partner, even if they truly appreciated it at the early stages of the relationship, when they felt valued and chosen.

 

If your attempts to reach your partner aren't getting through, it won't help to do more of the same.  The habit of criticism is hazardous to any relationship. Remember this:  no one can survive a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired.

When Marital Problems Lead to Intimacy

Intimacy is what most of us seek in relationships. However, there is a great misunderstanding about intimacy.  Many people think that intimacy comes from spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and having the same interests.  But intimacy comes from something entirely different.  Intimacy comes from telling your partner the main things on your mind and hearing the main things on your partner's mind.

Intimacy is the contact partners make with one another about their wishes, concerns, and problems, and, in particular, about their wishes, concerns and problems about the relationship.

Everyone knows that problems can lead to a loss of intimacy. The honey moon ends when problems begin.  Intimacy can be regained, however, by the way people solve their problems.  Here's an example:

Howard and Alice are a married couple in their early thirties.  Howard is a health care administrator and Alice is an elementary school teacher.  Alice feels resentment that Howard doesn't help more around the house. She blurts out:

Alice:  We've got a great division of labor here!  You mess the house and I clean it! 
Howard (defending himself): What are you talking about?  I do a lot around here!  And speaking about messes, take a look at your desk some time.

And they get into a fight.  This is not unusual.  One partner is sarcastic or blaming; the other is defensive and they fight.

But then Alice and Howard to something that is new. After they have the fight, they use the fight.  They use it as an introduction to a conversation and as a pathway to intimacy.  The next day, when both have cooled off, Howard comes up to Alice and talks about the fight.  He says that he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed.  He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Alice didn't seem to notice.  And he was also disappointed in himself because, now that he thinks about it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.

Suddenly Howard and Alice are having a conversation rather than an argument.  Since Alice isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself. And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.

Alice:  Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I'm still upset about it.

And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they're able to discover things.

Alice: I guess I"m upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together.  You have your own way of doing things and I have mine.  We're really very different people.  And we lead such separate lives.  I've got my job and you've got yours.  I take care of the house, even if you are helping more and you take care of the car.  Sure, we do our jobs okay but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well.  And I'm upset about that.

Howard says that he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better.

So, now Alice and Howard aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework. They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to.

If Alice and  Howard have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things, and have the same interests--they're likely to have the nightmare view that.....they're just incompatible........or getting married might have been a mistake.

The conversation is likely to bog down at this point--they don't feel there is anything more to say.  If they were to have the view of intimacy that I'm talking about however, they'd know that:  Talking about not being intimate can, itself, be an intimate act.  That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting.

So the bottom line is this: depending on how partners talk or don't talk about them, problems can lead to an increase or to a decrease in intimacy.

Couples Who Have Irresolvable Differences

In the last few weeks I have worked with couples who are struggling with core differences that appear to be irresolvable.  In one case the difference was a financial outlook: saving money vs. spending to enjoy more things.  Another was a situation where one preferred privacy/independence vs. his partner's preference for having more conversational time together.  John Gottman has found that irresolvable "perpetual" problems exist in even the healthiest of relationships due either to "lasting personality differences between partners" or "fundamental differences in lifestyle need."

In fact the overwhelming majority (69%) of couples experience perpetual problems--issues with no specific resolution.  So what can a couple do?

What is important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems.  The goal is to understand the historical basis of each partner's deeply held values and actions.  If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes "gridlocked," and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement and divorce.

A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong.  They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships.  People who are less effective in their relationship don't realize this.  When their priorities or preferences are different than their partners, they often believe that theirs' are right and their partners' are wrong.  The reality is that most of the time neither partner's priorities or expectation are out of line.

According to research there are five basic differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other.*

Independence-First vs. Togetherness-First....One person feels calmed or stabilized more through operating by yourself.  You need space, and you might feel frustrated if you don't get enough alone time.  Or, your nervous system is stabilized more through togetherness; you prefer more interaction with your partner and other people.

Invest-In-the Future-First vs. Live-for-the-Moment-First....Some people just feel better when they work first and then play later.  Other people feel better when they combine work and play.

Predictability-First vs. Spontaneity-First...Another difference in nervous system wiring that often underlies relationship gridlocks involves the level of predictability, planning or structure you need in order to function best.  If you are calmed by predictability, you do best when you are able to organize your life so you know what to expect.,  If you are more naturally wired for spontaneity  you will become restless or anxious if things become too routine.

Slow-to-Upset vs. Readily Upset...Some people have internal mechanisms that generate upset feelings quickly and intensely while other people have mechanisms that dampen upset feelings as soon as they happen.

Problem-Solving-First vs. Understanding-First...If you're upset, what does it take for you to feel better?  Some people feel better by making a plan for how to change things..Other people feel better by talking about their feelings and getting their partner to understand how they feel.

Other basic differences might include: differences in neatness and organization; differences in emotionality; differences in optimal sexual frequency; differences in punctuality; and differences with respect to kin.

How can these core differences be resolved?  My job as a counselor in these situations is to help each partner drop his/her efforts to prove that the other's position on the issue is inferior, and acknowledge that their differences probably arise from their different legitimate coping styles.  Some couples become gridlocked and soon decide they are mismatched. In some cases this may be true, but I believe it is possible for "mismatched" couples to find a way to live with their differences, without feeling they are giving in.

I try to teach couples how to create a dialogue between them in which neither will feel criticized for his/her way of approaching things.  Instead they will create a dialogue that helps each understand the other's point of view from both a pragmatic and emotional position.  If this dialogue does not happen, the couple will continue to demonize each other and/or become emotionally distant.  But when each feels respected and understood it then becomes much easier to accept the differences and find ways to work with the differences and compromise without feeling he or she has to totally change himself/herself.  When this happens. sometimes the natural emotional wiring of each can also change.

* Atkinson, Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy