HAPPY COUPLES

There are common basic aspects that are important for most good marriages:  physical attraction, shared values, common goals(family and children, financial) and similar conflict styles.  But we all still have differences, misunderstandings, and arguments. All marriages have unsolvable problems. Life itself will bring challenges. Marriage is a very human experience. Someone said, “It is not only important to pick the right mate, but to be the right mate.”  Based on the research, those couples who manage their differences successfully are happy couples. They are being the right mate. So what do happy couples have in common? How are they being the right mate?  The list below is not meant to be exhaustive, but here are few things:

1. Happy couples nurture a culture of positivity. Successful relationships are not free of negative interactions. They simply have more positive ones and the abundance of the positive ones has the effect of overriding the negatives. John Gottman’s research reveals that happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. And what are examples of positive interaction?

Couples sustain a curiosity about each other’s world.  They inquire with each other about what’s going on emotionally, professionally, spiritually and physically. Those couples who succeed devote more cognitive room to their partners than those who fail. As they go through their separate days, they spend more time thinking about what their partner might be doing, and they remember to ask about what a partner’s day has been like when the couple is united.  They notice and acknowledge the positive aspects of their partner’s actions. They regularly express fondness and appreciation.  The idea is to catch your partner doing something right or thoughtful and saying, “Thanks for doing that.”  Or “Wow, you were great!”

2.  Happy couples have conflicts, but they don’t get nasty or withdraw. They are able to express feelings and emotional needs without blaming, criticizing, shaming or silencing themselves. They attend to conflict respectfully and accept that each other’s “subjective realities” may often be different.  They listen, take ownership of their own behavior and empathize. In that manner they repair their conflicts without allowing them to fester.  I find this issue to be the most challenging and important one in couples counseling—helping couples learn how to use their emotions and express emotional needs in a constructive, reparative way.

3. Happy couples turn toward each other, not away from or against each other. When people are just kind of hanging out they are often letting their needs be known to each other, verbally and nonverbally. This is the first unit of emotional connection.  They are asking for attention, interest, conversation, humor, affection, warmth, empathy, support and so on.  These tiny moments of emotional connection form an emotional bank account that grows and increases over time.

4.  Happy couples are able to support each other’s life dreams. A crucial aspect of any relationship is creating an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her dreams, values, convictions and aspirations, as well as feel that the relationship supports those life dreams.

5. And finally, as a result of the attitude and actions described above, happy couples trust each other, which of course, is the foundation of all happy marriages.

Good Habits for Good Marriages (Part II)

Based on the research (John Gottman), criticism and contempt( as addressed in my last blog entry) are two of the more destructive behaviors in relationships. They seldom lead to any deeper understanding or resolution. In fact they only sabotage your attempts to communicate with your partner.  

Beneath both criticism and contempt lies a general tendency to assume that, if you are upset, somebody must have done something wrong.  Marriage researchers have discovered that most of the time this assumption is unwarranted, and that when partners are upset with each other, neither partner has done anything that is intrinsically wrong.  Sixty nine percent of marital upsets arise from conflicting values, priorities, beliefs, or personal tendencies for which there is no generally accepted standard.  Marriages start to slide when partners assume there is a “correct” standard to which they are entitled to hold their partners accountable. Some happily married couples argue a lot and some couples who argue a lot end up divorced. 

Consider the following questions:

• How much arguing is acceptable in marriage?
• How neat and organized should a couple’s life be?
• How important is it for the couple to talk about feelings?
• How much time should be spent with extended families?
• How much financial risk should be taken?

Studies suggest that there are a wide variety of legitimate opinions that partners can take on such questions. Happily married partners differ on scores of important values and priorities, but they have one thing in common:  They avoid assuming that their partner’s values, priorities or opinions are wrong, and instead assume that there are many potentially legitimate ways to live life.  People destined to succeed, understand that if you assume the worst of your partner, you’ll get the worst from your partner.  Instead they give their partners the benefit of the doubt; they assume that there lies a legitimate reason for their partner’s words or actions, even if they don’t know what it is yet.  Beneath even seemingly provocative behavior on the part of their partners, they assume that there are legitimate dreams or priorities that their partners are trying to obtain.

In contrast, when people who are destined to fail in their relationship are faced with words or actions from their partners that are upsetting to them, they assume that their partners are acting this way because they have misguided reasoning priorities, motivations, or intentions, or that their partners have faulty personality characteristics (e.g. my partner is just lazy, controlling, irresponsible, insensitive, etc.). 

Many of us grow up feeling that we don’t have the right to be upset with someone unless that person did something wrong.  So, when we find ourselves upset, we tend to automatically assume that the other person did something wrong—otherwise, we wouldn’t feel entitled to be upset.  Successful people find a way out of this dilemma, realizing that it is normal for people to get upset with each other when their expectations are at cross-purposes.  NOBODY HAS TO BE WRONG.

Good Habits for Good Marriages

While I believe it is important that couples learn to exercise good habits of communication to achieve a successful marriage, often times before a couple can begin to practice these  pragmatic habits, (based on sound research), they need to learn how to express long held negative feelings in a less blaming, constructive manner. By the time a couple enters my office, their negative reactive feelings are so automatic that no learning can take place until I help them shift their internal emotional states to a more non-blaming, empathic level.  The reality is that our emotional internal states are far more powerful than our cognitive abilities.  I will write more about this in a latter entry.  That being said, here is a blog entry regarding how successful couples communicate. 

One of the most important things we know about people who are destined to succeed in their relationships is that they deliver complaints differently from those who are destined to fail.  Researchers have found that 96% of the time the outcome of an argument can be successfully predicted after watching only the first three minutes of an interaction between partners.  People who want the cooperation and respect of their partners are able to express their dissatisfaction well; they know how to bring their complaints up gently.  They don’t beat around the bush, and they don’t sugarcoat what they have to say, but they do avoid criticizing or talking down to their partners.   Researchers call this ability, a soft startup (John Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work).

A soft startup is a simple statement about something the person doesn’t like or something he or she would like to see changed, with an explanation as to why this is so. 

Here’s a soft start-up: You know honey, I just have to share something with you. When you speak to me in a certain tone, like you just did, I often feel hurt and unsure how to respond. I feel like you’re judging me. Do you know what I mean?  And then you have a calm open discussion, rather than engage in a defensive argument.

A harsh startup carries tones of criticism and contempt.

Here’s a harsh start-up: Rolling your eyes and grimacing a bit, you say, I should have known that you’d screw things up again….why do I even bother with you?  What you did was just stupid!   Contempt expresses superiority…Contempt involves thinking that your values, preferences or viewpoints are better or more correct than those of one's partner in any given situation. 

So obviously, couples who avoid criticism and contempt in their conversations and express their complaints "softly" have more success in resolving their differences.  I will write more about this in my next blog entry.

RECOVERING FROM INFIDELITY

As a marriage counselor for three decades, some of the deepest despair I have witnessed in marriages has been the result of infidelity. Affairs shatter trust and consequently many lose hope that the marriage can be saved or even want to save it.

However, it's important to know that, no matter how bleak things might seem, it's possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. Not always, but I have seen marriages healed and unfaithful spouses forgiven.  It's not easy- there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but  years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster. Good, professional counseling is often needed along the way. Below are some basic pointers about affairs and steps to be taken in the healing process:

*Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track.

*The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair (sexual or emotional or online) and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse.

*Honesty is the most important factor in rebuilding the marriage. The future possibilities for the marriage are not determined by what happened in the affair; they are determined by what happens after the affair is known. Specifically, it's determined by the degree to which the one who had an affair is willing to be honest and answer all their spouse's questions about the affair.

*The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again.

*Affairs are less about love and more about boundaries.  Affairs can happen in good marriages.

*The major attraction in an affair is NOT the love partner but the positive mirroring of the self --"the way I look when I see myself in the other person's eyes."

*The conventional wisdom is that the person having an affair isn't "getting enough" at home. That may be true, but often the truth is, the person isn't giving enough.

*Most people think that talking about the affair with the spouse will only create more upset, but that is actually the way to rebuild intimacy.

 *The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much
empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain they have caused.

If you would like to read more about the whys of affairs and the challenge of healing your marriage after infidelity, I suggest you read the page on infidelity on my website homepage:

                             www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/infidelity.html 

Stepping Into the Puddle

I help couples step into the puddle with each other. That phrase is not original with me.  I picked it up in a book I read a few years ago entitled How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Steven Stosny and Patricia Love.  I don’t know the origin of that phrase but it often feels like the helpful thing to say to couples, or teach them, and yes, do from time to time in my own marriage.

Last week in my office during a counseling session, Kim said tearfully to her husband, “Sam you just don’t get me! You don’t listen. You just tell me what I should do to feel better…to get over it! And that just makes me feel worse!”

So I said to Sam, “I think Kim just wants you to step into the puddle with her….you know what I mean?”  I had already talked with them about the puddle business, but I was shocked by his genuine response: “Oh, just step into the puddle?  Oh yeah. I can do that…..I’m sorry, honey. I’m so sorry….I understand how you feel.”  Amazing! Especially for a guy!  He got it!  And she said, “Yeah, that’s all I need to hear from you—I mean “feel from you.”

Another phrase for this is “emotional attunement,” which is literally tuning in to the emotional state of another. That’s what it means to step in the puddle with your mate. It can be the cure-all for disconnection.

So here’s what the puddle means: Be there with your partner’s feelings. For the moment, your spouse is in a puddle (of feelings).  Don’t ignore the feelings or try to “fix it,” or try to drag him or her out of it.

Believe me, this is important, especially for women.  Over 70 % of divorce is initiated by women who think their husbands don’t care about how they feel!

Some might think “stepping into the puddle” and absorbing all those negative feelings from one’s spouse could be overwhelming!  Besides, you don’t want to treat each other like babies. Well if you think that, you don’t get it. Emotional attunement is being present with each other as human beings.

There are good reasons for stepping into the puddle:  The first is that it forges a closer connection –you do far more to build intimacy and trust by helping each other with negative emotions than by sharing only positive ones.   Second , failing to connect with your distressed partner can make it harder for her/him to transform negative feelings than if you weren’t there at all.  The third reason stepping into the puddle is important for intimacy, is that you promised to do it!  Right?  Yes, you made an implicit promise to each other that you would always “care” when the other feels bad.

I’ll write it again: Be there with her/him/each other.  Don’t ignore it. Don’t fix it.  Don’t tell her/him what to do or try to drag her/him out of it. If you’re just there with each other a short time, the two of you can usually step out of the puddle together.  Feeling connected. Heard. Seen. Only then can you move on and maybe solve things and feel loved the way you want to feel loved.

Trust--The Foundation of Happy Marriages

Yes, love, intimacy, respect, good communication are all important aspects of happy marriages. But ultimately it all comes down to trust. On their wedding day, couples proclaim a promise to be there for each other. That promise is the foundation of their trust in each other.

What is trust?  John Gottman has written a new book entitled The Science of Trust. From his research on the subject he found that happier couples, for whom trust was not missing, described the concept of “trust” as the mysterious quality that somehow created safety, security and openness for both of them.  Trust was the seemingly indefinable condition that made their relationship safe and made it possible for them to be vulnerable with each other. Their trust thereby deepened their love.

On the other hand, Gottman found that many distressed couples complained that their partners simply couldn’t be counted on to “be there” for them when they needed them most.  Over time, they said, the emotional injuries they sustained from a lack of trust built a huge gulf of emotional distance between them, leading to eventual betrayal.

Trust can be betrayed in several ways.  Infidelity- either sexual or emotional--is the obvious betrayal.  Secrets, lies, deceptions, coalition with others against the partner, betrayals by disinterest, abuse and disrespect are all symptomatic of a broken trust. In other words, as trust erodes, marital conflict will increase.

Gottman writes that turning away, not “being there’ for each other, is the atom of distrust. It is the unavailability or the unresponsiveness (or turning against) of a partner when the other is in need of understanding, support, comfort and love.

Susan Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, proclaims that to feel safe with our life partner and lover, both partners need to attach securely to each other.   I interpret that to mean: feeling safe in a relationship means “being there” for each other during important moments.  It means “turning toward each other,” making eye contact, listening, responding and being present. It means being “emotionally attuned.”

There are many reasons why couples stop “being there” for each other, more than I can address here.  But if you are persistently feeling that your spouse is unavailable or non-responsive to your emotional needs, if you are feeling isolated, you should address this right away with your spouse.  Don’t avoid the issue.  Avoidance will only lead to more distance and conflict.  And if a conversation doesn’t help, I advise that you seek professional help, sooner, rather than later. With the right conversation or the right help, I do believe that trust can be restored, regenerated.

Again, trust is the ground of a happy marriage.  Ask the questions: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Do you need me?  How you answer those questions may be a measure of the trust you presently feel in your relationship.

The Good Marriage

Based on the research, this is what we know about good marriages:

1.  Happily married couples behave like good friends.    In other words, their relationships are characterized by respect, affection, and empathy.  They pay close attention to what’s happening in each other’s life and they feel emotionally connected.  John Gottman (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work) made an interesting discovery: spouses in happy, stable marriages made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict.  In contrast couples headed for divorce offered less than one (0.8) positive remark for every single negative remark.

2.   Happily married couples handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. They recognize that conflict is inevitable in any marriage, and that some problems never get solved, never go away.  But these couples don’t get gridlocked in their separate positions.  Instead, they keep talking with each other about conflicts.  In other words, they listen respectfully to their spouses’s perspectives without being defensive, dismissive or blaming and they find compromises that work for both sides. 

3. Happily married couples turn toward each other. Close relationships consist of a series of “emotional bids” –that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile, or a hug. You can choose to

      1. turn away, ignoring the bid

      2.  turn against, reacting with anger or hostility

      3. turn toward, showing you’re open, listening, and engaged

Research shows that habitually turning away or turning against your partner’s bids harms your marriage.  But consistently turning toward your partner strengthens emotional bonds, friendship, and romance. It means “being there” for each other.  It is the fundamental unit of emotional connection.