So did you marry the wrong person? (See my last blog post or read the NY Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?mwrsm=Email .) If you did marry the wrong person, can you still make love?
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationships can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. William Doherty (Take Back Your Marriage), refers to the modern consumer marriage mentality where more people in marriages are inclined to say: "My needs are not being met. I deserve more. And without examining their own contributions to the marriage crisis, decide to divorce.
But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoric passion of love fades--the "euphoric" passion. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother, touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.,
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. AND TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd probably be in the same situation a few years later. Because.....THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND..... Yes, that's a radical statement but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will never JUST HAPPEN TO YOU. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. But most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection and bonding-- even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe such as gravity, there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the habits, IF YOU KNOW HOW TO EMOTIONALLY CONNECT WITH EACH OTHER AND BE VULNERABLE WITH EACH OTHER, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. This is what I like to think I am doing when I work with couples: I am teaching them how to "make" love--even with an imperfect partner.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
A Review: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person
The following are quotes I have selected from a recent article in the Sunday New York Times: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, by Alain De Botton. Read the quotes and think about them. Do you agree with any of them? Have a conversation with your spouse, significant other or close friend about the quotes. The quotes:
- The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. Whenever casual relationships threaten to reveal our flaws, we blame our partners and call it a day.
- For most of recorded history, people married for logical sorts of reasons, (which were) often expedient, narrow-minded, snobbish and exploitative. That is why what has replaced it--the marriage of feeling--has largely been spared the need to account for itself .
- But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn't that simple. What we really seek is familiarity--which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness.
- We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable.
- Finally, we marry to make a nice feeling permanent. We imagine that marriage will help us to bottle the joy we felt when the thought of proposing first came to us.
- The good news is that it doesn't matter if we find we have married the wrong person.
- We need to swap the Romantic view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us--and we will (without any malice) do the same to them.
- The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste(he or she doesn't exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently--the person who is good at disagreement.
What do you think? Do you agree with any of the statements? Do you think the writer holds an overly pessimistic view of marriage? Or profoundly realistic view? Now read the entire article. Go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?mwrsm=Email I will blog-post my own follow-up opinion in a few days.
Monday, April 25, 2016
WHEN LOVE ERODES
Most of the couples who sit in my office are there because they have begun to turn against each other in conflict. Communication has broken down. Love has eroded and couples are concerned that they can't stop the arguing.
When love begins to erode, what is missing is attunement and the emotional responsiveness that goes with it. Angry protests at the loss of connection escalate. Lack of comfort and closeness feeds distrust and disagreement and the partners become more distant.
The absence of positive, intimate, supportive exchanges has been compared to a virus that takes down the body relationship. Conflict is the inflammation that results from this virus.
If couples cannot find a way to reach for each other in another way, their bond cannot be repaired and the end stage--disillusionment, despair, distrust and detachment--will set in.
The main point of this blog post (which is the point of most of my posts!) is this: Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question behind every argument--Are you there for me?--requires a yes in response. According to Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight), a secure bond has three basic elements:
Bonding is an eternal process of renewal. For me, teaching and guiding couples on how to discover and experience that renewal is the goal of the work I do.
When love begins to erode, what is missing is attunement and the emotional responsiveness that goes with it. Angry protests at the loss of connection escalate. Lack of comfort and closeness feeds distrust and disagreement and the partners become more distant.
The absence of positive, intimate, supportive exchanges has been compared to a virus that takes down the body relationship. Conflict is the inflammation that results from this virus.
If couples cannot find a way to reach for each other in another way, their bond cannot be repaired and the end stage--disillusionment, despair, distrust and detachment--will set in.
The main point of this blog post (which is the point of most of my posts!) is this: Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question behind every argument--Are you there for me?--requires a yes in response. According to Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight), a secure bond has three basic elements:
- Accessibility--you give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying even if you don't agree with everything I am saying;
- Responsiveness--you accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring; and
- Engagement--you are emotionally present, absorbed and involved with me.
Bonding is an eternal process of renewal. For me, teaching and guiding couples on how to discover and experience that renewal is the goal of the work I do.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Couples Sexual Desire, part II
Desire for an intimate, secure relationship is a major force in the decision to marry. An intimate marriage facilitates sexual desire. In fact, a prime function of marital sexuality is to reinforce and deepen intimacy. The essence of intimacy is feeling emotionally close, connected and valued. Intimacy provides energizing special feelings
How best can you express those feelings? There are many ways of expressing feelings that nurture intimacy of course, but here are some suggestions for expressing your feelings to your partner that can particularly nurture sexual feelings*:
How best can you express those feelings? There are many ways of expressing feelings that nurture intimacy of course, but here are some suggestions for expressing your feelings to your partner that can particularly nurture sexual feelings*:
- I desire you. It can be validating to admit desire and energizing to feel desirable. The expression of desire reinforces your partner's sense of personal and sexual worth and promotes intimate communication. You can desire your partner in affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic and sexual ways.
- You make me feel good. This is almost a definition of a good lover. It is important to tell your partner that they please you. Feeling good is not limited however to a sexual expression. It includes respect (Wow, I felt so proud of you when you spoke the other night).....trust (You're always there for me, honey!) ...and emotional intimacy........
- Emotional intimacy: I care about you. Expression of interest and concern is always welcome, but it is especially important in times of stress and trouble. It is a fact of human behavior that expressing care increases the amount of genuine care and intimacy. Caring and sharing can increase sexual desire.
- Touching.....is integral to your intimate relationship. Touching allows both partners to express feelings of warmth and caring, whether it is simply holding hands, putting arms around one another,, kissing or non-demand sensual touching and massage. (non-demand: not necessarily expecting sexual intimacy). Nevertheless, these scenarios can certainly serve as bridges to sexual desire.
* Above suggestions are borrowed from Barry and Emily McCarthy, Sexual Awareness.....
Friday, February 26, 2016
COUPLE SEXUAL DESIRE
Our culture is dominated by fantasy images of sex. Attraction means instant sexual compatibility and eroticism. Sex is always highly passionate orgasmic magic! But passionate sex seldom lasts even until marriage. The images presented through movies, porn, novels and songs are counterproductive for couples trying to renew or maintain a vital sexual bond.
Most couples have had both exciting and disappointing sexual experiences. Becoming a sexual couple is a process that takes time and energy. Sexuality cannot be taken for granted.
The most frequent sex dysfunction involves problems of sexual desire. Rather than positively anticipating sex and feeling you deserve sexuality to nurture your relationship, you are caught in the cycle of anticipatory anxiety, frustration, embarrassment and avoidance. Inhibited sexual desire is the most common reason for couples who enter sex therapy(Sexual Awareness, Barry McCarthy).
Of course, relationship problems do undermine sexual desire. Common problems include poor communication, lack of respect, anger over past events, frustration over relationship roles, power struggles, disappointments and resentments, disagreement about finances, work fatigue, medical problems and more.For many couples , until the relationship or medical problems are resolved, sexual intimacy is never regained.
In traditional marital counseling, it is assumed that sexual dysfunction is always a symptom of relationship problems. If an underlying emotional problem in a relationship was successfully dealt with, it was believed the sex problem would spontaneously be cured. Yes, that outcome is often the case but not always. Sometimes, even when an underlying emotional problem in a relationship is resolved, sexual desire remains problematic. It is also true that many couples can have a trusting, respectful committed relationship and still experience sex problems. Why? It is often due to lack of information, performance anxiety, poor psycho-sexual communication skills, or a history of guilt and blaming. It can also be due to low libido with both partners.
There are also physiological differences between men and women in experiencing sexual desire. As a general rule, men are aroused with great ease and have little difficulty reaching orgasm. But according to pioneering researcher Shere Hite, 70 percent of women cannot regularly achieve orgasm through intercourse. Research on female sexual response finds that women consider sexual pleasure to be more about intimate, sensual touching than orgasm, per se. Not all men realize this. Surveys also find that far more women than men feel inhibited in bed if they don't share an emotional connection with their partner. In John Gottmans' research (What Makes Love Lasts), it has been discovered that most women want sex when they already feel emotionally close via intimate conversations and touch. But for men sex itself is a way of becoming emotionally close.
It is important to note, that all that I have written here does not apply to everyone. Sometimes the issues are reversed. In my work with couples, I have come to appreciate the complexity of sexual desire in both men and women. The information I have provided may be applicable to most couples but there are also many exceptions.
The bottom line is that developing couple sexual intimacy requires not only daily intimate connection, but also open communication about sexual needs and preferences, experimentation and a sense of playfulness. Sex is not the most important component in your relationship, but it is integral and special. It serves as a shared pleasure and a means to build and reinforce intimacy. If sex is allowed to stagnate, it can devitalize your relationship Your sexual relationship needs continual nurturing.
Friday, January 15, 2016
WHEN RELATIONSHIPS SOOTHE THE BRAIN (The Science of Love)
Happy New Year! Consider this: A happier New Year may mean a healthier relationship with your partner. In fact, according to the Statistic Brain Research Institute nearly a third of all goals set in the new year are relationship related.
Now most couples think they should focus on communication skills to improve their relationship. Communication skills are definitely important and helpful, but it takes more than that.
Over the years of my work with couples, I have learned that even the most refined communications skills will not change anything unless we have cultivated a strong emotional bond with our partner. So when couples believe they have communication problems, I want to know what they mean by that because it usually means that there is much more going on under the surface.
If we pause to consider what is under the surface, we usually discover that a partner who is angry, for example, is on another level feeling alone in the relationship and the angry protests are an effort to get more connection. But of course, the angry protests only drive the other partner further away. Or a partner who seems distant or shutdown, might actually be feeling fearful that the relationship is in trouble and they don't know how to fix it. In fact we now know that when we are feeling alone in relationship, our brains are threatened? The neurons start rumbling!
Here's the reality: It is only when both persons in a relationship understand and empathize with the underlying emotions that they begin to create a stronger bond with their partner.
Unfortunately, our culture's emphasis on independence sends the message that you should not allow yourself to need your partner. Underlying emotions can make one feel needy and therefore reluctant to openly express the needs behind the anger/withdrawal pattern out of fear of appearing "needy." We live in a culture that praises independence and autonomy which are important of course. But what we have learned from the research in recent years about the very survival of our species, is that we need to need one another.
I call this a "functional dependency" versus a controlling or anxious dependency. To form "functional dependency" couples should rediscover why they became a couple in the first place. Why do most of us want to be in a committed relationship to begin with? The standard biological answer is "for procreation." But we now know based on scientific research, that it is also because of the desire to care and be cared for by a significant other. ( I feel like saying, "duh!~") It's how all of us are wired, actually, from birth through adulthood. Our brain thrives on social connection from the day we are born. It's how our brains are wired and also how they are soothed!
So when you think your communication is breaking down and you remain stressed about your relationship or life in general, pay attention to what is going on "beneath the service" and talk about that with your lover, not from an angry judgmental stance, but from a biological, "spiritual" place within yourself, longing for emotional connection.
In fact, if interested, I suggest you view a youtube video with Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight) talking about Soothing the Threatened Brain. Go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEfnFzVF9xY&app=desktop
What do you think? I welcome your thoughts. Happy New Year! Jim Covington
Now most couples think they should focus on communication skills to improve their relationship. Communication skills are definitely important and helpful, but it takes more than that.
Over the years of my work with couples, I have learned that even the most refined communications skills will not change anything unless we have cultivated a strong emotional bond with our partner. So when couples believe they have communication problems, I want to know what they mean by that because it usually means that there is much more going on under the surface.
If we pause to consider what is under the surface, we usually discover that a partner who is angry, for example, is on another level feeling alone in the relationship and the angry protests are an effort to get more connection. But of course, the angry protests only drive the other partner further away. Or a partner who seems distant or shutdown, might actually be feeling fearful that the relationship is in trouble and they don't know how to fix it. In fact we now know that when we are feeling alone in relationship, our brains are threatened? The neurons start rumbling!
Here's the reality: It is only when both persons in a relationship understand and empathize with the underlying emotions that they begin to create a stronger bond with their partner.
Unfortunately, our culture's emphasis on independence sends the message that you should not allow yourself to need your partner. Underlying emotions can make one feel needy and therefore reluctant to openly express the needs behind the anger/withdrawal pattern out of fear of appearing "needy." We live in a culture that praises independence and autonomy which are important of course. But what we have learned from the research in recent years about the very survival of our species, is that we need to need one another.
I call this a "functional dependency" versus a controlling or anxious dependency. To form "functional dependency" couples should rediscover why they became a couple in the first place. Why do most of us want to be in a committed relationship to begin with? The standard biological answer is "for procreation." But we now know based on scientific research, that it is also because of the desire to care and be cared for by a significant other. ( I feel like saying, "duh!~") It's how all of us are wired, actually, from birth through adulthood. Our brain thrives on social connection from the day we are born. It's how our brains are wired and also how they are soothed!
So when you think your communication is breaking down and you remain stressed about your relationship or life in general, pay attention to what is going on "beneath the service" and talk about that with your lover, not from an angry judgmental stance, but from a biological, "spiritual" place within yourself, longing for emotional connection.
In fact, if interested, I suggest you view a youtube video with Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight) talking about Soothing the Threatened Brain. Go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEfnFzVF9xY&app=desktop
What do you think? I welcome your thoughts. Happy New Year! Jim Covington
Friday, December 4, 2015
THE ART OF INTIMATE CONVERSATION
Intimacy implies closeness or feeling attuned, known by your partner, connected. Emotional connection is the main reason we seek committed relationships. We are all wired for intimacy. Intimacy is usually thought of as physical and sexual in nature. True, but another avenue to intimacy is through conversation, i.e., the manner in which couples converse on a daily basis. Many people think that effective conversation entails making yourself sound interesting to others, when actually it is all about being interested in others and listening or feeling heard by others when expressing needs and vulnerabilities. Attuned communication in everyday life is necessary to maintain any relationship. So what does attuned communication involve?
1. First, put your feelings into words. It is difficult for some people to verbalize their emotions. Because they aren't sure what's going on inside, they are unable to share their feelings with their partner. This can be a huge obstacle when trying to connect. Please don't be dismissive of your emotions or ashamed if you have difficulty articulating them. Instead, let your partner know that identifying your feelings is a challenge. We often express our feelings through anger, but beneath most anger is a deeper more vulnerable emotion. Consider enlisting him or her to assist you in figuring them out, like help me out here... or give me a minute....I'm having a hard time saying what I am really feeling.
2. Ask open-ended questions. Avoid queries that you partner can punt with single words such as "yes," or "no:" which kill conversations before they start. Instead pose questions in ways that require a deeper response. Replace "Did you have a good day at work?" with "So, what was it like at work today?" Instead of "Did you like the movie?" try "What did you think of the movie?" This technique doesn't apply just to everyday exchanges but also to conversations about significant issues. "Are you upset?"can close off further discussion but "you seem upset--what's going on?" will encourage it.
3. Follow up with statements that deepen connection. After you partner answers a question, respond by saying back what you just heard, in your own words. It's okay if your description isn't 100 percent accurate, but don't make assumptions or put words into the other's mouth. When you reflect back your partner's thoughts and feelings in an understanding manner, you encourage him or her to open up more.
4. Express compassion and empathy. This is central in intimate conversation. When your partner is upset, be on his or her team whether the issue is trivial or significant. If you think your mate is overreacting or should have a "different" emotional response, stifle the urge to offer your opinion and suggestions. Based on John Gottman's research, we know that being the voice of reason is not always the best approach. Let other people play that role. Yours is to let the person you love know that you're standing with him or her. You get and accept his or her emotions as valid--because "all" feelings are.
Although you have probably been tempted, don't offer opinions or problem-solve until you've gone through all four of these steps. Ready advice sounds glib and insulting to many people. ("Are you saying I can't think of a solution?. I am not stupid!") I would go even further and warn you not to give advice at all unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution.
And that's what I suggest to couples who are lacking intimate conversations. Follow this method in your daily interactions and you'll be amazed by how much you discover about each other. I often recommend that couples schedule a "ritual of connection" or a "how was your day?" chats, using this method to check in and reconnect.
1. First, put your feelings into words. It is difficult for some people to verbalize their emotions. Because they aren't sure what's going on inside, they are unable to share their feelings with their partner. This can be a huge obstacle when trying to connect. Please don't be dismissive of your emotions or ashamed if you have difficulty articulating them. Instead, let your partner know that identifying your feelings is a challenge. We often express our feelings through anger, but beneath most anger is a deeper more vulnerable emotion. Consider enlisting him or her to assist you in figuring them out, like help me out here... or give me a minute....I'm having a hard time saying what I am really feeling.
2. Ask open-ended questions. Avoid queries that you partner can punt with single words such as "yes," or "no:" which kill conversations before they start. Instead pose questions in ways that require a deeper response. Replace "Did you have a good day at work?" with "So, what was it like at work today?" Instead of "Did you like the movie?" try "What did you think of the movie?" This technique doesn't apply just to everyday exchanges but also to conversations about significant issues. "Are you upset?"can close off further discussion but "you seem upset--what's going on?" will encourage it.
3. Follow up with statements that deepen connection. After you partner answers a question, respond by saying back what you just heard, in your own words. It's okay if your description isn't 100 percent accurate, but don't make assumptions or put words into the other's mouth. When you reflect back your partner's thoughts and feelings in an understanding manner, you encourage him or her to open up more.
4. Express compassion and empathy. This is central in intimate conversation. When your partner is upset, be on his or her team whether the issue is trivial or significant. If you think your mate is overreacting or should have a "different" emotional response, stifle the urge to offer your opinion and suggestions. Based on John Gottman's research, we know that being the voice of reason is not always the best approach. Let other people play that role. Yours is to let the person you love know that you're standing with him or her. You get and accept his or her emotions as valid--because "all" feelings are.
Although you have probably been tempted, don't offer opinions or problem-solve until you've gone through all four of these steps. Ready advice sounds glib and insulting to many people. ("Are you saying I can't think of a solution?. I am not stupid!") I would go even further and warn you not to give advice at all unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution.
And that's what I suggest to couples who are lacking intimate conversations. Follow this method in your daily interactions and you'll be amazed by how much you discover about each other. I often recommend that couples schedule a "ritual of connection" or a "how was your day?" chats, using this method to check in and reconnect.
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