Couples Sexual Desire, part II

Desire for an intimate, secure relationship is a major force in the decision to marry.  An intimate marriage facilitates sexual desire.  In fact, a prime function of marital sexuality is to reinforce and deepen intimacy.  The essence of intimacy is feeling emotionally close, connected and valued.   Intimacy provides energizing special feelings

How best can you express those feelings? There are many ways of expressing feelings that nurture intimacy of course, but here are some suggestions for expressing your feelings to your partner that can particularly nurture sexual feelings*:

• I desire you. It can be validating to admit desire and energizing to feel desirable.  The expression of desire reinforces your partner's sense of personal and sexual worth and promotes intimate communication.  You can desire your partner in affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic and sexual ways.
• You make me feel good.  This is almost a definition of a good lover.  It is important to tell your partner that they please you.  Feeling good is not limited however to a sexual expression.  It includes respect (Wow, I felt so proud of you when you spoke the other night).....trust (You're always there for me, honey!) ...and emotional intimacy........
• Emotional intimacy:  I care about you.  Expression of interest and concern is always welcome, but it is especially important in times of stress and trouble.  It is a fact of human behavior that expressing care increases the amount of genuine care and intimacy. Caring and sharing can increase sexual desire.
• Touching.....is integral to your intimate relationship.  Touching allows both partners to express feelings of warmth and caring, whether it is simply holding hands, putting arms around one another,, kissing or  non-demand sensual touching and massage. (non-demand: not necessarily expecting sexual intimacy).  Nevertheless, these scenarios can certainly serve as bridges to sexual desire.

           * Above suggestions are borrowed from Barry and Emily McCarthy, Sexual Awareness.....

COUPLE SEXUAL DESIRE

     Our culture is dominated by fantasy images of sex.  Attraction means instant sexual compatibility and eroticism. Sex is always highly passionate orgasmic magic!  But passionate sex seldom lasts even until marriage.  The images presented through movies, porn, novels and songs are counterproductive for couples trying to renew or maintain a vital sexual bond.

     Most couples have had both exciting and disappointing sexual experiences.  Becoming a sexual couple is a process that takes time and energy.  Sexuality cannot be taken for granted.

     The most frequent sex dysfunction involves problems of sexual desire. Rather than positively anticipating sex and feeling you deserve sexuality to nurture your relationship, you are caught in the cycle of anticipatory anxiety, frustration, embarrassment and avoidance.  Inhibited sexual desire is the most common reason for couples who enter sex therapy(Sexual Awareness, Barry McCarthy).

      Of course, relationship problems do undermine sexual desire.  Common problems include poor communication, lack of respect, anger over past events, frustration over relationship roles, power struggles, disappointments and resentments, disagreement about finances, work fatigue, medical problems and more.For many couples , until the relationship or medical problems are resolved, sexual intimacy is never regained.

      In traditional marital counseling, it is assumed that sexual dysfunction is always a symptom of relationship problems. If an underlying emotional problem in a relationship was successfully dealt with, it was believed the sex problem would spontaneously be cured.  Yes, that outcome is often the case but not always. Sometimes, even when an underlying emotional problem in a relationship is resolved, sexual desire remains problematic. It is also true that many couples can have a trusting, respectful committed relationship and still experience sex problems.  Why?  It is often due to lack of information, performance anxiety, poor psycho-sexual communication skills, or a history of guilt and blaming. It can also be due to low libido with both partners. 

      There are also physiological differences between men and women in experiencing sexual desire.  As a general rule, men are aroused with great ease and have little difficulty reaching orgasm.  But according to pioneering researcher Shere Hite, 70 percent of women cannot regularly achieve orgasm through intercourse.  Research on female sexual response finds that women consider sexual pleasure to be more about intimate, sensual touching than orgasm, per se.  Not all men realize this.  Surveys also find that far more women than men feel inhibited in bed if they don't share an emotional connection with their partner.  In John Gottmans' research (What Makes Love Lasts), it has been discovered that most women want sex when they already feel emotionally close via intimate conversations and touch.  But for men sex itself is a way of becoming emotionally close.

       It is important to note, that all that I have written here does not apply to everyone.  Sometimes the issues are reversed. In my work with couples,  I have come to appreciate the complexity of sexual desire in both men and women.  The information I have provided may be applicable to most couples but there are also many exceptions.

       The bottom line is that developing couple sexual intimacy requires not only daily intimate connection, but also open communication about sexual needs and preferences, experimentation and a sense of playfulness.  Sex is not the most important component in your relationship, but it is integral and special. It serves as a shared pleasure and a means to build and reinforce intimacy.  If sex is allowed to stagnate, it can devitalize your relationship  Your sexual relationship needs continual nurturing.  

WHEN RELATIONSHIPS SOOTHE THE BRAIN (The Science of Love)

Happy New Year!  Consider this:  A happier New Year may mean a healthier relationship with your partner.  In fact, according to the Statistic Brain Research Institute nearly a third of all goals set in the new year are relationship related.

Now most couples think they should focus on communication skills to improve their relationship. Communication skills are definitely important and helpful, but it takes more than that.

Over the years of my work with couples, I have learned that even the most refined communications skills will not change anything unless we have cultivated a strong emotional bond with our partner. So when couples believe they have communication problems, I want to know what they mean by that because it usually means that there is much more going on under the surface.

If we pause to consider what is under the surface, we usually discover that a partner who is angry, for example, is on another level feeling alone in the relationship and the angry protests are an effort to get more connection. But of course, the angry protests only drive the other partner further away. Or a partner who seems distant or shutdown, might actually be feeling fearful that the relationship is in trouble and they don't know how to fix it.  In fact we now know that when we are feeling alone in relationship, our brains are threatened?  The neurons start rumbling!

Here's the reality: It is only when both persons in a relationship understand and empathize with the underlying emotions that they begin to create a stronger bond with their partner.

Unfortunately, our culture's emphasis on independence sends the message that you should not allow yourself to need your partner.  Underlying emotions can make one feel needy and therefore reluctant to openly express the needs behind the anger/withdrawal pattern out of fear of appearing "needy."  We live in a culture that praises independence and autonomy which are important of course.  But what we have learned from the research in recent years about the very survival of our species, is that we need to need one another.

I call this a "functional dependency" versus a controlling or anxious dependency.  To form "functional dependency" couples should rediscover why they became a couple in the first place. Why do most of us want to be in a committed relationship to begin with? The standard biological answer is "for procreation."  But we now know based on scientific research, that it is also because of the desire to care and be cared for by a significant other. ( I feel like saying, "duh!~")  It's how all of us are wired, actually, from birth through adulthood. Our brain thrives on social connection from the day we are born. It's how our brains are wired and also how they are soothed!

So when you think your communication is breaking down and you remain stressed about your relationship or life in general, pay attention to what is going on "beneath the service" and talk about that with your lover, not from an angry judgmental stance, but from a biological, "spiritual" place within yourself, longing for emotional connection.

In fact, if interested, I suggest you view a youtube video with Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight) talking about Soothing the Threatened Brain. Go to   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEfnFzVF9xY&app=desktop   

What do you think?  I welcome your thoughts.  Happy New Year!     Jim Covington

THE ART OF INTIMATE CONVERSATION

Intimacy implies closeness or feeling attuned, known by your partner, connected. Emotional connection is the main reason we seek committed relationships.  We are all wired for intimacy. Intimacy is usually thought of as physical and sexual in nature. True, but another avenue to intimacy is through conversation, i.e., the manner in which couples converse on a daily basis.  Many people think that effective conversation entails making yourself sound interesting to others,  when actually it is all about being interested in others and listening or feeling heard by others when expressing needs and vulnerabilities.  Attuned communication in everyday life is necessary to maintain any relationship.  So what does attuned communication involve?

1. First, put your feelings into words.  It is difficult for some people to verbalize their emotions.  Because they aren't sure what's going on inside, they are unable to share their feelings with their partner.  This can be a huge obstacle when trying to connect.  Please don't be dismissive of your emotions or ashamed if you have difficulty articulating them.  Instead, let your partner know that identifying your feelings is a challenge. We often express our feelings through anger, but beneath most anger is a deeper more vulnerable emotion.  Consider enlisting him or her to assist you in figuring them out, like help me out here... or give me a minute....I'm having a hard time saying what I am really feeling.

2.  Ask open-ended questions. Avoid queries that you partner can punt with single words such as "yes," or "no:" which kill conversations before they start. Instead pose questions in ways that require a deeper response. Replace "Did you have a good day at work?" with "So, what was it like at work today?"  Instead of "Did you like the movie?" try "What did you think of the movie?" This technique doesn't apply just to everyday exchanges but also to conversations about significant issues.  "Are you upset?"can close off further discussion but "you seem upset--what's going on?" will encourage it.

3. Follow up with statements that deepen connection.  After you partner answers a question, respond by saying back what you just heard, in your own words.  It's okay if your description isn't 100 percent accurate, but don't make assumptions or put words into the other's mouth.  When you reflect back your partner's thoughts and feelings in an understanding manner, you encourage him or her to open up more.

4. Express compassion and empathy. This is central in intimate conversation.  When your partner is upset, be on his or her team whether the issue is trivial or significant.  If you think your mate is overreacting or should have a "different" emotional response, stifle the urge to offer your opinion and suggestions.  Based on John Gottman's research, we know that being the voice of reason is not always the best approach.  Let other people play that role.  Yours is to let the person you love know that you're standing with him or her.  You get and accept his or her emotions as valid--because "all" feelings are.

Although you have probably been tempted, don't offer opinions or problem-solve until you've gone through all four of these steps.  Ready advice sounds glib and insulting to many people. ("Are you saying I can't think of a solution?. I am not stupid!")  I would go even further and warn you not to give advice at all unless asked.  Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution.

And that's what I suggest to couples who are lacking intimate conversations.  Follow this method in your daily interactions and you'll be amazed by how much you discover about each other.  I often recommend that couples schedule a "ritual of connection" or a "how was your day?" chats, using this method to check in and reconnect.

HOW PROBLEMS LEAD TO INTIMACY

There are unsolvable problems in every relationship. Choosing a partner in a committed relationship is choosing a set of problems--in many cases, irreconcilable.  You can decide to throw in the towel, divorce and choose a different partner down the road, but you will be choosing another set of problems. Not romantic, I know. But here is the bottom line: depending on how partners talk or don't talk about them, problems can lead to an increase in intimacy, or it can lead to a decrease in intimacy.

So now I want to talk about intimacy.  What everyone wants is a partner who admits, acknowledges, listens, confides, understands, accepts, sympathizes, and forgives.  Am I right?  In a word, we're all looking for intimacy, to feel known.  Intimacy results from telling your partner your main concern and feeling that he or she understands, and your partner's telling you the same and feeling that you understand.

A fight is never more than a sentence away.  However, intimacy is also never more than a sentence away, although neither of you is likely to be in a state of mind in which it is possible to come up with that sentence, particularly when the two of you are in the middle of a fight.  You have to wait until after the fight.  When you're in a fight, you're unable to confide your main concern or even to know what it is!

George and Eileen are a married couple in their early thirties. George works in finance and Eileen is a nurse. Eileen feels resentful that George doesn't help more around the house.  She blurts out.

Eileen raising her voice: We've got a great division of labor here! YOU mess the house and I always clean it!
George: (defending himself) What are you talking about??! I do a lot around here, damn it! And you just don't see it! You just love to criticize me, as usual!  And speaking of messes, take a look at the mess on your damn desk sometime!

And they get into a fight.  So far, that is not new.  In fact, that is what everybody does.  One partner is sarcastic or critical, the other is defensive, and they get into a fight.

But then Eileen and George do something that is new.  After they have the fight, they use the fight. They use it as an introduction to a conversation and a pathway to intimacy.  The next day, when both have cooled off, George comes up to Eileen and talks about the fight.  He says he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed.  He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Eileen didn't seem to notice.  And he was also disappointed in himself because now that he thinks aobut it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.

Suddenly Eileen and George are having a conversation rather than an argument.  Since Eileen isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself.  And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.

Eileen: Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I;'m still upset about it....... (And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they are able to discover things).....Eileen: I guess I'm upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together.  You have your own way of doing things and I have mine.  We;re really very different people.  And we lead such separate lives.  I've got my friends and you've got yours.  I've got my job and you've got yours.  I take care of the house, even if you are helping more, and you take care of the yard and the car, and I hardly help you at all in those jobs.  Sure , we do our jobs okay, but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well.  And I'm upset about that..

George says he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better.   ......and so now, Eileen and George aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework.  They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to....

If George and Eileen have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together enjoying the same things, and have the same interest,--they're like to have a nightmare view that they are just incompatible and getting married might have been a mistake.

If they were to have view of intimacy that I['m talking about, however, they'd know that talking about not being intimate can itself, be an intimate act. That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting, if it's not done in a tone of criticism or blame. For a moment at least,
George and Eileen would be in it together, which is the point of this blog essay: confiding without blaming about concerns such as feeling too separate is perhaps the fullest way in which people can intimately connect.

Disrespectful Judgments in Your Marriage?

The communications that are most destructive in relationships are those that express criticism or impart a judgmental attitude. When couples meet with me and claim their major problem is "communication", most of the time the problem is actually feeling criticized or judged when communicating which leads to a very negative cycle of demand/withdraw that never seems to end.  I have written about Poisonous Criticism in a previous blog entry (March 2014).

Expressing disrespectful judgments to your partner or about your partner can also be poisonous. Of course, most of the time (not always) criticisms and judgments are made because one spouse feels mistreated or ignored and expresses his/her feelings about being mistreated or feeling alone with anger which is often felt as criticism or judgment. Successful relationships manage feelings of disappointment in a less angry or harsh manner.  Couples in strong marriages express their disappointments or needs in a softer manner vs. harsh manner ( such as criticism or judgment), which makes it easier for the other to respond non defensively or withdraw.

To help you think about how disrespectful judgments may be effecting your relationship, John Gottman (How Marriages Succeed or Fail), suggests the following experiments:

Ask your spouse or partner the following questions.  If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments. 

                     
                        1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"

                        2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?

                        3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to ;yours?

                        4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to
                             explain your position?

                         5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?

                         6.  Do I ever ridicule your point of view?

All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse.  :You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.

What's the answer then?  The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect.  Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else.  It also means that you honor the viewpoint of your spouse even though you may not agree with it.  If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though you spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE

A recent Psychology Today edition (10/15) included an article about the work of John Gottman which has long been in the public eye. I have extracted some the article's highlights. For example, it highlighted one of his most vocalized findings based on his research: to maintain a satisfying relationship, couples must generate five seconds of positive emotions for every one second of negative emotions during conflict discussions. That's because negative emotions, like criticism and defensiveness have more power to hurt a relationship than positive emotions have to help one. Why is that?

Negativity just makes a bigger impact on the brain, and unless we take steps to counteract it, slights will accumulate, continually accelerating the likelihood that partners will grow apart emotionally. Gottman emphasizes --and I totally agree--that love is an energy system and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what a partner does next:  connect or disconnect, support or demonize.

Based on research, Gottman has found that everyone on the planet automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative.  In committed relationships, to repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own.  That, says Gottman, is the measure of trust--the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment.  It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven year breakup point.

When one person can't offer the olive branch or the other can't accept it, when neither takes the initiative to change direction and de-escalate a fight, when criticism, contempt, and stonewalling take over, when negative comments and interactions outnumber positive ones--well, of course the relationship is in big trouble. Resentment will deepen and push you further away from each other.

In healthy relationships, we pay attention to what our partner needs and we aim to meet those needs as they arise, without worrying about getting the same thing or something equivalent in return. In healthy relationships, there is a general inclination to fulfill a partner's needs even when they conflict with one's own, without keeping an internal tit-for-tat tally. Consequently you always feel like there is someone permanently in your corner.   It's demonstrated by couples all the time in ways both big and small, like moving across the country to accommodate a partner's great new joy or going out for a mate's favorite Chinese food instead of your preferred Italian.  Sometimes a couple's respective needs can feel irresolvable and that may be the case.  But most of the time I believe it's possible for couples to empathize and compromise.

BOTTOM LINE:  THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON. IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience as I believe many people are inclined to believe.  Lasting love will NEVER just happen to you.  You can't "find" LASTING love.  You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."  Because it takes time, effort and energy.  And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to generate the positive energy that will tame the negative and make your marriage work.