When couples are in distress, it is usually because they don't feel emotionally safe with each other. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Do you love me? Want me?" The anger, the criticism and the demands that couples often employ are really cries to their lovers, to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a safe connection.
When that emotional bond or connection is lacking, we are swamped by what neuroscientists call "primal panic." That may sound dramatic, but it happens. We get anxious. Freud himself wrote: We are never so vulnerable as when we love. When we become anxious in our relationship, we generally do one of two things: we either become critical, judgmental and demanding or clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves.
Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually a protest over feeling disconnected or unsafe, impinged upon, or not loved or even wanted.
Our society emphasizes individuality and independence--important states of being, no doubt. Born to Be Free, as the song goes. The reality is that we also need to feel connected. Our brains are wired for connection and we are dependent on one another for that connection and staying engaged. The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, involved. Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one. We gaze at them longer, touch them more. We are emotionally present.
So, if we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other's call for attention and connection and respond with caring? Because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners. We are distracted or caught up in our own agendas. We do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care. We speak tentatively. Or we send out calls for connection tinged with anger and frustration because we do not feel confident and safe in our relationship. We wind up demanding and criticizing rather than requesting, which only leads to power struggles, defensiveness and distancing.
The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions become. When marriage fails, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness. Based on John Gottman's research, we now know that successful couples share five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Think about that! Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriage begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflicts come later.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
Become the Love Partner YOU Most Want To See!
First, I acknowledge that the theme of this post does not apply to every relationship especially when abuse, infidelity and addictions are involved and perhaps it is too late in some instances. But in most situations, I believe what I am writing about in this post is quite applicable, and perhaps primary for strong marriages.
Steven Stosny in his book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle: To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to see.
Hmmmm....interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work? When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.
Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner and both are bad:
1. You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and living person I truly am until you do what I want." (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassion, or loving or supportive, etc.)
2. Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be.
In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve!
So, according to Stosny, our best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you. Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate and supportive or resentful, demanding and critical. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relationship that are distressful to you. Not at all! It's the tone of how you bring them up that matters: compassionately (softly, giving benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.
But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to see. To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change your want to see.
So resist the urge to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program," The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your relationship, knowing how YOU can be there for your mate than what your spouse does for it. (Hmmmmm....I can hear you thinking "Are you sure about that Jim?" I hear a lot of "yes, buts!" and maybe some of them are understandable). But.......
........Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they're such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO for THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
So, bottom line, as Mahatma Gandhi said: You must be the change you wish to see. It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change. Think about it.
Steven Stosny in his book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle: To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to see.
Hmmmm....interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work? When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.
Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner and both are bad:
1. You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and living person I truly am until you do what I want." (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassion, or loving or supportive, etc.)
2. Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be.
In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve!
So, according to Stosny, our best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you. Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate and supportive or resentful, demanding and critical. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relationship that are distressful to you. Not at all! It's the tone of how you bring them up that matters: compassionately (softly, giving benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.
But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to see. To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change your want to see.
So resist the urge to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program," The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your relationship, knowing how YOU can be there for your mate than what your spouse does for it. (Hmmmmm....I can hear you thinking "Are you sure about that Jim?" I hear a lot of "yes, buts!" and maybe some of them are understandable). But.......
........Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they're such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO for THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
So, bottom line, as Mahatma Gandhi said: You must be the change you wish to see. It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change. Think about it.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
HOW DOES LOVE WORK?
When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause, as we are prone to believe. According to recent research, it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness. Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflicts come later. According to the research of John Gottman, couples who have an intimate responsive connection, are able to repair inevitable conflict. Without that love connection, conflicts will intensify, remain unresolved and emotional distancing will begin to undermine the relationship bond. How does that love connection work?
To shape this love connection, we have to be present, open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. A secure bond is achieved through mutual accessibility and responsiveness. Most of the couples who sit in my office feel they are losing that connection. In my work with couples, I do help them understand how their actions or ways of addressing each other contribute to their troubled relationship, but my main goal is to ultimately help couples strengthen their bond.
Making love work is also accepting that, even when it's good, it is always a work in progress. Just when you get it right, one of you changes! Ursula Le Guin, the novelist, reminds us that love "does not sit there like a stone. It has to be made like bread, remade all the time, made new."
So how does love work? Dr. Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight about what she has learned from her work with couples about how love works:
To shape this love connection, we have to be present, open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. A secure bond is achieved through mutual accessibility and responsiveness. Most of the couples who sit in my office feel they are losing that connection. In my work with couples, I do help them understand how their actions or ways of addressing each other contribute to their troubled relationship, but my main goal is to ultimately help couples strengthen their bond.
Making love work is also accepting that, even when it's good, it is always a work in progress. Just when you get it right, one of you changes! Ursula Le Guin, the novelist, reminds us that love "does not sit there like a stone. It has to be made like bread, remade all the time, made new."
So how does love work? Dr. Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight about what she has learned from her work with couples about how love works:
- Our need for others to come close when we call--to offer us safe haven--is absolute. When that kind of bond is created, love works.
- Emotion tells us exactly what we need, if we can listen to it and use it as a guide to express what we need from each other, not as an excuse for blaming or criticizing.
- There is no perfect performance in love or sex. Obsession with performance is a dead end. It is emotional presence that matters.
- In relationships, there is no simple cause and effect, no straight lines, only circles that partners create together. We pull each other into loops and spirals of connection and disconnection.
- We all hit the panic button at times. We lose our balance and slip into anxious controlling or blaming and avoiding modes. The secret is to not stay in these positions. It's too hard for your lover to meet you there.
- Neglect will kill love. Love needs attention. Knowing your attachment needs and responding to those of your lover can make a bond last until "death us do part." The secret is knowing how to express attachment needs and responding to each other without attacking or withdrawing.
- Emotional balance, calm, and vibrant joy are the rewards of love. Sentimental infatuation is the booby prize.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
DID YOU MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
How do you know if you married the right person? Ever ask that question?
Here's my answer.
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationship can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with our spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's call "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades--the euphoria. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship., Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because......THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.... Yes, that's a radical statement, not always the case, but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection, even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the the habits, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. I will write about what those habits are in my next blog entry.
Here's my answer.
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationship can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with our spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's call "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades--the euphoria. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship., Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because......THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.... Yes, that's a radical statement, not always the case, but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection, even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the the habits, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. I will write about what those habits are in my next blog entry.
Monday, December 15, 2014
BUILDING TRUST
So, following up on my last blog entry, how do couples build or restore trust? When it comes to infidelity, this is not always easy to do. For more information of how to restore trust after infidelity, go to my web site page at: http://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/infidelity.html
However, betrayal can be more than sexual infidelity or also abuse. It can be more subtle. It can happen in just one interaction.
In the other behaviors of betrayal (for example: your partner is never there for you), trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction there are chances of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship.
One evening I was in bed getting ready to relax and catch up on the day with my wife who was washing her face in the bathroom. She stayed longer than usual. I kept waiting. I called out, "Hon, are you coming to bed?" I got a closed mouth response....Yeah. Then when she finally got into bed, she remained very quiet and seemed distant.
I had a choice. I could simply turn out the light and say goodnight and literally turn away from her, feeling angry that she was so distant. Instead I turned to her, reached out and touched her arm and asked: "Are you OK? You seem so quiet." And she told me that yes, she was upset by a comment I had made to her at dinner. So I tuned in and asked her what I said and then we had a conversation so I could understand why she was so upset. After the conversation, I told her I understood her feelings and that I understood why she felt hurt. With a loving smile, she thanked me for asking about her and said she felt better.
Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I turned toward her and was there for her. In other words I was not choosing to turn away from her and thinking to myself how distant and angry she is and thinking, "I don't need this!" These are the moments, we've discovered, that either build trust or undermine it.
Of course, one moment of turning away is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship--very gradually, very slowly.
Another word for the basis of building trust is ATTUNEMENT. Attunement is being aware of your partner's emotion, turning toward the emotion, trying to understand your partner and responding non defensively or empathically.
I believe to achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune into our deepest needs and longing and share them with our partner and have your partner respond--a partner you know and feel is there for you. That is how trust is built.
However, betrayal can be more than sexual infidelity or also abuse. It can be more subtle. It can happen in just one interaction.
In the other behaviors of betrayal (for example: your partner is never there for you), trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction there are chances of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship.
One evening I was in bed getting ready to relax and catch up on the day with my wife who was washing her face in the bathroom. She stayed longer than usual. I kept waiting. I called out, "Hon, are you coming to bed?" I got a closed mouth response....Yeah. Then when she finally got into bed, she remained very quiet and seemed distant.
I had a choice. I could simply turn out the light and say goodnight and literally turn away from her, feeling angry that she was so distant. Instead I turned to her, reached out and touched her arm and asked: "Are you OK? You seem so quiet." And she told me that yes, she was upset by a comment I had made to her at dinner. So I tuned in and asked her what I said and then we had a conversation so I could understand why she was so upset. After the conversation, I told her I understood her feelings and that I understood why she felt hurt. With a loving smile, she thanked me for asking about her and said she felt better.
Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I turned toward her and was there for her. In other words I was not choosing to turn away from her and thinking to myself how distant and angry she is and thinking, "I don't need this!" These are the moments, we've discovered, that either build trust or undermine it.
Of course, one moment of turning away is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship--very gradually, very slowly.
Another word for the basis of building trust is ATTUNEMENT. Attunement is being aware of your partner's emotion, turning toward the emotion, trying to understand your partner and responding non defensively or empathically.
I believe to achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune into our deepest needs and longing and share them with our partner and have your partner respond--a partner you know and feel is there for you. That is how trust is built.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Trust and Betrayal
In all my years of counseling couples, the issue that seems to be most important is trust. Interestingly, this was recently confirmed in a report by John Gottman that for couples who struggled the most (30% of those surveyed), the number one issue that came up for them was trust and betrayal. He also discovered that there are different areas of trust, aside from the one that is most assumed : sexual and emotional betrayal.
The trust factor can best be defined with questions:
And it turns out that when social psychologists ask people in relationships, "What is the most desirable quality you're looking for in a partner when you're dating?", trustworthiness is number one. It's not being sexy or attractive. It's really being able to trust somebody.Trust is a fundamental principle for making relationships work.
Also, through Gottman's research, he found that trust is essential not only to healthy relationships but also healthy communities. Trust isn't just important for couples. It's also vital to neighborhoods and states and countries. Trust is central to what makes human communities work as well as marriages.,
In relationships there are a number of ways trust can be undermined and betrayed, such as:
The trust factor can best be defined with questions:
- Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I'm upset?
- Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends?
- Can I trust you to work for our family?
- To not take drugs?
- Can I trust you to not cheat on me and be sexually faithful?
- Can I trust you to respect me? Can I feel safe with you?
- To help with things in the house? To be involved with the children?
And it turns out that when social psychologists ask people in relationships, "What is the most desirable quality you're looking for in a partner when you're dating?", trustworthiness is number one. It's not being sexy or attractive. It's really being able to trust somebody.Trust is a fundamental principle for making relationships work.
Also, through Gottman's research, he found that trust is essential not only to healthy relationships but also healthy communities. Trust isn't just important for couples. It's also vital to neighborhoods and states and countries. Trust is central to what makes human communities work as well as marriages.,
In relationships there are a number of ways trust can be undermined and betrayed, such as:
- Conditional commitment-- "I'm here for you until somebody better comes along.,"
- A non-sexual affair, otherwise known as an emotional affair with someone. This most commonly occurs with colleague friendships at work and online relationships.
- Lying, e.g. keeping secrets from your partner.
- Absenteeism or coldness, e.g. emotional distance, anger, lack of empathy, not being responsive to your partner's needs or bids for connection, all of which can lead to lack of sexual and emotional intimacy.
- Disrespect--ongoing contempt and criticism conveying a superior attitude: "Any reasonable and intelligent person would see that your way makes no sense." A loving relationship is not about one person having the upper hand--it's about holding hands.
- Abuse--emotional and physical--the most destructive way. Unless addressed and stopped, it will completely destroy all trust. .
Thursday, November 13, 2014
The Masters and Disasters of Marriage
A recent article appeared in The Atlantic magazine entitled The Masters of Marriage. I strongly urge you to read the entire commentary (link listed below). I have edited the article for my blog entry to give you an idea of the substance of it but I urge everyone to read it in its entirety. The edited version:
John Gottman and his wife Julie and other social scientists have studied thousands of couples over the last four decades in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in his "love lab", the quicker their relationship deteriorated over time.
But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal--of being in fight-or-flight mode--in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.
The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, or what Gottman calls "bids." For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, "Look at that beautiful bird outside!" He's not just commenting on the bird here: he is requesting a response from his wife--a sign of interest or support--hoping they'll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn't --those who turned away--would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing.
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with 94 percent certainty whether couples will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated--feel loved.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don't. Or you can think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others. but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
Kindness doesn't mean that we don't express our anger," Julie Gottman explained, "but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you're hurt and angry, and that's the kinder path.."
We've all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner's good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship. In one study from 2006 a group of psychologists brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They wanted to know how partners would respond to each other's good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other's good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.
Lets say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like "I got into my top choice med school!"
If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event and say something like: "you wouldn't believe the great new I got yestereday! I won a free t-shirt!" If her partner responded in a passive constructive way he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical active destructive response is saying "That's great , babe," as he texes his buddy on his phone.
In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news this partner just got: "Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!
Finally, there's active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: "That's great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?"
Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. Research has discovered that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. (Being there for each other)
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it's often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up--with children, career, friends, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for intimacy--couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
( If you are interested in reading the entire article, which I recommend, go to: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/?single_page=true )
John Gottman and his wife Julie and other social scientists have studied thousands of couples over the last four decades in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in his "love lab", the quicker their relationship deteriorated over time.
But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal--of being in fight-or-flight mode--in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.
The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, or what Gottman calls "bids." For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, "Look at that beautiful bird outside!" He's not just commenting on the bird here: he is requesting a response from his wife--a sign of interest or support--hoping they'll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn't --those who turned away--would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing.
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with 94 percent certainty whether couples will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated--feel loved.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don't. Or you can think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others. but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
Kindness doesn't mean that we don't express our anger," Julie Gottman explained, "but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you're hurt and angry, and that's the kinder path.."
We've all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner's good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship. In one study from 2006 a group of psychologists brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They wanted to know how partners would respond to each other's good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other's good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.
Lets say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like "I got into my top choice med school!"
If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event and say something like: "you wouldn't believe the great new I got yestereday! I won a free t-shirt!" If her partner responded in a passive constructive way he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical active destructive response is saying "That's great , babe," as he texes his buddy on his phone.
In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news this partner just got: "Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!
Finally, there's active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: "That's great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?"
Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. Research has discovered that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. (Being there for each other)
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it's often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up--with children, career, friends, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for intimacy--couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
( If you are interested in reading the entire article, which I recommend, go to: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/?single_page=true )
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