"There is no such thing as constructive criticism," says John Gottman. "All criticism is painful." I agree. We never like to hear that there is something "wrong" with us, or that something needs changing, especially if this message is coming from the loved one we most depend on.
The latest research which measures the impact of critical, hostile comments made by loved ones shows just how venomous disparagement by those we rely on can be. This censure may even trigger relapse of mental illness and most often depression. One brain research scientist calls criticism from a loved one "low-grade punches to the brain."
Criticism sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected for not being good enough and/or abandoned. It makes sense that such scorn makes it infinitely harder to hold on to our mental equilibrium and emotional balance. I have often noticed that partners usually have no clue as to the real impact of their negative judgments.
A client once said: "But mature adults should be able to deal with criticism. It's really just feedback or the need to stand up for myself." to which I answer: "But this is YOU giving feedback that he is disappointing you and you are your partner's main source of safe connection. He no longer feels safe in his most important relationship. That' s why he attacks back or sometimes withdraws."
Sue Johnson in her recent book, Love Sense, writes about what she terms "poisonous criticism": Criticism virtually guarantees that our partner will be caught up in fear and unable to hear our message and will become defensive and try to withdraw.
So how should a couple address their issues? John Gottman writes about softened start-up vs. harsh start up. For a conflict discussion to succeed you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and then convert any complaint about your partner into a positive need. Instead of saying for example: Stop sulking! say, I wish you would tell me why you seem so distant. You seem sad. Are you ok? Or instead of blaming and withdrawing and saying: You're so unloving, you're into your own world all the time! say: Honey, I'm missing you, I think I just need to be with you and maybe cuddle a little bit. In other words, speak from you own needs and emotions in a non blaming and unapologetic tone that will invite a better chance for dialogue, sharing and a more positive response.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
The All or Nothing Marriage
Interestingly this past Sunday, the New York Times Sunday Review had another lead article on marriage: The All or Nothing Marriage. I am personally uncomfortable with the title because, well, if you can't have it all, forget about it! It's an attitude which epitomizes our "consumer culture" which has infiltrated the institution of marriage itself: Hey, if things are not exactly what you expected in marriage, move on, move out, have an affair, get divorced, find someone else. Nevertheless there were some poignant, unsettling and challenging comments made about the present state of modern marriage that I am passing on to you, such as:
......The average marriage today is weaker than the average marriage of yore, in terms of both satisfaction and divorce rate, but the best marriages today are much stronger, in terms of both satisfaction and personal well-being, than the best marriages of yore.
......Our (the author's) central claim is that Americans today have elevated their expectations of marriage and can in fact achieve an unprecedentedly high level of marital quality--but only if they are able to invest a great deal of time and energy in their partnership. If they are not able to do so, their marriage will likely fall short of these new expectations. Indeed, it will fall further short of people's expectations than at any time in the past.
.....Since around 1965, we have been living in the era of self-expressive marriage. Americans now look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth..
.....Though satisfying higher-level needs yields greater happiness, serenity and depth of inner life, people must invest substantially more time and energy in the quality of their relationship when seeking to meet those higher-level needs...
.....But on average Americans are investing less in their marriages--to the detriment of those relationships.
.....One of the most disturbing facts about American marriage today is that while divorce increased at similar rates for the wealthy and the poor in the 1960s and 70s, those rates diverged sharply starting around 1980. (The divorce rates have climbed much higher among the poor and less educated, due to unemployment and juggling jobs because of low salaries.)
What can be done? First and foremost, couples can choose to invest more time and energy in their marriage, perhaps by altering how they use whatever shared leisure time is available. But if couples lack the time and energy, they might consider adjusting their expectations, perhaps by focusing on cultivating an affectionate bond without trying to facilitate each other's self-actualization.
I very much agree with that last statement (which I underlined). It is the lack of affectionate bond that I find increasingly common among couples who come into my office. My goal, of course, is to help couples find ways to be there for each other in a more meaningful and consistent way. And if you want to read more about that "affectionate bond" and how it is lost or well as how it can be sustained, I strongly urge you to read Sue Johnson's (with whom I have trained) latest book: Love Sense. Order it now!
If you are interested in reading the entire NY Times article go to :
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=1
......The average marriage today is weaker than the average marriage of yore, in terms of both satisfaction and divorce rate, but the best marriages today are much stronger, in terms of both satisfaction and personal well-being, than the best marriages of yore.
......Our (the author's) central claim is that Americans today have elevated their expectations of marriage and can in fact achieve an unprecedentedly high level of marital quality--but only if they are able to invest a great deal of time and energy in their partnership. If they are not able to do so, their marriage will likely fall short of these new expectations. Indeed, it will fall further short of people's expectations than at any time in the past.
.....Since around 1965, we have been living in the era of self-expressive marriage. Americans now look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth..
.....Though satisfying higher-level needs yields greater happiness, serenity and depth of inner life, people must invest substantially more time and energy in the quality of their relationship when seeking to meet those higher-level needs...
.....But on average Americans are investing less in their marriages--to the detriment of those relationships.
.....One of the most disturbing facts about American marriage today is that while divorce increased at similar rates for the wealthy and the poor in the 1960s and 70s, those rates diverged sharply starting around 1980. (The divorce rates have climbed much higher among the poor and less educated, due to unemployment and juggling jobs because of low salaries.)
What can be done? First and foremost, couples can choose to invest more time and energy in their marriage, perhaps by altering how they use whatever shared leisure time is available. But if couples lack the time and energy, they might consider adjusting their expectations, perhaps by focusing on cultivating an affectionate bond without trying to facilitate each other's self-actualization.
I very much agree with that last statement (which I underlined). It is the lack of affectionate bond that I find increasingly common among couples who come into my office. My goal, of course, is to help couples find ways to be there for each other in a more meaningful and consistent way. And if you want to read more about that "affectionate bond" and how it is lost or well as how it can be sustained, I strongly urge you to read Sue Johnson's (with whom I have trained) latest book: Love Sense. Order it now!
If you are interested in reading the entire NY Times article go to :
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=1
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
LOVE ILLUMINATED
As Valentine's Day approaches, the New York Times, Sunday February 9th Book Review magazine focused on books about love and marriage. My favortie is a review of Love Illuminated by Daniel Jones, who has edited the Modern Love feature since 2004. Another favorite book is Love Sense, which I will write about in a separate blog entry.
Love Illuminated presents itself as a report on the most happening, most now kind of "love," yet at heart supports a life philosophy as conventional as Cosmoploitan Magazine. Because what the book is really about is what everything from "Sex and the City" to "Fifty Shades of Grey" is really about: marriage. For all of its celebration of the "modern," the off-kilter and the nontraditional, the pounding pulse of Love Illuminated is the poignant quest for a legal and permanent union.
Daniel Jones also writes about his own marriage to Cathi Hanauer. Interestingly, we were promised an exploration of life's most mystifying subject, but instead what we keep coming back to is a study of life's least mystifying subject: how it might come to pass that two like-minded graduate students in the same creative writing program might fall in love, get married, learn that marriage is not composed of an unfolding series of every-heightened erotic pleasures, and yet still manage, year after year, to keep their leaky but serviceable vessel out of dry dock.
Cathi and Daniel's library includes stacks of books on marriage with titles like "Should I Stay or Go?" But in the end, their dedication to their partnership has kept it going, produced children, created a shared history and an extended family, shelter from the storm--the whole shebang. And this, we gather is what eager readers of Love Illuminated are really after, too: not so much the bright spark of passion, but rather the banked fires of mutual commitment and shared checking accounts.
Love Illuminated suggests that marriage is possible for everyone. You just have to keep trying and -let's face it--think about lowering your standards: "Be realistic about who might love you" is the sobering, if time honored recommendation of one section of the book. Of course, lowering your standards does not mean one should just live with infidelities, abuse or addictions. In my book, unless there is acknowledgement, admission, apology and quest for help, those are deal breakers.
"Otherwise," writes Caitlin Flanagan, the author of the review, "have your fun along the way, but remember it comes at a cost....and yet, even in this rotten modern world--famously short on certitude, peace or even a non-maddening chore rotation--it is still possible for two people to be true to each other." And love each other.
Love Illuminated presents itself as a report on the most happening, most now kind of "love," yet at heart supports a life philosophy as conventional as Cosmoploitan Magazine. Because what the book is really about is what everything from "Sex and the City" to "Fifty Shades of Grey" is really about: marriage. For all of its celebration of the "modern," the off-kilter and the nontraditional, the pounding pulse of Love Illuminated is the poignant quest for a legal and permanent union.
Daniel Jones also writes about his own marriage to Cathi Hanauer. Interestingly, we were promised an exploration of life's most mystifying subject, but instead what we keep coming back to is a study of life's least mystifying subject: how it might come to pass that two like-minded graduate students in the same creative writing program might fall in love, get married, learn that marriage is not composed of an unfolding series of every-heightened erotic pleasures, and yet still manage, year after year, to keep their leaky but serviceable vessel out of dry dock.
Cathi and Daniel's library includes stacks of books on marriage with titles like "Should I Stay or Go?" But in the end, their dedication to their partnership has kept it going, produced children, created a shared history and an extended family, shelter from the storm--the whole shebang. And this, we gather is what eager readers of Love Illuminated are really after, too: not so much the bright spark of passion, but rather the banked fires of mutual commitment and shared checking accounts.
Love Illuminated suggests that marriage is possible for everyone. You just have to keep trying and -let's face it--think about lowering your standards: "Be realistic about who might love you" is the sobering, if time honored recommendation of one section of the book. Of course, lowering your standards does not mean one should just live with infidelities, abuse or addictions. In my book, unless there is acknowledgement, admission, apology and quest for help, those are deal breakers.
"Otherwise," writes Caitlin Flanagan, the author of the review, "have your fun along the way, but remember it comes at a cost....and yet, even in this rotten modern world--famously short on certitude, peace or even a non-maddening chore rotation--it is still possible for two people to be true to each other." And love each other.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
How to Overcome Disrespectful Judgments
To follow up on my last blog entry, The Problem of Anger in Relationships, I want to write about ways to overcome disrespectful judgments. As I stated in the last entry, anger is often expressed in judgmental tones, which will only lead to more intense negativity and defensiveness in your relationship.
Ask your spouse or partner the following questions. If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments.
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse. You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.
What's the answer, then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of you spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.
Ask your spouse or partner the following questions. If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments.
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse. You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.
What's the answer, then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of you spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.
Friday, January 10, 2014
The Problem of Anger in Relationships
Many people argue that anger is a normative and often healthy emotion, that it motivates us to stick up for our rights, values, boundaries, and helps protect us in dangerous situations. This may be true but there is a very corrosive aspect to anger in close relationships that often overshadows any possible benefits.
In relationships, feeling angry often means having increased negative emotional arousal. This in turn churns out judgments. Judgments then increase arousal, which produces more judgments, which leads to inaccurate and ineffective expression of emotions and desires, which then result in misunderstanding and conflict. Judgments identify things or people or their actions as right or wrong. One problem with making judgments is that logic tells us that things that are wrong must be stopped. But typically the things we judge are simply things we don't like. We want them to stop or be different but they are not necessarily wrong.
So what's the alternative? Description has the power to defuse this destructive cycle of judgments, negative arousal, misunderstanding and conflict. When you notice a judgment rising up in your brain or notice anger, try to describe the situation and your reaction without judging. If we can describe the situation and describe our primary emotional reactions, emotions can be soothed and it will be easier for your partner to hear you and understand why are are feeling disappointed. Your emotional reality is probably different from your partner's and so your partner may not always understand why you are hurt. If you only express your emtional needs with an angry tone, your partner will only see(feel) your anger, feel that you are judging him/her and will either attack back defensively or withdraw.
For example, when Oscar comes home late, sometimes Joan starts feeling lonely or taken for granted. As the feeling becomes stronger, she begins to feel angry. She starts thinking "Oscar is so inconsiderate. He never considers or asks what I want or how I'm feeling. He is so inconsiderate!" If she expresses that message to Oscar in that tone, when he returns home, he will probably either start a defensive argument with her or turn on the TV to escape.
In relationships, feeling angry often means having increased negative emotional arousal. This in turn churns out judgments. Judgments then increase arousal, which produces more judgments, which leads to inaccurate and ineffective expression of emotions and desires, which then result in misunderstanding and conflict. Judgments identify things or people or their actions as right or wrong. One problem with making judgments is that logic tells us that things that are wrong must be stopped. But typically the things we judge are simply things we don't like. We want them to stop or be different but they are not necessarily wrong.
So what's the alternative? Description has the power to defuse this destructive cycle of judgments, negative arousal, misunderstanding and conflict. When you notice a judgment rising up in your brain or notice anger, try to describe the situation and your reaction without judging. If we can describe the situation and describe our primary emotional reactions, emotions can be soothed and it will be easier for your partner to hear you and understand why are are feeling disappointed. Your emotional reality is probably different from your partner's and so your partner may not always understand why you are hurt. If you only express your emtional needs with an angry tone, your partner will only see(feel) your anger, feel that you are judging him/her and will either attack back defensively or withdraw.
For example, when Oscar comes home late, sometimes Joan starts feeling lonely or taken for granted. As the feeling becomes stronger, she begins to feel angry. She starts thinking "Oscar is so inconsiderate. He never considers or asks what I want or how I'm feeling. He is so inconsiderate!" If she expresses that message to Oscar in that tone, when he returns home, he will probably either start a defensive argument with her or turn on the TV to escape.
However, if she described her experience, she would notice the anger getting stronger and judgmental and know that expressing it as such will just make things worse. So she might say, "You know hon, sometimes when you come home late, I really start missing you and I actually start feeling angry. I don't know. I guess I just need more time with you. I miss you. We are both so busy with our work and the kids. You know what I mean?" Chances are, Oscar will be more receptive and empathic toward Joan's feelings which might lead to a more open, intimate conversation.
One benefit of the strength of anger is that it is easy to notice and noticing anger can become a signal or alarm that we are going down a destructive path. We can learn to notice this alarm and can respond by first, reorienting our attention to look for judgments, second, letting judgments go and not giving them power, and third, turning our attention to description instead--describing your emotions, thoughts and wants..
Describing is one of the most effective ways to get a more balanced place, to interrupt rising reactivity and to keep yourself from acting in ways that make things worse. Remember this: no one can survive a marriage (at least not happily), if they feel more judged than admired.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
What I Believe About Marriage and Divorce
I often work with couples who are on the brink of divorce. In those cases, the counseling I offer is often referred to as discernment counseling--working with couples to help them decide if divorce is the only option, versus working on their relationship for 3-6 months to see if it can be healed and restored. Based on my training with the Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota, these are the principles by which I work:
What I Believe About Divorce:
- Divorce is usually an attempt to solve a problem that people think can't be solved in any other way.
- Some divorces are necessary in order to prevent further harm in a destructive relationship (emotional and physical abuse, ongoing infidelity, addictions).
- Some divorces are ultimately unavoidable because one party decides on divorce despite the wishes of the other party.
- Some people behave destructively enough over a long time that they lose their claim on their spouse's commitment.
- However, many of today's divorces could be prevented if both parties took steps to work on their marriage before it was too late.
- Healthy, life-long marriage has unique value for individuals, families and communities.
- Life-long commitment is especially difficult in today's throwaway, consumer oriented culture.
- Children have an important stake in the health and endurance of their parents' marriage.
- Marital commitment brings obligations to work on a troubled marriage before giving up (like, You know, I'm feeling more and more emotional distance and anger in our marriage. I really need to talk about this with you, maybe even see a counselor to help us. Otherwise, I am concerned about how unhappy I am feeling)
What I Believe About Healing:
- Human beings have the capacity to move past anxiety, distrust, and hostility and relate to each other from our highest selves (our core values--like compassion, faithfulness, and commitment-- even (or especially) when times are hard).
- Restoring a marriage must not come at the expense of one of the partners. Love and fairness must go hand in hand.
- The key is whether both spouses want to restore the marriage to health.
- When both spouses devote themselves fully and with proper help to restoring their marriage to health, they can usually make it.
I married you because you gave me a promise.
That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine.
Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise
that made the marriage.
that made the marriage.
And when the children were growing up, it wasn't a house
that protected them;
that protected them;
and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.
-Thorton Wilder
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The Importance of Apology in Marriage
Based on my extensive work with couples and also recent research, I have come to believe more than ever, that here is no doubt that sincere apology is absolutely essential. Sincere apology is so essential to relationship maintenance that it can hardly be stressed too much.
It goes without saying that the most important elements of apology are sincerity and follow-through, i..e.,feel what you say and "walk the walk," and not just "talk the talk."
Research indicates that satisfying apologies are quite different for different people. An acceptable apology for you might not work for your partner and vice versa. Tell your partner what you need to feel reassured that the hurtful behavior is unlikely to recur. Of course, with repeated infractions, the requirements to feel safe will be greater.
Reconciliation: You will find it impossible to apologize sincerely or effectively if you see it as submission. Sincere apology is never submission. In fact, it is one of the more beautiful of human interactions: reconciliation. The primary purpose of apology is to restore eventual (not necessarily immediate) connection. It is never to defend your ego. Apology must not:
1. Come from your core value(e.g.integrity, honesty), and sympathize with the effect of your behavior
on your partner. (In fact, use this as an opportunity to decide what your core value(s) actually is.)
2. State how important your partner's well being is to you.
3. State how sorry you are that you've done something to hurt your partner and/or break your connection.
4. Offer recompense: "How can I make it up to you?"
5. If the offense is recurring, describe an action-plan to prevent future repetition of the offending behavior (which violated your core value to the extent that it hurt your partner or your relationship).
Action plan to prevent repeating the same behavior:
-- Identify the antecedents of the hurtful behavior--what you were thinking, feeling, and doing, as well as the state of your physical resources (e.g., hungry, tired, thirsty, headache, having consumed more that two drinks or more than two cups of coffee, or eaten too much sugar) immediately before the infraction.
-- Give the details of how you will act differently under similar conditions in the future: "This is what I will do to remind myself how much I value you when similar conditions occur in the future."
If you're receiving an apology, don't see it as an opportunity for retaliation or revenge. (The surest way to discourage apology is to criticize or punish someone for doing it.) If your partner's apology seems insufficient, acknowledge the repair attempt, then state what more you need to feel safe.
Mastering the art and science of apology not only does wonders for your relationship, it puts you solidly in touch with your core value. When solidly in touch with your core value, you feel more authentic and valuable, with no need for defenses of resentment or anger.
All the best to you and your families in this season of gratitude and thankfulness. Have a warm Thanksgiving around the table or wherever you are with those you love. Jim
It goes without saying that the most important elements of apology are sincerity and follow-through, i..e.,feel what you say and "walk the walk," and not just "talk the talk."
Research indicates that satisfying apologies are quite different for different people. An acceptable apology for you might not work for your partner and vice versa. Tell your partner what you need to feel reassured that the hurtful behavior is unlikely to recur. Of course, with repeated infractions, the requirements to feel safe will be greater.
Reconciliation: You will find it impossible to apologize sincerely or effectively if you see it as submission. Sincere apology is never submission. In fact, it is one of the more beautiful of human interactions: reconciliation. The primary purpose of apology is to restore eventual (not necessarily immediate) connection. It is never to defend your ego. Apology must not:
- Be contingent on your partner apologizing
- Be tempered by excuses
- Have any element of blame ("It takes one to know one.")
- Seek immediate forgiveness (Trust must be restored gradually through behavior that demonstrates trustworthiness over time.)
1. Come from your core value(e.g.integrity, honesty), and sympathize with the effect of your behavior
on your partner. (In fact, use this as an opportunity to decide what your core value(s) actually is.)
2. State how important your partner's well being is to you.
3. State how sorry you are that you've done something to hurt your partner and/or break your connection.
4. Offer recompense: "How can I make it up to you?"
5. If the offense is recurring, describe an action-plan to prevent future repetition of the offending behavior (which violated your core value to the extent that it hurt your partner or your relationship).
Action plan to prevent repeating the same behavior:
-- Identify the antecedents of the hurtful behavior--what you were thinking, feeling, and doing, as well as the state of your physical resources (e.g., hungry, tired, thirsty, headache, having consumed more that two drinks or more than two cups of coffee, or eaten too much sugar) immediately before the infraction.
-- Give the details of how you will act differently under similar conditions in the future: "This is what I will do to remind myself how much I value you when similar conditions occur in the future."
If you're receiving an apology, don't see it as an opportunity for retaliation or revenge. (The surest way to discourage apology is to criticize or punish someone for doing it.) If your partner's apology seems insufficient, acknowledge the repair attempt, then state what more you need to feel safe.
Mastering the art and science of apology not only does wonders for your relationship, it puts you solidly in touch with your core value. When solidly in touch with your core value, you feel more authentic and valuable, with no need for defenses of resentment or anger.
All the best to you and your families in this season of gratitude and thankfulness. Have a warm Thanksgiving around the table or wherever you are with those you love. Jim
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