50 Examples of Talking and Touching

     Fifty Ways to Talk and Touch.......I know, 50 ways is a lot.  Some of them may feel too awkward.  Choose 3 or 4 that you feel drawn to and begin practice with your mate until you are not just doing homework but actually feeling a connection. It may happen right away, or it may take a few days. Then come back and perhaps choose a couple of more ways to talk, touch, and connect with your spouse.               Jim Covington

       1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's decisions.

       2. Share dessert with one fork.

       3. What was "Your song" when you were dating?  Call your spouse and sing it to them.

       4. Surprise visit your spouses at their office or home and give them a kiss...and then leave.

       5. Play footsie next time you sit together.

       6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your spouse.

       7. Ask how your spouse's day went....and really listen.

       8. Kiss your spouse upon waking.

       9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping.

     10. Caress your spouses' hand.

     11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while driving.

'    12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each other.

     13. Sit on  your spouse's lap or sit them on yours.

     14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing.

     15. Call your spouse out of the blue to them them know you are thinking of them.

     16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage.

     17. Share a story from the news or your day that you though was interesting.

     18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's looking.

     19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all over again you'd choose them.

     20. Share a problem--thank your spouse for their concern.

     21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in bed.

     22. Fall asleep holding hands.

     23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time they leave the house.

     24. Call you spouse at work with the latest news.

     25. Have a tickle "fight".

     26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake your recently mad.

     27. Think of 3 ways your spouse had made you a better person...tell them now.

     28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite physical trait.

     29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud.

     30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of your gaze...share your feelings.

     31. Share what you most admire about your spouse.

     32. Have a "remember when?" moment.

     33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a challenging time in your life.

     34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you are in the same room.

     35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce.

     36. Hold hands under the table.

     37. Brush you mate's hair out of his/her eyes.

     38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him with love.

     39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch her with love.

     40. Knead the same dough together.

     41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking.

     42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability to over come a problem.

     43. Listen to your spouse's worries--ask how you can help.

     44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ...deliver it with a kiss.

     45. Send your spouse a fax with your special "code words" for I Love You!

     46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock...wake them with a message.

     47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while he/she is reading.

     48. Before parting tell your spouse you can't wait to see him/her again.

     49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt anyone.

     50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping.

CONTEMPT.....and The Four Rules for a Better America

I recently read an article by John Gottman (relationship research psychologist) about contempt and I want to share it with you not only because of contempt's devastating effect in marriages, but also in the politics of our country.

According to Gottman, contempt is the most harmful communication style in relationships.  Contempt is belittling and disrespectful.  Contempt mocks others with sarcasm and ridicule and assumes a position of moral superiority.

How can you be so stupid?    You're such a loser!

You're tired? !  Cry me a river. I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games.  I don't have time to deal with another kid.  Could you be any more pathetic?

In recant years, contempt has become the predominant style of communication in our politics.  I am now reading a recently published book entitled Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt(Arthur C. Brooks). Interestingly, John Gottman has also addressed this issue as manifested in our political landscape.  From political debates on television to comment threads on social media, we see people treating each other with contempt all the time.  The dialogue has become "us" vs "them."  And that deludes us into thinking we're better than other people.  It's dangerous.

We can start political reconciliation by talking about our shared why instead of our divided what. In John Gottman's words, strong relationships are the basis of a stable society. And based on that statement, Gottman offers his Four Rules for a Better America.  From this perspective, these are the things you can do to stitch America back together while still maintaining your points of views.

Rule 1: Focus on  other people's distress and focus on it empathically.
Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, an essential quality for successful relationships.  You don't have to agree with someone to empathize with them.

Rule 2: Keep your positive vs negative comments and interactions at a ratio of 5:1
Hmmm....You have the power to do this.  The positive things you say versus the criticisms that you level should be at a 5:1 ratio at least.  That means five affirming, praising, and loving tweets and Facebook comments for every critical one.

Rule 3: Avoid contempt with everybody, all the time.
No exceptions.  It's bad for you and it's bad for the country if you treat anybody with contempt.

Rule 4: Learn to cooperate and have dialogue with those of whom you disagree. 
See out and be around people who are different that you are.  Before you speak, see if you understand what the speaker before you has said.  Listen to understand, and then frame your rebuttal.

If we all follow these rules, together, we can make ours a better country.

                       Jim Covington, www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com
                                              jimcoving1@aol.com

THE AFFAIR-PRONE MARRIAGE

One of the more traumatic experiences in marriages is infidelity and I don't us the word "traumatic" lightly.  Healing and forgiveness are possible, but it will take time and commitment.

Research points to certain characteristics that are most often linked to infidelity.  Some of these factors have to do with the individual. Being raised in a family where having affairs is considered normal is one example.

Having the type of personality that values excitement and risk taking over marital stability is another.

Your social environment also has a big impact.  If you're surrounded by coworkers and friends who believe that affairs are OK, you're less likely to stay true to your partner.

The nature of you marriage is an important factor as well.  People who feel angry and emotionally distant from their spouses are more likely to look outside the marriage for a sense of closeness.

In her book "Not Just Friends," Shirley Glass presents a compelling description of the way many happily married people unwittingly make their marriages vulnerable to affairs.  The problem often starts when coworkers form secret emotional attachment to each other by crossing small boundaries that are needed to protect their marriages.  Glass asserts that in a committed relationship, ca couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them up.l

Couples in conflict-avoiding marriages may especially be prone to affairs, according to Glass's analysis.  This is because when something occurs in a conflict avoiding couple's life that raises new issues (a baby is born, or one spouse is stressed at work) the partner avoids expressing difficult feelings or stating new needs in order to "keep the peace."  But this lack of sharing can cause one or both partners to fee lonely.

Meanwhile, the lonely partner may happen to have an intense conversation with somebody outside the marriage.  This partner may know on a gut level that they should let their spouse in on this development and the feelings it brings up.  They could say something like "I have the most intense conversation with Chris at the office today.  And it made me realize that you and I haven't talked like that in a long time and that worried me.  But as we know, a revelation like this may lead to a heated argument--so the lonely partner puts off discussing the situation.  And as a result he or she now has a secret.

Couples who want to heal the damage that affairs created usually benefit from working with a marriage counselor.  Several studies have shown that marital therapy can be quite effective in helping couples to recover from an affair.  My own work has shown that shared therapy can create a safe space for the betrayed partner to express pain and get the answers he or she needs.  At the same time a trained therapist can steer that partner away from expression of rage that would he harmful to their relationship.  Instead the couple focuses on communication that helps to rebuild feelings of fondness, admiration and therefore, renewed and deepened emotional connection.

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

How To Address the Inevitable Conflicts in Marriage

   Try to remember: Conflict happens in every relationship, and it's a myth to believe that in a happy relationship you'll get along all the time.  Relationship conflict serves a purpose.  It's an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your differences.

    A happy relationship isn't the result of having a lot of things in common--as we often think.  It comes from knowing how to address your core differences in a way that supports each other's need and dreams.  This is how trust is sustained.  Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on.  Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.

    According to the Gottman research, it is a myth that happily married people don't complain about each other's behavior.  We all have our own idiosyncratic needs, desires, rhythms, and habits.  And these needs are bound to collide, producing strong emotions.

    Constantly stifling your complaints is not a good idea.  Doing so can cause you to hold on to angry, resentful feelings toward your partner.  You may develop a state of mind we call "negative sentiment override," where your bad thoughts about your partner override any positive thoughts about them.  You may then begin to stockpile your grievances.  Your negative feelings fester and grow resulting in one of two outcomes:  You either distance yourself emotionally to avoid the pain or you lash out.,  Either alternative leads to further emotional distance.

    There is an alternative to either stifling or exploding, however.  Partners can learn to express their needs (i.e., complain) in ways that are respectful(in tone), clear, and specific.  When you do this, your partner is more likely to hear your complain and respond to it if you express it in this way and complaining in a healthy way actually helps to solve problems, build intimacy and strengthen the relationship.

    Examples: (from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, John and Julie Gottman)

    Healthy Complaining: We haven't been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget. What do you think?  Harmful Complaining: You know why we haven't had a vacation for two years??  Because you don't save....you waste our money on stupid things all the time, on things for yourself!

    Healthy Complaining:  You know, I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together, and you invited your mother.  I love your mother, but I have to admit I feel a little hurt and disappointed. Can we try another evening? Harmful Complaining:  I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together and you invited your mother!! How can you be such a clueless, insensitive dolt?!

    Healthy Complaining: Pick a time to complain about the problem when your partner can listen and respond.  Harmful Complaining: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children.

    In summary: Complain without criticizing and look for the longing in each other's complaints.  Then express and accept appreciation for the empathetic understanding.     Jim Covington

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

Resisting the Urge to Blame

Blaming may feel good in the moment, but the effects can be disastrous.  Even if you feel angry at your partner, it doesn't mean that your words should be harsh or critical.  In fact, in order to get your message across, it's vital to avoid blaming via criticism or contempt.  While expressing anger or blame can get your point across, it will also erode your intimate bond.

If you attack with criticism, your partner will likely become defensive and blame you right back.  They may also get flooded and be unable to focus on the discussion and cause it to escalate.

Conversations like this eventually create emotional distance because the more critical and contemptuous you are, the more you will chip away at your friendship.  Choosing your words and emotions with care is not easy.  It takes practice, but once you start using this approach, it can repair and actually strengthen your bond over time.

So the next time you get angry, stop and think about why you're angry.  Is it because you're embarrassed? Worried? Feeling alone and/or rejected?  Tell you partner what you feel and what you need.  Learning to recognize when anger isn't really what you're feeling is a skill used by emotionally intelligent couples(John Gottman).

For example, this is how Ruth feels after h husband bailed on their date night?

I'm so angry at you.  You always cancel on me to meet up with your friends. You make me feel so small and unimportant.

The key emotion here is feeling unimportant.  Once she identifies this, she can communicate in such a way that her partner can understand her.

Ruth: Is this a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind?  STEVE:  It is.

Ruth: I feel unimportant when we make plans and you cancel them. I am sure you don't mean to make me feel that way.  Can we make time this week to do something together?

By focusing on your feelings beneath the anger, you welcome your partner to offer empathy and make a repair instead of becoming defensive.  Instead of starting a fight, you're starting a respectful dialogue about your feelings.  You are also asking your partner to be on your team.

Couples who understand that respect, kindness and love are more effective than harshness and criticism are what Dr. John Gottman calls The Masters of Relationships. 

The Importance of Emotional Validation

Distressed relationships are full of invalidation and low in validation, while happy and successful relationships include heavy doses of validation and little invalidation.

What is emotional validation?  Have you ever wished when you are upset about something that your partner would just listen rather than jump in and try to solve the problem or argue with you or say nothing?  Validation between partners is the communication of understanding and acceptance.   When we respond in a validating way, we communicate that we understand a person's experience (emotions, desire, pin, thoughts) or actions and accept them  You may not agree with your partner's view, but what's important is that you understand your partner's emotions.  Validation has something in common with empathy (understanding the other person's experience), but it also requires clear communication of that understanding.

Why is validation important? Responding to your partner's disclosures with validation or empathy communicates that you are paying attention, interested in your partner's experience (wants, emotions, thoughts) and understanding his or her experience.  Validation communicates that you are not interested primarily in arguing or interested primarily in being right (and your partner being wrong). Validation helps the other person express himself or herself accurately, which in turn facilitates your further understanding.

Validation soothes emotions. There is something very basic about being understood and accepted.  When someone we love communicates that she or he understands and accepts what we are thinking, how we are feeling, what we are wanting, we feel relieved, comforted and soothed.

Validation builds trust and closeness.  Couples who have had a lot of disagreement and regularly have invalidated each other typically develop a virtually instant, hair-trigger alert to the possibility of the other partner invalidating them.  This clearly communicates mistrust that your disclosures and expressions will b valued and understood and accepted.  The good news is that with validation, mistrust evaporates and trust builds.  In addition, when partners feel understood,valued, and accepted, they naturally feel close to each other. 

Two Ways of Being Together

Passively Together:  Even partners who are unhappy in their relationship and engage in a lot of conflict typically spend a lot of time in each other's presence, physically being in the same house or the same room, or at the same table, or sleeping in the same bed.  Yet, during these times, they may not interact with each other and more importantly, may not focus any positive attention on each other.  This an be considered being passively together.

Each of these situation  is a lost opportunity to practice being together in ways that soothe loneliness, reduce negative reactivity, and foster closeness and togetherness.  In time, the passively together may become a mostly hostile together because of the growing emotional distance and loneliness.

Actively Together: Alternately, you can be aware of each other's presence, notice what each other is doing, and feel a lot more collaborative and a lot closer emotionally whenever you are in close physical proximity.  Being actively together means occupying the same emotional space, letting your judgments and criticisms go(at least temporarily), and allowing yourself to appreciate or enjoy each other's company.

For example: 1.  The next time you are eating a meal with your partner, take a few seconds every few minutes to notice and take in that your partner is there, eating, sitting, being together with.

2. I you fall asleep after your partner or wake up before he or she does, take a few seconds to notice that you are in bed together, sharing the same bed, same blankets and each other's body warmth.  Just notice how it feels to be lying and sleeping together(even if you are not touching each other in any way), rather than sleeping alone in the same bed.

3. When you both are doing things around the house, (doing chores, getting ready for your day, getting ready for bed, reading the newspaper), take a few seconds to be aware of your partner, notice what she or he is doing and that you are together in your life.,  Making soft eye contact will deepen the connection even more.,

In other words, being mindfully aware of and present with each other, paying attention, even silently, can help nurture and strengthen your emotional bond--without which no marriage can be very fulfilling.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry......     Jim Covington