THE AFFAIR-PRONE MARRIAGE

One of the more traumatic experiences in marriages is infidelity and I don't us the word "traumatic" lightly.  Healing and forgiveness are possible, but it will take time and commitment.

Research points to certain characteristics that are most often linked to infidelity.  Some of these factors have to do with the individual. Being raised in a family where having affairs is considered normal is one example.

Having the type of personality that values excitement and risk taking over marital stability is another.

Your social environment also has a big impact.  If you're surrounded by coworkers and friends who believe that affairs are OK, you're less likely to stay true to your partner.

The nature of you marriage is an important factor as well.  People who feel angry and emotionally distant from their spouses are more likely to look outside the marriage for a sense of closeness.

In her book "Not Just Friends," Shirley Glass presents a compelling description of the way many happily married people unwittingly make their marriages vulnerable to affairs.  The problem often starts when coworkers form secret emotional attachment to each other by crossing small boundaries that are needed to protect their marriages.  Glass asserts that in a committed relationship, ca couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them up.l

Couples in conflict-avoiding marriages may especially be prone to affairs, according to Glass's analysis.  This is because when something occurs in a conflict avoiding couple's life that raises new issues (a baby is born, or one spouse is stressed at work) the partner avoids expressing difficult feelings or stating new needs in order to "keep the peace."  But this lack of sharing can cause one or both partners to fee lonely.

Meanwhile, the lonely partner may happen to have an intense conversation with somebody outside the marriage.  This partner may know on a gut level that they should let their spouse in on this development and the feelings it brings up.  They could say something like "I have the most intense conversation with Chris at the office today.  And it made me realize that you and I haven't talked like that in a long time and that worried me.  But as we know, a revelation like this may lead to a heated argument--so the lonely partner puts off discussing the situation.  And as a result he or she now has a secret.

Couples who want to heal the damage that affairs created usually benefit from working with a marriage counselor.  Several studies have shown that marital therapy can be quite effective in helping couples to recover from an affair.  My own work has shown that shared therapy can create a safe space for the betrayed partner to express pain and get the answers he or she needs.  At the same time a trained therapist can steer that partner away from expression of rage that would he harmful to their relationship.  Instead the couple focuses on communication that helps to rebuild feelings of fondness, admiration and therefore, renewed and deepened emotional connection.

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

How To Address the Inevitable Conflicts in Marriage

   Try to remember: Conflict happens in every relationship, and it's a myth to believe that in a happy relationship you'll get along all the time.  Relationship conflict serves a purpose.  It's an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your differences.

    A happy relationship isn't the result of having a lot of things in common--as we often think.  It comes from knowing how to address your core differences in a way that supports each other's need and dreams.  This is how trust is sustained.  Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on.  Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.

    According to the Gottman research, it is a myth that happily married people don't complain about each other's behavior.  We all have our own idiosyncratic needs, desires, rhythms, and habits.  And these needs are bound to collide, producing strong emotions.

    Constantly stifling your complaints is not a good idea.  Doing so can cause you to hold on to angry, resentful feelings toward your partner.  You may develop a state of mind we call "negative sentiment override," where your bad thoughts about your partner override any positive thoughts about them.  You may then begin to stockpile your grievances.  Your negative feelings fester and grow resulting in one of two outcomes:  You either distance yourself emotionally to avoid the pain or you lash out.,  Either alternative leads to further emotional distance.

    There is an alternative to either stifling or exploding, however.  Partners can learn to express their needs (i.e., complain) in ways that are respectful(in tone), clear, and specific.  When you do this, your partner is more likely to hear your complain and respond to it if you express it in this way and complaining in a healthy way actually helps to solve problems, build intimacy and strengthen the relationship.

    Examples: (from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, John and Julie Gottman)

    Healthy Complaining: We haven't been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget. What do you think?  Harmful Complaining: You know why we haven't had a vacation for two years??  Because you don't save....you waste our money on stupid things all the time, on things for yourself!

    Healthy Complaining:  You know, I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together, and you invited your mother.  I love your mother, but I have to admit I feel a little hurt and disappointed. Can we try another evening? Harmful Complaining:  I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together and you invited your mother!! How can you be such a clueless, insensitive dolt?!

    Healthy Complaining: Pick a time to complain about the problem when your partner can listen and respond.  Harmful Complaining: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children.

    In summary: Complain without criticizing and look for the longing in each other's complaints.  Then express and accept appreciation for the empathetic understanding.     Jim Covington

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

Resisting the Urge to Blame

Blaming may feel good in the moment, but the effects can be disastrous.  Even if you feel angry at your partner, it doesn't mean that your words should be harsh or critical.  In fact, in order to get your message across, it's vital to avoid blaming via criticism or contempt.  While expressing anger or blame can get your point across, it will also erode your intimate bond.

If you attack with criticism, your partner will likely become defensive and blame you right back.  They may also get flooded and be unable to focus on the discussion and cause it to escalate.

Conversations like this eventually create emotional distance because the more critical and contemptuous you are, the more you will chip away at your friendship.  Choosing your words and emotions with care is not easy.  It takes practice, but once you start using this approach, it can repair and actually strengthen your bond over time.

So the next time you get angry, stop and think about why you're angry.  Is it because you're embarrassed? Worried? Feeling alone and/or rejected?  Tell you partner what you feel and what you need.  Learning to recognize when anger isn't really what you're feeling is a skill used by emotionally intelligent couples(John Gottman).

For example, this is how Ruth feels after h husband bailed on their date night?

I'm so angry at you.  You always cancel on me to meet up with your friends. You make me feel so small and unimportant.

The key emotion here is feeling unimportant.  Once she identifies this, she can communicate in such a way that her partner can understand her.

Ruth: Is this a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind?  STEVE:  It is.

Ruth: I feel unimportant when we make plans and you cancel them. I am sure you don't mean to make me feel that way.  Can we make time this week to do something together?

By focusing on your feelings beneath the anger, you welcome your partner to offer empathy and make a repair instead of becoming defensive.  Instead of starting a fight, you're starting a respectful dialogue about your feelings.  You are also asking your partner to be on your team.

Couples who understand that respect, kindness and love are more effective than harshness and criticism are what Dr. John Gottman calls The Masters of Relationships. 

The Importance of Emotional Validation

Distressed relationships are full of invalidation and low in validation, while happy and successful relationships include heavy doses of validation and little invalidation.

What is emotional validation?  Have you ever wished when you are upset about something that your partner would just listen rather than jump in and try to solve the problem or argue with you or say nothing?  Validation between partners is the communication of understanding and acceptance.   When we respond in a validating way, we communicate that we understand a person's experience (emotions, desire, pin, thoughts) or actions and accept them  You may not agree with your partner's view, but what's important is that you understand your partner's emotions.  Validation has something in common with empathy (understanding the other person's experience), but it also requires clear communication of that understanding.

Why is validation important? Responding to your partner's disclosures with validation or empathy communicates that you are paying attention, interested in your partner's experience (wants, emotions, thoughts) and understanding his or her experience.  Validation communicates that you are not interested primarily in arguing or interested primarily in being right (and your partner being wrong). Validation helps the other person express himself or herself accurately, which in turn facilitates your further understanding.

Validation soothes emotions. There is something very basic about being understood and accepted.  When someone we love communicates that she or he understands and accepts what we are thinking, how we are feeling, what we are wanting, we feel relieved, comforted and soothed.

Validation builds trust and closeness.  Couples who have had a lot of disagreement and regularly have invalidated each other typically develop a virtually instant, hair-trigger alert to the possibility of the other partner invalidating them.  This clearly communicates mistrust that your disclosures and expressions will b valued and understood and accepted.  The good news is that with validation, mistrust evaporates and trust builds.  In addition, when partners feel understood,valued, and accepted, they naturally feel close to each other. 

Two Ways of Being Together

Passively Together:  Even partners who are unhappy in their relationship and engage in a lot of conflict typically spend a lot of time in each other's presence, physically being in the same house or the same room, or at the same table, or sleeping in the same bed.  Yet, during these times, they may not interact with each other and more importantly, may not focus any positive attention on each other.  This an be considered being passively together.

Each of these situation  is a lost opportunity to practice being together in ways that soothe loneliness, reduce negative reactivity, and foster closeness and togetherness.  In time, the passively together may become a mostly hostile together because of the growing emotional distance and loneliness.

Actively Together: Alternately, you can be aware of each other's presence, notice what each other is doing, and feel a lot more collaborative and a lot closer emotionally whenever you are in close physical proximity.  Being actively together means occupying the same emotional space, letting your judgments and criticisms go(at least temporarily), and allowing yourself to appreciate or enjoy each other's company.

For example: 1.  The next time you are eating a meal with your partner, take a few seconds every few minutes to notice and take in that your partner is there, eating, sitting, being together with.

2. I you fall asleep after your partner or wake up before he or she does, take a few seconds to notice that you are in bed together, sharing the same bed, same blankets and each other's body warmth.  Just notice how it feels to be lying and sleeping together(even if you are not touching each other in any way), rather than sleeping alone in the same bed.

3. When you both are doing things around the house, (doing chores, getting ready for your day, getting ready for bed, reading the newspaper), take a few seconds to be aware of your partner, notice what she or he is doing and that you are together in your life.,  Making soft eye contact will deepen the connection even more.,

In other words, being mindfully aware of and present with each other, paying attention, even silently, can help nurture and strengthen your emotional bond--without which no marriage can be very fulfilling.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry......     Jim Covington

The Problem of Anger in Relationships

Many people argue that anger is a normative and often healthy emotion, that motivates us to stick up for our rights, values, boundaries, and helps protect us in dangerous situations.  This all may be true in addressing societal issues.  But there is a very corrosive aspect to anger in close relationships that often overshadow any possible benefits.

In relationships, feeling angry means having increased negative emotional arousal; this in turn churns out judgments. Judgments then increase arousal which produces more judgments, which leads to inaccurate and ineffective expression of emotions and desires, which then results in misunderstanding and conflict, which rarely leads to effective changes.  Thus, angry feelings and angry expressions in close relationships almost always create distance, and distance is the enemy of closeness and intimacy.  So, what is the alternative when you don't like something?

In a word: Description.  Description has the power to defuse this destructive cycle of judgments, negative arousal, misunderstanding, and conflict. If we can describe the situation, describe our inner reactions (emotions, wants, disappointments) most often our emotions will be soothed and we will return to a more balanced perspective and then act effectively(Nhat Hanh).  The benefit of anger is that it is easy to notice, and noticing anger can become a signal or alarm that we are going down a destructive path.  We can learn to notice this alarm and can respond by first, reorienting our attention to look for judgments; second, letting judgments go; and third, turning our attention to description instead.

For example, my wife is very busy with travels and meetings and sometimes I get angry because she is so busy with other matters.  Sometimes, I feel she is emotionally unavailable and begin to feel lonely.  So if I say to her: "Suzanne, you are so emotionally absent with me.  You don't ever think of me.  You're in your own world.  What is wrong with you?  Everybody comes first. I always come last.  You should see a therapist!"  But when I said that to her, she did not want to spend more time with me!  She just got defensive and argued with me!

So one day, following John Gottman's description of "softened start up" I said (describing to her): "You know, I have been feeling lonely lately.  I know you have a lot on your plate (kind acknowledgement), but I guess to be honest, I just need more of you.  A couple of weeks ago when we sat down after dinner and talked about our day, that really felt nice.  I just need more of you.  I really miss you."  And guess what?  She turned to me and said "I'm sorry, sweetie.  I didn't mean to be so absent, but I understand.  I guess I kind of feel that way too. So, you know what, let's do it now!"       

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.......  Jim Covington

The "Good Enough" Relationship

     Do you have a good enough relationship? What’s that? It sounds like settling for less than best.  However, through my counseling approach, I see myself actually encouraging couples to strive for the “good enough” relationship.

    In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they’re treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal.

This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict can actually be healthy, if you know how to deal with conflict, because it leads to greater understanding.

    People should not expect to solve all of the problems in their relationship, either. John Gottman has discovered in his research almost ⅔ of relationship conflict is perpetual. As Dr. Dan Wile (After The Fight) says, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”

   That doesn’t mean that you settle for being treated poorly. In his empirically-based theory, John Gottman describes what couples in the good enough relationship do and have. They are good friends. They trust one another, and are fully committed to one another. They have a satisfying sex life. They can manage conflict constructively. That means they can arrive at mutual understanding and get to compromises that work. And they can repair effectively when they hurt one another.

They honor one another’s dreams, even if they’re different. They create a shared meaning system with shared values and ethics, beliefs, rituals, and goals. They agree about fundamental symbols like what a home is, what love is, and how to raise their children.

Expect that. You deserve it. It’s not unreasonable, and it’s achievable. 

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.