According to John Gottman, renowned research psychologist and marriage counselor, there are many myths about relationships that are not only false but potentially destructive. They are dangerous because they can lead couples down the wrong path, or worse, convince them that their marriage is a hopeless case. The notion that you can save your relationship just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages, but it's hardly the only one. Gottman has identified other misconceptions:
1. Conflict is a sign that you're in a bad relationship. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. Furthermore, conflict is there for a reason--to improve our understanding of our partner. Conflict usually arises from missed attempts to communicate, especially in one person attempting to get emotionally close to the other. Conflict also emerges from discrepancies between partners in expectations. These are worth talking about.
2. Love is enough. Love is not enough, because in most marriages--especially after a baby arrives--people stop courting one another and they stop making romance, fun, meaningful conversations and adventure a priority. Relationships have a tendency to become endless to-do lists, and conversation becomes limited to errand talk. You need to intentionally make (or keep) the emotional connecting parts of a relationship a priority.
3. Talking about past emotional wounds will only make them worse. Faulkner once said, "The past is never dead. It's not even past." It is possible to process past emotional injuries. You can't change the past but you can change your recollection and retelling of it.
4. Better relationships are ones in which people are more independent of and less needy of one another. Interdependence is what relationships are all about. In healthy relationships, people try to meet one another's needs. They adopt the motto, "when you're hurting, baby, the world stops and I listen."
5. If you have to work at communication, it's sure sign that you're not soulmates. The sure thing is that if you don't work at communication, the relationships will deteriorate over time, just like a car that's not taken care of will fall apart. All relationships require work. The work in relationships is down-regulating your own defensiveness and listening to your partner.
6. If a relationship needs therapy, it's already too late. That may be true for couples who have been fighting for so long that there is no emotional connection at all. However, there are 900,000 divorces a year in the USA, and fewer than 10%(!) of those couples that divorce ever talk to a professional. Couples therapy is now very effective and many of these couples could have made it work had they sought help.
7. What couples fight about most is sex, money, and in-laws. The one thing that couples fight about most is nothing. These fights result from failed bids to connect emotionally. In these small moments, it's important to turn towards instead of turning away.
8. All relationship conflicts can be resolved. Quite the opposite. In fact, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual(they keep recurring), so what is required is acceptance of one another's personality differences. Couples will need to dialogue about these perpetual issues to avoid gridlock and resentment. The goal then is to manage conflict, not resolve it.
9. All relationship conflicts are the same. Some conflicts are deal breakers and, for those issues, compromise can be very difficult. It's important to understand your "non-negotiables" when it comes to conflict. What are you willing to give up?
10. It's compatibility that makes relationships work. It's diversity that makes relationships interesting We are not looking for our clones. They famous T-shirt study by Claus Wedekind shows that the pheromones we find most sexy are from people most genetically different from us Agreeability and conscientiousness are the characteristics that people really mean when they talk about "compatibility." These qualities are indexed by a person being able to say things like "Good point," or "That's interesting, tell me more" or, "You may be right, and I may be wrong" during a disagreement.
11. Living alone with occasional relationships is a lifestyle choice that is equivalent in terms of life outcomes to being married. Social epidemiology has shown that--everywhere on the planet--people who live alone die sooner, are less healthy, are less wealthy, and recover from illness slower than people who are married. This is especially true of men, who have much worse social support networks than women. When men are in a committed relationship their social networks increase.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
ON BEING PRESENT WITH YOUR MATE
I believe the bottom line of any loving relationship is "being present." What does that mean? It means being responsive when your partner is reaching out to you, or as John Gottman puts it, "making a bid for connection." and feeling that you are responding in an attentive, respectful, interested manner--i.e. "being present." The ground of any strong relationship is the emotional connection one feels with his/her partner. When that connection is missing, couples will inevitably become distant or start arguing about issues that don't really matter.
In every relationship, couples periodically make what Dr. Gottman calls "bids" for each other's attention, affection, or support. Bids can be as insignificant as "please turn down the heat" to as significant as helping a partner care for a sick child.
In these moments, we have a choice to turn toward our partner or away from them. If we turn toward, we build trust and emotional connection
Dr. Gottman often jokes that "everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay." Foreplay happens in the grocery store when you partner ask, "We have milk?" and you respond, "I'm not sure. I'll grab some," rather than shrugging your shoulder apathetically.
In a six-year study of newlyweds, Dr. Gottman found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner's bids 86% of the time in his lab, while those who divorced turned towards each other only 3% of the time.
The number one thing couples fight about is not money or in-laws, or sex. There are exceptions, of course, but most arguments in relationships are about a failure to connect emotionally.
Sometimes we do not recognize when our partner is making a bid for connection because it's wrapped in criticism, or so it seems. We react to their negativity and miss the opportunity to connect.
For example, Chris wants Lisa to come to bed but she is returning work email. His bid is "Please come to bed with me" but comes out as, "You're on email now? You had all evening!"
If Lisa focuses on his plea and not his tone, she has the opportunity to respond positively: "Good point. I'll be right there." So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for the bid beneath their harsh words. Then focus on the bid, not the delivery. If you find it difficult not to react defensively, take five really deep breaths. Then ask your partner. "What do you need right now from me?"
If wrapping bids in criticism is a habit in your relationship, work on softening your start-up.
In every relationship, couples periodically make what Dr. Gottman calls "bids" for each other's attention, affection, or support. Bids can be as insignificant as "please turn down the heat" to as significant as helping a partner care for a sick child.
In these moments, we have a choice to turn toward our partner or away from them. If we turn toward, we build trust and emotional connection
Dr. Gottman often jokes that "everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay." Foreplay happens in the grocery store when you partner ask, "We have milk?" and you respond, "I'm not sure. I'll grab some," rather than shrugging your shoulder apathetically.
In a six-year study of newlyweds, Dr. Gottman found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner's bids 86% of the time in his lab, while those who divorced turned towards each other only 3% of the time.
The number one thing couples fight about is not money or in-laws, or sex. There are exceptions, of course, but most arguments in relationships are about a failure to connect emotionally.
Sometimes we do not recognize when our partner is making a bid for connection because it's wrapped in criticism, or so it seems. We react to their negativity and miss the opportunity to connect.
For example, Chris wants Lisa to come to bed but she is returning work email. His bid is "Please come to bed with me" but comes out as, "You're on email now? You had all evening!"
If Lisa focuses on his plea and not his tone, she has the opportunity to respond positively: "Good point. I'll be right there." So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for the bid beneath their harsh words. Then focus on the bid, not the delivery. If you find it difficult not to react defensively, take five really deep breaths. Then ask your partner. "What do you need right now from me?"
If wrapping bids in criticism is a habit in your relationship, work on softening your start-up.
Monday, December 5, 2016
EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT HUSBANDS ARE A KEY TO A LASTING MARRIAGE
In a long-term study of 120 newlywed couples, Dr. John Gottman* discovered that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce.
Meet Lauren and Steven.** While Steven believes an equal partnership is the key to a happy and lasting marriage, his actions speak differently.
Steven: "The guys and I are going fishing this weekend. We are leaving later tonight."
Lauren: "But my girlfriends are staying with us on Friday, and I need help cleaning the house tonight. We talked about this. How could you forget? Can you leave tomorrow morning?"
Steven: "How did you forget I have my guys trip? I can't change our departure schedule. We are leaving in a few hours."
Lauren's anger boils. She calls him a "selfish asshole" and storms out of the kitchen. Feeling overwhelmed, Steven pours himself a glass of whisky and turns on the football game.,
When Lauren walks back into the room to talk, he stonewalls her. She starts to cry. He announces he needs to work on his truck and leaves the room.
Arguments like these are full of accusations, making it difficult to determine the underlying cause. What is clear is Steven's unwillingness to accept Lauren's influence.
REJECTING INFLUENCE
It's not that marriage can't survive moments of anger, complaints, or criticism. They can. Couples get in trouble when they match negativity with negativity (see my last post The Way We Speak to Each Other), instead of making repairs to de-escalate conflict, Dr. Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that 65% of men increase negativity during an argument.
Steven's response doesn't show that he hears Lauren's complaint. Instead, he responds with defensiveness and sends a complaint right back: Why didn't she remember his plans?
(My point is not to insult men in this case, or women either in other scenarios. It takes two to make a marriage work and it is just as important for both wives and husbands to treat each other with honor and respect.)
This doesn't mean women don't get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. Data suggest that men do not return the favor. Statistically speaking,Dr. Gottman's research shows there is an 81 % chance that a marriage will self-implode when a man is unwilling to share power.
WHAT MEN CAN LEARN FROM WOMEN
There are books that say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. While this isn't literally true, men and women often do feel alien to each other.
This starts in childhood. When boys play games, their focus is on winning, not their emotions or the others playing. If one of the boys get hurt, he gets ignored. After all, "the game must go on."
With girls, feelings are often the first priority. When a tearful girls says, "we're not friends anymore," the game stops and only starts again if the girls make up. Gottman explains: "the truth is that 'girlish' games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships."
TWO ROADS DIVERGED
The husband who lacks emotional intelligence rejects his wife's influence because he fears a loss of power. And because he is unwilling to accept influence, he will not be influential.
The emotionally intelligent husband is interested in his wife's emotions because he honors and respects her. While this man may not express his emotions in the same way his wife does, he will learn how to better connect with her.
When she needs to talk, he'll turn off the football game and listen. He will pick "we" over "me." He will understand his wife's inner world, continue to admire her, and communicate this respect by turning towards her. His relationship, sex life, and overall joy will be far greater than the man who lacks emotional intelligence.
Because this man is deeply connected to his wife, she will go to him when she is stressed, upset, and overjoyed. She'll even go to him when she is aroused.
HOW TO ACCEPT INFLUENCE
Dr. Gottman suspects men who resist their wives influence do so without realizing it. Accepting influence is both a mindset and a skill cultivated by paying attention to your spouse every day. This means building your Love Maps, expressing your fondness and admiration, and accepting bids for connection. (Gottman's Sound Marital House)
And when conflict happens, the key is to understand your partner's point of view and be willing to compromise. Do this by identifying your inflexible areas and searching for something both of you can agree to.
For Example: Steven understands that Lauren is stressed about having company when the house is a mess. While he may not be able to delay his trip until the next morning, he can push it back to later that evening so he can help her around the house first. Maybe instead of Steven vacuuming and wiping down the counters (:typically his task), Lauren could wipe them down in the morning before her friends arrive so Steven could leave a little earlier with his buddies.
Accepting your partner's influence is a great strategy for gaining more respect, power and influence. Want to have a happy and stable marriage? Make your commitment to your partner stronger than you commitment to winning. If you do that, your marriage wins. ***
* Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Also, I have excerpted this blog post from one of John Gottmans' posts. I really liked it and think it's important for couples, men especially, to read.
** In the example provided, Lauren's negativity is realistic (and understandable) because her needs are not being met. There tends to be criticism and frustration from both partners in these relationships. With that said, if Lauren had softened her start-up, Steven may have received it better and accepted her influence.
Meet Lauren and Steven.** While Steven believes an equal partnership is the key to a happy and lasting marriage, his actions speak differently.
Steven: "The guys and I are going fishing this weekend. We are leaving later tonight."
Lauren: "But my girlfriends are staying with us on Friday, and I need help cleaning the house tonight. We talked about this. How could you forget? Can you leave tomorrow morning?"
Steven: "How did you forget I have my guys trip? I can't change our departure schedule. We are leaving in a few hours."
Lauren's anger boils. She calls him a "selfish asshole" and storms out of the kitchen. Feeling overwhelmed, Steven pours himself a glass of whisky and turns on the football game.,
When Lauren walks back into the room to talk, he stonewalls her. She starts to cry. He announces he needs to work on his truck and leaves the room.
Arguments like these are full of accusations, making it difficult to determine the underlying cause. What is clear is Steven's unwillingness to accept Lauren's influence.
REJECTING INFLUENCE
It's not that marriage can't survive moments of anger, complaints, or criticism. They can. Couples get in trouble when they match negativity with negativity (see my last post The Way We Speak to Each Other), instead of making repairs to de-escalate conflict, Dr. Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that 65% of men increase negativity during an argument.
Steven's response doesn't show that he hears Lauren's complaint. Instead, he responds with defensiveness and sends a complaint right back: Why didn't she remember his plans?
(My point is not to insult men in this case, or women either in other scenarios. It takes two to make a marriage work and it is just as important for both wives and husbands to treat each other with honor and respect.)
This doesn't mean women don't get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. Data suggest that men do not return the favor. Statistically speaking,Dr. Gottman's research shows there is an 81 % chance that a marriage will self-implode when a man is unwilling to share power.
WHAT MEN CAN LEARN FROM WOMEN
There are books that say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. While this isn't literally true, men and women often do feel alien to each other.
This starts in childhood. When boys play games, their focus is on winning, not their emotions or the others playing. If one of the boys get hurt, he gets ignored. After all, "the game must go on."
With girls, feelings are often the first priority. When a tearful girls says, "we're not friends anymore," the game stops and only starts again if the girls make up. Gottman explains: "the truth is that 'girlish' games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships."
TWO ROADS DIVERGED
The husband who lacks emotional intelligence rejects his wife's influence because he fears a loss of power. And because he is unwilling to accept influence, he will not be influential.
The emotionally intelligent husband is interested in his wife's emotions because he honors and respects her. While this man may not express his emotions in the same way his wife does, he will learn how to better connect with her.
When she needs to talk, he'll turn off the football game and listen. He will pick "we" over "me." He will understand his wife's inner world, continue to admire her, and communicate this respect by turning towards her. His relationship, sex life, and overall joy will be far greater than the man who lacks emotional intelligence.
Because this man is deeply connected to his wife, she will go to him when she is stressed, upset, and overjoyed. She'll even go to him when she is aroused.
HOW TO ACCEPT INFLUENCE
Dr. Gottman suspects men who resist their wives influence do so without realizing it. Accepting influence is both a mindset and a skill cultivated by paying attention to your spouse every day. This means building your Love Maps, expressing your fondness and admiration, and accepting bids for connection. (Gottman's Sound Marital House)
And when conflict happens, the key is to understand your partner's point of view and be willing to compromise. Do this by identifying your inflexible areas and searching for something both of you can agree to.
For Example: Steven understands that Lauren is stressed about having company when the house is a mess. While he may not be able to delay his trip until the next morning, he can push it back to later that evening so he can help her around the house first. Maybe instead of Steven vacuuming and wiping down the counters (:typically his task), Lauren could wipe them down in the morning before her friends arrive so Steven could leave a little earlier with his buddies.
Accepting your partner's influence is a great strategy for gaining more respect, power and influence. Want to have a happy and stable marriage? Make your commitment to your partner stronger than you commitment to winning. If you do that, your marriage wins. ***
* Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Also, I have excerpted this blog post from one of John Gottmans' posts. I really liked it and think it's important for couples, men especially, to read.
** In the example provided, Lauren's negativity is realistic (and understandable) because her needs are not being met. There tends to be criticism and frustration from both partners in these relationships. With that said, if Lauren had softened her start-up, Steven may have received it better and accepted her influence.
Friday, December 2, 2016
THE WAY WE SPEAK TO EACH OTHER
From my years of counseling couples, it has become so obvious that the way a couple speaks to each other when there is a complaint or disagreement or disappointment, can make a huge difference in whether or not reconciliation or acknowledgement or understanding can ever be achieved. Consequently, resentment and emotional distancing will increase over time.
When we're angry about not being heard, or feeling used or unsupported, we may automatically resort to any number of below-the -belt tactics. We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and honey I need you to do it") to a damning generalization: ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through!!"). Perhaps we throw in a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality") and bring in another party or two to bolster our case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees.") While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy. And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching, and blaming tone.
Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.
Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change. It focuses on actions, not character judgments. The "lightly served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice. People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice. Silliness helps enormously as when one of my friends' wife threatened to charge him rent if he keeps putting his clothes on her desk.
A constructive complaint looks like this: You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you. You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch') and appreciate that there are other women in the world who would be happy living with someone who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration, and you apologize for them.
At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ( "Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?) and figure out how to compromise on you different styles. You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction. After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight. You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belonging on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them, if anything.
After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive "harsh" kind) is one of the "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it. For anyone who has that intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?"
When you have a specific complaint, aim for accuracy. Anyone who is criticized inaccurately may hear only the exaggerations and inaccuracies and become unable to consider the valid point being made.
Also don't overstate your point. Avoid globalizing words like "always" and "never." If your husband came home late from work six times last month, don't exaggerate the number. People on the receiving end of criticism shut down on the spot if they catch an error or believe that they are being held responsible for more than their fair share of the problem. I recall any number of stupid fights with my wife when I flatly refused to apologize because she was blaming me for 75 percent of the problem and I was convinced I was only, um, maybe 52 percent to blame.
Bottom line: we all have the right to express our hurt and disappointments to each other. Express your disappointment coming FROM SELF--your legitimate needs--rather that AT your partner.
When we're angry about not being heard, or feeling used or unsupported, we may automatically resort to any number of below-the -belt tactics. We leap from the facts ("You said you'd clean up the kitchen and honey I need you to do it") to a damning generalization: ("When you say you'll do something, I can never count on you to follow through!!"). Perhaps we throw in a label ("I can't believe how insensitive you are") along with a diagnosis ("You have a narcissistic personality") and bring in another party or two to bolster our case ("My therapist thinks that you're passive aggressive, and my sister agrees.") While we're at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way ("You may think I'm your mother, but I'm not here to serve you like she did") and remind him that he needs therapy. And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching, and blaming tone.
Wonder of wonders that our partners don't seem to appreciate our feedback.
Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner's capacity to change. It focuses on actions, not character judgments. The "lightly served" part is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice. People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice. Silliness helps enormously as when one of my friends' wife threatened to charge him rent if he keeps putting his clothes on her desk.
A constructive complaint looks like this: You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he's a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you. You "own" the problem ("I'm just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch') and appreciate that there are other women in the world who would be happy living with someone who didn't pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration, and you apologize for them.
At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation ( "Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?) and figure out how to compromise on you different styles. You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction. After all, you couldn't transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight. You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belonging on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them, if anything.
After studying thousands of married couples, marriage expert John Gottman concluded that criticism (the nonconstructive "harsh" kind) is one of the "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," which can clip-clop into the heart of a marriage and can destroy it. For anyone who has that intention, Gottman suggests adding the gibe "What's wrong with you?"
When you have a specific complaint, aim for accuracy. Anyone who is criticized inaccurately may hear only the exaggerations and inaccuracies and become unable to consider the valid point being made.
Also don't overstate your point. Avoid globalizing words like "always" and "never." If your husband came home late from work six times last month, don't exaggerate the number. People on the receiving end of criticism shut down on the spot if they catch an error or believe that they are being held responsible for more than their fair share of the problem. I recall any number of stupid fights with my wife when I flatly refused to apologize because she was blaming me for 75 percent of the problem and I was convinced I was only, um, maybe 52 percent to blame.
Bottom line: we all have the right to express our hurt and disappointments to each other. Express your disappointment coming FROM SELF--your legitimate needs--rather that AT your partner.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
The Inevitability of Conflict in Marriage
CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS ALL COUPLES CAN LEARN
Conflict in all relationships is inevitable, including marriage. There are several skills, as discovered through the research of John Gottman, that couples can learn to help them resolve conflict productively. I am not going to list them all in this post. Instead I am going to list one skill per post for the next few days. As a result, you can read one at a time rather than a whole list of them and then take a day or two to think about the skill I describe, talk about it with your mate, begin to internalize it and learn to practice it. Here's the first one:'
1. Practice physiological self-soothing. Take a time out when conflict arises and you find yourself feeling ore and more overwhelmed or flooded with negative emotions which make you feel like withdrawing (become silent or leave the room) or make you want to yell and emotionally attack your partner,expressing harsh judgments and name calling ("What's wrong with you! You never listen to me!")
Instead, let your partner know that you are feeling too upset to talk and that you need to take a break . The conversation has become to heated. It's impossible to resolve anything when you are in this state. But then always return to talk about the issue 20 - 30 minutes later, or at most, within 24 hours. Don't continue the argumentative dialogue in your head., Take a walk. Finish a chore. Read a book. Call a friend (but not to talk about the conflict!). Do whatever it take to breathe, calm down, and return to a better frame of mind that will hopefully enable you to listen and not react.....to accept responsibility for your own behavior and not act defensively.....to empathize and not blame....and hopefully begin to feel that you can be there for each other.
So that's the first skill. Think about it. Talk to each other about it. Work on practicing it.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
HOW TO OVERCOME DISRESPECTFUL JUDGMENTS
I believe disrespectful judgments are a core reason spouses become argumentative and emotionally distant. A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a point of view, or a system of values and beliefs on the other. When most people feel judged, they will either react defensively or turn away. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own point of view is right and her husband is woefully misguided--and tells him so--she enters a minefield.
Disrespectful judgments can cause enormous tension and defensiveness in relationships. And they never work and sometimes can even be abusive because they can cause unhappiness. If we think we have the right to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.
How can you know if you're a perpetrator of disrespectful judgments? The simplest way to find out is to ask your spouse. But you may be a little confused as to what exactly you should ask. To help you ask the right questions, check John Gottman's Disrespectful Judgments Questionnaire:
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues"
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse. You do not agree, so you try to "make" your spouse agree with you.
What's the answer then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of your spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse's point of view is stupid, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.
Friday, August 19, 2016
The Number One Thing Couples Fight About
The Number One Thing Couples Fight About.......This topic was addressed in a recent blog post I received from John Gottman. According to Gottman, the number one problem couples fight about is nothing. I found the article so interesting, so right on, I have decided to edit it a bit and pass it on. Here it is:
When they first met, he was something different. Mesmerizing. Passionate. But now there is a huge space between them, and it keeps getting bigger.
She's frustrated and lonely. He is angry and focuses all of his energy on work. Yesterday they were trying to pick a place to grab dinner. Here's what happened:
Christina starts: "I'm hungry. Let's grab dinner."
"Sounds good to me. What do you feel like eating?" Brad asks.
"I don't know...you?" replies Christina.
"I feel like pizza. Let's do that," he says licking his lips.
"I don't want pizza,' she complains.
"Okay, what do you want then?" Brad asks again, this time with a tone of frustration.
"I don't know," she says with a puzzled look on her face.
"What about seafood?" Brad suggests, desperately wanting to make a decision.
"No. That doesn't sound good to me," Christina responds.
"You always put down every idea I make." Brad storms out of the room.
Christina starts crying. She feels lonely again. How has something so small turned into something so big? What are they really fighting about?
According to the Einstein of Love, Dr. John Gottman, the #1 thing couples fight about is nothing. Sometimes relationships feel like we are emotionally shooting each other over the simplest things. Things can blow up over which show to watch on Netflix, where to go to dinner, or which part of the house needs cleaning first.
Meaningless Fights Can Make or Break Trust
Rarely do couples ever sit down, create an agenda, and argue over a specific topic such as finances. Sometimes they do, but typically they hurt each other's feelings in seemingly meaningless moments that appear to be about absolutely nothing.
What matters is not the fight itself. What matters is how partners respond to negative emotions in the relationship. If couples see the conflict as an opportunity for growth, they can attune to each other and increase their understanding of one another, deepening their trust in each other and in the relationship....which is what I attempt to help couples do while they are in counseling)
If partners dismiss the negative emotions in these situations, they may eventually reconnect with one another, but trust will erode a little. Over time, small and meaningless incidents will compound until partners are left feeling hurt, sad, and alone.
Instead of reaching out for each other's hand, you begin pointing fingers and crossing arms. Instead of talking all night, you feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Maybe it's been so long since you connected with each other that you feel like cellmates instead of soulmates.
Why Relationships Fail
Negative events will always happen in relationship, but that isn't what turns us into cellmates. Relationships fail when couples begin to focus on the problems they create, not the love that partners offer.
Practically every moment of your life is narrated by a voice in your head. That voice is either going to remind you how amazing your partner is or how terrible they are to you. Those stories are then rehearsed repeatedly in your mind. If your story ifs focused on the negative, you slowly disconnect.
There is a point in our relationships when the negative story takes over and dominates all the positive stories of our lover. Even if our partner does something nice for us, it is still a selfish person doing something nice. A person we can't trust.
Fights are Inevitable in Relationships
Incidents like Christina's and Brad's are inevitable in all relationships. According to Dr. Gottman, both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91 % of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.
While many see conflict in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility, it should be seen as a sign that the relationship needs growth to occur. Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws.
What Makes Love Last?
When conflict occurs in a relationship, partners need to come together to understand each other better. Trust is built when we are reminded that our partner is there for us. They reach out for us or grab our hand when we reach out for them,. We realize our needs matter to our partner. We forget the details about our hurt, and the negative event in the relationship slips from our mind.
Now when our partner is thoughtless, emotionally distant, or mean to us, the story we tell ourselves is that they are "stressed." We trust them, so we repair the incident and reconnect with one another. Laughter and affection fill our disagreements because we know that this event will be resolved and our relationship will be better because of it.
So when a negative event happens in your relationship, don't shoot each other's hearts over nothing but misunderstanding. Use the event to build trust, to deepen your relationship, and to make it the best damn love story you've ever seen!
When they first met, he was something different. Mesmerizing. Passionate. But now there is a huge space between them, and it keeps getting bigger.
She's frustrated and lonely. He is angry and focuses all of his energy on work. Yesterday they were trying to pick a place to grab dinner. Here's what happened:
Christina starts: "I'm hungry. Let's grab dinner."
"Sounds good to me. What do you feel like eating?" Brad asks.
"I don't know...you?" replies Christina.
"I feel like pizza. Let's do that," he says licking his lips.
"I don't want pizza,' she complains.
"Okay, what do you want then?" Brad asks again, this time with a tone of frustration.
"I don't know," she says with a puzzled look on her face.
"What about seafood?" Brad suggests, desperately wanting to make a decision.
"No. That doesn't sound good to me," Christina responds.
"You always put down every idea I make." Brad storms out of the room.
Christina starts crying. She feels lonely again. How has something so small turned into something so big? What are they really fighting about?
According to the Einstein of Love, Dr. John Gottman, the #1 thing couples fight about is nothing. Sometimes relationships feel like we are emotionally shooting each other over the simplest things. Things can blow up over which show to watch on Netflix, where to go to dinner, or which part of the house needs cleaning first.
Meaningless Fights Can Make or Break Trust
Rarely do couples ever sit down, create an agenda, and argue over a specific topic such as finances. Sometimes they do, but typically they hurt each other's feelings in seemingly meaningless moments that appear to be about absolutely nothing.
What matters is not the fight itself. What matters is how partners respond to negative emotions in the relationship. If couples see the conflict as an opportunity for growth, they can attune to each other and increase their understanding of one another, deepening their trust in each other and in the relationship....which is what I attempt to help couples do while they are in counseling)
If partners dismiss the negative emotions in these situations, they may eventually reconnect with one another, but trust will erode a little. Over time, small and meaningless incidents will compound until partners are left feeling hurt, sad, and alone.
Instead of reaching out for each other's hand, you begin pointing fingers and crossing arms. Instead of talking all night, you feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Maybe it's been so long since you connected with each other that you feel like cellmates instead of soulmates.
Why Relationships Fail
Negative events will always happen in relationship, but that isn't what turns us into cellmates. Relationships fail when couples begin to focus on the problems they create, not the love that partners offer.
Practically every moment of your life is narrated by a voice in your head. That voice is either going to remind you how amazing your partner is or how terrible they are to you. Those stories are then rehearsed repeatedly in your mind. If your story ifs focused on the negative, you slowly disconnect.
There is a point in our relationships when the negative story takes over and dominates all the positive stories of our lover. Even if our partner does something nice for us, it is still a selfish person doing something nice. A person we can't trust.
Fights are Inevitable in Relationships
Incidents like Christina's and Brad's are inevitable in all relationships. According to Dr. Gottman, both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91 % of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.
While many see conflict in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility, it should be seen as a sign that the relationship needs growth to occur. Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws.
What Makes Love Last?
When conflict occurs in a relationship, partners need to come together to understand each other better. Trust is built when we are reminded that our partner is there for us. They reach out for us or grab our hand when we reach out for them,. We realize our needs matter to our partner. We forget the details about our hurt, and the negative event in the relationship slips from our mind.
Now when our partner is thoughtless, emotionally distant, or mean to us, the story we tell ourselves is that they are "stressed." We trust them, so we repair the incident and reconnect with one another. Laughter and affection fill our disagreements because we know that this event will be resolved and our relationship will be better because of it.
So when a negative event happens in your relationship, don't shoot each other's hearts over nothing but misunderstanding. Use the event to build trust, to deepen your relationship, and to make it the best damn love story you've ever seen!
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