Tuesday, October 11, 2016
The Inevitability of Conflict in Marriage
CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS ALL COUPLES CAN LEARN
Conflict in all relationships is inevitable, including marriage. There are several skills, as discovered through the research of John Gottman, that couples can learn to help them resolve conflict productively. I am not going to list them all in this post. Instead I am going to list one skill per post for the next few days. As a result, you can read one at a time rather than a whole list of them and then take a day or two to think about the skill I describe, talk about it with your mate, begin to internalize it and learn to practice it. Here's the first one:'
1. Practice physiological self-soothing. Take a time out when conflict arises and you find yourself feeling ore and more overwhelmed or flooded with negative emotions which make you feel like withdrawing (become silent or leave the room) or make you want to yell and emotionally attack your partner,expressing harsh judgments and name calling ("What's wrong with you! You never listen to me!")
Instead, let your partner know that you are feeling too upset to talk and that you need to take a break . The conversation has become to heated. It's impossible to resolve anything when you are in this state. But then always return to talk about the issue 20 - 30 minutes later, or at most, within 24 hours. Don't continue the argumentative dialogue in your head., Take a walk. Finish a chore. Read a book. Call a friend (but not to talk about the conflict!). Do whatever it take to breathe, calm down, and return to a better frame of mind that will hopefully enable you to listen and not react.....to accept responsibility for your own behavior and not act defensively.....to empathize and not blame....and hopefully begin to feel that you can be there for each other.
So that's the first skill. Think about it. Talk to each other about it. Work on practicing it.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
HOW TO OVERCOME DISRESPECTFUL JUDGMENTS
I believe disrespectful judgments are a core reason spouses become argumentative and emotionally distant. A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a point of view, or a system of values and beliefs on the other. When most people feel judged, they will either react defensively or turn away. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own point of view is right and her husband is woefully misguided--and tells him so--she enters a minefield.
Disrespectful judgments can cause enormous tension and defensiveness in relationships. And they never work and sometimes can even be abusive because they can cause unhappiness. If we think we have the right to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.
How can you know if you're a perpetrator of disrespectful judgments? The simplest way to find out is to ask your spouse. But you may be a little confused as to what exactly you should ask. To help you ask the right questions, check John Gottman's Disrespectful Judgments Questionnaire:
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues"
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse. You do not agree, so you try to "make" your spouse agree with you.
What's the answer then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of your spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse's point of view is stupid, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.
Friday, August 19, 2016
The Number One Thing Couples Fight About
The Number One Thing Couples Fight About.......This topic was addressed in a recent blog post I received from John Gottman. According to Gottman, the number one problem couples fight about is nothing. I found the article so interesting, so right on, I have decided to edit it a bit and pass it on. Here it is:
When they first met, he was something different. Mesmerizing. Passionate. But now there is a huge space between them, and it keeps getting bigger.
She's frustrated and lonely. He is angry and focuses all of his energy on work. Yesterday they were trying to pick a place to grab dinner. Here's what happened:
Christina starts: "I'm hungry. Let's grab dinner."
"Sounds good to me. What do you feel like eating?" Brad asks.
"I don't know...you?" replies Christina.
"I feel like pizza. Let's do that," he says licking his lips.
"I don't want pizza,' she complains.
"Okay, what do you want then?" Brad asks again, this time with a tone of frustration.
"I don't know," she says with a puzzled look on her face.
"What about seafood?" Brad suggests, desperately wanting to make a decision.
"No. That doesn't sound good to me," Christina responds.
"You always put down every idea I make." Brad storms out of the room.
Christina starts crying. She feels lonely again. How has something so small turned into something so big? What are they really fighting about?
According to the Einstein of Love, Dr. John Gottman, the #1 thing couples fight about is nothing. Sometimes relationships feel like we are emotionally shooting each other over the simplest things. Things can blow up over which show to watch on Netflix, where to go to dinner, or which part of the house needs cleaning first.
Meaningless Fights Can Make or Break Trust
Rarely do couples ever sit down, create an agenda, and argue over a specific topic such as finances. Sometimes they do, but typically they hurt each other's feelings in seemingly meaningless moments that appear to be about absolutely nothing.
What matters is not the fight itself. What matters is how partners respond to negative emotions in the relationship. If couples see the conflict as an opportunity for growth, they can attune to each other and increase their understanding of one another, deepening their trust in each other and in the relationship....which is what I attempt to help couples do while they are in counseling)
If partners dismiss the negative emotions in these situations, they may eventually reconnect with one another, but trust will erode a little. Over time, small and meaningless incidents will compound until partners are left feeling hurt, sad, and alone.
Instead of reaching out for each other's hand, you begin pointing fingers and crossing arms. Instead of talking all night, you feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Maybe it's been so long since you connected with each other that you feel like cellmates instead of soulmates.
Why Relationships Fail
Negative events will always happen in relationship, but that isn't what turns us into cellmates. Relationships fail when couples begin to focus on the problems they create, not the love that partners offer.
Practically every moment of your life is narrated by a voice in your head. That voice is either going to remind you how amazing your partner is or how terrible they are to you. Those stories are then rehearsed repeatedly in your mind. If your story ifs focused on the negative, you slowly disconnect.
There is a point in our relationships when the negative story takes over and dominates all the positive stories of our lover. Even if our partner does something nice for us, it is still a selfish person doing something nice. A person we can't trust.
Fights are Inevitable in Relationships
Incidents like Christina's and Brad's are inevitable in all relationships. According to Dr. Gottman, both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91 % of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.
While many see conflict in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility, it should be seen as a sign that the relationship needs growth to occur. Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws.
What Makes Love Last?
When conflict occurs in a relationship, partners need to come together to understand each other better. Trust is built when we are reminded that our partner is there for us. They reach out for us or grab our hand when we reach out for them,. We realize our needs matter to our partner. We forget the details about our hurt, and the negative event in the relationship slips from our mind.
Now when our partner is thoughtless, emotionally distant, or mean to us, the story we tell ourselves is that they are "stressed." We trust them, so we repair the incident and reconnect with one another. Laughter and affection fill our disagreements because we know that this event will be resolved and our relationship will be better because of it.
So when a negative event happens in your relationship, don't shoot each other's hearts over nothing but misunderstanding. Use the event to build trust, to deepen your relationship, and to make it the best damn love story you've ever seen!
When they first met, he was something different. Mesmerizing. Passionate. But now there is a huge space between them, and it keeps getting bigger.
She's frustrated and lonely. He is angry and focuses all of his energy on work. Yesterday they were trying to pick a place to grab dinner. Here's what happened:
Christina starts: "I'm hungry. Let's grab dinner."
"Sounds good to me. What do you feel like eating?" Brad asks.
"I don't know...you?" replies Christina.
"I feel like pizza. Let's do that," he says licking his lips.
"I don't want pizza,' she complains.
"Okay, what do you want then?" Brad asks again, this time with a tone of frustration.
"I don't know," she says with a puzzled look on her face.
"What about seafood?" Brad suggests, desperately wanting to make a decision.
"No. That doesn't sound good to me," Christina responds.
"You always put down every idea I make." Brad storms out of the room.
Christina starts crying. She feels lonely again. How has something so small turned into something so big? What are they really fighting about?
According to the Einstein of Love, Dr. John Gottman, the #1 thing couples fight about is nothing. Sometimes relationships feel like we are emotionally shooting each other over the simplest things. Things can blow up over which show to watch on Netflix, where to go to dinner, or which part of the house needs cleaning first.
Meaningless Fights Can Make or Break Trust
Rarely do couples ever sit down, create an agenda, and argue over a specific topic such as finances. Sometimes they do, but typically they hurt each other's feelings in seemingly meaningless moments that appear to be about absolutely nothing.
What matters is not the fight itself. What matters is how partners respond to negative emotions in the relationship. If couples see the conflict as an opportunity for growth, they can attune to each other and increase their understanding of one another, deepening their trust in each other and in the relationship....which is what I attempt to help couples do while they are in counseling)
If partners dismiss the negative emotions in these situations, they may eventually reconnect with one another, but trust will erode a little. Over time, small and meaningless incidents will compound until partners are left feeling hurt, sad, and alone.
Instead of reaching out for each other's hand, you begin pointing fingers and crossing arms. Instead of talking all night, you feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Maybe it's been so long since you connected with each other that you feel like cellmates instead of soulmates.
Why Relationships Fail
Negative events will always happen in relationship, but that isn't what turns us into cellmates. Relationships fail when couples begin to focus on the problems they create, not the love that partners offer.
Practically every moment of your life is narrated by a voice in your head. That voice is either going to remind you how amazing your partner is or how terrible they are to you. Those stories are then rehearsed repeatedly in your mind. If your story ifs focused on the negative, you slowly disconnect.
There is a point in our relationships when the negative story takes over and dominates all the positive stories of our lover. Even if our partner does something nice for us, it is still a selfish person doing something nice. A person we can't trust.
Fights are Inevitable in Relationships
Incidents like Christina's and Brad's are inevitable in all relationships. According to Dr. Gottman, both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91 % of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.
While many see conflict in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility, it should be seen as a sign that the relationship needs growth to occur. Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws.
What Makes Love Last?
When conflict occurs in a relationship, partners need to come together to understand each other better. Trust is built when we are reminded that our partner is there for us. They reach out for us or grab our hand when we reach out for them,. We realize our needs matter to our partner. We forget the details about our hurt, and the negative event in the relationship slips from our mind.
Now when our partner is thoughtless, emotionally distant, or mean to us, the story we tell ourselves is that they are "stressed." We trust them, so we repair the incident and reconnect with one another. Laughter and affection fill our disagreements because we know that this event will be resolved and our relationship will be better because of it.
So when a negative event happens in your relationship, don't shoot each other's hearts over nothing but misunderstanding. Use the event to build trust, to deepen your relationship, and to make it the best damn love story you've ever seen!
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
WHEN PARTNERS BECOME EMOTIONALLY FLOODED
One of the most challenging aspects of my work with couples is helping them prevent or stop emotional flooding when they are in conflict or disagreement about something.
Renowned couples therapists John and Julie Gottman have spent more than four decades studying couples' everyday interactions in their "love lab." What they've come away with is a blueprint that can predict with startling accuracy the potential for a relationship's success or failure. And
de-escalating from fiery situations, where one or both partners get emotionally "flooded," is a prime focus of their work.
"When people flip their lid,m they can't think," say Julie. "They feel attacked. They see attack.l And they respond with fight or flight,.
Even partners in successful relationship use criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. But what distinguished their relationships from disastrous ones is that these partners focus on making repairs following ruptures in their relationship and making them early.
In the following video clip, "What Works in Couples Therapy,:" Julie shares a surprisingly simple solution for helping flooded couples. I highly recommend you watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0pCpvMs6oM
Renowned couples therapists John and Julie Gottman have spent more than four decades studying couples' everyday interactions in their "love lab." What they've come away with is a blueprint that can predict with startling accuracy the potential for a relationship's success or failure. And
de-escalating from fiery situations, where one or both partners get emotionally "flooded," is a prime focus of their work.
"When people flip their lid,m they can't think," say Julie. "They feel attacked. They see attack.l And they respond with fight or flight,.
Even partners in successful relationship use criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. But what distinguished their relationships from disastrous ones is that these partners focus on making repairs following ruptures in their relationship and making them early.
In the following video clip, "What Works in Couples Therapy,:" Julie shares a surprisingly simple solution for helping flooded couples. I highly recommend you watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0pCpvMs6oM
Thursday, June 2, 2016
HOW TO MAKE LOVE WITH THE WRONG PERSON
So did you marry the wrong person? (See my last blog post or read the NY Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?mwrsm=Email .) If you did marry the wrong person, can you still make love?
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationships can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. William Doherty (Take Back Your Marriage), refers to the modern consumer marriage mentality where more people in marriages are inclined to say: "My needs are not being met. I deserve more. And without examining their own contributions to the marriage crisis, decide to divorce.
But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoric passion of love fades--the "euphoric" passion. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother, touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.,
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. AND TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd probably be in the same situation a few years later. Because.....THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND..... Yes, that's a radical statement but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will never JUST HAPPEN TO YOU. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. But most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection and bonding-- even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe such as gravity, there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the habits, IF YOU KNOW HOW TO EMOTIONALLY CONNECT WITH EACH OTHER AND BE VULNERABLE WITH EACH OTHER, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. This is what I like to think I am doing when I work with couples: I am teaching them how to "make" love--even with an imperfect partner.
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationships can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. William Doherty (Take Back Your Marriage), refers to the modern consumer marriage mentality where more people in marriages are inclined to say: "My needs are not being met. I deserve more. And without examining their own contributions to the marriage crisis, decide to divorce.
But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoric passion of love fades--the "euphoric" passion. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother, touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.,
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. AND TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd probably be in the same situation a few years later. Because.....THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND..... Yes, that's a radical statement but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will never JUST HAPPEN TO YOU. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. But most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection and bonding-- even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe such as gravity, there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the habits, IF YOU KNOW HOW TO EMOTIONALLY CONNECT WITH EACH OTHER AND BE VULNERABLE WITH EACH OTHER, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. This is what I like to think I am doing when I work with couples: I am teaching them how to "make" love--even with an imperfect partner.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
A Review: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person
The following are quotes I have selected from a recent article in the Sunday New York Times: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, by Alain De Botton. Read the quotes and think about them. Do you agree with any of them? Have a conversation with your spouse, significant other or close friend about the quotes. The quotes:
- The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. Whenever casual relationships threaten to reveal our flaws, we blame our partners and call it a day.
- For most of recorded history, people married for logical sorts of reasons, (which were) often expedient, narrow-minded, snobbish and exploitative. That is why what has replaced it--the marriage of feeling--has largely been spared the need to account for itself .
- But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn't that simple. What we really seek is familiarity--which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness.
- We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable.
- Finally, we marry to make a nice feeling permanent. We imagine that marriage will help us to bottle the joy we felt when the thought of proposing first came to us.
- The good news is that it doesn't matter if we find we have married the wrong person.
- We need to swap the Romantic view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us--and we will (without any malice) do the same to them.
- The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste(he or she doesn't exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently--the person who is good at disagreement.
What do you think? Do you agree with any of the statements? Do you think the writer holds an overly pessimistic view of marriage? Or profoundly realistic view? Now read the entire article. Go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?mwrsm=Email I will blog-post my own follow-up opinion in a few days.
Monday, April 25, 2016
WHEN LOVE ERODES
Most of the couples who sit in my office are there because they have begun to turn against each other in conflict. Communication has broken down. Love has eroded and couples are concerned that they can't stop the arguing.
When love begins to erode, what is missing is attunement and the emotional responsiveness that goes with it. Angry protests at the loss of connection escalate. Lack of comfort and closeness feeds distrust and disagreement and the partners become more distant.
The absence of positive, intimate, supportive exchanges has been compared to a virus that takes down the body relationship. Conflict is the inflammation that results from this virus.
If couples cannot find a way to reach for each other in another way, their bond cannot be repaired and the end stage--disillusionment, despair, distrust and detachment--will set in.
The main point of this blog post (which is the point of most of my posts!) is this: Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question behind every argument--Are you there for me?--requires a yes in response. According to Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight), a secure bond has three basic elements:
Bonding is an eternal process of renewal. For me, teaching and guiding couples on how to discover and experience that renewal is the goal of the work I do.
When love begins to erode, what is missing is attunement and the emotional responsiveness that goes with it. Angry protests at the loss of connection escalate. Lack of comfort and closeness feeds distrust and disagreement and the partners become more distant.
The absence of positive, intimate, supportive exchanges has been compared to a virus that takes down the body relationship. Conflict is the inflammation that results from this virus.
If couples cannot find a way to reach for each other in another way, their bond cannot be repaired and the end stage--disillusionment, despair, distrust and detachment--will set in.
The main point of this blog post (which is the point of most of my posts!) is this: Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question behind every argument--Are you there for me?--requires a yes in response. According to Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight), a secure bond has three basic elements:
- Accessibility--you give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying even if you don't agree with everything I am saying;
- Responsiveness--you accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring; and
- Engagement--you are emotionally present, absorbed and involved with me.
Bonding is an eternal process of renewal. For me, teaching and guiding couples on how to discover and experience that renewal is the goal of the work I do.
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