Intimacy implies closeness or feeling attuned, known by your partner, connected. Emotional connection is the main reason we seek committed relationships. We are all wired for intimacy. Intimacy is usually thought of as physical and sexual in nature. True, but another avenue to intimacy is through conversation, i.e., the manner in which couples converse on a daily basis. Many people think that effective conversation entails making yourself sound interesting to others, when actually it is all about being interested in others and listening or feeling heard by others when expressing needs and vulnerabilities. Attuned communication in everyday life is necessary to maintain any relationship. So what does attuned communication involve?
1. First, put your feelings into words. It is difficult for some people to verbalize their emotions. Because they aren't sure what's going on inside, they are unable to share their feelings with their partner. This can be a huge obstacle when trying to connect. Please don't be dismissive of your emotions or ashamed if you have difficulty articulating them. Instead, let your partner know that identifying your feelings is a challenge. We often express our feelings through anger, but beneath most anger is a deeper more vulnerable emotion. Consider enlisting him or her to assist you in figuring them out, like help me out here... or give me a minute....I'm having a hard time saying what I am really feeling.
2. Ask open-ended questions. Avoid queries that you partner can punt with single words such as "yes," or "no:" which kill conversations before they start. Instead pose questions in ways that require a deeper response. Replace "Did you have a good day at work?" with "So, what was it like at work today?" Instead of "Did you like the movie?" try "What did you think of the movie?" This technique doesn't apply just to everyday exchanges but also to conversations about significant issues. "Are you upset?"can close off further discussion but "you seem upset--what's going on?" will encourage it.
3. Follow up with statements that deepen connection. After you partner answers a question, respond by saying back what you just heard, in your own words. It's okay if your description isn't 100 percent accurate, but don't make assumptions or put words into the other's mouth. When you reflect back your partner's thoughts and feelings in an understanding manner, you encourage him or her to open up more.
4. Express compassion and empathy. This is central in intimate conversation. When your partner is upset, be on his or her team whether the issue is trivial or significant. If you think your mate is overreacting or should have a "different" emotional response, stifle the urge to offer your opinion and suggestions. Based on John Gottman's research, we know that being the voice of reason is not always the best approach. Let other people play that role. Yours is to let the person you love know that you're standing with him or her. You get and accept his or her emotions as valid--because "all" feelings are.
Although you have probably been tempted, don't offer opinions or problem-solve until you've gone through all four of these steps. Ready advice sounds glib and insulting to many people. ("Are you saying I can't think of a solution?. I am not stupid!") I would go even further and warn you not to give advice at all unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution.
And that's what I suggest to couples who are lacking intimate conversations. Follow this method in your daily interactions and you'll be amazed by how much you discover about each other. I often recommend that couples schedule a "ritual of connection" or a "how was your day?" chats, using this method to check in and reconnect.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
HOW PROBLEMS LEAD TO INTIMACY
There are unsolvable problems in every relationship. Choosing a partner in a committed relationship is choosing a set of problems--in many cases, irreconcilable. You can decide to throw in the towel, divorce and choose a different partner down the road, but you will be choosing another set of problems. Not romantic, I know. But here is the bottom line: depending on how partners talk or don't talk about them, problems can lead to an increase in intimacy, or it can lead to a decrease in intimacy.
So now I want to talk about intimacy. What everyone wants is a partner who admits, acknowledges, listens, confides, understands, accepts, sympathizes, and forgives. Am I right? In a word, we're all looking for intimacy, to feel known. Intimacy results from telling your partner your main concern and feeling that he or she understands, and your partner's telling you the same and feeling that you understand.
A fight is never more than a sentence away. However, intimacy is also never more than a sentence away, although neither of you is likely to be in a state of mind in which it is possible to come up with that sentence, particularly when the two of you are in the middle of a fight. You have to wait until after the fight. When you're in a fight, you're unable to confide your main concern or even to know what it is!
George and Eileen are a married couple in their early thirties. George works in finance and Eileen is a nurse. Eileen feels resentful that George doesn't help more around the house. She blurts out.
Eileen raising her voice: We've got a great division of labor here! YOU mess the house and I always clean it!
George: (defending himself) What are you talking about??! I do a lot around here, damn it! And you just don't see it! You just love to criticize me, as usual! And speaking of messes, take a look at the mess on your damn desk sometime!
And they get into a fight. So far, that is not new. In fact, that is what everybody does. One partner is sarcastic or critical, the other is defensive, and they get into a fight.
But then Eileen and George do something that is new. After they have the fight, they use the fight. They use it as an introduction to a conversation and a pathway to intimacy. The next day, when both have cooled off, George comes up to Eileen and talks about the fight. He says he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed. He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Eileen didn't seem to notice. And he was also disappointed in himself because now that he thinks aobut it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.
Suddenly Eileen and George are having a conversation rather than an argument. Since Eileen isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself. And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.
Eileen: Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I;'m still upset about it....... (And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they are able to discover things).....Eileen: I guess I'm upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together. You have your own way of doing things and I have mine. We;re really very different people. And we lead such separate lives. I've got my friends and you've got yours. I've got my job and you've got yours. I take care of the house, even if you are helping more, and you take care of the yard and the car, and I hardly help you at all in those jobs. Sure , we do our jobs okay, but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well. And I'm upset about that..
George says he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better. ......and so now, Eileen and George aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework. They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to....
If George and Eileen have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together enjoying the same things, and have the same interest,--they're like to have a nightmare view that they are just incompatible and getting married might have been a mistake.
If they were to have view of intimacy that I['m talking about, however, they'd know that talking about not being intimate can itself, be an intimate act. That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting, if it's not done in a tone of criticism or blame. For a moment at least,
George and Eileen would be in it together, which is the point of this blog essay: confiding without blaming about concerns such as feeling too separate is perhaps the fullest way in which people can intimately connect.
So now I want to talk about intimacy. What everyone wants is a partner who admits, acknowledges, listens, confides, understands, accepts, sympathizes, and forgives. Am I right? In a word, we're all looking for intimacy, to feel known. Intimacy results from telling your partner your main concern and feeling that he or she understands, and your partner's telling you the same and feeling that you understand.
A fight is never more than a sentence away. However, intimacy is also never more than a sentence away, although neither of you is likely to be in a state of mind in which it is possible to come up with that sentence, particularly when the two of you are in the middle of a fight. You have to wait until after the fight. When you're in a fight, you're unable to confide your main concern or even to know what it is!
George and Eileen are a married couple in their early thirties. George works in finance and Eileen is a nurse. Eileen feels resentful that George doesn't help more around the house. She blurts out.
Eileen raising her voice: We've got a great division of labor here! YOU mess the house and I always clean it!
George: (defending himself) What are you talking about??! I do a lot around here, damn it! And you just don't see it! You just love to criticize me, as usual! And speaking of messes, take a look at the mess on your damn desk sometime!
And they get into a fight. So far, that is not new. In fact, that is what everybody does. One partner is sarcastic or critical, the other is defensive, and they get into a fight.
But then Eileen and George do something that is new. After they have the fight, they use the fight. They use it as an introduction to a conversation and a pathway to intimacy. The next day, when both have cooled off, George comes up to Eileen and talks about the fight. He says he didn't realize it at the time, but he felt disappointed. He had been making an effort to do more around the house and Eileen didn't seem to notice. And he was also disappointed in himself because now that he thinks aobut it, he hasn't really been doing as much around the house as he had vowed to do.
Suddenly Eileen and George are having a conversation rather than an argument. Since Eileen isn't being accused, she doesn't need to defend herself. And when people don't need to defend themselves, they are able to acknowledge things.
Eileen: Well, you have been helping more, and I appreciate it, so I don't know why I;'m still upset about it....... (And when people don't feel the need to defend themselves, they are able to discover things).....Eileen: I guess I'm upset because the fact that you are helping makes me realize that we don't work well together. You have your own way of doing things and I have mine. We;re really very different people. And we lead such separate lives. I've got my friends and you've got yours. I've got my job and you've got yours. I take care of the house, even if you are helping more, and you take care of the yard and the car, and I hardly help you at all in those jobs. Sure , we do our jobs okay, but we go our separate ways and don't connect very well. And I'm upset about that..
George says he has been feeling the same way and that his trying to help with the housework was an effort to connect a little better. ......and so now, Eileen and George aren't just talking about the problem of who does housework. They are using this problem to discover another more general problem: their worry that they don't connect as much as they'd like to....
If George and Eileen have the view of intimacy that a lot of people have--that is, if they believe that intimacy is spending a lot of time together enjoying the same things, and have the same interest,--they're like to have a nightmare view that they are just incompatible and getting married might have been a mistake.
If they were to have view of intimacy that I['m talking about, however, they'd know that talking about not being intimate can itself, be an intimate act. That's because talking about feeling unconnected can be connecting, if it's not done in a tone of criticism or blame. For a moment at least,
George and Eileen would be in it together, which is the point of this blog essay: confiding without blaming about concerns such as feeling too separate is perhaps the fullest way in which people can intimately connect.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Disrespectful Judgments in Your Marriage?
The communications that are most destructive in relationships are those that express criticism or impart a judgmental attitude. When couples meet with me and claim their major problem is "communication", most of the time the problem is actually feeling criticized or judged when communicating which leads to a very negative cycle of demand/withdraw that never seems to end. I have written about Poisonous Criticism in a previous blog entry (March 2014).
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
Expressing disrespectful judgments to your partner or about your partner can also be poisonous. Of course, most of the time (not always) criticisms and judgments are made because one spouse feels mistreated or ignored and expresses his/her feelings about being mistreated or feeling alone with anger which is often felt as criticism or judgment. Successful relationships manage feelings of disappointment in a less angry or harsh manner. Couples in strong marriages express their disappointments or needs in a softer manner vs. harsh manner ( such as criticism or judgment), which makes it easier for the other to respond non defensively or withdraw.
To help you think about how disrespectful judgments may be effecting your relationship, John Gottman (How Marriages Succeed or Fail), suggests the following experiments:
Ask your spouse or partner the following questions. If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments.
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to ;yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to
explain your position?
explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse. :You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.
What's the answer then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of your spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though you spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE
A recent Psychology Today edition (10/15) included an article about the work of John Gottman which has long been in the public eye. I have extracted some the article's highlights. For example, it highlighted one of his most vocalized findings based on his research: to maintain a satisfying relationship, couples must generate five seconds of positive emotions for every one second of negative emotions during conflict discussions. That's because negative emotions, like criticism and defensiveness have more power to hurt a relationship than positive emotions have to help one. Why is that?
Negativity just makes a bigger impact on the brain, and unless we take steps to counteract it, slights will accumulate, continually accelerating the likelihood that partners will grow apart emotionally. Gottman emphasizes --and I totally agree--that love is an energy system and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what a partner does next: connect or disconnect, support or demonize.
Based on research, Gottman has found that everyone on the planet automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative. In committed relationships, to repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own. That, says Gottman, is the measure of trust--the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment. It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven year breakup point.
When one person can't offer the olive branch or the other can't accept it, when neither takes the initiative to change direction and de-escalate a fight, when criticism, contempt, and stonewalling take over, when negative comments and interactions outnumber positive ones--well, of course the relationship is in big trouble. Resentment will deepen and push you further away from each other.
In healthy relationships, we pay attention to what our partner needs and we aim to meet those needs as they arise, without worrying about getting the same thing or something equivalent in return. In healthy relationships, there is a general inclination to fulfill a partner's needs even when they conflict with one's own, without keeping an internal tit-for-tat tally. Consequently you always feel like there is someone permanently in your corner. It's demonstrated by couples all the time in ways both big and small, like moving across the country to accommodate a partner's great new joy or going out for a mate's favorite Chinese food instead of your preferred Italian. Sometimes a couple's respective needs can feel irresolvable and that may be the case. But most of the time I believe it's possible for couples to empathize and compromise.
BOTTOM LINE: THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON. IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience as I believe many people are inclined to believe. Lasting love will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to generate the positive energy that will tame the negative and make your marriage work.
Negativity just makes a bigger impact on the brain, and unless we take steps to counteract it, slights will accumulate, continually accelerating the likelihood that partners will grow apart emotionally. Gottman emphasizes --and I totally agree--that love is an energy system and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what a partner does next: connect or disconnect, support or demonize.
Based on research, Gottman has found that everyone on the planet automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative. In committed relationships, to repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own. That, says Gottman, is the measure of trust--the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment. It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven year breakup point.
When one person can't offer the olive branch or the other can't accept it, when neither takes the initiative to change direction and de-escalate a fight, when criticism, contempt, and stonewalling take over, when negative comments and interactions outnumber positive ones--well, of course the relationship is in big trouble. Resentment will deepen and push you further away from each other.
In healthy relationships, we pay attention to what our partner needs and we aim to meet those needs as they arise, without worrying about getting the same thing or something equivalent in return. In healthy relationships, there is a general inclination to fulfill a partner's needs even when they conflict with one's own, without keeping an internal tit-for-tat tally. Consequently you always feel like there is someone permanently in your corner. It's demonstrated by couples all the time in ways both big and small, like moving across the country to accommodate a partner's great new joy or going out for a mate's favorite Chinese food instead of your preferred Italian. Sometimes a couple's respective needs can feel irresolvable and that may be the case. But most of the time I believe it's possible for couples to empathize and compromise.
BOTTOM LINE: THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON. IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience as I believe many people are inclined to believe. Lasting love will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to generate the positive energy that will tame the negative and make your marriage work.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
AND YET......
My thoughts about the NY Sunday Times essay, "The Wedding Toast I Will Never Give":
The phrase that caught my attention the most was "and yet." The writer, Ada Calhoun, writes: "I love this person, and yet she's such a mess. And yet when I'm sick, he's not very nurturing. And yet we don't want the same number of children." But "and yet" works the other way, too: Even during the darkest moments of my own marriage, I have had these nagging exceptions. And yet, we still make each other laugh. And yet, he is still my person. And yet, I still love him. And so you don't break up and you outlast some of your friends'marriages.
Interesting. My conjecture is that the reason the "and yets" balance each other out for the author, is because she and her spouse are still able to turn to each other enough of the time and feel a connection, probably because they handle most of their differences pretty well and are able to accept them and stay married. But perhaps not. Maybe, like some couples, Ms. Calhoun and her husband remain married but also remain emotionally absent for each other and have decided to live with it rather than divorce.
There are other married couples at the other end of the spectrum of course, who more or less remain influenced by out consumer culture from which we derive the message: If you don't like it, and if you can't return it, go find something(someone) else you think will better suit you. Get a divorce.
I believe there are hard reasons and soft reason for divorce. The hard reasons include abuse, ongoing infidelities, untreated addictions and ongoing deceit. The soft reasons include ongoing misattunements which lead to emotional distancing and consequently repetitive attacks and defensiveness. The soft reasons can be repaired if both spouses take responsibility for their part of the repetitive cycle. With the unexpected changes and challenges of life (children, economy, illnesses, etc), and the irreconcilable differences in all marriages, misattunements are inevitable in marriages. What matters is that couples acknowledge those misattunements in a nonjudgmental manner and then learn to accept their role and repair those misattunements and not allow them to fester.
Underneath most of the distress in marriages, partners are really asking each other: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection. That's what marriage is for! No marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. To quote Ms Calhoun again: Epic failure is part of being human, and it's definitely part of being married. But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges. Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone. And the shock of disconnection will continue and the negative "and yets" will begin to dominate until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.
The phrase that caught my attention the most was "and yet." The writer, Ada Calhoun, writes: "I love this person, and yet she's such a mess. And yet when I'm sick, he's not very nurturing. And yet we don't want the same number of children." But "and yet" works the other way, too: Even during the darkest moments of my own marriage, I have had these nagging exceptions. And yet, we still make each other laugh. And yet, he is still my person. And yet, I still love him. And so you don't break up and you outlast some of your friends'marriages.
Interesting. My conjecture is that the reason the "and yets" balance each other out for the author, is because she and her spouse are still able to turn to each other enough of the time and feel a connection, probably because they handle most of their differences pretty well and are able to accept them and stay married. But perhaps not. Maybe, like some couples, Ms. Calhoun and her husband remain married but also remain emotionally absent for each other and have decided to live with it rather than divorce.
There are other married couples at the other end of the spectrum of course, who more or less remain influenced by out consumer culture from which we derive the message: If you don't like it, and if you can't return it, go find something(someone) else you think will better suit you. Get a divorce.
I believe there are hard reasons and soft reason for divorce. The hard reasons include abuse, ongoing infidelities, untreated addictions and ongoing deceit. The soft reasons include ongoing misattunements which lead to emotional distancing and consequently repetitive attacks and defensiveness. The soft reasons can be repaired if both spouses take responsibility for their part of the repetitive cycle. With the unexpected changes and challenges of life (children, economy, illnesses, etc), and the irreconcilable differences in all marriages, misattunements are inevitable in marriages. What matters is that couples acknowledge those misattunements in a nonjudgmental manner and then learn to accept their role and repair those misattunements and not allow them to fester.
Underneath most of the distress in marriages, partners are really asking each other: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection. That's what marriage is for! No marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. To quote Ms Calhoun again: Epic failure is part of being human, and it's definitely part of being married. But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges. Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone. And the shock of disconnection will continue and the negative "and yets" will begin to dominate until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.
Friday, July 10, 2015
THE DANCE OF LOVE
A love relationship is never static; it ebbs and flows. It's like a dance. If we want love to last, we have to grasp this fact and get used to paying attention to and readjusting our level of emotional engagement. Loving is a process that constantly moves from harmony to disharmony, from mutual attunement and responsiveness to misattunement and disconnection--and back again.
Misattunement is not necessarily a sign of lack of love or commitment. It is inevitable and normal. In fact, it is startlingly common. Research informs us that happily bonded mother and infants miss each other's signals 70 percent of the time. Adults miss their partner's cues most of the time, too! We all send unclear signals and misread cues. We become distracted, we suddenly shift our level of emotional intensity and leave our partner behind. Only in the movies does a poignant gaze predictably follow another and one small touch always elicit an exquisitely timed gesture in return. We are sorely mistaken if we believe that love is about always being in tune. What matters is if we can repair tiny moment of misattunent and come back into harmony. Bonding is an eternal process of renewal.
Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question "Are you there for me?"--requires a "yes" in response. According to Sue Johnson (founder of Emotional Focused Therapy for Couples) a secure bond has three basic elements:
And interestingly, I recently viewed a YouTube video featuring Thich Nhat Hanh being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey where he describes the 4 mantras of connection in marital relationship. Some of you will love it, I'm sure. Others may feel he is being too romantic or idealistic. Nevertheless, the core goals of the mantras are quite accurate, in my opinion. If interested go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?sns=em&v=UEUxFNkISnU&app=desktop
Misattunement is not necessarily a sign of lack of love or commitment. It is inevitable and normal. In fact, it is startlingly common. Research informs us that happily bonded mother and infants miss each other's signals 70 percent of the time. Adults miss their partner's cues most of the time, too! We all send unclear signals and misread cues. We become distracted, we suddenly shift our level of emotional intensity and leave our partner behind. Only in the movies does a poignant gaze predictably follow another and one small touch always elicit an exquisitely timed gesture in return. We are sorely mistaken if we believe that love is about always being in tune. What matters is if we can repair tiny moment of misattunent and come back into harmony. Bonding is an eternal process of renewal.
Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question "Are you there for me?"--requires a "yes" in response. According to Sue Johnson (founder of Emotional Focused Therapy for Couples) a secure bond has three basic elements:
- Accessibility--you give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying
- Responsiveness--you accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring;
- Engagement--you are emotionally present, absorbed and involved with me.
And interestingly, I recently viewed a YouTube video featuring Thich Nhat Hanh being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey where he describes the 4 mantras of connection in marital relationship. Some of you will love it, I'm sure. Others may feel he is being too romantic or idealistic. Nevertheless, the core goals of the mantras are quite accurate, in my opinion. If interested go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?sns=em&v=UEUxFNkISnU&app=desktop
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE (Part II)
In my last blog post, I focused on what you as an individual can do to help avoid divorce: Do Your Part.
This post is To Both of You--my advice to couples:
1. TALK. Sit down and talk together about strengthening your marriage. Rather than trying to dig into deeper issues or past hurts, focus on positive steps you can take as a couple to stay on the best path. I am certainly not against deeper talks about issues and history, but sometimes the better strategy for couples is to focus on what you want to try, now, together, to boost and protect your marriage. Talk about how you can be there for each other--what each of you needs to feel loved. If talking about how to nudge your relationship forward works well for the two of you, I suggest you sit down and talk once a month about how to stay on course.
2. BOOST FUN AND FRIENDSHIP. People get busy, life gets strained, and spouses get distant. But it is very important to keep fun and friendship alive in your relationship. You can make that happen by following this simple advice: a) Make time for doing enjoyable things together. b) Protect those times from conflict. Have an understanding between you that issues and problems are off-limits during those times. Don't let hassles intrude on your opportunity to relax and be together.
3.IF CONFLICT RUNS HIGH.......learn to get it under control or get help in how to manage issues more constructively. If you have children, this advice goes double. Children are negatively affected by exposure to conflict between their parents. Don't fool yourself by saying you are "keeping it real" in front of the kids. Bunk. Sure, if you handle issues extremely well as a couple (e.g., with great listening, respect and resolution). that may be good for children to see. But, in general, conflict between partners--especially with escalation and invalidation--is bad for children to be around. And it's not great for you, either.
4. TAKE TIME OUTS. One strategy to keep a lid on things is to learn to take time-outs as a couple. Agree on a signal that you will both honor when things are getting heated. Agree that when either of you signal for a time-out, you'll both do your best to honor it. Taking a time-out doesn't mean avoiding dealing with something important. It just means deciding not to slide further into nastiness in the moment. You'll return to the issue when you have both cooled down It's like a sports team thar's losing control of the game and needs to take a break and get its act together.
5. DON'T THREATEN DIVORCE in the heat of frustrating arguments, which is like shouting FIRE in a crowded theater. Couples say things in the heat of the battle sometimes that should not be said: "Why did we ever marry?" "Should we just split up?" "Why don't you just move out if you feel that way?" Sensitive questions to bring you closer together, right? If you do that and you want your marriage to work, stop it. You cannot nurture the desire to invest in your future if you keep reminding each other that there might not be one. Don't talk about divorce unless you really mean to talk about divorce. Otherwise, take a time-out.
6. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Obviously, some people become deeply unhappy in their marriages. There is plenty of research indicating that those who become deeply maritally distressed are unlikely to get better on their own. If you have sunk into chronic unhappiness in your marriage, think about getting help.
Most couples in serious trouble wait far too long to get professional help. Because there is so much bitterness, resentment and emotional detachment, healing their marriage can be doubly difficult. If both of you know something is seriously amiss, seek help now. Good things can result from seeing a skilled counselor with whom both of you feel comfortable.
HOPE.........A few married couples almost never have any downs--only ups. But most couples with very good marriages have ups and downs. That's normal. One of the most important things you can do to avoid divorce is to hold reasonable expectations. You didn't marry someone who is perfect (only your mate did--ha ha!). Expect joy and strains, maddening moments and laughter. Expect a real life.
This post is To Both of You--my advice to couples:
1. TALK. Sit down and talk together about strengthening your marriage. Rather than trying to dig into deeper issues or past hurts, focus on positive steps you can take as a couple to stay on the best path. I am certainly not against deeper talks about issues and history, but sometimes the better strategy for couples is to focus on what you want to try, now, together, to boost and protect your marriage. Talk about how you can be there for each other--what each of you needs to feel loved. If talking about how to nudge your relationship forward works well for the two of you, I suggest you sit down and talk once a month about how to stay on course.
2. BOOST FUN AND FRIENDSHIP. People get busy, life gets strained, and spouses get distant. But it is very important to keep fun and friendship alive in your relationship. You can make that happen by following this simple advice: a) Make time for doing enjoyable things together. b) Protect those times from conflict. Have an understanding between you that issues and problems are off-limits during those times. Don't let hassles intrude on your opportunity to relax and be together.
3.IF CONFLICT RUNS HIGH.......learn to get it under control or get help in how to manage issues more constructively. If you have children, this advice goes double. Children are negatively affected by exposure to conflict between their parents. Don't fool yourself by saying you are "keeping it real" in front of the kids. Bunk. Sure, if you handle issues extremely well as a couple (e.g., with great listening, respect and resolution). that may be good for children to see. But, in general, conflict between partners--especially with escalation and invalidation--is bad for children to be around. And it's not great for you, either.
4. TAKE TIME OUTS. One strategy to keep a lid on things is to learn to take time-outs as a couple. Agree on a signal that you will both honor when things are getting heated. Agree that when either of you signal for a time-out, you'll both do your best to honor it. Taking a time-out doesn't mean avoiding dealing with something important. It just means deciding not to slide further into nastiness in the moment. You'll return to the issue when you have both cooled down It's like a sports team thar's losing control of the game and needs to take a break and get its act together.
5. DON'T THREATEN DIVORCE in the heat of frustrating arguments, which is like shouting FIRE in a crowded theater. Couples say things in the heat of the battle sometimes that should not be said: "Why did we ever marry?" "Should we just split up?" "Why don't you just move out if you feel that way?" Sensitive questions to bring you closer together, right? If you do that and you want your marriage to work, stop it. You cannot nurture the desire to invest in your future if you keep reminding each other that there might not be one. Don't talk about divorce unless you really mean to talk about divorce. Otherwise, take a time-out.
6. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Obviously, some people become deeply unhappy in their marriages. There is plenty of research indicating that those who become deeply maritally distressed are unlikely to get better on their own. If you have sunk into chronic unhappiness in your marriage, think about getting help.
Most couples in serious trouble wait far too long to get professional help. Because there is so much bitterness, resentment and emotional detachment, healing their marriage can be doubly difficult. If both of you know something is seriously amiss, seek help now. Good things can result from seeing a skilled counselor with whom both of you feel comfortable.
HOPE.........A few married couples almost never have any downs--only ups. But most couples with very good marriages have ups and downs. That's normal. One of the most important things you can do to avoid divorce is to hold reasonable expectations. You didn't marry someone who is perfect (only your mate did--ha ha!). Expect joy and strains, maddening moments and laughter. Expect a real life.
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