A recent Psychology Today edition (10/15) included an article about the work of John Gottman which has long been in the public eye. I have extracted some the article's highlights. For example, it highlighted one of his most vocalized findings based on his research: to maintain a satisfying relationship, couples must generate five seconds of positive emotions for every one second of negative emotions during conflict discussions. That's because negative emotions, like criticism and defensiveness have more power to hurt a relationship than positive emotions have to help one. Why is that?
Negativity just makes a bigger impact on the brain, and unless we take steps to counteract it, slights will accumulate, continually accelerating the likelihood that partners will grow apart emotionally. Gottman emphasizes --and I totally agree--that love is an energy system and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what a partner does next: connect or disconnect, support or demonize.
Based on research, Gottman has found that everyone on the planet automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative. In committed relationships, to repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own. That, says Gottman, is the measure of trust--the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment. It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven year breakup point.
When one person can't offer the olive branch or the other can't accept it, when neither takes the initiative to change direction and de-escalate a fight, when criticism, contempt, and stonewalling take over, when negative comments and interactions outnumber positive ones--well, of course the relationship is in big trouble. Resentment will deepen and push you further away from each other.
In healthy relationships, we pay attention to what our partner needs and we aim to meet those needs as they arise, without worrying about getting the same thing or something equivalent in return. In healthy relationships, there is a general inclination to fulfill a partner's needs even when they conflict with one's own, without keeping an internal tit-for-tat tally. Consequently you always feel like there is someone permanently in your corner. It's demonstrated by couples all the time in ways both big and small, like moving across the country to accommodate a partner's great new joy or going out for a mate's favorite Chinese food instead of your preferred Italian. Sometimes a couple's respective needs can feel irresolvable and that may be the case. But most of the time I believe it's possible for couples to empathize and compromise.
BOTTOM LINE: THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON. IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience as I believe many people are inclined to believe. Lasting love will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to generate the positive energy that will tame the negative and make your marriage work.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
AND YET......
My thoughts about the NY Sunday Times essay, "The Wedding Toast I Will Never Give":
The phrase that caught my attention the most was "and yet." The writer, Ada Calhoun, writes: "I love this person, and yet she's such a mess. And yet when I'm sick, he's not very nurturing. And yet we don't want the same number of children." But "and yet" works the other way, too: Even during the darkest moments of my own marriage, I have had these nagging exceptions. And yet, we still make each other laugh. And yet, he is still my person. And yet, I still love him. And so you don't break up and you outlast some of your friends'marriages.
Interesting. My conjecture is that the reason the "and yets" balance each other out for the author, is because she and her spouse are still able to turn to each other enough of the time and feel a connection, probably because they handle most of their differences pretty well and are able to accept them and stay married. But perhaps not. Maybe, like some couples, Ms. Calhoun and her husband remain married but also remain emotionally absent for each other and have decided to live with it rather than divorce.
There are other married couples at the other end of the spectrum of course, who more or less remain influenced by out consumer culture from which we derive the message: If you don't like it, and if you can't return it, go find something(someone) else you think will better suit you. Get a divorce.
I believe there are hard reasons and soft reason for divorce. The hard reasons include abuse, ongoing infidelities, untreated addictions and ongoing deceit. The soft reasons include ongoing misattunements which lead to emotional distancing and consequently repetitive attacks and defensiveness. The soft reasons can be repaired if both spouses take responsibility for their part of the repetitive cycle. With the unexpected changes and challenges of life (children, economy, illnesses, etc), and the irreconcilable differences in all marriages, misattunements are inevitable in marriages. What matters is that couples acknowledge those misattunements in a nonjudgmental manner and then learn to accept their role and repair those misattunements and not allow them to fester.
Underneath most of the distress in marriages, partners are really asking each other: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection. That's what marriage is for! No marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. To quote Ms Calhoun again: Epic failure is part of being human, and it's definitely part of being married. But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges. Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone. And the shock of disconnection will continue and the negative "and yets" will begin to dominate until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.
The phrase that caught my attention the most was "and yet." The writer, Ada Calhoun, writes: "I love this person, and yet she's such a mess. And yet when I'm sick, he's not very nurturing. And yet we don't want the same number of children." But "and yet" works the other way, too: Even during the darkest moments of my own marriage, I have had these nagging exceptions. And yet, we still make each other laugh. And yet, he is still my person. And yet, I still love him. And so you don't break up and you outlast some of your friends'marriages.
Interesting. My conjecture is that the reason the "and yets" balance each other out for the author, is because she and her spouse are still able to turn to each other enough of the time and feel a connection, probably because they handle most of their differences pretty well and are able to accept them and stay married. But perhaps not. Maybe, like some couples, Ms. Calhoun and her husband remain married but also remain emotionally absent for each other and have decided to live with it rather than divorce.
There are other married couples at the other end of the spectrum of course, who more or less remain influenced by out consumer culture from which we derive the message: If you don't like it, and if you can't return it, go find something(someone) else you think will better suit you. Get a divorce.
I believe there are hard reasons and soft reason for divorce. The hard reasons include abuse, ongoing infidelities, untreated addictions and ongoing deceit. The soft reasons include ongoing misattunements which lead to emotional distancing and consequently repetitive attacks and defensiveness. The soft reasons can be repaired if both spouses take responsibility for their part of the repetitive cycle. With the unexpected changes and challenges of life (children, economy, illnesses, etc), and the irreconcilable differences in all marriages, misattunements are inevitable in marriages. What matters is that couples acknowledge those misattunements in a nonjudgmental manner and then learn to accept their role and repair those misattunements and not allow them to fester.
Underneath most of the distress in marriages, partners are really asking each other: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection. That's what marriage is for! No marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. To quote Ms Calhoun again: Epic failure is part of being human, and it's definitely part of being married. But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges. Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone. And the shock of disconnection will continue and the negative "and yets" will begin to dominate until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.
Friday, July 10, 2015
THE DANCE OF LOVE
A love relationship is never static; it ebbs and flows. It's like a dance. If we want love to last, we have to grasp this fact and get used to paying attention to and readjusting our level of emotional engagement. Loving is a process that constantly moves from harmony to disharmony, from mutual attunement and responsiveness to misattunement and disconnection--and back again.
Misattunement is not necessarily a sign of lack of love or commitment. It is inevitable and normal. In fact, it is startlingly common. Research informs us that happily bonded mother and infants miss each other's signals 70 percent of the time. Adults miss their partner's cues most of the time, too! We all send unclear signals and misread cues. We become distracted, we suddenly shift our level of emotional intensity and leave our partner behind. Only in the movies does a poignant gaze predictably follow another and one small touch always elicit an exquisitely timed gesture in return. We are sorely mistaken if we believe that love is about always being in tune. What matters is if we can repair tiny moment of misattunent and come back into harmony. Bonding is an eternal process of renewal.
Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question "Are you there for me?"--requires a "yes" in response. According to Sue Johnson (founder of Emotional Focused Therapy for Couples) a secure bond has three basic elements:
And interestingly, I recently viewed a YouTube video featuring Thich Nhat Hanh being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey where he describes the 4 mantras of connection in marital relationship. Some of you will love it, I'm sure. Others may feel he is being too romantic or idealistic. Nevertheless, the core goals of the mantras are quite accurate, in my opinion. If interested go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?sns=em&v=UEUxFNkISnU&app=desktop
Misattunement is not necessarily a sign of lack of love or commitment. It is inevitable and normal. In fact, it is startlingly common. Research informs us that happily bonded mother and infants miss each other's signals 70 percent of the time. Adults miss their partner's cues most of the time, too! We all send unclear signals and misread cues. We become distracted, we suddenly shift our level of emotional intensity and leave our partner behind. Only in the movies does a poignant gaze predictably follow another and one small touch always elicit an exquisitely timed gesture in return. We are sorely mistaken if we believe that love is about always being in tune. What matters is if we can repair tiny moment of misattunent and come back into harmony. Bonding is an eternal process of renewal.
Happy lasting bonds are all about emotional responsiveness. The core attachment question "Are you there for me?"--requires a "yes" in response. According to Sue Johnson (founder of Emotional Focused Therapy for Couples) a secure bond has three basic elements:
- Accessibility--you give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying
- Responsiveness--you accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring;
- Engagement--you are emotionally present, absorbed and involved with me.
And interestingly, I recently viewed a YouTube video featuring Thich Nhat Hanh being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey where he describes the 4 mantras of connection in marital relationship. Some of you will love it, I'm sure. Others may feel he is being too romantic or idealistic. Nevertheless, the core goals of the mantras are quite accurate, in my opinion. If interested go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?sns=em&v=UEUxFNkISnU&app=desktop
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE (Part II)
In my last blog post, I focused on what you as an individual can do to help avoid divorce: Do Your Part.
This post is To Both of You--my advice to couples:
1. TALK. Sit down and talk together about strengthening your marriage. Rather than trying to dig into deeper issues or past hurts, focus on positive steps you can take as a couple to stay on the best path. I am certainly not against deeper talks about issues and history, but sometimes the better strategy for couples is to focus on what you want to try, now, together, to boost and protect your marriage. Talk about how you can be there for each other--what each of you needs to feel loved. If talking about how to nudge your relationship forward works well for the two of you, I suggest you sit down and talk once a month about how to stay on course.
2. BOOST FUN AND FRIENDSHIP. People get busy, life gets strained, and spouses get distant. But it is very important to keep fun and friendship alive in your relationship. You can make that happen by following this simple advice: a) Make time for doing enjoyable things together. b) Protect those times from conflict. Have an understanding between you that issues and problems are off-limits during those times. Don't let hassles intrude on your opportunity to relax and be together.
3.IF CONFLICT RUNS HIGH.......learn to get it under control or get help in how to manage issues more constructively. If you have children, this advice goes double. Children are negatively affected by exposure to conflict between their parents. Don't fool yourself by saying you are "keeping it real" in front of the kids. Bunk. Sure, if you handle issues extremely well as a couple (e.g., with great listening, respect and resolution). that may be good for children to see. But, in general, conflict between partners--especially with escalation and invalidation--is bad for children to be around. And it's not great for you, either.
4. TAKE TIME OUTS. One strategy to keep a lid on things is to learn to take time-outs as a couple. Agree on a signal that you will both honor when things are getting heated. Agree that when either of you signal for a time-out, you'll both do your best to honor it. Taking a time-out doesn't mean avoiding dealing with something important. It just means deciding not to slide further into nastiness in the moment. You'll return to the issue when you have both cooled down It's like a sports team thar's losing control of the game and needs to take a break and get its act together.
5. DON'T THREATEN DIVORCE in the heat of frustrating arguments, which is like shouting FIRE in a crowded theater. Couples say things in the heat of the battle sometimes that should not be said: "Why did we ever marry?" "Should we just split up?" "Why don't you just move out if you feel that way?" Sensitive questions to bring you closer together, right? If you do that and you want your marriage to work, stop it. You cannot nurture the desire to invest in your future if you keep reminding each other that there might not be one. Don't talk about divorce unless you really mean to talk about divorce. Otherwise, take a time-out.
6. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Obviously, some people become deeply unhappy in their marriages. There is plenty of research indicating that those who become deeply maritally distressed are unlikely to get better on their own. If you have sunk into chronic unhappiness in your marriage, think about getting help.
Most couples in serious trouble wait far too long to get professional help. Because there is so much bitterness, resentment and emotional detachment, healing their marriage can be doubly difficult. If both of you know something is seriously amiss, seek help now. Good things can result from seeing a skilled counselor with whom both of you feel comfortable.
HOPE.........A few married couples almost never have any downs--only ups. But most couples with very good marriages have ups and downs. That's normal. One of the most important things you can do to avoid divorce is to hold reasonable expectations. You didn't marry someone who is perfect (only your mate did--ha ha!). Expect joy and strains, maddening moments and laughter. Expect a real life.
This post is To Both of You--my advice to couples:
1. TALK. Sit down and talk together about strengthening your marriage. Rather than trying to dig into deeper issues or past hurts, focus on positive steps you can take as a couple to stay on the best path. I am certainly not against deeper talks about issues and history, but sometimes the better strategy for couples is to focus on what you want to try, now, together, to boost and protect your marriage. Talk about how you can be there for each other--what each of you needs to feel loved. If talking about how to nudge your relationship forward works well for the two of you, I suggest you sit down and talk once a month about how to stay on course.
2. BOOST FUN AND FRIENDSHIP. People get busy, life gets strained, and spouses get distant. But it is very important to keep fun and friendship alive in your relationship. You can make that happen by following this simple advice: a) Make time for doing enjoyable things together. b) Protect those times from conflict. Have an understanding between you that issues and problems are off-limits during those times. Don't let hassles intrude on your opportunity to relax and be together.
3.IF CONFLICT RUNS HIGH.......learn to get it under control or get help in how to manage issues more constructively. If you have children, this advice goes double. Children are negatively affected by exposure to conflict between their parents. Don't fool yourself by saying you are "keeping it real" in front of the kids. Bunk. Sure, if you handle issues extremely well as a couple (e.g., with great listening, respect and resolution). that may be good for children to see. But, in general, conflict between partners--especially with escalation and invalidation--is bad for children to be around. And it's not great for you, either.
4. TAKE TIME OUTS. One strategy to keep a lid on things is to learn to take time-outs as a couple. Agree on a signal that you will both honor when things are getting heated. Agree that when either of you signal for a time-out, you'll both do your best to honor it. Taking a time-out doesn't mean avoiding dealing with something important. It just means deciding not to slide further into nastiness in the moment. You'll return to the issue when you have both cooled down It's like a sports team thar's losing control of the game and needs to take a break and get its act together.
5. DON'T THREATEN DIVORCE in the heat of frustrating arguments, which is like shouting FIRE in a crowded theater. Couples say things in the heat of the battle sometimes that should not be said: "Why did we ever marry?" "Should we just split up?" "Why don't you just move out if you feel that way?" Sensitive questions to bring you closer together, right? If you do that and you want your marriage to work, stop it. You cannot nurture the desire to invest in your future if you keep reminding each other that there might not be one. Don't talk about divorce unless you really mean to talk about divorce. Otherwise, take a time-out.
6. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Obviously, some people become deeply unhappy in their marriages. There is plenty of research indicating that those who become deeply maritally distressed are unlikely to get better on their own. If you have sunk into chronic unhappiness in your marriage, think about getting help.
Most couples in serious trouble wait far too long to get professional help. Because there is so much bitterness, resentment and emotional detachment, healing their marriage can be doubly difficult. If both of you know something is seriously amiss, seek help now. Good things can result from seeing a skilled counselor with whom both of you feel comfortable.
HOPE.........A few married couples almost never have any downs--only ups. But most couples with very good marriages have ups and downs. That's normal. One of the most important things you can do to avoid divorce is to hold reasonable expectations. You didn't marry someone who is perfect (only your mate did--ha ha!). Expect joy and strains, maddening moments and laughter. Expect a real life.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE (Part I)
What can couples do to avoid divorce? Hundreds of books, articles, workshops and lectures have tackled that question. If there were a surefire way to "divorce-proof" a marriage, we would have found it by now. It doesn't exist. But there are some things married couples can do to minimize their risk of divorce, which I plan to write about in my next few blog entrees.
There are two categories of advice that I will offer: to individuals and to couples. This blog entry is for the individual spouse. Spouses often have different opinions of the strengths and happiness of their marriages. Even if you have concerns, your partner may not or may dismiss them. Hence, you might need to focus on what you can do and not what the two of you can do--at least for now.
What you can do is do your part. There is a lot an individual alone can do to strengthen a marriage. If you are concerned about your marriage, the sooner you start to turn things around within yourself, the better. If you know how you contribute to the tensions in your marriage, work on changing that within yourself. For example, if you know that you are inclined to be overly critical when you are upset, find a way to express your need or feelings in a way that comes more from yourself, rather than blaming or attacking your partner. If you know what your partner needs to feel loved, which may be different from your own need, find a way to express the kind of love you know your partner will appreciate even if you don't receive the same attention, at least for now.....
To help you with this latter suggestion, I recommend you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book teaches us that there are five ways in which partners like to receive love: time spent together, receiving material gifts, receiving compliments and verbal acknowledgement, physical affection, and acts of service (taking care of business, e.i., walking the dog, food shopping, servicing the car, etc.).
The way you like to receive love might be very different from the way your partner likes to receive love. If you don't know how your partner feels loved, read the book, have a conversation about it (if your partner is open to it), and then do your part! If you don't read the book, try to have a conversation anyway and reference the types of love I have mentioned in this blog entry. But if you at least, already know how your partner will feel loved by you, then do your part.
There are two categories of advice that I will offer: to individuals and to couples. This blog entry is for the individual spouse. Spouses often have different opinions of the strengths and happiness of their marriages. Even if you have concerns, your partner may not or may dismiss them. Hence, you might need to focus on what you can do and not what the two of you can do--at least for now.
What you can do is do your part. There is a lot an individual alone can do to strengthen a marriage. If you are concerned about your marriage, the sooner you start to turn things around within yourself, the better. If you know how you contribute to the tensions in your marriage, work on changing that within yourself. For example, if you know that you are inclined to be overly critical when you are upset, find a way to express your need or feelings in a way that comes more from yourself, rather than blaming or attacking your partner. If you know what your partner needs to feel loved, which may be different from your own need, find a way to express the kind of love you know your partner will appreciate even if you don't receive the same attention, at least for now.....
To help you with this latter suggestion, I recommend you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book teaches us that there are five ways in which partners like to receive love: time spent together, receiving material gifts, receiving compliments and verbal acknowledgement, physical affection, and acts of service (taking care of business, e.i., walking the dog, food shopping, servicing the car, etc.).
The way you like to receive love might be very different from the way your partner likes to receive love. If you don't know how your partner feels loved, read the book, have a conversation about it (if your partner is open to it), and then do your part! If you don't read the book, try to have a conversation anyway and reference the types of love I have mentioned in this blog entry. But if you at least, already know how your partner will feel loved by you, then do your part.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
MOMENTS
When couples contact me they most often say they need to work on their communication. To some extent this may be true, but it usually becomes apparent that the real issue of lack of connection. I often hand out a paper I have entitled: Rituals of Connection. When rituals of emotional connection are created in a marriage, they usually help couples celebrate their bond and stay together through all kinds of trials and triumph. I call one of the rituals After-dinner Coffee that is especially good for couples with children.
Once the entire family finishes their meal and their dinner-time conversation, the kids are excused to play, do homework, or watch a video. This give Mom and Dad time for a one-on-one conversation over coffee or tea. For some couples, this ritual continues long after the children have left home. I suggest that couples do this ritual over a hot beverage. This ensures that you'll sit still long enough for it to cool and for you to drink it. But it also provides a definite end to the ritual (when the drink is gone) in case one or both of you have other things to do. Most couples find this exercise of communication and connection quite meaningful and helpful. It's an important moment of connection.
However, there are other "moments" of connection as well that are not always planned. They can be more spontaneous. These moments are just as important as a planned ritual, if not more so., What kind of moments are these: It's the moment when you say I know we had a tough morning. I don't know how to fix it right now, but I know that your tears mattered to me. It's the moment when you call to say I'm missing you. It's the moment when you make eye contact and say Are you okay? It's the moment when you go behind closed doors with your partner for 60 seconds of reconnection before starting your evening as a family. It's the moment when you recognize your partner's stress and place a comforting arm while saying We'll figure this out together. I've got your back. Finding moments creates vulnerability and connection.
How many moments did you consciously create today?
If you are interested in learning more about moment of connection, I highly recommend a YouTube site where Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense addresses this issue. It's about two minutes long and is entitled The # 1 Way To Ruin A Perfectly Good Relationship. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5qHcPwOoTc
I also recommend a longer Sue Johnson YouTube video (23 minutes), and very informative entitled How To Love Intelligently In the Age of Instant Gratification. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ejp4OAk7Oo You may find other YouTube videos of interest on the YouTube page as well........
Once the entire family finishes their meal and their dinner-time conversation, the kids are excused to play, do homework, or watch a video. This give Mom and Dad time for a one-on-one conversation over coffee or tea. For some couples, this ritual continues long after the children have left home. I suggest that couples do this ritual over a hot beverage. This ensures that you'll sit still long enough for it to cool and for you to drink it. But it also provides a definite end to the ritual (when the drink is gone) in case one or both of you have other things to do. Most couples find this exercise of communication and connection quite meaningful and helpful. It's an important moment of connection.
However, there are other "moments" of connection as well that are not always planned. They can be more spontaneous. These moments are just as important as a planned ritual, if not more so., What kind of moments are these: It's the moment when you say I know we had a tough morning. I don't know how to fix it right now, but I know that your tears mattered to me. It's the moment when you call to say I'm missing you. It's the moment when you make eye contact and say Are you okay? It's the moment when you go behind closed doors with your partner for 60 seconds of reconnection before starting your evening as a family. It's the moment when you recognize your partner's stress and place a comforting arm while saying We'll figure this out together. I've got your back. Finding moments creates vulnerability and connection.
How many moments did you consciously create today?
If you are interested in learning more about moment of connection, I highly recommend a YouTube site where Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense addresses this issue. It's about two minutes long and is entitled The # 1 Way To Ruin A Perfectly Good Relationship. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5qHcPwOoTc
I also recommend a longer Sue Johnson YouTube video (23 minutes), and very informative entitled How To Love Intelligently In the Age of Instant Gratification. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ejp4OAk7Oo You may find other YouTube videos of interest on the YouTube page as well........
Sunday, April 19, 2015
TURN OFF YOUR STUPID "SMART PHONES!"
Turn off your stupid smart phones....or i-phones, laptops, computers, video games........whatever! The time couples are able to be "present" with one another, is crucial for feeling emotionally connected. I am not suggesting you have to be present with your partner 24/7. We all need some separate time as well. But being present at various times of the day with your mate is critical for fostering your connection with each other. Otherwise, emotional distance will definitely set in, which is often the source of nagging and criticism. Technological devices have made this doubly difficult for us these days. Harriet Lerner writes about this subject in her book Marriage Rules:
"Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it. Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full, undistracted attention.
People become convinced that they have to take that call while they're on the beach, and that they'll advance more quickly at their job if they are available on e-mail at all times. Rarely is this entirely, or even mostly, true. Nor do you always need to be checking the news, the score, your e-mail, or anything else.
Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time. The rules in my marriage are:
1. iPhones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals, and no answering landlines.
2. no taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be
returned later.
3. if it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others
It's especially important to unplug from technology if your partner complains about it. A client of mine made a significant improvement in his marriage when he informed his wife that his new rule was "no technology of any kind for two hours after leaving work and coming home to you and the kids." The change was especially meaningful because his wife, for good reason, was highly reactive to his BlackBerry. She one threw his BlackBerry in the toilet when she really needed his help getting dinner ready and he wouldn't stop texting his brother. This action comes with a "Don't try this at home" tag, although it did get his attention.
These days, it's good to have "time-out" rules from, say, anything you're prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane. Only after you've become disciplined enough to carve out technology-free time will you realize how the seductive lure of technology can separate you from your relationship--and from yourself.
"Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it. Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full, undistracted attention.
People become convinced that they have to take that call while they're on the beach, and that they'll advance more quickly at their job if they are available on e-mail at all times. Rarely is this entirely, or even mostly, true. Nor do you always need to be checking the news, the score, your e-mail, or anything else.
Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time. The rules in my marriage are:
1. iPhones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals, and no answering landlines.
2. no taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be
returned later.
3. if it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others
It's especially important to unplug from technology if your partner complains about it. A client of mine made a significant improvement in his marriage when he informed his wife that his new rule was "no technology of any kind for two hours after leaving work and coming home to you and the kids." The change was especially meaningful because his wife, for good reason, was highly reactive to his BlackBerry. She one threw his BlackBerry in the toilet when she really needed his help getting dinner ready and he wouldn't stop texting his brother. This action comes with a "Don't try this at home" tag, although it did get his attention.
These days, it's good to have "time-out" rules from, say, anything you're prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane. Only after you've become disciplined enough to carve out technology-free time will you realize how the seductive lure of technology can separate you from your relationship--and from yourself.
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