What can couples do to avoid divorce? Hundreds of books, articles, workshops and lectures have tackled that question. If there were a surefire way to "divorce-proof" a marriage, we would have found it by now. It doesn't exist. But there are some things married couples can do to minimize their risk of divorce, which I plan to write about in my next few blog entrees.
There are two categories of advice that I will offer: to individuals and to couples. This blog entry is for the individual spouse. Spouses often have different opinions of the strengths and happiness of their marriages. Even if you have concerns, your partner may not or may dismiss them. Hence, you might need to focus on what you can do and not what the two of you can do--at least for now.
What you can do is do your part. There is a lot an individual alone can do to strengthen a marriage. If you are concerned about your marriage, the sooner you start to turn things around within yourself, the better. If you know how you contribute to the tensions in your marriage, work on changing that within yourself. For example, if you know that you are inclined to be overly critical when you are upset, find a way to express your need or feelings in a way that comes more from yourself, rather than blaming or attacking your partner. If you know what your partner needs to feel loved, which may be different from your own need, find a way to express the kind of love you know your partner will appreciate even if you don't receive the same attention, at least for now.....
To help you with this latter suggestion, I recommend you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book teaches us that there are five ways in which partners like to receive love: time spent together, receiving material gifts, receiving compliments and verbal acknowledgement, physical affection, and acts of service (taking care of business, e.i., walking the dog, food shopping, servicing the car, etc.).
The way you like to receive love might be very different from the way your partner likes to receive love. If you don't know how your partner feels loved, read the book, have a conversation about it (if your partner is open to it), and then do your part! If you don't read the book, try to have a conversation anyway and reference the types of love I have mentioned in this blog entry. But if you at least, already know how your partner will feel loved by you, then do your part.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
MOMENTS
When couples contact me they most often say they need to work on their communication. To some extent this may be true, but it usually becomes apparent that the real issue of lack of connection. I often hand out a paper I have entitled: Rituals of Connection. When rituals of emotional connection are created in a marriage, they usually help couples celebrate their bond and stay together through all kinds of trials and triumph. I call one of the rituals After-dinner Coffee that is especially good for couples with children.
Once the entire family finishes their meal and their dinner-time conversation, the kids are excused to play, do homework, or watch a video. This give Mom and Dad time for a one-on-one conversation over coffee or tea. For some couples, this ritual continues long after the children have left home. I suggest that couples do this ritual over a hot beverage. This ensures that you'll sit still long enough for it to cool and for you to drink it. But it also provides a definite end to the ritual (when the drink is gone) in case one or both of you have other things to do. Most couples find this exercise of communication and connection quite meaningful and helpful. It's an important moment of connection.
However, there are other "moments" of connection as well that are not always planned. They can be more spontaneous. These moments are just as important as a planned ritual, if not more so., What kind of moments are these: It's the moment when you say I know we had a tough morning. I don't know how to fix it right now, but I know that your tears mattered to me. It's the moment when you call to say I'm missing you. It's the moment when you make eye contact and say Are you okay? It's the moment when you go behind closed doors with your partner for 60 seconds of reconnection before starting your evening as a family. It's the moment when you recognize your partner's stress and place a comforting arm while saying We'll figure this out together. I've got your back. Finding moments creates vulnerability and connection.
How many moments did you consciously create today?
If you are interested in learning more about moment of connection, I highly recommend a YouTube site where Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense addresses this issue. It's about two minutes long and is entitled The # 1 Way To Ruin A Perfectly Good Relationship. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5qHcPwOoTc
I also recommend a longer Sue Johnson YouTube video (23 minutes), and very informative entitled How To Love Intelligently In the Age of Instant Gratification. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ejp4OAk7Oo You may find other YouTube videos of interest on the YouTube page as well........
Once the entire family finishes their meal and their dinner-time conversation, the kids are excused to play, do homework, or watch a video. This give Mom and Dad time for a one-on-one conversation over coffee or tea. For some couples, this ritual continues long after the children have left home. I suggest that couples do this ritual over a hot beverage. This ensures that you'll sit still long enough for it to cool and for you to drink it. But it also provides a definite end to the ritual (when the drink is gone) in case one or both of you have other things to do. Most couples find this exercise of communication and connection quite meaningful and helpful. It's an important moment of connection.
However, there are other "moments" of connection as well that are not always planned. They can be more spontaneous. These moments are just as important as a planned ritual, if not more so., What kind of moments are these: It's the moment when you say I know we had a tough morning. I don't know how to fix it right now, but I know that your tears mattered to me. It's the moment when you call to say I'm missing you. It's the moment when you make eye contact and say Are you okay? It's the moment when you go behind closed doors with your partner for 60 seconds of reconnection before starting your evening as a family. It's the moment when you recognize your partner's stress and place a comforting arm while saying We'll figure this out together. I've got your back. Finding moments creates vulnerability and connection.
How many moments did you consciously create today?
If you are interested in learning more about moment of connection, I highly recommend a YouTube site where Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense addresses this issue. It's about two minutes long and is entitled The # 1 Way To Ruin A Perfectly Good Relationship. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5qHcPwOoTc
I also recommend a longer Sue Johnson YouTube video (23 minutes), and very informative entitled How To Love Intelligently In the Age of Instant Gratification. Go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ejp4OAk7Oo You may find other YouTube videos of interest on the YouTube page as well........
Sunday, April 19, 2015
TURN OFF YOUR STUPID "SMART PHONES!"
Turn off your stupid smart phones....or i-phones, laptops, computers, video games........whatever! The time couples are able to be "present" with one another, is crucial for feeling emotionally connected. I am not suggesting you have to be present with your partner 24/7. We all need some separate time as well. But being present at various times of the day with your mate is critical for fostering your connection with each other. Otherwise, emotional distance will definitely set in, which is often the source of nagging and criticism. Technological devices have made this doubly difficult for us these days. Harriet Lerner writes about this subject in her book Marriage Rules:
"Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it. Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full, undistracted attention.
People become convinced that they have to take that call while they're on the beach, and that they'll advance more quickly at their job if they are available on e-mail at all times. Rarely is this entirely, or even mostly, true. Nor do you always need to be checking the news, the score, your e-mail, or anything else.
Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time. The rules in my marriage are:
1. iPhones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals, and no answering landlines.
2. no taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be
returned later.
3. if it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others
It's especially important to unplug from technology if your partner complains about it. A client of mine made a significant improvement in his marriage when he informed his wife that his new rule was "no technology of any kind for two hours after leaving work and coming home to you and the kids." The change was especially meaningful because his wife, for good reason, was highly reactive to his BlackBerry. She one threw his BlackBerry in the toilet when she really needed his help getting dinner ready and he wouldn't stop texting his brother. This action comes with a "Don't try this at home" tag, although it did get his attention.
These days, it's good to have "time-out" rules from, say, anything you're prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane. Only after you've become disciplined enough to carve out technology-free time will you realize how the seductive lure of technology can separate you from your relationship--and from yourself.
"Modern technology, meant to keep us all connected, creates distance in couples even when we're not aware of it. Every couple needs to have technology-free time to experience each other with full, undistracted attention.
People become convinced that they have to take that call while they're on the beach, and that they'll advance more quickly at their job if they are available on e-mail at all times. Rarely is this entirely, or even mostly, true. Nor do you always need to be checking the news, the score, your e-mail, or anything else.
Sit down with your partner and make rules for technology-free time. The rules in my marriage are:
1. iPhones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals, and no answering landlines.
2. no taking calls when we're in the middle of a conversation or we have people over--calls can be
returned later.
3. if it's absolutely necessary to take a call, do so out of earshot of others
It's especially important to unplug from technology if your partner complains about it. A client of mine made a significant improvement in his marriage when he informed his wife that his new rule was "no technology of any kind for two hours after leaving work and coming home to you and the kids." The change was especially meaningful because his wife, for good reason, was highly reactive to his BlackBerry. She one threw his BlackBerry in the toilet when she really needed his help getting dinner ready and he wouldn't stop texting his brother. This action comes with a "Don't try this at home" tag, although it did get his attention.
These days, it's good to have "time-out" rules from, say, anything you're prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane. Only after you've become disciplined enough to carve out technology-free time will you realize how the seductive lure of technology can separate you from your relationship--and from yourself.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
HOW COUPLES LOSE THEIR CONNECTION
When couples are in distress, it is usually because they don't feel emotionally safe with each other. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Do you love me? Want me?" The anger, the criticism and the demands that couples often employ are really cries to their lovers, to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a safe connection.
When that emotional bond or connection is lacking, we are swamped by what neuroscientists call "primal panic." That may sound dramatic, but it happens. We get anxious. Freud himself wrote: We are never so vulnerable as when we love. When we become anxious in our relationship, we generally do one of two things: we either become critical, judgmental and demanding or clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves.
Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually a protest over feeling disconnected or unsafe, impinged upon, or not loved or even wanted.
Our society emphasizes individuality and independence--important states of being, no doubt. Born to Be Free, as the song goes. The reality is that we also need to feel connected. Our brains are wired for connection and we are dependent on one another for that connection and staying engaged. The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, involved. Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one. We gaze at them longer, touch them more. We are emotionally present.
So, if we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other's call for attention and connection and respond with caring? Because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners. We are distracted or caught up in our own agendas. We do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care. We speak tentatively. Or we send out calls for connection tinged with anger and frustration because we do not feel confident and safe in our relationship. We wind up demanding and criticizing rather than requesting, which only leads to power struggles, defensiveness and distancing.
The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions become. When marriage fails, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness. Based on John Gottman's research, we now know that successful couples share five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Think about that! Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriage begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflicts come later.
When that emotional bond or connection is lacking, we are swamped by what neuroscientists call "primal panic." That may sound dramatic, but it happens. We get anxious. Freud himself wrote: We are never so vulnerable as when we love. When we become anxious in our relationship, we generally do one of two things: we either become critical, judgmental and demanding or clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves.
Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually a protest over feeling disconnected or unsafe, impinged upon, or not loved or even wanted.
Our society emphasizes individuality and independence--important states of being, no doubt. Born to Be Free, as the song goes. The reality is that we also need to feel connected. Our brains are wired for connection and we are dependent on one another for that connection and staying engaged. The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, involved. Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one. We gaze at them longer, touch them more. We are emotionally present.
So, if we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other's call for attention and connection and respond with caring? Because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners. We are distracted or caught up in our own agendas. We do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care. We speak tentatively. Or we send out calls for connection tinged with anger and frustration because we do not feel confident and safe in our relationship. We wind up demanding and criticizing rather than requesting, which only leads to power struggles, defensiveness and distancing.
The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions become. When marriage fails, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness. Based on John Gottman's research, we now know that successful couples share five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Think about that! Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriage begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflicts come later.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Become the Love Partner YOU Most Want To See!
First, I acknowledge that the theme of this post does not apply to every relationship especially when abuse, infidelity and addictions are involved and perhaps it is too late in some instances. But in most situations, I believe what I am writing about in this post is quite applicable, and perhaps primary for strong marriages.
Steven Stosny in his book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle: To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to see.
Hmmmm....interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work? When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.
Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner and both are bad:
1. You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and living person I truly am until you do what I want." (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassion, or loving or supportive, etc.)
2. Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be.
In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve!
So, according to Stosny, our best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you. Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate and supportive or resentful, demanding and critical. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relationship that are distressful to you. Not at all! It's the tone of how you bring them up that matters: compassionately (softly, giving benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.
But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to see. To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change your want to see.
So resist the urge to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program," The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your relationship, knowing how YOU can be there for your mate than what your spouse does for it. (Hmmmmm....I can hear you thinking "Are you sure about that Jim?" I hear a lot of "yes, buts!" and maybe some of them are understandable). But.......
........Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they're such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO for THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
So, bottom line, as Mahatma Gandhi said: You must be the change you wish to see. It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change. Think about it.
Steven Stosny in his book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, writes: Everyone who enters an intimate relationship with some hope that it might last, would do well to understand this general principle: To get what you most want from your partner, you must first become the partner you most want to see.
Hmmmm....interesting way to think about your relationship, right? How does that work? When relationships become challenging, we usually remain more focused on how our partner is being or behaving, rather than how we (you) are being and behaving.
Two things happen when you focus too much on what you want from your partner and both are bad:
1. You will likely violate your core value, as you're really saying, "I will not be the compassionate and living person I truly am until you do what I want." (Of course, this statement assumes your core value is indeed compassion, or loving or supportive, etc.)
2. Your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her, even if you were not becoming less of the partner you want to be.
In other words, relationships fail when the parties become the partners they think their partners deserve!
So, according to Stosny, our best chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change what he/she reacts to in you. Your partner is likely to respond in kind to your behavior, whether it is loving, compassionate and supportive or resentful, demanding and critical. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring up matters in your relationship that are distressful to you. Not at all! It's the tone of how you bring them up that matters: compassionately (softly, giving benefit of the doubt) versus critically or contemptuously.
But regardless of how your partner responds, you will feel more authentic and remain true to yourself if you behave like the partner you most want to see. To paraphrase Gandhi, you have to become the change your want to see.
So resist the urge to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program," The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your relationship, knowing how YOU can be there for your mate than what your spouse does for it. (Hmmmmm....I can hear you thinking "Are you sure about that Jim?" I hear a lot of "yes, buts!" and maybe some of them are understandable). But.......
........Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they're such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO for THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
So, bottom line, as Mahatma Gandhi said: You must be the change you wish to see. It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change. Think about it.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
HOW DOES LOVE WORK?
When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause, as we are prone to believe. According to recent research, it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness. Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflicts come later. According to the research of John Gottman, couples who have an intimate responsive connection, are able to repair inevitable conflict. Without that love connection, conflicts will intensify, remain unresolved and emotional distancing will begin to undermine the relationship bond. How does that love connection work?
To shape this love connection, we have to be present, open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. A secure bond is achieved through mutual accessibility and responsiveness. Most of the couples who sit in my office feel they are losing that connection. In my work with couples, I do help them understand how their actions or ways of addressing each other contribute to their troubled relationship, but my main goal is to ultimately help couples strengthen their bond.
Making love work is also accepting that, even when it's good, it is always a work in progress. Just when you get it right, one of you changes! Ursula Le Guin, the novelist, reminds us that love "does not sit there like a stone. It has to be made like bread, remade all the time, made new."
So how does love work? Dr. Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight about what she has learned from her work with couples about how love works:
To shape this love connection, we have to be present, open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. A secure bond is achieved through mutual accessibility and responsiveness. Most of the couples who sit in my office feel they are losing that connection. In my work with couples, I do help them understand how their actions or ways of addressing each other contribute to their troubled relationship, but my main goal is to ultimately help couples strengthen their bond.
Making love work is also accepting that, even when it's good, it is always a work in progress. Just when you get it right, one of you changes! Ursula Le Guin, the novelist, reminds us that love "does not sit there like a stone. It has to be made like bread, remade all the time, made new."
So how does love work? Dr. Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight about what she has learned from her work with couples about how love works:
- Our need for others to come close when we call--to offer us safe haven--is absolute. When that kind of bond is created, love works.
- Emotion tells us exactly what we need, if we can listen to it and use it as a guide to express what we need from each other, not as an excuse for blaming or criticizing.
- There is no perfect performance in love or sex. Obsession with performance is a dead end. It is emotional presence that matters.
- In relationships, there is no simple cause and effect, no straight lines, only circles that partners create together. We pull each other into loops and spirals of connection and disconnection.
- We all hit the panic button at times. We lose our balance and slip into anxious controlling or blaming and avoiding modes. The secret is to not stay in these positions. It's too hard for your lover to meet you there.
- Neglect will kill love. Love needs attention. Knowing your attachment needs and responding to those of your lover can make a bond last until "death us do part." The secret is knowing how to express attachment needs and responding to each other without attacking or withdrawing.
- Emotional balance, calm, and vibrant joy are the rewards of love. Sentimental infatuation is the booby prize.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
DID YOU MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
How do you know if you married the right person? Ever ask that question?
Here's my answer.
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationship can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with our spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's call "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades--the euphoria. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship., Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because......THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.... Yes, that's a radical statement, not always the case, but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection, even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the the habits, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. I will write about what those habits are in my next blog entry.
Here's my answer.
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationship can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with our spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's call "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades--the euphoria. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship., Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because......THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.... Yes, that's a radical statement, not always the case, but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection, even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the the habits, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. I will write about what those habits are in my next blog entry.
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